Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Circus Israel Exclusive!
Like the high ground he always captured, Ariel Sharon still rears up defiantly. His avenging erection (“Big Arik”) has never faltered. So claim knowledgeable sources, who ask not to be identified because they aren’t authorized to discuss penises. What’s more, the PM’s boner has never required medical intervention to remain engorged. It just is. Fearsome, resolute and crafty, it will never submit, never be pushed into the sea. Sources assert it’s every bit as turgid as the hard-on that stormed the Mitla Pass and annihilated Qibya. In fact, the PM purportedly continues to wage demographic war, allegedly fathering three children from his deep sleep. According to sources, sensitive audio devices have detected Big Arik declaring it will not relax until terror and incitement have ceased forever.
In a shocking reversal of a decades-old policy, the surviving Beatles are now welcome in Circus Israel. Many Israelis call this a catastrophic tactical, strategic and existential blunder. “After the Beatles went to the States, there was integration and the peace movement,” noted a prominent Likud MK. “That’s a direct threat to the existence of the Jewish State.” Said an Israel Beiteinu MK, “It’s anti-semitism. Both the old kind and the new kind.” He compared Paul McCartney to Hitler, Arafat, Ahmadinejad and Saddam Hussein. The PM brushed these criticisms aside, emphasizing that neither Beatle would be admitted without renouncing violence, adhering to all prior agreements and acknowledging Circus Israel’s right to exist. A spokesperson for Ringo Starr responded that Mr. Starr was too overcome with gratitude to issue a formal statement.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Bring your crew and kick some ass!!
Every Sunday at the J-Dome.
You bring the clubs – We bring the Enemy.
Our promise to you –
- Your posse will face a genuine Arab shepherd, leftist or queer – No Fakes!!
- We maintain a strict 20:1 ratio. You will NEVER attack without a full posse of 20 righteous Jews – and you will NEVER face more than one enemy at a time.
- IDF always on duty for your protection.
- Child care available.
- The olives and sheep are yours to keep!!
Monday night is Ladies Nite!!!! Break their bones, gals!!!!
Every Tuesday - the Haredim Hustle – Ramat Beit Shemesh defends its title - All day long!!!
And don’t miss our Purim Tournament. Compete against the best from Kiryat Arba, Hebron, Kfar Tapuach - and the Wandering Jews of Netzarim. See if you can trim an Arab like the big boys!!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Gaza, Gaza, what are we going to do with you? Do you actually expect us to live like you? When you lob these Qassams at Sderot, we live in dread. Well, Circus Israel doesn’t dread. We cause dread. We don’t take consequences, we give them. That’s why we have war planes, helicopter gunships, drones, artillery and armored vehicles. That’s why we use them. So that you’ll live in dread until you just can’t stand it. Then you’ll go away. Why can’t you understand this? The whole reason Circus Israel threw you out was to live like winners. If we’re going to be anxiety-ridden and depressed like you, what’s next? Negotiations? Circus Israel doesn’t negotiate. We dictate. That’s it.
OK, look, here’s a deal for you. We offer this NOT because you’re such a pain in the ass, but because we’re the best people on this planet, period. Now listen - Chief Rabbi Metzger is willing to relocate you in a brand new state in Sinai. As he says, you’ll have everything – “trains, buses, cars,” whatever. Free of charge. Rabbi Metzger says it’ll be “like in Arizona.” Arizona! That’s right next to California! What more can you want? That’s it.
OK, listen, the Rebbe didn’t mention this, but we’ll even dig you a Grand Canyon, “like in Arizona.” A tourism magnet, baby. Donkey rides, helicopter rides – no, no helicopter rides. We can’t let you leave the ground. Security reasons. Anyway, donkey rides.
Thank Rabbi Metzger for this. From his own pocket, he gives you Egyptian land and makes a big suburb for you with American and European money. You win, we win. And don’t start whining about your attachment to a particular piece of land. That’s strictly for Jews. That’s it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Settler women and girls, ages 15-29, needed for Circus Israel production of a feature film, “The Manson Family in Judea” (Charlie, Squeaky and the rest of Charlie’s Girls break jail and redeem the land). 4 speaking and shrieking roles available. Extras also needed for evacuation scenes. Looking for helter-skelter types, capable of maniacal frenzy and bottomless despair. If your eyes have those high-beam headlights, please call and demand an audition at Masada whenever you feel it should be. Must be able to distinguish cinema from real life.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Adopt a Hilltop Youth
Meet Ofer. He’s 19, devout and loves the land. If only he had a sponsor to help him redeem Judea & Samaria for all eternity. Someone who cares. Someone to provide for his earthly needs while he studies Torah, lubes his Uzi and fucks his girlfriend to win the demographic struggle. You could be that someone.
Your monthly contribution will give a young person like Ofer a chance. A chance he never had in the IDF that rejected him or the schools that mistook his messianic obsession for instability.
Just reach out to Ofer, and he’ll reach out to you. Every month, he or someone like him will send you a personal letter, scrawled in feverish Hebrew, describing his or her glorious hallucinations in G-d’s Holy Land.
So before you forget, write a check for Ofer. When he meditates in that caravan your contribution helped buy, when he cuts down an olive tree befouling –od’s paradise, when he resists the encroachment of sterile modernism with every breath he takes, you’ll be right there with him.
We are the Circus People. We used to wander around, bringing delight and fiscal ingenuity everywhere we went. Then, in 1948, we established our permanent headquarters. David Ben Gurion, in his mad clown wig, proudly declared we would wander no more. We spread our great tent as far as our army and international complicity could go, and we spread it farther still with our missionaries of G-d’s Word. Once the remaining non-circus people have been comfortably relocated amid the limitless luxuries of anywhere-but-here, we will enjoy our lives of pure Circusism, reviled by all and reviling them in return. Why here? Go ask –od. We’re busy checking identity documents.
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