Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Israel’s drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFA’s inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the world’s gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFA’s self-serving procedures “disputed.” All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israel’s Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.

Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg

We’re talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africa’s been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone else’s goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporter’s loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!

“This team's firing on all cylinders!” gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. “I don’t like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, it’s all up to them.”

It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!

Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldn’t be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they could’ve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!

What you football crazies need to understand is this ain’t your rabbi’s old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (“Thank God you’re a man,” the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!

Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, security’s always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a “well-meaning” Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Let’s just say he’s headed his last ball.

Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israel’s-always-wrong crowd can’t stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then there’s that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): “These Israeli guys’re always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, there’s not even a goalie left. But they’re still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.” Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasn’t shown up down here. He’d cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)

By the way, let’s quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad “hit.” Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get “killed” in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.

Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the “official” winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesn’t wait forever. One way or the other…See you at the finals!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud “Little 2-Face” Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe “Boogie” Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi “Dracula” Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer “Chopstix” Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that “we aren’t North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there aren’t second chances for those that don’t defend themselves.” So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.

CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of –

BARAK: Man, don’t be puttin’ your sandal on that footlocker. Y’all disrespectin’ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.

CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. I’m just trying to make sure I understand…when you say “no mercy for the weak,” are you implying the Flotilla was weak? We’ve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.

BARAK: Now y’all puttin’ words in my mouth, yo. What I’m tellin’ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ain’t no way ‘round that in this world.

CI: So you’re saying Israel can’t be perceived as weak or she’ll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -

BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethin’ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gon’ do? Y’all gon’ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gon’ crack my motherfuckin’ head open. Or next time, won’t be no jelly bean. I’ll be takin’ the motherfuckin’ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any ol’ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gon’ do then? Nothin’. ‘Cause it too late.

CI: So it’s as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison –

BARAK: Now you getting’ it, baby. Y’all in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gon’ be somebody’s bitch.

CI: But how do you get out of –

BARAK: Out?! Y’all must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ain’t no out. Shit.

CI: It’s so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.

BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.

CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous “generous offer” at Camp David.

BARAK: Man, y’all gotta understand they wasn’t no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other ho’s. Man, I don’t give nothin’ away. You want what I got, gon’ have to take it.

CI: Aren’t you like a prisoner that’s become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?

BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep ‘em mean.

CI: Even cruel?

BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixin’ to whup my ass. Thinkin’ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gon’ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he don’t never ever think about whupping my ass again. He don’t just think twice about it. He don’t think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothin’ inside him but the fear.

CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justice…

BARAK: Boy, y’all one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else – killaz now, killaz forevuh.

CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said “the IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.” Isn’t that contradicting –

BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.

CI: There’s that vaunted Jewish sense of humor…

BARAK: Ain’t no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitin’ on? Pop a cap in that motherfucker’s ass.

CI: Ahh!! I’m a journalist!

BARAK: Ain’t that some sweet shit…Dracula, cap his ass again!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, it’s time to play Israel’s favorite game, “How Stupid Are You?” Sure, you’re familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, let’s review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because here’s where you come in. You’ll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you can’t, or - better yet - you don’t even know it’s a lie, a panel of Israel’s top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler “How Stupid Are You?” And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahu’s own spin doctor, the bullshitter’s bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the “pro” in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and let’s play “How Stupid Are You?!!”

“With the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.” Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?

“Israel had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.” Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?

“Anything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.” Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?

“Our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not ‘weapons’ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.” Kosher? How Stupid Are You?

“The beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara – objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the world’s most powerful armed forces.” Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?

“Forcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.” Cool? How stupid are you?

“With the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, there’s a rock-solid rumor that they’re linked to Al Qaeda.” Wow. How Stupid Are You?

“This whole unfortunate incident could’ve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of ‘humanitarian’ would’ve applied, which means most of the ships’ cargo would’ve been rejected, and the rest would’ve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.” Anything? How stupid are you?

“If there were any reason to investigate Israel’s defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea – and there is none – Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.” How Stupid Are You?

“Any belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britain’s Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.”

Thanks for playing “How stupid are you?” Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and c’mon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.

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