Circus Israel

2010-09-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS HIATUS

Circus Israel’s going to the back burner. Because the Israeli government is immersed in good-faith negotiations with the Palestinian Authority? Making the painful concessions necessary to a just resolution? No way. Israel’s more-land-fewer-goyim peace plan is still the only thing on the table.

Then why is Circus Israel, in the phrasing of the U.S. armed forces, standing down? No getting around it - after 30 months and 101 entries (enough for an anti-Zionist coffee table book), we’ve fallen short of our goals. Huh? Circus Israel had goals? Yes. To help sustain, even empower, fighters for the Palestinian cause. To skewer and piss off a lot of Zionists.

The Circus has reached a handful of fighters, and your responses have been genuinely inspiring. Whether we’ve bolstered you in this impossible struggle, know that you’ve sustained us. But it’s come to feel like sharing in-jokes with a few staunch friends, rather than contributing meaningfully to a larger movement.

As for pissing off Zionists, we’ve failed dismally. Despite our most earnest and scatological efforts. How these people can detect an anti-Zionist insult sealed in kryptonite a thousand meters away, yet take no offense at Circus Israel, is just puzzling. Unless we consider the obvious. They don’t read the Circus.

This doesn’t mean we’re leaving the fight. Hell no. Just changing tactics, turning to other writing genres, other expressive forms. But not changing the subject. The Palestinians can’t walk away from this one-sided mess, so we won’t either.

Please don’t de-activate whatever alert mechanism you might use for new Circus entries. When Circus Israel seems like the best platform for an idea, that’s where it’ll go.

Thanks for seeing the show.

(…and as the last clown gestures to the footlights, we FADE TO BLACK.)

2010-08-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

NETANYAHU WINS PEACE PRIZE

The California-based Irving Moskowitz Foundation (IMF) announced today that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will receive the foundation’s first annual Economic Peace Prize. It is “only natural” to award the Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu, IMF’s press release stated, since “economic peace is his schtick.” The foundation and the PM both define economic peace as productive economic activity without active armed conflict or a political settlement. The essence of economic peace, the IMF explained, is that “Israel gets the benefit of captive customers, natural resources and low-cost labor without friction or territorial compromise.”

“I’m delighted and entirely deserving,” said the Prime Minister, reached at his residence, where he was receiving a celebratory enema from his wife, Sarah. “As I’ve said all along, it’s time for the Palestinians to stop obsessing about sovereignty and open some more strip malls and hookah joints. At least until they leave the region.”

Finance Minister Yuval Steinitz, an ardent proponent of economic peace, released the award announcement in Israel on behalf of the IMF. “Economic peace enables responsible Arabs to grow their local economy, which could lead to discussions about non-state sovereignty in certain urbanized areas. Both sides win.” Asked why Israel then opposed Palestinian participation in the World Trade Organization, Steinitz dismissed the Palestinian WTO effort as “unilateralism.” Steinitz also rejected the notion of supplanting the Israeli siege of Gaza with economic peace. “There can be no economic peace unless Hamas recognizes our right to exist as a Jewish State on all land we control or covet.”

Other finalists for the Economic Peace Prize were Quartet envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, former US President Bill Clinton, fictional character Gordon Gekko and Rafael Advanced Defense Systems (in recognition of its Bollywood-style arm sales video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktQOLO4U5iQ&feature). Like the other finalists, a Rafael executive accepted the results gracefully, describing Netanyahu as “a real prize himself.” Only Mr. Gekko sounded a negative note, saying “they gave the award to my charmless clone.”

In Arab-occupied Ramallah, a spokesperson for Fatah expressed ambivalence about the award. “We wanted Fayyad to win,” the spokesperson remarked. “But if economic peace is where Omri Sharon opens a casino for our high-rollers, it’s still okay.” Hamas was notably less enthusiastic. “I suppose this makes us the bad guys again, but we view economic peace as intercourse with our colonizer while he dispossesses us,” said spokesman Taher al-Nono. “Wasn’t the North American slave trade a form of economic peace with African chieftains?”

Attempts to reach Dr. Moskowitz were unsuccessful. A person answering his office telephone stated that Dr. Moskowitz was unavailable “because his nose hairs are entangled in another person’s earring.” However, a purported representative did subsequently contact Circus Israel to state that Dr. Moskowitz’s tax exempt foundation, which derives most of its wealth from “charity bingo,” sees no need to foster economic peace in East Jerusalem, where the foundation vigorously underwrites Jewish settlement activity. “Once the Arabs’re cleaned out of there, peace and economic development will take care of themselves.”

In a prepared statement, Mr. Netanyahu characterized economic peace as “scalable, even at the teeny-tiniest micro-level” so that Palestinians had no basis for demanding additional territory. On a related subject, the PM’s statement criticized Elvis Costello, the Pixies, Gil Scott Heron and other artists that have refused to perform in Israel. According to the statement, “these C-list performers are enemies of economic peace, apparently preferring to promote suicide attacks that leave little bits of human flesh dangling from the tattered awnings of family-owned enterprises.”

With some reluctance, but also with a clear awareness of where his money comes from, Noam Arnon will formally present the Moskowitz Foundation Economic Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu in Hebron, where Jewish settler violence has virtually exterminated Palestinian commercial activity around Shuhada Street.

2010-07-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

A CHALLENGE TO ALL CHICKENSHIT ZIONISTS

Zionists, listen up! I, David Bar Echsam, challenge you to a fight. All of you. You’re weak, self-hating cowards and I’m gonna kick your asses.

That means face-to-face combat, bochur. No keyboards, no remote-controlled drones, no mob to protect you. Just you and me. Prison rules. Or no rules at all. And no weapons. Except hands, feet, teeth, permanently affixed prostheses and, when appropriate, genitals. Frankly, after I knock you out, I may have my way with you.

You love force and aggression? Great. Let’s go. Big or small, young or old, ultra-orthodox or secular, male, female or in transition, I don’t care. Fight me. Are you trained? A krav maga expert? A big Jackie Chan fan? Cool. Fight me. You a pencil-necked, pimple-faced yeshiva boy or some other wanker? That’s your problem. Fight me.

A little doubt just crept into your tummy, didn’t it? A brief, disorienting flash of you - all by yourself - somewhere beyond the internet café, somewhere beyond the barracks or the bath-house, nothing lethal or ironic in your hands, exposed and responsible, waiting...

Oh, don’t lose your water, pussy. You’re safe. Unless you take the challenge. Unless you tell me where to find you. Unless you man up and fight me.

Here’s my Zionist fighting schedule: anywhere, any time. You provide the coordinates, I show up, we fight. Feel free to pick a nice place to convalesce after I slap the shit out of you. But don’t delay. I’m limiting myself to bitch-slapping 18 Zionists per day. Why 18? It’s probably a vestige of family gift-giving to the Jewish Federation. I’d go double chai, but there’re only so many hours in a day.

So come out, come out, yellow-belly. This really is the ass-whipping you need. And since you’re not used to fighting without weapons superiority, I’ll take it easy on you. It won’t be like the stomping you’d get in a fair fight with a Palestinian.

2010-07-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

PALESTINIANS STRIVE TO RESIST APPROPRIATELY

According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeli’s “security barrier” would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish State’s admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.

Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that won’t offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).

Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollard’s publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Sa’adat (PFLP).

MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so I’m just gonna say what needs to be said. We’re screwing up the one thing we always agreed on – Israel’s needs come first. We must – I mean must – find modes of resistance that don’t offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. I’ll burn copies for you guys.

SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldn’t agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since it's stuff made on our land and all that, but it’s just way too aggressive. We should’ve run it by the Yesha Council.

FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla – what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, it’s a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.

SA’ADAT: Say, who’s gonna talk to these hotheads in Ni’lin and Bi’lin? It’s not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I don’t want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.

FAYYAD: You’re blaming the Authority, I assume.

SA’ADAT: Your turf, man.

FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have –

MESHAL: C’mon, c’mon. Guys, there’s plenty of blame for everyone. Let’s keep it positive.

SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says –

SA’ADAT: This the one where the rabbi says “oy vey, it’s bigger than a palm tree”?

SHALLAH: You heard it already?

MESHAL: Who hasn’t? That joke’s older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, let’s focus here. One suggestion - why don’t we just ask the Israelis what protest they’ll tolerate?

SA’ADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, you’re just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, it’s our duty to figure this out.

MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?

SHALLAH: That’s just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis don’t have a comparable peacemaker.

FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.

MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit it quietly through proper channels, we can’t go wrong. It’s their own form.

SHALLAH: That’s good. Just let’s not flood them with complaints. We’ll look like a nuisance and it’s not very nice.

MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.

FAYYAD: Well, too little’s okay.

SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!

SA’ADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like he’s in my head!

FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!

MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but we’re burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesn’t offend those guys, it’s good to go.

SA’ADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.

MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.

SA’ADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, you’d know I’ve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.

MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said they’re very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?

FAYYAD: Demand?

MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.

SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully request…what?

SA’ADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?

FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?

SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?

SA’ADAT: No, no – that’s to be negotiated.

SHALLAH: This’s really hard. Ya know, I just don’t think it’s so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what they’ll tolerate.

MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.

SA’ADAT: Why can’t we be delightfully quirky like that?

MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest voting’s obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."

FAYYAD: Khaled, c’mon, man…

MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything we’re talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, it’s all on purpose to make us surrender?

SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, that’s really paranoid.

SA’ADAT: Worse, it’s anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, I’m very disappointed.

SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.

FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.

MESHAL: Sorry. Guess I’m a little frustrated…

SHALLAH: Here’s a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says “let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. “Let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, “I’m not buying you guys any more drinks.” Jewish guy says, “good, ‘cause we’re tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!”

FAYYAD: Now that’s funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!

2010-06-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

ISRAEL CONTINUES WORLD CUP ADVANCE

Israel’s drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFA’s inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the world’s gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFA’s self-serving procedures “disputed.” All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israel’s Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.

Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg

We’re talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africa’s been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone else’s goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporter’s loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!

“This team's firing on all cylinders!” gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. “I don’t like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, it’s all up to them.”

It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!

Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldn’t be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they could’ve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!

What you football crazies need to understand is this ain’t your rabbi’s old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (“Thank God you’re a man,” the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!

Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, security’s always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a “well-meaning” Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Let’s just say he’s headed his last ball.

Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israel’s-always-wrong crowd can’t stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then there’s that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): “These Israeli guys’re always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, there’s not even a goalie left. But they’re still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.” Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasn’t shown up down here. He’d cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)

By the way, let’s quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad “hit.” Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get “killed” in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.

Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the “official” winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesn’t wait forever. One way or the other…See you at the finals!

2010-06-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

BARAK FOLLOWS THE GANGSTA LIFESTYLE

Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud “Little 2-Face” Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe “Boogie” Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi “Dracula” Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer “Chopstix” Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that “we aren’t North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there aren’t second chances for those that don’t defend themselves.” So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.

CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of –

BARAK: Man, don’t be puttin’ your sandal on that footlocker. Y’all disrespectin’ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.

CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. I’m just trying to make sure I understand…when you say “no mercy for the weak,” are you implying the Flotilla was weak? We’ve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.

BARAK: Now y’all puttin’ words in my mouth, yo. What I’m tellin’ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ain’t no way ‘round that in this world.

CI: So you’re saying Israel can’t be perceived as weak or she’ll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -

BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethin’ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gon’ do? Y’all gon’ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gon’ crack my motherfuckin’ head open. Or next time, won’t be no jelly bean. I’ll be takin’ the motherfuckin’ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any ol’ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gon’ do then? Nothin’. ‘Cause it too late.

CI: So it’s as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison –

BARAK: Now you getting’ it, baby. Y’all in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gon’ be somebody’s bitch.

CI: But how do you get out of –

BARAK: Out?! Y’all must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ain’t no out. Shit.

CI: It’s so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.

BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.

CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous “generous offer” at Camp David.

BARAK: Man, y’all gotta understand they wasn’t no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other ho’s. Man, I don’t give nothin’ away. You want what I got, gon’ have to take it.

CI: Aren’t you like a prisoner that’s become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?

BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep ‘em mean.

CI: Even cruel?

BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixin’ to whup my ass. Thinkin’ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gon’ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he don’t never ever think about whupping my ass again. He don’t just think twice about it. He don’t think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothin’ inside him but the fear.

CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justice…

BARAK: Boy, y’all one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else – killaz now, killaz forevuh.

CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said “the IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.” Isn’t that contradicting –

BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.

CI: There’s that vaunted Jewish sense of humor…

BARAK: Ain’t no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitin’ on? Pop a cap in that motherfucker’s ass.

CI: Ahh!! I’m a journalist!

BARAK: Ain’t that some sweet shit…Dracula, cap his ass again!

2010-06-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

HOW STUPID ARE YOU?

Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, it’s time to play Israel’s favorite game, “How Stupid Are You?” Sure, you’re familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, let’s review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because here’s where you come in. You’ll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you can’t, or - better yet - you don’t even know it’s a lie, a panel of Israel’s top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler “How Stupid Are You?” And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahu’s own spin doctor, the bullshitter’s bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the “pro” in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and let’s play “How Stupid Are You?!!”

“With the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.” Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?

“Israel had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.” Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?

“Anything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.” Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?

“Our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not ‘weapons’ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.” Kosher? How Stupid Are You?

“The beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara – objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the world’s most powerful armed forces.” Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?

“Forcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.” Cool? How stupid are you?

“With the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, there’s a rock-solid rumor that they’re linked to Al Qaeda.” Wow. How Stupid Are You?

“This whole unfortunate incident could’ve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of ‘humanitarian’ would’ve applied, which means most of the ships’ cargo would’ve been rejected, and the rest would’ve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.” Anything? How stupid are you?

“If there were any reason to investigate Israel’s defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea – and there is none – Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.” How Stupid Are You?

“Any belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britain’s Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.” How...stupid...are...you?

Thanks for playing “How stupid are you?” Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and c’mon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.

2010-05-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

ISRAEL FEELING SINGLED OUT

The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)

SHMUEL R. (software designer): “All I’m saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, you’re a Jew-hating shit-head. That’s all I’m saying.”

ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): “I’m only against being singled out. I don’t oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that we’re unique, a Light Unto Nations, God’s Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, don’t single us out.”

ADINA L. (early childhood educator): “Once in a while, single us out for something good we’ve developed – like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.”

YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): “How about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?”

TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): “Maybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause in…all those places they cause trouble in."

STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) “Why don’t they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why don’t they? Nothing to say, judenrat?”

AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) “Us they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?”

MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): “Can you believe what they’re getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?”

YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): “Which singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?”

DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) “Blood libel!”

SHIMON P. (President of Israel): “It’s time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites.”

AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): “As a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. It’s a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.”

GOLDA A. (painless dentist): “I have only one question about this repulsive singling out – is it good for the Jews?”

2010-04-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

THANK GOD I WASN’T BORN A GENTILE

In 2009, MK Zevulun Orlev (New National Religious Party) proposed legislation to criminalize public denial of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish and democratic state (but only if that denial might arouse attitudes rejected by all civilized people, such as “disdain”). Also in that year, MK Alex Miller (Yisrael Beitenu) presented a law outlawing commemoration of al Nakba (that sourpuss Palestinian slur for Israeli independence). Yet purple-lipped, Jew-hating zealots vilified us. Us! The Only Democracy in the Middle East! For what? For doing nothing more than invoking our inalienable right to punish opinions we don’t want to hear. Oh, the things they called us – small-minded, racist, weak. Anything to put Jews on the defensive. Now we’re getting hassled for a military order authorizing expulsion or imprisonment of any Palestinian in the West Bank without proper Israeli-issued West Bank identification. Aren’t we the only nation being de-legitimized for administrative efficiency?

Enough. No more explanations, justifications or strategic and minutely limited contrition. No more soothing your gentile sensibilities. The gloves are coming off. Goyim, here’s the truth. We’re better. That’s it. Case closed. Jews are better. You already knew that. Now deal with it. No more asking us to change things for you. Why should we? We’re already better than you. Next time we do something you don’t like, keep your mouths shut. Who are you to tell us anything? You’re less. And in this case, less is not more. Thank God we weren’t born gentiles. Now get out. Leave Eretz Israel. Why would we want you here? We want to be around better people. We are better people. Go. If we want you to do something for us, we’ll let you know. Until then, just go.

We’ve tried to tell you this for a long time. “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” This is our prayer. What part didn’t you understand? “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” Either you didn’t listen carefully or we overestimated your gentile capacity to understand our meaning. So now we’ll remind you every time our paths intersect. We’ve proposed a new law in the Knesset - the “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Law.” It requires us to tell you, whenever possible, how we feel about ourselves and about you. Under the TGIWBAG Law, the words “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile” must appear conspicuously in any document or be spoken in a loud, strong voice whenever:

Israel accepts financial aid, loan guarantees or weaponry from the United States or any other nation;

Israel demands that another country sanction or attack Iran;

Israel demands (1) a veto of an unfavorable UN resolution or (2) international repudiation of a UN agency, an NGO, a BDS proposal or the Goldstone Report;

An Israeli official or diplomat lobbies the US Congress, the parliament of any other nation or any multi-national organization;

Israel enters into a treaty or other agreement with any nation or people;

Anything produced in Israel or by Jewish settlers in the occupied territories is offered for sale outside Israel;

Israel issues a Jewish “nationality” passport (but not any of the other 100-plus “nationalities” on Israeli passports);

Israel communicates with any foreign ambassador or emissary who has not already been insulted;

Israel accepts money or support from a Christian Zionist (unless a Rapture occurs first);

A Jewish Israeli describes “our shared values” to any Western media outlet;

Israel equals or exceeds its total of 1 bronze medal in the 2008 Olympics (note: calling the host nation “scum,” as bronze medalist Sahar Zudari did in Beijing, cannot be substituted for “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile”);

A Jewish Israeli copies the cuisine, music, television, film, dance or popular culture of another people or nation (this includes any version of the high-five, rapping in any language, karaoke and Amir “Brother” Benayoun’s music);

Omri Casspi accepts his paycheck from the Maloof family, the Lebanese-American owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings;

Bibi’s comb-over appears in a foreign publication (speak firmly - and no laughing).

So, gentile, hopefully this will clarify, once and for all, our perspective on Jewish-only highways and Arab inhabitation of East Jerusalem. And the next time you fly into Israel on Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airlines, land at Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airport, and exchange your currency for a stack of Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentiles, look closely at those proud and pious Jewish men strolling in their handsome fur Shtreimels and conversing in Hebrew. You’ll know exactly what they’re thinking.

2010-04-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

SPRING BOOKS FOR FERVENT ZIONISTS

Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, God’s eternally Chosen People and humankind’s eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If you’re too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesn’t.

THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)

Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israel’s struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (“[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.”) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another “and kill” to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes “all day, every day” to “24/7/365.” The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, “will become even bigger animals than they are today.” The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans don’t quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, they’re doomed to live as werewolves.

SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).

In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israel’s image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israel’s supporters with “Justification Fatigue.” He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDF’s principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed “I feel really flatulent.” But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. “Let them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. They’ll awaken to a united Jerusalem.”

IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)

No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to America’s presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)

The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israel’s most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews don’t speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldstein’s medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldstein’s idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.

CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)

Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as “cowardly and naïve.”

AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).

In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israel’s Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israel’s “culinary High Priestess” and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach – how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shi’ite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.

DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)

The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for “the despised,” by pit-bulling for some of America’s biggest – and often wealthiest – assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. “I am,” he insists, “my toughest case.” Labeling himself an “utterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,” the frothy professor persuades us that he’s everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.

RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).

Israel’s Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabet’s letter “J.” After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital “J” the “eternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.” Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. “It is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.”

SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).

Israel’s Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when they’re not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.

2010-03-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

I LOVE LUCY THE CHRISTIAN ZIONIST

Another Circus Israel exclusive: Israel Channel 1 will roll out a new comedy series remaking the legendary American sitcom “I Love Lucy.” The original “Lucy” premiered in the 1950’s and has delighted succeeding generations in re-run. The title roles, inaugurated by Lucille Ball (“Lucy Ricardo”) and Desi Arnaz (“Ricky Ricardo”), will be assumed by Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon and his Israeli-American spouse, Anne. Evgeny Afineevsky of New Generation Films will produce and direct. Afineevsky’s previous work includes “Oy Vey, My Son is Gay” and “Booty and the Beast.” The new “Lucy” will be called "I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist" and will be set in contemporary Israel, retaining the flavor and characters of the original. “Listen, I’m so thrilled with this project!” said Afineevsky. "Danny and Anne are perfect, and I’ve got Menahem Golan, who loved ‘Lucy’ forever, backing me up again. And I’ll tell you something else. I worked with Carmen Electra in 'Oy Vey,’ and you just might see her as a wacky neighbor who’s into Kabbalah.” Circus Israel obtained a rough-cut of the first episode of the new “Lucy” by telling Danny Ayalon he looked “youthful.” Here’s what we saw on the screen…

SCENE 1

The Ricardos' living room in Hod Hasharon. RICKY RICARDO enters, humming. Applause. He stumbles on a toy - a dinosaur with a skullcap and payot. He picks it up, sighs.

RICKY: And they say the Jews haven’t been here since time immemorial?

As Ricky puts the toy on the sofa, LUCY RICARDO enters. Applause.

LUCY: What’d you say, honey?...(Seeing the toy) Oof! Nim'as li! (Firing the toy at a frightened MAID) Are you retarded? Clean this room! (To Ricky, suddenly smiling) Sweetheart, I was just thinking… (straightens his tie) how ever since we met 33 years ago when I was an Ohio schoolgirl with fresh, all-American looks, red hair, unexpectedly fulsome breasts and oral skills tailor-made to hook a handsome, ambitious, high-strung but essentially insecure Mizrahi bandleader-politician hunting for a trophy wife men would lust for…(pauses for breath), you’ve made me almost the happiest gal in Israel.

RICKY: “Almost.” Wait a second. You’re up to something, Lucy. Another one of your hare-brained schemes?

LUCY: Oh, Ricky, how could you say such a thing?

RICKY: C’mon, what is it this time?

LUCY: Well, nothing really. Just Ethel and I are working on a cabaret act …

RICKY: And?

LUCY: And we’d really like to perform in your show -

RICKY: Absolutely not.

LUCY: Please, honey -

RICKY: I said no. That’s it. Now let’s get ready for the Turkish ambassador. He’ll be here any minute. With plenty of news cameras.

LUCY: Cameras?

RICKY: Lucy, no bright ideas.

LUCY: Of course not, dear.

SCENE 2

Lucy’s in the family garden, arranging chairs. She continuously rearranges, trying for perfection. After several changes, she returns to the original arrangement, triggering the laugh track. ESTHER “ETHEL” MERTZ enters in a cabaret dress. Applause. She looks around furtively.

ETHEL: Ricky around?

LUCY: He’s flirting with the hall mirror. The big lug says it completes him.

ETHEL: Where’s your cabaret dress, Lucy?

LUCY: Ready to go.

ETHEL: I just don’t think this’ll work.

LUCY: Stop worrying, Ethel. It’s foolproof. We put on those dreadful veils and tell the security detail we’re with the Turkish ambassador. Once we get in front of the cameras, we ditch the veils and start singing. Ricky has to go along - he can’t admit we crashed his meeting. Uh-oh, here he comes! Hide behind that Shoah memorial fountain.

Ethel does. Ricky enters.

RICKY: Lucy, what’re you doing? Are you crazy?

LUCY: What’s wrong? Everything’s equal.

RICKY: That’s what’s wrong! Ahabla! Don’t you understand - we’re humiliating Turkey for criticizing Operation Cast Lead and making the Mossad look violent on TV. (Pulling down the Turkish flag) Throw this rag away. (Tossing chair) And no seat. Inflate that little wading pool and fill it with warm water. The ambassador can sit in it like a baby. I’ll stand on the lifeguard tower and look down at him.

LUCY: I thought Turkey was our ally.

RICKY: I told you a thousand times, Israel doesn’t have allies. We have mutual interests. Turkey’s no different than you Christian Zionists.

LUCY: We’re selling Heron drones to the Christian Zionists, too? About time.

RICKY: Stop being silly and go find some handcuffs. We’ll strip the ambassador naked and let our dog lunge at him. And no funny business with the cabaret stuff.

Lucy leaves to find handcuffs. Ricky shakes his head. EFRAIM “FRED” MERTZ enters. Applause.

FRED: Hey, Rick. You won’t believe what happened to me. They used my passport.

RICKY: Who?

FRED: The Mossad. When they hit al-Mabhouh in Dubai. Hell, I never left the country. I’ve been constipated for a month.

RICKY: Maybe it wasn’t the Mossad.

FRED: And maybe the Pals don’t miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

RICKY: That line never gets old, Fred.

FRED: Wish I could say the same about Ethel. Hey, listen, I got that Congressman Delahunt coming to your little shindig. And his J Street puppetmasters.

RICKY: Nice work! We’re going to have quite a humiliation party. Speaking of which, Lucy and Ethel are cooking something up.

FRED: Not Ethel’s eggplant salad.

RICKY: Worse. Cabaret. And I’ve got a little surprise for them. I figure they’ll try to sneak in with the Turkish ambassador. So I told the security boys to pick ‘em up and interrogate ’em. Let’s see if an hour with their heads in a vomit-filled bag improves their behavior.

FRED: Heck, Ethel’s already a vomit-filled bag.

RICKY. Fred. Be nice.

FRED: Easy for you to say. Your wife’s got all-American looks, red hair and unexpectedly fulsome breasts

RICKY: (indicating the corner of his mouth) Fred…

FRED: Huh? Oh…(he wipes food from his face) Ethel’s eggplant salad. Hey, a man’s gotta eat.

RICKY: C’mon, it’s almost show time. Call Avigdor, tell him we’re set.

Ricky and Fred leave. Ethel comes out of hiding, furious. Lucy enters.

LUCY: Thought they’d never leave.

ETHEL: Vomit-filled bag, huh?

LUCY: What’s wrong, Ethel.

ETHEL: Nothing a targeted assassination wouldn’t cure. By the way, they‘ve already figured out your plan.

LUCY: Then we’ll just go to Plan B.

SCENE 3

In front of the Ricardo home. The Turkish AMBASSADOR (Ahmet Oguz Celikkol) and his entourage alight from several cars. The usual klan of ultra-nationalist, ultra-orthodox and ultra-nationalist/ultra-orthodox protesters, premature burnouts and Aryeh Eldad scream and spit at them. Security personnel and police from various agencies watch indifferently. Ricky and Fred are sunbathing on recliners.

RICKY: Hey, what’s this, a Qassam squad?

FRED: Or just car thieves?

AMBASSADOR: Please, Deputy Minister Ricardo, help us.

RICKY: And you are…?

AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Celikkol, of course. You know this.

RICKY: From…?

FRED: Iran?

RICKY: Hamas? No, wait. From that empire that used to occupy our land. Ottoman.

FRED: The kind you put your feet on.

RICKY: (passing sunscreen to the Ambassador) Here, get my legs. Then go back to our pool. My wife has your place ready.

AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage!

RICKY: (to security) Escort the ambassador and his henchmen to the pool. And question those two.

As the Ambassador and his entourage are hustled away, two women with veiled faces are separated and taken toward a security vehicle. Ricky and Fred cackle.

RICKY: Question them thoroughly!

FRED: Watch out for the fat one! She kicks like a mule!

Ricky and Fred stroll toward the rear of the house. Nearby, two bearded RABBIS stride past other security officers.

OFFICER: Stop. Show me an invitation.

1ST RABBI: We just want to throw these bricks at the Turk.

OFFICER: (waving them in) Stay away from the buffet.

SCENE 4

The Ambassador sits handcuffed in a child’s wading pool, where Fred’s hosing him down. Ricky’s talking to the news cameras.

RICKY: Look how puny he is! Like his backward, anti-semitic country. Yet we’re offering him a cool drink of water.

AMBASSADOR: You must stop!

FRED: Water too Jewish for ya?

Security escorts US. CONGRESSMAN BILL DELAHUNT toward the pool.

RICKY: Ah, Congressman, welcome to the Land of Israel! You see how I welcome you when you’re not with the Israel-haters from J Street?

DELAHUNT: I’m very puzzled by all this. And, frankly, offended.

RICKY: Offended? You question Israel’s right to exist? (To cameras) Do you hear this incitement to terror?

DELAHUNT: I’m a United States Congressman, sir.

FRED: Not for long. When the campaign cash rains on your Republican opponent, they’ll Scott Brown your butt right outta Massachusetts.

RICKY: Israel’s legitimacy will not be undermined by the international community. It comes directly from God, channeled through implacable future Prime Ministers like myself. (Climbing up to the diving board of his swimming pool) Witness our power! Behold! I part the waters!! (He gestures down to the pool. Nothing happens.) Behold! (to Fred, sotto voce) Psst – Fred, drain the pool!

FRED: Sorry, Rick. I got caught up with the Turkish bath. I’ll get right on it.

As Fred runs to open the pool drain, the two Rabbis dash in front of the cameras.

1ST RABBI: Mordechai, did you hear the one about the Arab that didn’t blame all his problems on Israel?

2ND RABBI: Sure didn’t, Meir.

1ST RABBI: Neither did I.

2ND RABBI: Then we might as well enjoy some cabaret.

The Rabbis toss off their disguises and long coats, revealing Lucy and Ethel in their cabaret dresses.

RICKY: Lucy! What’re you doing? This is MY show!

Lucy and Ethel sing “Willkommen” from the musical “Cabaret.” These lyrics flow and repeat as the action continues:

Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
Fremder, etranger, stranger
Glcklich zu sehen,
Je suis enchant,
Happy to see you,
Bleibe, reste, stay.
Willkommen! Bienvenue!
Welcome!

FRED: (returning) OK, Rick, the pool's draining.

RICKY: Lucy! Are you crazy?! (He curses to the heavens in Hebrew, then) Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do!

Foreign Minister AVIGDOR LIEBERMAN marches in, leading a line of ambassadors from several nations, tied together. His Star of David, Chai and other Jewish bling cover his powder-blue jogging suit.

LIEBERMAN: Yo, Ricky! I got all they asses, baby. All them goy-ass countries. Y’all wanna disrespect Israel? We gon’ show you what time it is!...Hey, whassup with your bitch?

RICKY: She gets some crazy ideas in that head of hers.

AVIGDOR: But all them cameras on her now! That's wrong, man. I got to do everything myself?

RICKY: Just waiting for the pool to drain so I can finish my Red Sea -

AVIGDOR: I know what you fixin' to do, man! Don't need no explanation. I need action - before all them media leave out. (Climbing up to Ricky) So what you gon' do - get your ho on “A Star is Born” or represent for Israel?... Best be makin’ up your mind, dog. Y’all won’t be gettin’ no better shit than this here.

FRED: Go for it, Rick!

RICKY: You’re right. It’s our destiny, Avigdor. (To cameras and ambassadors) Heed me, you ambassadors of Jew-hatred! The important thing is that you’re lower and we’re up high and there’s only one flag, and you see we’re not smiling!

AVIGDOR: Hell no! Ain’t no smilin’!

RICKY: Criticize Israel at your peril!

AVIGDOR: Damn right!

RICKY: Israel will do as it pleases – and you will be silent! We will attack all who unsettle us! Strength lies not in defense but in attack!

AVIGDOR: Word!

RICKY: We are fighting for our very lives -

LUCY: Ricky -

RICKY: - armed only with a slingshot -

LUCY: Ricky!!

RICKY: What?! Can’t you see I’m surging?

LUCY: Can Ethel and I be in your show?

RICKY: Let’s discuss this later, sweetheart.

LUCY: Listen, Moses, I know you too well. It’s now or never.

RICKY: OK, honey, you win. (As Lucy & Ethel hug in delight) As soon as the Palestinians disarm, renounce refugee return, sign away East Jerusalem and the Jordan Valley and move obediently into their urban reservations linked only by vehicle tunnels deep underground, you’re in the show.

As Lucy’s lips purse in her trademark “I’ve-been-punked” grimace and she makes her familiar “eeehhh” sound, the “I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist” theme song comes up and everyone resumes what they were doing.

2010-02-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

JEWS HOOKED ON REVENGE, SAYS BAR MITZVAH BOY

Circus Israel recently attended the bar mitzvah of a spirited 13-year old in Toronto. In the Jewish tradition, this ceremony marks the passage of boy-to-man, as the burgeoning male recites foundational text to his congregation for the first time, then discourses about its meaning. He then assumes responsibility for his own adherence to Jewish law. He can now form binding contracts and get married. This doesn’t mean he can actually marry anywhere in North America, or have lawful sexual relations. Or execute a cell phone contract. Or drive a car, own a gun, order a drink, leave school, consent to medical care, vote, buy real estate, play organized sports or stay out late if his parents say no. But that’s not the point. This is our tradition, it sets us apart, and Chinese kids under ten ruled dynasties. In some cultures, he’d already be a dad. In any case, after this particular, newly-minted Toronto man finished his Torah recitation, he offered the following reflections (captured on a Sony ICD-UX71Digital Voice Recorder – the official digital voice recorder of Circus Israel).

Today, I am a man. OK, first I want to thank my parents, Norman and Ruth, and of course Rabbi Zonenshein-Imeibachdor, and my tutor, Bogie, and really like everybody who came to my Bar Mitzvah. Some of you came from far away and that’s really nice. I wish Zade and Bubbe Krakpotkin could be here today, too. I didn’t know them, but I know their spirit is here with us. And I even want to thank my sister Leah, who helped me so much. Yeah, right. Leah, it’s your turn next year, and payback is gonna be sweet. And that’s actually the subject of my D’var Torah. I know I’m supposed to talk about the parashah from the service, but I kind of relate to this a little better.

Like, I’m 13 now, and I was really thinking about what it means to be a Jew in today’s world. You’ve all really taught me a lot, and we’ve been to Israel twice, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out. It’s revenge. I mean, people say a lot of stuff and everything, about the culture and the Torah and Hebrew and all that. But the most important part is revenge. Like my mom says, “After what we’ve been through, we’re not gonna be the nice one now.” And I think that’s, like, really true. It’s like everybody else thinks there should be this big Civil Rights Law for the whole world, and maybe that’s a good idea, but not till we finish getting even.

I know this isn’t the coolest thing to say. You don’t just come out and say we want vengeance. But that’s what we want. You can see it. I mean it’s not just my second-cousin Aaron with the price tag policy in the territories. Uncle Alan’s the brains in the family - no offense to everyone else, but a psychoanalyst in New York, that’s a no-brainer. I meant that pun. Anyway, he’s always helping these liberal causes and he never raises his voice. Even his head hardly moves. He just studies you, like he’s doing to me now. But when the IDF toasted Gaza, you should’ve seen him. Like, “Crush ‘em! Wipe ‘em out!” And Aunt Rachel, too. The art dealer. Totally pumped. Like hyenas on a carcass, those two! I mean, you never see that at the High Holidays, or anytime really. I was, like, wow, they rock! It was Jewish payback time!

As far as I can tell, we can’t get enough revenge. I just saw on TV about that Hamas guy the Mossad killed in Dubai. More revenge, right? What else are we supposed to do with Hamas, talk to ‘em?

VOICE: Blood libel!!

It’s Great-Uncle Shlomo! Awesome! For my friends who don’t know, Uncle Shlomo’s Mr. Blood Libel. Tell him the sun’s up - blood libel. There’s dandruff on your coat – blood libel. You missed the Early Bird Buffet at Denny’s-

VOICE: Blood libel!

You’re the best, Uncle Shlomo! And that’s revenge, too, right? You’ve got to avenge a blood libel. Something that awful, you have to. Even if it’s not really that awful, once you say it is, it is. Then you can do whatever you want. You’re never wrong. It’s just retribution.

Man, the Jewish People are like revenge addicts. For the Egyptians and the Romans and the Spaniards and the Germans and the Czar and all the rest of ‘em. We just take it out on the Arabs. And they can’t do anything about it. Sweet. Who’d wanna give that up?

Uh-oh. My parents are giving me that look. Hey, I’m a man today. I’m the man today. This’s my revenge for all those boring classes. No, I’m kidding. It was really fun. The 10 plagues of Egypt. I know ‘em by heart, in order - blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first-born children. Vengeance, baby. I’ve seen “Inglorious Basterds” like six times. Next Halloween, I’m going as my favorite Basterd - Bear Jew. Batter up!

Hey, is this microphone still on? Mom, c’mon. The rabbi said I should tell an anecdote to illustrate my point…No, I promise I’ll talk about the culture. The culture of Jewish revenge!...Fine, I don’t need a mike. My voice’s changing anyway. So… there’s this kid in my lunch period at school and all of a sudden he said, “Dude, you got enough food stuck in your braces to make a sandwich,” and everyone laughed. Real funny. So I got this totally stupid ad about erections and I put the kid’s name on it and slipped it in this really tough kid’s locker. I even drew a heart with Cupid’s arrow. It makes me laugh just describing it. So the tough kid punched the other kid in the eye and they both got suspended. It was awesome! This kid’d really embarrassed me and I got him back like twenty times over. It felt great! And nobody could prove I did it. I mean, everybody kind of knew, but I just like kept it ambiguous.

So, on this day of my bar mitzvah, I conclude that payback is great. I really want to do it again. I hope somebody else messes with me, and I hope I don’t have to wait a long time. It really gets you organized. And if the world really wants to understand the Jewish People, it better understand that’s how we roll.

Okay, let’s get this party started! There’s breast of chicken and an awesome DJ. Mazel tov!

2010-01-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

ISRAEL’S MAN OF THE DECADE – UDAY HUSSEIN

Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late – certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharon’s bowel noises. But it’s great to be late when you get it straight – and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???

What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israel’s ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?

Not convinced Uday’s the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - what’s Israel’s message to the world? You’re either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israel’s a big ol’ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didn’t like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israel’s Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Uday’s. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.

“I really admired that rascal,” said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. “How many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.”

Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, “Uday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.”

Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.

President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committee’s Choice. “Listen, I’m being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I can’t always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine – his personal Shoah – but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.”

And finally, don’t forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So don’t tell us that Uday’s you’ll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesn’t remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israel’s Man of the Decade – Uday Saddam Hussein!!

2009-12-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

THE REAL IMPACT OF BOYCOTTING ISRAEL

Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, there’s concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (“An Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitch”). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezer’s office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.

…Next analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.

CUT DIAMONDS

The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israel’s leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girl’s best friend – and, of course, they’re forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN “blood diamond” accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency weren’t worthless, our mercenaries wouldn’t have to require diamonds as payment.)

MILITARY EQUIPMENT

The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-one–at-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (“Uzi’s Club”) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons don’t respect borders. They define them.

HUMAN TRAFFIC

Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committee’s favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.

MERCENARIES & ANTI-TERRORISM CONSULTANTS

We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.

PHARMACEUTICALS

Teva’s status as the world’s largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for “Palestinian-made” goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper – our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.

ILLEGAL DRUGS

Israel’s leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people won’t sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.

CITRUS FRUITS

Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious – a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.

SOFTWARE & INTEGRATED CIRCUITS

The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers won’t be lost to our Arab enemies. It’s common knowledge that Arabs can’t produce, or even use, technology.

2009-12-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

THE GILAD SHALIT QUIZ

Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel – the ones with “Free Gilad” t-shirts and posters and websites – would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didn’t, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalit’s.

1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed “no-go” zone on the Palestinian side of the border.

2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for “membership in an illegal organization” (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.

3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their child’s tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?

4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that he’s denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?

5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.

6) Israel hasn’t agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) he’s consuming much of Gaza’s meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.

7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalit’s 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunu’s 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.

8) After he’s released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before they’re captured (the “Hannibal Procedure”); d) all of the above.

9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no “b.”

10) True or false: after Gilad Shalit’s release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.

Bonus question for ardent Giladniks – do you think his family might be tired of your shit?

2009-11-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

NOW EVERYBODY POOPS IN HEBREW

Japanese author Taro Gomi’s beloved children’s book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomi’s charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore life’s elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a “handful of revisions” were made to Gomi’s work, to remove the “new anti-semitism” implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.

Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.

Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.

Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.

Arabs poop.
On other people’s land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians won’t poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.

Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israel’s military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Here’s a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.

Europeans poop.
It’s all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.

Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israel’s poop.

2009-11-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

ISRAEL’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, it’s just more of the diplomatic “69” the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock – but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldn’t it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israel’s passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?

From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 – MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has “enormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.” He has also “set up an enormous real estate project…including 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.”

From Reuters, March 20, 2008 – The US government has penalized the “BM Group, Cuba’s largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.” The BM Group is also described as “Cuba’s biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havana’s main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].” The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.

These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But they’re buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan – he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)

Let’s face it, Israel, you’re going through the motions on this American embargo. You’re faking it. You’re two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?

2009-10-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

ASK THE RABBI

Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kook’s website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.

Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, I’m being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I can’t be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.
Avram, from Itamar.

Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obama’s America. I can’t resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Al’s King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL – of course you didn’t pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at www.goatbusters.org.il. Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi. I’m 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, won’t G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?
Eliana from Betar Illit.

Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be “modern” - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.

Dear Rabbi – I’m a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. I’m a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win – man, it isn’t even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though I’m from a small country that’s dependent on the US.
Luis “The Plague” Herrera from San Juan.

Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isn’t trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome – and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and can’t be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. We’d barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldn’t wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,
Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.

Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary must’ve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. “Goebbelstone.” (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased “investigation” from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how we’ve redefined Jimmy Carter – an American President!! – as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.

2009-10-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

ISRAEL TO DEFEND COPYRIGHT ON BULLSHIT NEGOTIATIONS

PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israel’s leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish State’s ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israel’s demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the “5+1 Group” and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israel’s cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iran’s flagrant infringement of Israel’s internationally recognized copyright. “We wrote the book on ‘Talk & Take,’” said Israel’s insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. “We put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. This’s our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.”

Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated ‘Talk & Take’ program. “That provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?” asked Moshe “Boogie” Ya’alon, Israel’s other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. “When I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Wait’ll our lawyers get done with him.”

In fact, Israel’s lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israel’s West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICC’s jurisdiction in 2002. “So what?” snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. “Now we want something.”

“But let's be clear that these allegations can’t be turned against us,” cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. “When you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.”

Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. “No Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,” Morris said. “Ben-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would – wait, is he dead yet or what?”

2009-09-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

MASA RECOVERS LOST JEWISH PROPERTY

Masa, an organization jointly concocted by the Israeli government and the Jewish Agency, recently cancelled an ad campaign decrying assimilation by Jews outside Israel. Alarmed by intermarriage, the campaign urged Israelis to contact Masa and rat out “lost” Jews. Although the ads have been pulled, Masa still receives tips, then dispatches its rapid response teams to bring wayward Jews back into the demographic war. Masa begins the retrieval process with a phone call to the lost Jew. Those calls are randomly monitored for quality assurance, and Circusisrael obtained a transcript of a typical Masa outreach.

NATHAN: Hello.
TEVYE: Natan?
NATHAN: Who’s this?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: Tevye?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: From “Fiddler”?
TEVYE: Of course. Listen, your cousin from Alfei Menashe called. This’s a very disturbing situation.
NATHAN: What is?
TEVYE: The girlfriend who’s not Jewish. It’s inconceivable. Feh!
NATHAN: Tevye, look -
TEVYE: I’m sure she’s a hottie, Natan. Always ready to take off the clothes.
NATHAN: Whoa –
TEVYE: Especially on Friday night. Just when you want to go to synagogue. Off with the clothes -
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa -
TEVYE: This leads to catastrophe, Natan. First the marriage, then the divorce, then she spends your money on G-d-knows-who.
NATHAN: How did you actually say “God” out loud without an “o”?
TEVYE: Don’t blaspheme, Natan. And don’t change the subject. You can’t marry this shiksa. Bad enough I didn’t stop my Hodel from running off with that little Cossack. But the children were still Jewish -
NATHAN: Tevye, enough –
TEVYE: No! Now I sing “Tradition!”
NATHAN: Please don’t –
TEVYE: Your marriage isn’t about you, Natan! It’s about the Jewish people.
NATHAN: So forget love?
TEVYE: Love a Jewish woman, make Jewish babies. Yente’s got already girls for you. You’ll come to Israel, you’ll have lunch, you’ll pick one –
NATHAN: Stop. This’s ridiculous. You’re too late anyway. We’re getting married today.
TEVYE: Today! Oy! Nobody tells me…now I’ve got to send somebody. Where’s that meshuggeneh button. Hold on…
NATHAN: Tevye? Hello?...Shit! Unbelievable –
TEVYE: Ok, I’m back. I had to use the other line to send the Mossad. They –
NATHAN: Mossad!
TEVYE: Just a hood and handcuffs.
NATHAN: Tell me you’re not serious.
TEVYE: So who did you call about the Goldstone Report?
NATHAN What’s the Goldstone Report got to do with –
TEVYE: Can you blow the shofar, Natan?
NATHAN: Shofar? What – are you stalling or something?
TEVYE: So why do you punish your parents with this girl? They got a bad magician for your Bar Mitzvah?
NATHAN: Guns N Roses tribute band.
TEVYE: I like the show tunes myself. “South Pacific.” Listen, I’m going to be frank. This disgraceful marriage doesn’t mean you can’t spend a little time with Jewish women.
NATHAN: How so?
TEVYE: Men have their affairs, Natan. When you have yours, leave the condom in your wallet. Make a Jew.
NATHAN: Tevye, did you…?
TEVYE: Never! Why should I? With Golde, I made 5 daughters.
NATHAN: C’mon, Tevye. You delivered the milk.
TEVYE: Ok, Ok, maybe I was a backdoor man sometimes, but I kept it strictly in the tribe. I should’ve done more - so when the Arabs surrounded our little stetl with their mighty army -
NATHAN: Not the Arabs. The Czar.
TEVYE: What’s the difference, Natan? We’re always the victims. Never forget that.
NATHAN: I need to go dress for the wedding.
TEVYE: I can’t allow this, Natan. We need the numbers, to redeem the land. You’ll make aliyah, marry a righteous Jew, have children for the IDF. That’s it.
NATHAN: What happened to you, Tevye? You were a nice guy.
TEVYE: A schlamazel. They ran us out of Anatevka. Now we run them out.
NATHAN: Yeah, right. I gotta go, Tevya.
TEVYE: Yes, you do.
An EXPLOSION.
NATHAN: Holy shit!! What is this? Tevye, they blew up my wall!!
TEVYE: Of course. In case you booby-trapped the doors.
NATHAN: They’re putting a hood on my head…!
TEVYE: You’re not lost anymore, Nataneleh. Welcome back!

2009-09-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

ISRAEL BIDS FOR 2016 OLYMPICS

Israeli officials announced today that they have submitted a bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. Although the formal deadline for applications passed two years ago, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu said that he “never let international organizations decide what’s best for Israel.” The PM promised that Israel would “vault past” the four cities already chosen as finalists by the International Olympic Committee. “We have something Tokyo, Madrid, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro don’t have – a lethal security barrier.”

After Mr. Netanyahu departed for a “secret meeting with the Russians to discuss Iran,” National Infrastructure Minister and racist crackpot Uzi Landau described the details of the Israeli bid. “Lots of housing. To accommodate all those athletes and personal trainers and whatever, we’ll build thousands of housing units in Judea, Samaria and East Jerusalem.” He identified Ma’ale Adumim and the E-1 area, Givat Ze’ev, Ariel, Har Gilo, the Jordan Valley, Hebron/Kiryat Arba and several Arab neighborhoods in Jerusalem as priority sites for massive construction of housing, synagogues and microchip fabs for Olympic use. Landau added that Arab villages would need to be temporarily relocated, “so they’re not inconvenienced by all those Olympics-only roads.”

Transportation Minister and criminal suspect Yisrael Katz declared that Israel’s leadership was so confident about the success of their bid that construction would begin immediately. “They gave Hitler his Olympics, now it better be our turn.” Asked who would occupy the new housing until the Olympics arrived, Katz said, “I have no idea whatsoever.”

2009-09-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

DESPITE STIMULUS, IS ISRAEL FAILING U.S. ECONOMY?

Israeli officials were on the defensive. Finance Minister and conspiracy theorist Yuval Steinitz angrily rejected the accusation that Israel had not done enough with American military aid to boost the flagging U.S. economy. Steinitz was reacting to an editorial in the influential American magazine TV Guide that charged Israel with failing to spend enough on military hardware in the United States. “What’s Israel doing with all that stimulus cash?” the editorial demanded. “As far as we can tell, it’s going to bonuses and perks instead of Raytheon and Boeing.” Steinitz branded the editorial “genocidal” and declared that “Nobody transfers more dollars from the American taxpayer to the U.S. defense industry than the State of Israel. If they want us to spend more, send it to us.”

Other Israeli officials echoed Steinitz’s refutation of TV Guide’s assertions. “We completely support the American stimulus program,” said compromised Defense Minister Ehud Barak. “Every IDF fighter knows we expect massive firepower and gratuitous target shooting. We prime the pump.”

Still, the TV Guide allegations are not easily dismissed. Israel’s assaults on Gaza and Lebanon didn’t consume the quantity of war materiel that justifies massive replenishment from U.S. suppliers. Big ticket items – aircraft, armored assault vehicles, integrated systems and the like - were essentially undamaged, even by Hezbollah. “Hey, our opponents just aren’t that big,” retorted Barak. “They’re militias, for crying out loud. Throw in some civilians, stretch the campaign out, you still can’t clear much inventory. Size matters in this business.”

Perhaps the greatest failure, according to the TV Guide editorial, is Israel’s inaction in Iran. “Why Israel squanders this opportunity to give America’s economy a golden shot in the arm is beyond comprehension. Apparently, Israel prefers to sit on its grossly excessive stockpiles and contemplate the Judean sunset,” wrote TV Guide.

“Total hypocrisy,” Yuval Steinitz fumed. “Who’s holding us back on Iran? The United States of Ambivalence. Turn us loose, it’ll rain money on McDonnell Douglas.” Added Barak, “Iran will be a big payday for us, too, so we’re motivated. And if the Persians strike back, everyone hits the lottery.”

Another criticism from TV Guide is that American aid is staying in Israel to build settlements, either directly or as an offset to Israel’s own domestic spending. “Settlements? What settlements?” asked Ariel Atias, Israel’s Housing and Construction Minister and staunch foe of ethnic mixing. “The State of Israel hasn’t built anything outside Jerusalem that exceeded natural growth or security needs or territorial expansion. Even if we did a few little things, it was by adjustable rate mortgage from the Messiah.”

As for bonuses, Israeli officials were unapologetic. “Yeah, I got a bonus. So what?” declared Yuval Steinitz. “That’s how we retain and incentivize ambitious philosophy graduates like myself.” Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman said that questions about bonuses intruded into Israel’s internal affairs. “Besides, I spread my bonus with my posse. And I buy a lot of duty free stuff at airports on behalf of the people of Israel.”

Mid-level American officials cautioned Israel to temper its response to the TV Guide editorial. One general, who spoke anonymously because he wasn’t authorized to comment without covering his ass, said “[U.S. Defense Secretary] Bob Gates just told the Arabs to boost their military capabilities against Iran. You don’t need a degree from the University of the Negev to know that‘s code for 'Buy American weapons.' On top of Iraq and Afghanistan, that’s a lot of profits and jobs hooked up to Islam. If I were Israel, I’d buy more Yankee muskets.”

It was left to Shimon Peres, Israel’s President and venerable cloak of insincere moderation, to quell the potential rift between allies. “Of course we’re doing everything in our power to generate military expenditures with our American friends. We’re actively preparing to attack Hezbollah and our actions will be appropriately disproportionate.”

In the meantime, Defense Minister Barak promised there would be no more entry visas for TV Guide.

2009-08-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

YES, YOU CAN CRITICIZE ISRAEL

For reasons that are murky – and probably sinister – the Jewish People have acquired a reputation for demonizing any criticism of the Jewish State. The inference is that we evade responsibility and justify anything we do, no matter how repugnant. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. We enthusiastically welcome constructive criticism. However, certain recent events – the appearance of Rachel Corrie’s mother at the San Francisco Film festival, the histrionics of leftist cults like Breaking the Silence and New Profile, the libelous slurs of academics at various universities in the US (William Robinson at the University of California, Santa Barbara, for instance), the UK, (witness the execrable Hilary Rose), Canada (the flagrant Jew-haters in the CUPE) and Israel (e.g., the traitors, Neve Gordon and Noah Slor at Ben-Gurion University), the lunatic ravings of Arab Israelis (MK Ahmed Tibi, for one) and self-hating Israeli Jews (Ezra Nawi, naturally) and misguided references to the so-called “Nakba” in Israeli textbooks – have simply not been constructive. They've been anti-semitic. They needed correction.

Nonetheless, although we are chosen, we're not perfect. It's “fair game” to discuss our shortcomings. To encourage such healthy discussion, we will provide examples of reasonable criticism of the State of Israel. Goyim should not hesitate to address the following Israeli deficiencies, so long as the content and tone of your discourse are not hurtful to our sensibilities.

1) Israel has not done everything possible to save the entire world from nuclear annihilation by Iran. Although Amadinejad and the bloodthirsty, Arab-like Persian mullahs unquestionably intend to slaughter most of the human race and enslave the survivors, Israel has failed to convince the world to annihilate the Iranians first.

2) Israel has failed to redeem all the Land of Israel for the exclusive enjoyment of the Jewish People. Israel has allowed the selfishness and perfidy of various intruders and their sponsors to obstruct our redemption - which is the sole reason the universe was created.

3) Israel has neglected to arm both sides of several international conflicts, thus depriving one side of the benefits of Israeli military technology. The People who gave the world Einstein, Freud and Marx now have a responsibility to fully share the products of Israel Military Industries and Elbit.

4) Israel has failed to help more Palestinians find jobs in London, Istanbul and New Jersey. We are working on this and will ask Irving Moskowitz, Sheldon Adelson and Haim Saban to fund a job board or something.

5) Israel hasn't always told the exact truth to non-Jews. This is entirely attributable to our security needs. And to the simple fact that we're very special and smart. And you couldn’t handle the truth anyway.

6) Israeli has only a couple of golf courses and they suck.

7) Israeli human traffickers aren't providing even a minimal education for the women they sell. As a result, these women have little value to their pimps after their erotic appeal wears out.

8) Israel has allowed far too many gentiles to learn Hebrew, undermining its function as a secret code. This jeopardizes our security and singularity. We recommend you study Navajo and leave our language to us.

9) Israel has failed to reach out to diaspora Jews living on other planets. Consequently, few extra-terrestrials have made aliyah to the Land of Israel.

10) Israel has not been sufficiently precise about the Arab-to-Jew ratio for purposes of prisoner exchanges. The official and precise ratio is hereby set at is 1100 to 1. The comparable ratio for casualty counts is 1,000,000 to 1. Also, the official and precise ceiling on the acceptable Arab population of the Land of Israel is 1. Or less.

11) Israelis have trained themselves to lick their own balls. While this has prevented intermarriage in many instances, it has made us appear self-absorbed.

12) Israel loves too much. We give and give and give, but where does it get us? Enough said.

2009-07-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

ISRAEL IN NUT HOUSE, DOCUMENTS REVEAL

Documents mistakenly removed from a Jerusalem psychiatric facility disclose that the State of Israel has undergone regular and intensive psychotherapy since the election of Ariel Sharon as Prime Minister in 2001. The documents – including a case summary and session notes – show that Dr. Dorit Oz, a psychiatrist at the Kfar Shaul Mental Health Center, initially treated Israel on an outpatient basis, then admitted the nation as a hospital inpatient. Israel remains at the facility and no release date is scheduled. The Thai sex worker who carrried off the documents to conceal a lubricant does not read Hebrew and was unaware of their classified status. An English translation of selected excerpts appears below.

Case Summary

Israel is a 61-year old male. His chronological age is inconsistent with his developmental age, which is transfixed in pre-adolescence. He has a pre-natal and early childhood history of extraordinary trauma, which he still experiences and acts out daily. He fantasizes he’s a warrior deity, unchanged over thousands of years. He is highly anxious and frequently destructive.

Diagnosis:
Axis I: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Chronic); Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
Axis II: Schizoid Personality Disorder; Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Fear of loss of control torments Israel, and his aggressive behavior provides catharsis. When his feelings of vulnerability become unbearable, he imposes the destruction he fears others would impose on him. Although he characterizes his perceived foes as foolish and weak, he behaves as if they were implacable and more robust than he, lashing out in a manner others call disproportionate. This dynamic only reinforces his construct of a hostile universe in which his aggression is necessary and justified (and, paradoxically, nuanced).

Israel consistently states that he has no real friends, though he reports functional associations based on mutual self-interest. However, it’s extremely important to him to “get the best of” every interaction. It is correspondingly intolerable to feel he has “lost” an exchange and he will act compulsively until a perceived advantage is clearly regained.

Despite his oft-expressed contempt, Israel is obsessively preoccupied with the opinions of others and goes to extraordinary lengths to shape those opinions favorably. This preoccupation seems associated with a dread of his own imperfection. Israel renders his aggressive and destructive behavior tolerable to himself (and, by extension, to a fantasized other) by casting it as the action of a perfect being and absolute victim. Reference to the dissonance between action and perception is dismissed as anti-semitism.

Israel is starting to understand he’s “stuck” – that his feelings of isolation will persist until he risks reaching out to his nemeses. But he remains certain that outreach – whether by him or to him - is weakness. He can’t yet see this as an expression of self-loathing. Rather, he views compromise as self-loathing. Yet he heatedly insists he wants peace, which he describes as a fortress others approach with dread.

Israel has an ambivalent relationship with his concept of God. He professes a duty to revere and obey God and feels chosen by Him. Yet he’s furious with God over the Holocaust, pogroms, expulsions, etc., and is unsure whether these travails show God forsook him, is testing him, or merely letting the chips fall where they may. Since Israel considers his presence on intensely disputed land a gift from God, perpetual conflict is apparently a condition of the gift. This is good, Israel asserts, because conflict makes accommodation unnecessary. “And thank God for the US Congress,” he says.

Israel’s sexuality is ambiguous. Compulsive and earthy virility vies with a stifling, shame-based revulsion toward eroticism. Functionally, he cohabits with the Palestinians, whom he alternatively regards as a treacherous but exotic concubine and a sullen, ungrateful wife. He rages that they “take up all my time” and that his life would be a virtual paradise if they’d “just leave.” Yet his life is organized around controlling and disciplining them, and they provide a ready outlet for his aggression. Quiet interludes make him especially anxious, and he inevitably resumes intimacy through belligerent overtures.

Session Notes

14/6/2009. Probed Israel’s feelings about Palestinian endurance - whether it resonates as strength, whether he feels weak when he can’t drive them away. He became agitated, asserting his strength was vastly superior. When asked if that strength derives from his weaponry or his personality, he asserted that advanced weaponry merely provides efficiency, that he can easily prevail without it. Opines that only the strongest Jews survived history of hardship. Asked whether that was also true for Palestinians, he denied awareness of their hardship.

15/6/2009. Cursing the Palestinians again. “People who aren’t wanted should just go somewhere else.” When asked if Jews should therefore leave the Middle East, he became agitated. Complained bitterly of absence of empathy from everyone (except Geert Wilders), which he attributes solely to anti-semitism. He rejects suggestion that his aggression is at least as visible as his Jewish identity. He states others can see nothing else but Jewish identity. When asked if he, too, can see nothing else, he became agitated and said there’s nothing else to see.

16/6/2009. Israel highly anxious today - concerned there won’t be enough space for his “stuff.” Elaborates more schemes to convince Americans his stuff needs more room. When urged to consider whether fears re stuff are a distraction from deeper issues, he declares he must spread farther inland so Palestinians can’t push him into the sea. Associates to Palestinian wombs producing tidal wave that drowns him. Says haredi wombs must work day and night in “natural growth” counterattack.

17/6/2009. Israel sat without speaking for several minutes. Eventually said he was fooling me, that “facts on the ground” were being established during the silence & I hadn’t noticed. Told him I was aware of the settlements, roads & infrastructure. He became agitated, said he’s always several moves ahead & too crafty to be understood. I asked if that feels lonely. He said it’s very powerful. I suggested a strategy of distraction & subterfuge didn’t project power, but rather self-doubt & shame. He responded he wants me to pass through a metal detector before next session.

18/6/2009. Explored grandiosity today. Israel insists for umpteenth time he’s “chosen,” as proven by disproportionate attention devoted to a small nation. Fiercely rejects suggestion he’s overcompensating for feelings of inferiority, rooted in historic rejection. Also dismisses observation that such attention is perversely associated with belligerence and narcissism, plus proximity to oil resource. Paradoxically, he also complains of “too much” attention, insisting others over-scrutinize him and hypocritically ignore malignancies elsewhere. Claims he’s unfairly treated as a “special case,” but demands exemption from universal norms because of his special history and sensitivities. Stormed out of session early - said I implied he’s a “drama queen.”

19/6/2009. More on grandiosity. Israel again describes his conflicts as extraordinarily complex and beyond the understanding of others. Asked to explain how his perceived complexity differed from, say, central Africa or Kosovo or Sri Lanka or western China, he asserted that the question revealed insufficient depth to understand the answer. Pressed to identify any universal elements in his predicament, he responded that the only universal is anti-semitism. When I posited that his insistence on the complexity of his troubles rendered them insoluble, he became agitated and said I was accusing him of self-persecution.

21/6/2009. Israel was unusually subdued today. He’s sensing his model of ethnic separation denies him approval from the nations he views as most “advanced.” He comments that his tribalism is doubly problematic, inviting comparisons both with “underdeveloped groups” and repugnant historical antecedents (Third Reich, Apartheid South Africa, etc.). Suddenly agitated, he lashed out at “post-modern phonies” who repress their innate loathing of the Other, and at the “primitives” he feels he must cultivate in unsavory alliances. Asked if his desire for an ethnic enclave could survive modernity, Israel predicted modernity wouldn’t survive the inevitable apocalypse. Pressed to consider the centrality of apocalypse to his sense of self, he abruptly left to warn a delegation of Christian Zionists about Iran.

23/6/2009. Israel continues to experience all Arab resistance to his will as “terror.” When urged to consider the purpose of this heightened response to all adverse stimuli, he became agitated. Wouldn’t allow me to discuss the defensive function of the exaggerated fright response among mammals. Denies any feelings of fear - but discourses on terror as intended to undermine his resolve. “That’s the difference between force and terror. Force controls the situation your way. Terror disintegrates you and makes you think about giving in.” He opines that force is masculine, terror is feminine and repulsive.

24/6/2009. Israel ranting today that every Palestinian deserves collective punishment. Asked him to recall his sense that the Jewish experience has been itself collective punishment. He became agitated. Suggested to him that collective punishment is an abdication of responsibility, an expression of infantile rage. He insists it’s a mature geo-political tactic, but ineffective when Arabs are too dumb to slaughter their own leaders or go away. Then why continue, I asked. He destroyed a box of facial tissue.

28/6/2009. Discussed boundary anxiety. Israel still plagued by burden of deciding how much Jewish space is sufficient. Asked him whether Jewish space must necessarily be exclusive Jewish space. He became agitated. Asked him to calm down for once and consider whether anything - literally anything - would ease his turmoil. Israel became uncharacteristically pensive, then blurted that _____

NOTE: additional pages from Dr. Oz’s notes apparently remain inside the institution.

2009-06-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

NEW CIRCUS ISRAEL SHOW TRUMPS “SEVEN JEWISH CHILDREN”

Circus Israel unveiled a theatrical experience designed to counteract the effect of Caryl Churchill’s controversial play, “Seven Jewish Children.” “Ama Behibak Mishmar Hagvul” (“I Love the Border Police”) combines drama, action, music and our vaunted Jewish sense of humor in a forceful response to Churchill’s distortion of the Israeli Jewish ethos. “This shows the world we are not the callous monsters of some minor playwright’s fantasies,” said Israel’s unctuous President, Shimon Peres. “We are a people of compassion, within the limits of our territorial ambitions.”

In “I Love the Border Police,” members of the BP’s critically acclaimed Entertainment Unit create a comic whirlwind that, for all its belly-laughs, vividly conveys Israel’s enduring idealism. The performance opens and closes with a madcap tour de force featuring a detained Arab slapping his own face. As he repeatedly recites the show’s Hebrew title, a chorus of effervescent police officers urges him to “Say it!” And say it he does, slyly adding “wahad hummus wahad ful,” to set up a piquant rhyme with “Ama behibak Mishmar Hagvul.” “What better connects us to the Arabs than our shared love of hummus?” asked BP Spokesperson Moshe Pintzi.

Although “I Love the Border Police” is undeniably a link in the same entertainment chain as Yiddish theatre and Vaudeville, it was directly motivated by “Churchill’s blatanly anti-semitic work,” declared Pintzi. “I was outraged by ‘Seven Jewish Children.’ Look what she writes. The Jewish parent is happy the bloody child is Arab, not Jewish. No Jew thinks this way! It’s a blood libel that must be answered!”

The BP High Command quickly turned to C Company, its crack thespian unit, based in Jerusalem. C Company was already workshopping “A Little Poison,” a vibrant homage to diversity in the Old City. “Poison’s central theme – “Let every Arab mother know that the fate of her children is in the hands of C Company in the Old City” – carried just the hopeful message of inter-connectedness that Israeli officians could use to negate the cynicism of “Seven Jewish Children.” “`Poison’ was all about being aware of each other,” explained Yuval, a young border policeman guiding a group of Palestinians through an upbeat rendition of “Ful hummus ful, I love Mishmar Hagvul” in their underwear.

The High Command coaxed Major General David Zur from retirement to expand “Poison” into the full-length production that became “I Love the Border Police.” “We already had a treasure trove of material to start with,” said Zur, referring to archival cellphone footage of skits and blackouts developed by BP veterans. Zur was particularly inspired by the wealth of imagery involving blindfolded Arabs. “It spoke to the Arab’s inability to see our real intentions. They’ve been blindfolded, if you will, by people like Churchill that refuse to see Jews as full human beings.”

Zur began weaving together existing material, such as checkpoint identification rituals (“where we’re trying to know them as neighbors”), with the fresh ideas that spontaneously emerge from the BP’s daily activities. “We get pretty bored sometimes,” said a young policewoman, “so we’re always looking for new ways to get Arabs involved in the entertainment.”

For additional creative input, Gen. Zur consulted with IDF Col. Itai Virob, who recently testified to an Israeli court that “a slap, sometimes a punch to the scruff of the neck or the chest, sometimes a knee jab or strangulation to calm somebody down is reasonable.” Col. Virob readily agreed to lend support to the Border Police project. “I’m all about calming people down. Man, I’ll get you so calm we can pick you up with a sponge,” said Virob. “Itai’s suggestions only deepened our exploration of contemporary Israeli thought,” Zur commented. “He’s very theatrical. You can’t help but like him.”

Indeed, the Israeli public loves “Border Police.” "Some of those Arabs can really carry a tune,” said Avi, a freelance DJ from Bat Yam. “It’s like `A Star is Born,’ with stress positions.” For Rabbi Yitzchak Pindrus of Beit Shemesh, the show is “absolute proof of how soft we’ve become. In what Arab country is a Jew sent on his way with just a song and a little slap?” “`I Love the Border Police’ is about love,” said Rachel, a student visiting Israel from Los Angeles with the Taglit-Birthright program. “My boyfriend should sing it to me. I mean, with `Rachel,’ not `the Border Police.’ And fuck you to Obama.”

“I Love the Border Police” is drawing rave reviews from Arab theatre-goers as well. “If you go with the flow, everybody has a good time,” said Marwan, a Bethlehem shopkeeper. “Now I don’t take it so personally when the Jews humiliate me. It’s just Israel being Israel.” Khaled, a Hamas activist, agrees. “I see ‘Border Police’ as thoroughly genuine. It’s all there on the stage.” For Zahira, a handcuffed Jerusalem resident, “I Love the Border Police” is simply “the feel-good hit of the summer.”

A particularly scholarly perspective comes from the Israeli writer and rectal thermometer, A.B. Yehoshua. “Listen, without defined borders, the Border Police must operate in a context of ambiguity. This produces contradictions, which themselves cannot be scrutinized in isolation. But `Seven Jewish Children' is very dangerous to the Jews. It says we act harshly because of the trauma we ourselves suffered. Must we then view the Palestinians in the context of the trauma we give them? I think one can over-indulge the notion of trauma as applied to the other. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?”

Talk of international awards is already in the air for “I Love the Border Police.” Said President Peres, “a Pulitzer is not out of the question. When you shine a positive light on Israel, you should get the Prize. I did.”

2009-05-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

BIBI KO’S OBAMA

“What an ass-kicking!” gushed Uzi Arad, Binyamin Netanyahu’s chief national security sycophant. “Oy, if it had been a fight they would’ve stopped it. Hey, it was a fight. And nobody stopped it!”

Arad was just one of the Prime Minister’s entourage who exulted after the first face-to-face meeting with the US President. The most difficult task, according to many in the Israeli delegation, was keeping a straight face before the cameras. “Gaza was tougher!” said one advisor, who requested anonymity because he'd wet himself while laughing. “At least they scored a few hits. But this was man against boy.”

The Israeli team basked among their accomplishments, which one insider called “an embarrassment of riches.” Best of all, they said, Mr. Netanyahu had drawn Obama into establishing a half-year deadline for diplomacy with Iran. The message to Iran was clear – Israel will strike in early 2010, and the West and the Arab autocracies will have no choice or inclination but to support Israel against the aggressive Shi’ite renegade.

Bibi also defined the defeat of both Iran and Hamas - along with the Arab world’s recognition of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish state – as preconditions for even the most trivial alteration of the status quo with the Palestinians. Further, his supporters gleefully emphasized, there is no pressure on Israel to actually make any concessions that would remotely approach the Palestinian’s minimum desires. Jerusalem was never even publicly mentioned.

“All the pressure’s on America,” said Uzi Arad. “Not just about Iran. They also have to make the Arabs delete the Pal refugees from their little peace initiative. We’re the State of the Jewish People, my friend. And let’s hear some more ideas about our security. Something new and exciting and regrettably inadequate.”

“Viewed broadly," said academic jive-artist Eran Lerman, “Israel has successfully turned the clock back to pre-Oslo. It’s as if those years and discussions and agreements never happened. We’ve split the West Bank from Gaza, divided the Palestinian leadership among two antagonists, appropriated more land, enveloped East Jerusalem, built a big barrier that contains them but not us and completely mapped out our long-term future without regard to any ambiguous commitment we might have made in the past. Yet all Mr. Obama could come up with was cleaner water for Gaza. Which we correctly treated as premature and trivial.”

Uzi Arad echoed this theme, noting that Obama established no express or implied penalty for any Israeli conduct or omission. “Name one concrete thing we really have to do. We left Obama our to-do list. Where’s his?” When asked if the evacuation of a single West Bank outpost after the Washington meeting came from Obama’s “to-do list,” Arad smiled and shook his head. “That was just good manners. Israel is a gracious nation. And the Jewish People know how to rebuild at the appropriate time.”

Portfolio-Deficient Minister Benny Begin took the point further. “Listen, Bibi put all the onus on the Palestinians. End incitement, ‘educate their children for peace.’ Stop all violence. Then we’ll progress toward something you already have, like local responsibility for law and order in Area A.”

Reached by telephone, the PM himself happily recalled a favorite moment from the Washington encounter. He was particularly delighted with his delivery of the line “we don’t want to govern the Palestinians.” While he simply meant that "Israel wants land without Arabs, I can’t prevent unsophisticated observers from misconstruing my words as suggesting a two-state solution.”

The consensus among Israel’s delegation was that Obama, as a generalist and a part-timer on Middle Eastern issues, was predictably outmaneuvered by a determined and focused specialist with decades of experience in pro-Israeli advocacy. “Obama didn’t get the nuances,” said Ron Dermer, the PM’s policy chief and pool cleaner. “Not like we do. Obama’s got Chrysler and health care and two wars and the banks and all the rest of the music. We just play one song.”

Still, Arad mused, they’d expected more from the new US administration. “I heard somebody ask 'Why wasn't the President better tuned? Who prepares him?' Well, guess what?” said Arad. “We do.”

2009-05-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

BIBI PREPARES FOR OBAMA SHOWDOWN

Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has sequestered himself in a remote location in the Negev Desert as he readies his mind, body and spirit for his May 18 meeting with US President Barak Obama. Sources close to the PM say he’s “completely locked on. You wouldn’t want to be Barry Obama right now.”

Bibi’s preparation has gone through several stages, the sources disclose. Initially, he insisted that every element of his vigorous training be described to Obama, as if he hoped to vanquish the inexperienced US President before they ever met. “You know Bibi. His first instinct is to intimidate his foe,” said Uzi Arad, who was barred from the US until his ironic selection as a liaison to the Obama administration. “Actually, that’s his only instinct. I mean that in a good way.”

To make sure Obama got the message, the PM’s entourage released a video montage of Bibi training beyond human endurance. To the driving beat of “Getting Strong Now,” the PM charges over sand dunes beneath a punishing sun, pummels a side of kashrut beef with his bloodied fists, pops rapid-fire crunches with Minister of Transportation and Road Safety Yisrael Katz sitting on his chest, quenches his thirst from the teats of a lactating Canaan Dog, and (in archival footage) bolts up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, not far from his high school, where he head-butts the Rocky Balboa statue until it passes out. As Bibi exults, the image cross-fades to the top of Masada. Back-lighted by the setting sun, the PM slowly turns to tell the camera “When I say ‘torch Iran,’ you ask ‘how hot?’”

But advisors cautioned Netanyahu that the video might backfire. Trying so hard to appear invincible, they warned, could be interpreted as an over-compensation for weakness. “Without question, Bibi’s greatest fear is weakness,” explained Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. “I don’t mean fear - the man has no fear. I mean he opposes weakness very strongly.”

Netanyahu embraced his advisors’ concern. He zealously cultivated an image of nonchalance, even decadence, to project overweening confidence. He allowed journalists to “accidentally” discover him sunbathing drunk on a floating cushion, watching Beitar Jerusalem on a plasma screen over a swim-up bar. Two days later, a Channel 2 camera “happened” to catch him snorting coke through a 200-shekel note. The PM’s handlers didn’t evict the news crew as Bibi alternately ranted and cajoled. “What was Hussein Obama before they gave him the big desk?” he shouted. “Sarah Palin nailed it, baby - a ‘community organizer.’ Wow. Bet that really toughened him up. Like, gee, I was just an elite Sayeret Matkal commando with dozens of confirmed kills and grievous wounds. Guess I should be shaking in my boots. By the way, if Palin’s in DC, I’m tapping her.” Bibi then excused himself to get a “real Israeli blow job.”

By the following afternoon, the PM had abandoned the relaxed front. “He felt it looked weak,” Uzi Arad explained. “Bibi just doesn’t do weak.” The PM huddled with his advisors that evening and decided to present a picture of statesmanship and gravitas. “You know, the Bibi with glasses,” Arad said. Journalists were permitted to watch the PM from a respectful distance as he gazed thoughtfully at the Eternal Land of Israel, knelt at the bedside of the comatose (yet erect) Ariel Sharon, pretended to listen to a rabbi construing a minor tractate, studied an official report entitled “The Iranian Plan to Dominate the World,” and somberly inscribed his name on what may or may not have been a nuclear warhead at Dimona.

“It looked great, but we knew it wasn’t right. He was just campaigning again,” said attorney and enabler Yitzhak Molcho. “Listen, Bibi loves campaigning, because he’s getting over on a whole lot of people. But this Obama thing is about the deal. Make the killer deal, screw the other guy, make him your frayer.

Netanyahu immediately refocused. The key, he told his advisors, is to completely control the terms of the negotiation. In a discourse recorded by think-tank shill Eran Lerman, Bibi declared, “We’ll only talk about my deal. His deal’s already dead. My deal – the deal - is busting Iran. That’s it. No Jerusalem, no Golan, no settlement limits, no cockamamie Palestinian Hamastan. Not happening.”

The PM emphasized, however, that vanquishing Iran would hardly be his starting position. “Hell no. First I demand everything and anything until his head hurts. Full recognition as the State of the Jewish People. More military aid to us. More military purchases from us. Most favored nation among most favored nations. More guarantees. Fewer questions. Zero Arab return.”

Mr. Netanyahu then conducted a mock negotiation, with Vice Prime Minister and unctuous back-stabber Silvan Shalom standing in for Obama. Shalom attempted to discuss issues as broad as the framework for Palestinian statehood and as narrow as removing certain roadblocks in the West Bank. Bibi rebuffed them all, with a combination of outrage, bemusement and outright derision. On several occasions, he simply upped the ante - insisting, for example, on prior approval of American contacts with Arab countries and 5% of US GDP for settlement expansion. “That teaches Obama that opening his mouth only makes it worse,“ Shalom explained.

“I just hope he’s not over-preparing,” remarked Naor Gilon, espionage gamester and chief of staff for Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman. “Listen, all he needs is one word – 'no.' We own the status quo. We’ll do Iran ourselves. And everyone’ll smile when we do. So what else is new?”

2009-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

PRO-ISRAEL SALES VIDEO UNCOVERED

A “motivational sales video” obtained by Circus Israel reveals that the combined success of pro-Zionist lobbying and Israeli hasbara is no accident. Although copies of the DVD were apparently distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, the video “Guide to Effective Advocacy for Israel” was unknown to a larger audience until accidentally discovered by a prostitute at a recent AIPAC policy conference. The Guide is narrated by the American actor Alec Baldwin. Speculation that the text was authored by the writer and sensitively virile Jewish warrior David Mamet could not be confirmed, despite repeated waterboarding. Mr. Mamet’s will was simply too strong.

In the video, Mr. Baldwin appears to be in a shabby sales office on a rainy evening, perhaps to symbolize the existential danger that lurks just beyond the camera. Mr. Baldwin says:

“Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…your big beautiful sign. At the synagogue. ‘We Stand With Israel.’ Stand? Who gives a shit where you stand? Huh? Gravestones stand. That your plan for the Jewish People? Extinction? So what’s new? DO something, you fucking mamzer. Act! Or get the hell out. Jimmy Carter’s speaking in your town? Act, you pussy. Ruin him. Break his lease, shut that cracker up, stuff him in a sewer, flail him like a camel. (Whining) ‘But he’s a president.’ Fuck you. He’s what WE say he is. A desiccated, Jew-hating, redneck whack job. Nothing more, nothing less. Because WE said so. Because YOU said so. Or did you bother? Get your sorry ass outta the sitzbath and slime that anti-semitic hillbilly to high heaven right now. Or get the fuck out. Turn in your book, take a hike. We don’t need you.

I'm gonna ask you something. Is there an Arab still teaching at a university within a hundred kilometers of you? Why is that? Huh? What the fuck have you been doing? That cocksucking towel-head spews his blood libel on the State of the Jewish People and you’re too busy? You schlemiel. Act! Take a goddamn meeting with the college chancellor. Hitler was a chancellor. Oh, yeah. How quickly we forget. Talk to that faggot in the language he understands. The mother-tongue of endowment. Grab his grill till he’s staring you right in the eyes and tell him he won’t – repeat, will not - see dollar one if that A-rab hairball gets tenure. This ain’t rocket science, people. We got the little judenrats like Finkelstein and Kovel, we can get Khalidi and Massad and all the other little catfish.

I know exactly what you’re thinking. Who the hell does he think he is? To talk to me like this, a card-carrying member of the AJC? Well hoo-fucking-ray. Who ain’t? If that’s all you got, leave. Turn in your book, marry a goy, take your kids to the church up the street. 'Cause if you didn’t win one today, we lost. 17 million of us, billions of them. They win just by waking up. Beat ‘em back or they beat you down. Every day. So don’t show me your membership cards or your cancelled checks. Show me your teethmarks on an anti-semite’s throat or get the fuck out. And for your information, I’m the guy that got Charles Freeman. I’m the guy that made that evangelical cunt Stephen Harper boycott Durban and throw George Galloway out on his ass. I’m the guy that got us three long, strong weeks to pound Gaza to hummus. What’d YOU do today, you self-hating crybaby?

What? You’re sniveling about what exactly? The leads? Not strong enough? You’re not strong enough! We gave you killer leads. How inept can you be? Terror! Who can’t sell terror? Get outta the way, sells itself. Osama motherfucking bin Laden. (Simpering) 'Oh, can’t sell that anymore, need new leads.' Mahmoud Ahmadenijad! A fucking gift from God. Old Faithful. Every five minutes, another Jew-hating fart. Anyone can’t sell Mahmoud is a total deadbeat loser. You don’t deserve a Jewish state. Go fish. How do I get through to you people? Huh? You got product. You got leads. Sell. Terror, terror, Islamofascism, terror, Holocaust, terror, anti-semitism, terror, security, terror, civilized values, terror, terror, terror. Sold. Israel forever, river to the sea.

(Walks to a chalkboard) ABC. A-always. B-be. C-condemning. Always be condemning. Always. Not when you fucking feel up to it. Not on Thursday night after a good bowel movement. Always. Be. Condemning. Not chiding. Not criticizing. Condemning! Smearing Israel is a pogrom. Smearing Israel is extermination. Do we critique extermination? Do we remonstrate? No, we condemn! ABC! Desmond Tutu trash-talks Israel. Condemn. Caryl Churchill scrawls a run-on sentence. Condemn. Jerry Adams swabs Guinness off his beard, says ‘Palestine.’ Condemn! Like a gever. Or turn in your book, go pray to Mecca with the rest of the traife.

Listen, every day is doomsday in the Land of Israel. Comes with the territory. The ground belongs to us, or Ali takes it away. That’s it. Gonna fight for it? Gonna mensch up? (Mocking, weak) ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my daughter’ll make aliyah.’ Fuck you. Stay home, make aliyah in your pants. Israel needs you right where you are, kicking ass, naming names, mowing the lawn. I don’t give a shit how tiny that anti-Israel weed looks to you. Mow it! If it might be, could be, may be, bad for Israel, mow it! Mow first, don’t bother asking questions later. John Stewart. Is he just fucking around? Can’t tell? Mow him. Mow that sonofabitch while he’s still smiling. Know what it takes to mow weeds for Israel? (Taking metal balls on a string from his pocket) Big brass ones. Got any? Well, hustle over to Just Brass Balls and get a pair. ‘Cause you gotta mow Mearsheimer. And Walt. And Ronnie Kasrils and Kathy Kelly and Ali Abunimah and John Ging and that whole dungheap at UNRWA. And ol’ George Mitchell and the poofter Tony Blair if they EVER forget who sent them. Capiche? Savvy? Versteht? Act! Act now. Act always, you equivocating sack of shit. ‘Cause Israel doesn’t need part-timers or weak sisters or nervous nellies or any other variety of self-flagellating semi-Jew in this game-that-ain’t-no-game. Sell the enlightened, outnumbered, yearning-for-peace Jewish State and mow those anti-semitic weeds! Or turn in your book and walk to the ovens. Now haul ass.”

2009-04-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

A MESSAGE FROM THE IRS ABOUT CIRCUS ISRAEL

Dear Taxpayer:

It’s tax time again in the United States of America. As we gratefully pay our annual dues to Circus Israel, our staunchest ally and colonial subcontractor, here’s WHAT’S NEW IN 2008:

CAST LEAD SURCHARGE – Regrettably, Israel was unable to bend Gaza to its will by withholding life’s essentials. It became necessary to expend essential military resources in the defensive operation known as Cast Lead, which Israel survived against all odds. Naturally, these resources must be replaced by the United States. A surcharge of .01542% of adjusted gross income will be added to each taxpayer’s return on Line 58a of Form 1040.

GAZA RECOVERY – America is committed to full restoration of the Gaza Strip to its pre-invasion status as a forlorn purgatory. If Israel had to bear this financial burden itself, it would be discouraged from inflicting sufficient destruction during future invasions to maintain deterrence. Accordingly, a Gaza Recovery Factor of .008793% of adjusted gross income will be added on Line 58b of Form 1040. This Factor may be quadrupled in tax year 2009 if Israel allows the Palestinians to use cement. Deductions for direct donations of expired medicines, dubious lunch meat or abstinence pamphlets must be claimed on Form GR, which will become available after every Palestinian sincerely recognizes Israel with a full and joyous heart.

WEST BANK STIMULUS PLAN – Ultra-masculine Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has proposed rapid development of the Palestinian economy. In order to find a Palestinian economy, painstaking research will be conducted. If an economy can be found or invented among the captive and disconnected townships allotted for Palestinian subsistence, stimulus funding will be necessary. Since any resulting economic activity would compete with Israeli enterprises, compensation for lost Israeli revenue must be provided. The West Bank Stimulus Plan will therefore reduce the value of each personal exemption on Line 6d by a nickel.

ISRAELI RESTRAINT RIDER – The United States has publicly discouraged Israel from striking Iran’s nuclear facilities. By accepting this restraint on its capacity to project strength across the borders of other nations, Israel has spared America the enormous expense of underwriting yet another war with an Islamic country. Yet those savings have cost Israel dearly – by risking Israel’s regional nuclear monopoly, by diminishing its international reputation as an implacable psychopath, and by implicitly suggesting that its existential fears can be tempered by rational discourse. As compensation, an Israeli Restraint Rider of 1.5% will be added to the total tax reported on Line 61 of Form 1040, and Hezbollah will get teed up like a Sudanese refugee truck.

2-STATE CHECK-OFF – It’s not easy to sustain the illusive “carrot” of a Palestinian state in the distant tomorrow. Ambiguous diplomatic gestures, along with camouflage for settlement expansion and Arab dispossession, require constant calibration. The cost of these vital activities will soar under the Netanyahu administration, as it tirelessly sidesteps explicit contradictions. Americans can voluntarily support these efforts through the 2-State Check-Off, located at the top of Form 1040, which allocates $3 per taxpayer to the “peace process,” the “Roadmap” or “two states living side-by-side, like a gentlemen and his towel.” Yes, checking this box will change your tax or refund.

FOREIGN TAX CREDIT. The Foreign Tax Credit on Line 47 of Form 1040 is now unlimited for dual Israeli-American citizens, provided that at least 25% of such taxes are spent by Israel on US goods, such as un-manned drones or un-droned men. American citizens with Palestinian “passports” cannot claim the credit for taxes paid in Palestine. Palestine is not a state.

HIDDEN TAX – Certain operations and arrangements with Israel (and occasionally Egypt) are frankly none of your business. Nevertheless, President Obama has mandated general disclosure of the Hidden Tax, since there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Listen, don’t tie up our Help Line with a bunch of questions. We can’t track the money either. All we know is that everybody's serious.

“Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.”

Commissioner Douglas “Doug” Shulman (quoting Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes).

2009-03-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

BIBI SMELLS SEXY IN CIRCUS ISRAEL

“Bibi,” the signature scent of Prime Minister-designate Binyamin Netanyahu, was named “Israel’s Sexiest Scent” by an overwhelming majority of respondents in a survey by the Maagar Mohot Survey Institute. Bibi triumphed in almost every demographic segment identified by Prof. Yitzhak Katz, who conducted the survey. The only exceptions were Israelis of Russian origin, who preferred Avigdor Lieberman’s “Pogrom,” and ultra-orthodox Israelis, who called the survey “an abomination.”

Many respondents described the scent of Bibi as virtually impossible to resist. Women have been impregnated by inhaling its potent vapors, and Arabs have spontaneously confessed their terrorist fantasies. Bibi’s popularity has also benefited from an ad campaign emphasizing Netanyahu’s undeniable virility – “A scent as intense as his gaze, as commanding as his voice.” Said researcher Katz, “It’s pretty overpowering. I try to stay neutral, but one whiff and I wanted him to ravage me, too.”

Despite Kadima’s first-place showing in the recent national elections, Tzipi Livni’s “Tough Love” was described as “tepid,” “vacillating” and “like a sister.” Rabbi Ovadia Josef’s familiar Shas aroma, “Dandruff,” clearly suffered from the ultra-orthodox rejection of the survey. Researchers surmised that ultra-orthodox respondents were warily protecting the holiness of their favored fragrance, which they spritz freely during mikva’ot. Secular Israelis simply dismissed Dandruff as “like an old man’s mouth” and “icky.”

Perhaps the most surprising result of the survey was the disinterested reaction to Ehud Barak’s “Cast Lead.” “It’s undetectable,” said one respondent. “I know he’s got a lot of medals, but I just couldn’t smell them.” Another respondent agreed. “Sure, he pulverized Gaza, but he was probably wearing Bibi the whole time.”

"Netanyahu’s scent just says ‘implacable strength' to most Israeli Jews,” commented Prof. Katz. “It’s the smell of a man-beast. A primal warrior-king who knows how to run a massacre.”

Commenting on the decisive endorsement of his fragrance, Netanyahu said, “It’s nothing new. I’ll tell you my secret, since you can’t copy it anyway. It’s the smell of my fingertips.”

Runner-up Avigdor Lieberman of the Yisrael Beiteinu Party reacted to the survey results with contempt. “I know what people like in their noses. You watch – even Bibi’ll smell like me in six months.”

2009-02-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

NEW MAGAZINE HONORS ISRAELI FIGHTERS (ADVERTISEMENT)

*** JEWISH WARRIOR MAGAZINE *** PREMIERE ISSUE!

You got our groove back, baby!

In the fighting spirit of the US Army at My Lai, the Serbian Army at Srebenica, the Soviet Army at Katyn Forest, and the German Einsatzgruppen at Babi Yar, you faced down an implacable foe and insurmountable odds in Gaza. And you kicked ass and took names (names like Mohammed)!!

Now kick back and read all about it!! In JEWISH WARRIOR magazine!!

Hey, soldier, I’m Col. Ofer Gadseik, just retired from the IDF. I was in Gaza with you, gever. In the meat-grinder. Fighting Achmed in hell and fighting our way out. And now it’s all on glossy, top-quality paper, in my new 'zine, JEWISH WARRIOR!

JEWISH WARRIOR pulls no punches, comrades, because You Can Handle the Truth! Check out these features –

COMBAT POV – interviews with the men and women who fought Mahmoud toe-to-toe.

Avi (the pilot): “I kept reminding myself that I had a job to do. Ignore the infinitesimal possibility of a raging snow storm or a magical Arabian flying carpet or a flock of California Condors getting sucked into my jet engines. Drop my bombs and get home…”

Shlomo (the tank officer): “I couldn’t see shit! There’s white phosphorus everywhere and buildings crashing down and I couldn’t tell if my barrage on the school was proportional! Listen, the burden of being the world’s most moral army is almost unbearable…”

Baruch (the naval artilleryman): “Finally the navy got some action. Seizing medical supplies and busting fishermen was getting really old. Our guns were rockin’ for a change. It was ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ out here.”

WORLD SOLDIER – Praise from warriors around the globe.

Sgt. Dick Stuart, US Marine Corps: “Man, I was on Grenada in “83 and I know just what you guys went through. Enemy goes and hides in a hole. Civilians bitching about everything you’re doing to help them. Lucky you dudes didn’t have Cuban engineers coming at you. Those motherfuckers could really light it up…”

Maj. Omer Baabas, Janjaweed Militia, Darfur, Sudan: “What are you supposed to do? Make sure both sides have just the same number of fighters, just the same kind of weapons, just the same chance to survive? All this political correctness…”

Capt. Nikolai Kozlov, Soviet 62nd Army, 1942-44, age 88: “I was in battle of Stalingrad, 6 months. My foot is blown off and I am made deaf. But when I see what you face in Gaza Strip, I am sick to my stomach and cry like a little girl…”

John Bolton, former UN Ambassador and Maryland National Guard (Vietnam era): “Nothing like it in the history of warfare. Certainly not since Thermopylae, where 300 chiseled Spartans gallantly resisted the Iranians. God I wish I could’ve been there with you…”

R & R HAVENS

Are you a tad edgy or a little shvizoot? Who wouldn’t be, after what you went through? That was war, bro. We lost some of our own. Even if it was friendly fire, we still lost ‘em. It hurts. So JEWISH WARRIOR checks out the best spots to get your zoola on.

In our premiere issue - – India beckons! Everybody’s favorite is better than ever! And since they buy Israeli weaponry big time, let’s say thanks while we cool out. It’s win-win! JEWISH WARRIOR tells you where to hallucinate and where to find the sweetest kama sutra. And after Mumbai, they just might let you punk a Moslem while you’re on holiday!

STICK-ON DECORATIONS

JEWISH WARRIOR knows every one of you deserves a chest full of medals. So JEWISH WARRIOR has 6 full pages of colorful peel-off decals featuring medals, ribbons and pins from the Gaza Campaign! Paste ‘em on your TAR-21, your mobile phone, your phylacteries!! Wear ‘em with pride, soldiers! You earned ‘em, you magnificent bastards!

REUNIONS

JEWISH WARRIOR is your reunion HQ. It’s been over a month since the Big One. Time to look back. To reminisce. To catch up with the brothers that made it back, picked up the pieces and went on with their lives. JEWISH WARRIOR hooks you up, with our interactive Reunion Finder, available online to our subscribers. Find your Golanchkim. Reconnect with your S'galgal. Remember those Arabs dropping their pants?? We gotta talk!!

LITERARY SOLDIER

Check our website - Former Chief of Staff Gen. Dan Halutz reads customized passages from Shakespeare’s Henry V (“…And Hanukkah shall ne’er go by, from this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered – we few, we happy few, we band of brothers…”). The Bard was talking about us, achi.

BAR REFAELI

Uncensored pix of Bar Refaeli in a thong, disarming a landmine. That sweat is real, dudes!

JEWISH WARRIOR magazine. Get it by mail. Get it online. Just get it!!

2009-02-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL'S GAZA HOMICIDE INVESTIGATION BUNGLED

Law enforcement officials in Circus Israel conceded today that their investigation of the alleged homicide of the Gaza Strip may have been irrevocably compromised. After news reports suggested that Israel’s armed forces fatally assaulted the Strip in December and January, a task force of Israeli detectives was dispatched to the alleged crime scene. Seasoned investigators from the IDF and the Shin Bet intelligence agency purportedly discovered a decomposing Bantustan lying near the Mediterranean Sea. They carefully drew a white outline around the territory and sealed it off with yellow tape that clearly announced “Crime Scene – Do Not Enter”

Then things began to unravel. Unknown persons, apparently Arabs, disregarded the taped barrier and passed heedlessly through the crime scene, running in packs or skidding around in ambulances. According to detectives, crucial evidence of any wrongdoing was adulterated, moved or looted. Consequently, apprehension and prosecution of perpetrators, if any, is highly unlikely.

“We’re very frustrated,” said task force spokesperson Maj. Avital Leibovich. “Nothing means more to Israel than putting thugs behind bars, especially if they were Jewish and used phosphorus to cover their tracks. Now we’ll never know what really happened. I blame Hamas for trashing our investigation.”

Avi Dichter, Israel's lame duck Minister of Public Security, demanded an aggressive Israeli investigation of Hamas’ interference with the Israeli investigation. “Something must be done. No nation would permit this obstruction, which places Israel in grave danger of not capturing the guilty parties, if any.”

However, Israeli Defense Minister and electoral flop Ehud Barak downplayed the importance of the investigation itself. “Don’t throw around words like homicide. Maybe the Gaza Strip just got sick or didn’t eat enough. Maybe Jimmy Carter hit them.”

Mahmoud Abbas, sleepy Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority, murmured that whatever government is formed after the recent Israeli elections should “let bygones be bygones” and discuss a 2-state solution with him until he finishes decomposing.

2009-01-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

DELIRIUM - CIRCUS ISRAEL AS CANCER

Our claim that we just want to live in peace and quiet with our neighbors is a cynical deception. What we mean is we want the land we want, all to ourselves, and we want the Arabs to accept that peacefully and quietly, then go away.

That Palestinian rocket attacks were intolerable is a lie. They kept our anger and mistrust at a low boil, making military escalation cathartic and land concessions impossible.

We have nothing to offer the Palestinians. If we cannot drive them away, we will never allow them to constitute a state worthy of the name. We'll herd them into urban pens in the cities where they're already numerous. And we'll control everything they do and attack them when they act out, as we're doing in Gaza.

We say we gave them Gaza and they bit us. We gave them nothing. We dumped them in Gaza to empty better land in Palestine. When only 8000 Jewish civilians would live in the strip to justify our garrisons, we pulled them out to create a free-fire zone and deny responsibility as an occupier. We rejected the Arab’s election, imprisoned their parliamentarians, broke their unity government, raided them at will and, best of all, besieged them into misery.

We're inflating our national pride by smashing a tiny and impoverished dependency with no army, navy air force or anti-aircraft. We're tormenting them and butchering them, like mice in a box, then praising our courage. We've turned Masada upside down. We are cowards, in perpetual search of a victim.

We are always afraid. We see nothing but our past. We loathe everyone. We're toxic. We can no longer care for ourselves.

2008-12-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

GAZA, OR THE JEWS OF 5769

This is the climax. Six millenia of collective experience and wisdom and ritual have brought us to this. We are the storm of death. From atop our exquisite mountain of ultimate weaponry, we decide and we destroy. We are the Jews of 5769.

Spread-legged beneath us are the others. They can’t stop us. And no one will intervene. We will shit and shit and cum and cum and piss and piss and set them on fire. We will devise their agony as it pleases us. We are the Jews of 5769.

They make us do this. Such paradox. They spit from their cage and cause our anxiety. We’re mighty beyond their imagination, but never secure. They absorb our daily torment and make us watch their tricks. Make us scheme and posture and deprive them, until it can’t be borne a moment longer and we lull them with a nearly open hand that quickly clenches and explodes their prideful faces. We are the Jews of 5769!

There is no other twist to our saga because we don’t want one. We want this. This orgy. We waited centuries for this absolute dominion, we seized it when the world pitied us, we sucked it into our hearts. Sweet divine addiction! To the throat of the other as our blade opens their skin. To the release of the will. We are the Jews of 5769.

2008-12-14T11:56:00.001-08:00

SETTLERS, KLAN, TALK ABOUT HOODS

In Kiryat Arba, a loose coalition of settler cults recently hosted a visiting delegation from the Ku Klux Klan, the American white supremacist organization. The settlers and Klansmen prayed at the recently evacuated House of Contention in Hebron, then went behind closed doors for private discussions and a vigilante fashion show. “We gabbed a lot about hoods,” laughed fruitcake Daniella Weiss, the former mayor of the Kedumim settlement. “The Klan has a beautiful tradition with hoods. Very classy. But, listen, Jewish hoods are improving every day.” Still, Weiss added, she wouldn’t wear a hood when exhorting Hilltop Youth to gang up on an Arab. “I love the camera too much.”

Rob Thomas, who identified himself as the official Kludd (chaplain) of the Imperial Klans of America, called the settlers’ enthusiasm for Klan hoods gratifying. But he emphasized that a hood is only one element of an effective uniform. “It ain’t just about hiding your face,” he said. “A good hood works together with a slick robe to communicate superiority and dominance. The Jews got a long way to go yet.”

Both the settlers and Klansmen agreed they had to overcome entrenched prejudices before coming together in Eretz Israel. According to settler spokesperson David Wilder, the Klan’s history of Jew-hating seemed daunting, “until we realized they’re just Christian Zionists in ceremonial costumes.” The Klansmen, in turn, were troubled by their perception of Jews as money-grubbing bloodsuckers. “But we could see they’re just as interested in stomping camel jockeys and fags as we are. Hell, more. Besides, they paid for the plane tickets and gave us some walking-around money over here.”

After their formal meetings and a potluck buffet of falafel and horse meat, settlers and Klansmen roamed the Judean Hills looking for Arabs to bully. The Klansmen initially seemed apprehensive about the presence of Israeli police and IDF troops – because, Rob Thomas complained, “the cops always side with the niggers.” But after reassurance from the settlers that Israeli forces will protect, and occasionally join, anti-Arab activities, the visitors readily joined the settlers’ pogrom.

“These guys’re great!” gushed Yisrael, a Hilltop Youth. “They really get into it, like righteous Jews. And they showed me how to drag someone behind a jeep.”

The Klansmen presented the settlers with a Confederate flag, then departed Judea with a tallit sanctified by the settlers’ own tears. “We all agree about Chosen People,” said Thomas. “We just disagree about who got chosen.”

2008-11-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

THE BIGGEST BABIES IN THE WORLD

Circus Israel is proud to announce that “The Settler’s Blessing” is now available on DVD. From Kiryat Arba, just a stone’s throw from Hebron, the City of the Patriarchs, comes the beloved text, piously recited by esteemed Rabbi Dov Lior. Standing amid the ruins of the Chazon David Synagogue, surrounded by an in-gathering of devout congregants, Rabbi Lior intones for righteous Jews wherever they may temporarily be. No birth, funeral, assault or bowel movement should begin without “The Settler’s Blessing.” From the inspirational text…

"We are the Chosen People of the Chosen People!!! We do what we want!! Where we want!! To anyone we want!! We are enraged!! We are rage!! Our rage is boundless!! Our rage is blessed!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

Submit!!! Or we’ll make you pay! Submit!!! We are instantly hysterical! We throw and cry and scream and kick and shit on the floor!! We are rage!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

We slap soldiers! We spit on peaceniks!! We stone ambulances!! We shoot Arabs!!! Nobody dares obstruct us!! We are the victims!! Always the victims!! We are dying!! And even if we aren’t, it feels like it!! Dying feels like rage!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

We listen only to God!! He speaks only to us!! He says only what we say he says!! He hates you because we hate you!! We own him!! All of Him!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

We love the land!!! The land makes us free!! To smash!! And grab!! And loot!! And lynch!! For the land!!! We wouldn’t be anywhere else!!! Only this land nourishes our fury!!! Only this land lets us puke out our hate!!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

Shut up!! If you aren’t one of us, shut up!! Your words are filth!! You enrage us!! Speak!! Speak!! Unleash our rage!!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

Baruch Goldstein is our hero!! He expelled 29 Arabs from our land!! The Arabs killed us in ’29!! We are the victims!! Goldstein was divine justice!! Blood!! Blood!!!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!

Our narcissism is pure!! Holy!! Blessed!! Our narcissism is self-sacrifice!! Yet we do only what we want!!! That is our self-sacrifice!! That is our self-congratulation!!! We are the biggest babies in the world!!”

To purchase your copy of “The Settler’s Blessing,” send the equivalent of NIS 3335 in hard currency, plus a generous additional stipend for our self-sacrifice in defense of Eretz Israel. Simply address your remittance to The Biggest Babies in the World. Blessed be They who enable us.

2008-11-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

QUICK TAKES UNDER THE CIRCUS ISRAEL BIG-TOP

Rahm Emanuel, Barack Obama’s new Chief of Staff, told Israel’s Channel 2 today that he would closely monitor the American President-Elect’s conduct toward Israel. “I take no chances when it comes to Israel’s security,” Emmanuel said. “I’m not saying he’s a Muslim extremist, but I can’t rule it out. He better behave himself.” Emanuel warned that he reserves all military options and would not hesitate to strike Obama’s living quarters if reliable intelligence suggested anti-Israeli terror was imminent.

Current Defense Minister, former Prime Minister, exquisitely decorated warrior and relentless masturbator Ehud Barak declared that Israel had effectively reduced the nation’s carbon footprint by withholding fuel for Gaza’s only electric power plant. “Everyone has to sacrifice if we’re going to reduce global warming,” said Barak. “They burn diesel in Gaza like there’s no tomorrow.” Barak added that he’ll request a carbon credit from the European Climate Exchange each time Israel squeezes Gaza’s power supply. The diaspora-based Green Zionist Alliance called Barak’s eco-awareness “the best thing since the World Zionist Congress switched to recycled paper.” However, world-class physician, Knesset member and frenzied masturbator Aryeh Eldad labeled Barak a “judenrat” for partially restoring Gaza’s fuel supply. “Israel’s carbon footprint belongs on an Arab’s neck,” he said.

As Israelis ponder the impact of Barak Obama’s impending presidency on the Jewish State, Israeli Finance Minister Ronny Bar-On proposed concrete measures for assuring a continued flow of American financial aid. “We’ll become a hedge fund or an automaker, whatever it takes. The point is, we’re too big to fail. Or too Jewish.”

Philanthropist Yardena Ovadia’s reknowned “Second Chance” program for despotic crackpots has successfully brokered the sale of $100-million in military hardware and training to President-For-As-Long-As-He-Wants Teodoro Obiang of Equatorial Guinea. Through Second Chance, Ovadia has reached out to scorned strongmen around the world, providing fresh firepower and the opportunity to use it responsibly. In the case of Obiang, Ovadia said, the “scared little boy inside” simply needed a demonstration of trust from a mature arms dealer. “The president loves Israel, but Israel doesn’t return that love.” From the sale of crowd control equipment to Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe to the arming of Mikheil Saakashvili’s Republic of Georgia, Second Chance has repeatedly stepped into the “love void” Ovadia decries. Second Chance has earned the support of scores of Israeli military officers, who have contributed their own time and expertise to deal directly with regimes in need of nurture. Remarked one retired general, “when you see the smile on a dictator’s face as he uncrates a new shoulder-fired missile launcher, it makes it all worth the effort.”

2008-10-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

LIEBERMAN, OJ INK PACT

Avigdor Lieberman, head of the Yisrael Beiteinu Party, and OJ Simpson, the former American football star, announced they have signed a formal agreement to “advance mutual interests in Israel and the United States.” The two symbolically shook hands through a video hook-up between Simpson’s jail cell in Las Vegas, Nevada and a bar in the riot-torn Israeli city of Acre, where Lieberman is working temporarily as a bouncer.

“Juice brings a very special energy to the table,” Lieberman said. “If somebody has what belongs to him, he goes after it. That’s it. No fucking around. Just what the Jewish People need.” Lieberman explained that OJ would provide motivational speaking services via the internet until pressure from right-wing Jews and Christian Zionists secured his release. Simpson would also grant Yisrael Beiteinu a license to sell OJ bobbleheads in the familiar combat garb of the Hilltop Youth or the righteous black of ultra-orthodox yeshiva boys.

Simpson himself wore a yamulka and jewel-encrusted Star of David as he flashed the irrepressible smile that has illuminated his life on the world stage. “Shalom and peace to all my friends in Israel,” he enthused. “And bin Laden, you best not let me get my hands on you.” OJ stood for the camera when Lieberman noted that his jail-issue jumpsuit featured the same vivid orange of the settlers’ movement to redeem the Land of Israel.

Asked what he expected from his partnership with Lieberman, Simpson said “anything they can do for my sentencing judge would be appreciated.” Insisting on his innocence, despite his recent kidnapping conviction, OJ conceded that he’s “kind of jammed-up right now.” He added that Lieberman’s organization “understands that somebody’s trying to keep me down, just like the Jews. ‘Dor gets it, man.”

Lieberman and Simpson first met three years ago at the annual Compulsive Attention Seekers’ Happening in Miami Beach. Lieberman was immediately impressed by Simpson’s shameless posturing. “I’m telling you, OJ’s a world class camera magnet. It’s in his blood. We hit it off right away.”

Simpson found Lieberman equally compelling. “‘Dor’s just an amazing publicity hound, man. It’s like he’s not even trying. You can’t coach that. That’s pure God-given talent.”

Lieberman brushed aside questions about the civil verdict against Simpson for the death of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman. “Listen, Nicole wasn’t even Jewish, so what’s it got to do with Arab pogroms in Acre? You can’t compare a family quarrel this with terror. This’s outrageous.” For his part, Simpson assured Jews that nothing he may or may not have done was motivated by anti-semitism. “It wasn’t like that. If I did Ron Goldman, it wasn’t because he was Jewish. The dude was drilling my woman.”

Lieberman indicated he would bring OJ Simpson to Acre if he were released. “You want buzz? I’m telling you, two sleaze-balls like us, we’d light this town up like an Iraqi oil well. Even the Arabs’d want our autographs before they go live in Jordan or whatever.”

As Lieberman terminated the conversation to exchange currency and un-labeled beverages with a group of Russian-speaking men, Simpson flashed a peace sign. “Florida’s got the oranges, but Jerusalem’s got the Juice!” he gushed.

2008-09-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL RE-DEFINES ANTI-SEMITISM, OTHER KEY TERMS

In 2005, the European Monitoring Centre on Racism and Xenophobia (now, the European Agency for Fundamental Rights) developed the following “working definition” of anti-semitism:

"Anti-semitism is a certain perception of the Jews, which may be expressed as hatred toward Jews. Rhetorical and physical manifestations of anti-semitism are directed toward Jewish or non-Jewish individuals and/or their property, toward Jewish community institutions and religious facilities.”

Examples of manifestations of anti-semitism include “denying the Jewish people their right to self-determination.”

Despite their laudable intentions, the definition and accompanying examples are incomplete and incompatible with prevailing conditions. Important terms are undefined, and other terms that would provide necessary context are missing. As the New Year approaches, the well-being of the Jewish People requires articulation of the additional principles and definitions appearing below.

PEOPLE - “People” shall be classified according to ethno-religious identity. No other classification, whether based on physical characteristics, anthropological evidence and/or historical patterns shall be recognized. Common or universal attributes shall be disregarded. People shall be classified as Jewish People or non-Jewish People. People (if any) existing before the magical emergence of the Jewish People 5768 years ago need not be classified, and shall not be considered, when determining contemporary rights to land or physical resources in the Middle East (see “self-determination,” below). People who need people are not the luckiest people in the world.

ISRAEL – “Israel” is the nation-state of indeterminate boundaries established by and for the Jewish People as an expression of their self-determination. Non-Jewish People may temporarily visit Israel as a theme park, but should not hang around like they belong here.

ANTI-SEMITISM (ADDITIONAL EXAMPLES) – “Anti-Semitism” includes the application of universal values and international norms to the Jewish People in Israel. Anti-Semitism also includes the characterization of the conscious or unconscious motivations of non-Jewish People, in their relations with the Jewish People, as other than anti-semitic. The predicted End-of-Days destruction of the Jewish People, as espoused by Christian Zionists, shall not constitute anti-semitism.

SELF-DETERMINATION – “Self-determination” is the right of the Jewish People to establish a nation-state on Middle-Eastern land principally inhabited by non-Jewish People during or before 1948. The boundaries of such a nation-state shall be established by the Jewish People in the places and at the times determined by the Jewish People, when and as the Jewish People get around to it. Within the region known as Greater Israel (as defined by the Jewish People), no right to self-determination shall accrue to non-Jewish People unless and until the right of the Jewish People to self-determination shall be expressly forfeited with respect to specific land by the Jewish People (i.e., the Jewish Right of First Refusal). With respect to the land known as Greater Jerusalem (as defined by the Jewish People), no right to self-determination shall accrue to non-Jewish People at any time, even if, God forbid, some soft-in-the-head Israeli governmental entity should purport to forfeit the superior claim of the Jewish People to any such land (even an inch).

The right of the Jewish People to self-determination shall include the right to prevent non-Jewish People from spoiling that right by residing among the Jewish People (with such temporary exceptions as the Jewish People, in their sole discretion, shall permit for shabbes goyim and manual laborers).

No right to self-determination shall accrue to the self-described “Palestinian people” within the region known as Greater Israel (as defined by the Jewish People) unless and until the realm known to non-Jewish People as Hell “freezes over.”

2008-09-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

WAR CONCLUDES CIRCUS ISRAEL’S COUP D’ETAT PARABLE

Loathing and ambition plunged screeching from above.
War melted cheek
and shard ripped irreplaceable self.

Now this parable ends,
perhaps to revive as history.
Time to
wake
the fuck
up.

2008-09-18T21:40:00.001-07:00

DOG SAYS FEDERMAN DEMANDED ANSWERS

During an acrimonious meeting of Yisrael’s security cabinet, PM Noam Federman insisted on clear answers and swift results from his military commanders, according to a dog present at the meeting. In an exclusive interview with Circus Israel, Zion, a pure-breed Canaan Dog, described the often bitter exchanges among the PM, Chief of Staff Effi Eitam, Acting Defense Minister Shmuel Ben-Yishai, Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe, Rabbi David Dudkevitch, Rabbi Yosef Dayan and General Yitzhak “Haki” Harel. As a result of the meeting, Zion said, the multi-pronged assault - dubbed by Federman “the 5-Day War” even before it began - will accelerate dramatically.

Although Zion occasionally napped under a table, he claims that his waking memories are precise “because they came with a smell.” Excerpts from a transcript of Zion’s report appear below. (NOTE to ultra-orthodox readers: Zion the talking dog is a “literary device.”)

FEDERMAN: (to EITAM) Where’s the attack? Nothing’s happening. What’re you waiting for?

EITAM: What am I waiting for?! A ground war with 3 nations and Gaza, an air war with Iran, maybe I should have some PLANS!!!

FEDERMAN: I gave you plans! Attack our enemies and redeem our land!

EITAM: That’s not so simple SINCE YOU ALREADY TOLD THEM WE’RE COMING!!!

DAYAN: All this talk of compromise! What of the Kingdom of the Jewish People?!

[ZION: I kind’ve spaced out at this point. I really had to lick my nuts.]

* * *

HAREL: Morale is horrible. Soldiers are disappearing from their units.

BEN-YISHAI: Look for them in Tel Aviv. Attack the Nazis in Tel Aviv!

DAYAN: Listen, listen! Shabbat is coming! There must be an eruv!

WOLPE: Yes, Rabbi Dayan is entirely correct! An eruv!

HAREL: What’re you talking about? Poles and wires?

DAYAN: All the way to the front lines. To Beirut, to Damascus, there must be an eruv!

WOLPE: And for the pilots. An eruv in the air!

[ZION: (sniffing) Dayan had shawarma today.]

* * *

DUDKEVITCH: I’m weary of hearing our commanders whine. I don’t judge anyone, but this weakness is very grave.

WOLPE: It’s an outrage!

HAREL: Why did I come out of retirement?

DUDKEVITCH: Then go back. Mister “I-kill-Arabs-like-mowing-a-lawn.” Go mow your lawn at home!

EITAM: Go send your own army! Send your hilltop boys with their paint cans and BAGS OF SHIT!!

BEN-YISHAI: Don’t be so cute. The boys would go! If the IDF would provide massive weapons superiority and shackle the Arabs, the boys would deal a decisive blow before the sun sets on Netzarim!!

[ZION: (sniffing) Is Wolpe trying to clear the room?]

* * *

WOLPE: Who’s rounding up the secular traitors and dragging them to the front? This is not being discussed!!!

DAYAN: A pulsa denura on them!!!

WOLPE: From you? Your curses are nothing!!!

DAYAN: My curses bring angels of destruction!!!

WOLPE: My curses are atomic bombs!!!

DUDKEVITCH: Yisrael has atomic bombs. Are they ready, Federman?

FEDERMAN: Everything is ready but my CHIEF OF STAFF!!!

EITAM: How can I be the REASONABLE ONE IN THIS ROOM?!?!?!?

[ZION: Do these people ever stop yelling? I decided to get some sleep, but the mobile phones woke me up.]

BEN-YISHAI: Hello?

DAYAN: Is that a kosher phone? Let me see it!!

BEN-YISHAI: It’s Baruch Ben Yosef. They think they saw an Arab! They're burning the orchards to find him!

WOLPE: It’s an outrage!

BEN-YISHAI: No, no, no, no, no. It’s a Motorola.

WOLPE: The terrorist must be found!!

DAYAN: Will they never cease their persecution of the Jewish People?!

DUDKEVITCH: Already I’m nostalgic for the simpler times. Ganging up on the shepherds, cursing the queers, making the seculars kiss my tuchus. Always something to loathe. A golden era of Jewish life!

[ZION: Somebody needs a mikvah in here.]

* * *

FEDERMAN: That’s it! The cowardly generals are dismissed! We move today!!!

WOLPE: Your dog is breaking wind!!

[ZION: You should talk, Rabbi.]

2008-09-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

YIGAL AMIR SHOOTS PERES

Attorney General Yigal Amir shot former President Shimon Peres at point-blank range on a Tel Aviv street today. As Peres munched on a Tunisian Sandwich, Amir stepped from a taxi and opened fire. Peres was rushed to Sourasky Medical Center, where he was pronounced “stable but untrustworthy” by a hospital spokesperson. Amir was serving a life sentence for slaying PM Yitzhak Rabin when coup leaders freed him and appointed him to the Yisraeli cabinet. He remained in the street after today's incident, chatting with bystanders. “What, you didn’t see this coming?” he repeatedly asked. When no one took him into custody, Amir hailed another taxi and returned to Ayalon Prison. He was placed in the cell he recently vacated.

Amir’s wife, Foreign Minister Larisa Trembovler, said “this changes everything. He’s back in the slammer and I’m in love again. This man knows how to please me.”

2008-09-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

TONY BLAIR CONCERNED

Former British PM Tony Blair expressed “grave concern” today that Yisrael’s military assault on four nations and the Gaza Strip will undermine the Mid-East peace process. Mr. Blair, who became the Quartet's regional envoy after stepping down as prime minister and Labour Party leader, cautioned that the “substantial progress” he had achieved in resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict “could be jeopardized by recent developments.” He called upon all parties to “exercise restraint” as they conduct hostilities. “I ask the parties to refrain from finger-pointing and turn to constructive dialogue.” Blair declined to assign blame to Yisrael, despite its unilateral invasive actions. “Many surgeries are ‘invasive,’ and yet they often yield profound benefit.” Asked for specific recommendations for reducing the fighting, Blair said “I urge us all to remain steadfast, as the converse is surely not an option, although some will certainly be tempted to do otherwise. But we have not come to the region to do what is expedient, but to establish a context for robust reconciliation, yet without preconceptions. The stakes are simply too high.”

2008-09-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

TREMBOVLER NAMED FOREIGN MINISTER

Larisa Trembovler, wife of assassin and Attorney General Yigal Amir, was appointed Yisrael’s Foreign Minister by the Settlers’ Selection Committee of the Provisional Government today. PM Noam Federman extolled the appointment, saying “Larisa’s a Zionist’s Zionist, but she came from Russia, so she knows how to talk to Jew-hating goyim.” Trembovler said she felt “harmonic” about her new role. “I haven’t got a lot of attention lately, so this should inspire me. After you leave your husband and four children to marry an imprisoned killer, how do you top that? And now that Yigal’s free, my work with him is done. I want to travel and do interviews. Ariel Zilber’s composing a soundtrack for my life, so maybe I’ll marry him next.”

2008-09-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

POLL RESULTS: YISRAELIS SUPPORT COUP

According to a survey conducted by Maagar Mochot, 59% of the Yisraeli public approves of the recent right-wing coup d’etat, while 17% disapproves and 24% were unaware that a coup had occurred. Support for the change of government was strongest among settlers, haredim, Russian speakers and real estate developers. Opposition was principally expressed by self-haters, infertile women, homosexuals and Uri Avnery. Many of the respondents with no knowledge of the coup were software designers.

Yitzhak Katz, CEO OF Maagar Mochot, commented that “I wish I felt more confident about our results. Several people expressed misgivings about the takeover, but said the settlers and the haredim were simply too dangerous to contradict. One told me ‘irrationality is power. You can’t defeat it.’ Perhaps it’s absurd, but it almost seemed like they were talking about the Nazis.”

2008-09-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

FORMER NETANYAHU ATTACKS PM SELECTION

The politician formerly known as Benjamin Netanyahu charged today that the selection of Yisrael’s new Prime Minister by a committee of three men was “illegitimate.” He contended that “at the very least, the Likud Party leadership should have been included in the selection process. Especially now, when we’re at war with virtually the entire Middle East, the State of Yisrael needs my firm hand at the controls.” The former PM characterized Prime Minister Federman as “an amateur who never faced down a terrorist and made him piss his pants as I have on countless occasions.”

Apparently concerned that he’d been outflanked by the ultra-nationalist and ultra-orthodox leaders of the coup d’etat, the former Netanyahu appeared in a colorful knitted skullcap with payot and an unruly beard pasted on his face. With an Uzi slung across his back, he announced that he had formally changed his name to Yisrael Ben Yisrael, although his followers were welcome to continue calling him “Bibi.” Ben Yisrael initially denied graduating from a Pennsylvania high school or obtaining degrees from American universities, claiming instead to have been a hilltop youth. He later acknowledged residing in the US, “but only to learn dog fighting in South Philly.”

2008-09-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

PM FEDERMAN ORDERS MILITARY INTO ACTION

Prime Minister Noam Federman ordered all three branches of Yisrael’s armed forces to immediately begin military operations against Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the Gaza Strip. Alluding to Yisrael’s 6-Day Way in 1967, Federman declared “I expect victory in five days or less. It’s inconceivable that I’d need as much time as the dainty Levi Eshkol.” Federman identified three objectives for the multi-front attack. “First, we’ll show again that we aren’t weak. This must be shown again and again, without pause or exception. Second, we’ll humiliate every weak-kneed Jew that shrunk from confrontation with those who must understand we aren’t weak.”

The PM then asked Rabbi Dov Lior to describe the third war objective, but Rabbi Lior was shouldered aside by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe. “Third,” shouted Rabbi Wolpe, who is still recovering from an ultra-orthodox colonoscopy, “we’ll redeem the Land of Greater Yisrael from the Arab Nazis!! All which was given to the descendants of Abraham, from the Nile to the Euphrates.” Rabbi Lior remonstrated that the Nile was in Egypt, a country not included in the declaration of war. A beard-pulling scuffle ensued, and as the PM interceded, both rabbis spat at him and stalked from the room. “Okay,” the PM called after them, “Egypt, too.”

Shortly after the PM’s announcement, Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi cautioned that the military was not fully prepared for simultaneous war against so many entities. “Maybe the PM could just prioritize one or two and we’ll do those first.” In response, Mr. Federman relieved General Ashkenazi of command, replacing him with retired Gen. Effie Eitam. “Eitam likes to ramble on about his destiny. Let’s see what he can actually accomplish.” From his Fortress of Solitude in the Golan Heights, General Eitam replied, “tell Federman I’m coming back a war hero. And war heroes make excellent prime ministers.”

2008-09-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

YIGAL AMIR APPOINTED TO MINISTRY

Yigal Amir, the assassin of Yitzhak Rabin, was named Attorney General by the Settlers’ Selection Committee. Prime Minister Noam Federman praised Amir’s legal experience. “Yigal was a law student, so he appreciates the importance of the rule of law. And he’s won every case he’s had in prison. Except that sperm thing.” Amir will assume his duties after vacating his cell. “I’ve collected some pretty nice stuff and I want it packed carefully,” Amir said. He expressed excitement about his new role and looks forward to “showing I can do things besides shooting motherfuckers that piss me off.” Amir fathered a child while in prison, and plans to enjoy as much “quality time” with his son as his official duties permit. “But I’m not into a lot of crying - hey, get out of my business. Family’s off-limits in politics.”

2008-09-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

LABOR SEEKS COALITION

Communicating via video conference from an undisclosed location, former PM and Defense Minister Ehud Barak proposed that Yisrael’s Provisional Government form a ruling coalition with Barak’s Labor Party. Barak noted that “Jewish tradition” requires Labor participation at the highest official levels to “maintain international confidence in Yisrael’s policies.” Barak proposed an even split of ministerial portfolios "so that Fuad and I can get our old offices back.” Former Defense and Infrastructure Minister Benjamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer appeared in a hammock behind Barak, licking hummus from a paper plate. Barak wore a flowing white beard, resembling former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic when he was apprehended. Prime Minister Federman responded that “the Judenrat Barak is not safe in the State of Yisrael. Better that he plays cards with his handlers in Tehran.”

2008-09-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

FEDERMAN NAMED NEW PM

The Settlers’ Selection Committee of the Provisional Government of Yisrael has appointed Noam Federman as the nation's new Prime Minister. A disciple of the late Meir Kahane, Federman is a legendary party planner for righteous Jews at the gravesite of mass murderer Baruch Goldstein. He also hosts an internet chat show acclaimed as “masturbatory” by the magazine Eretz. The selection committee’s official announcement adds that Federman is also “a lawyer, a surgeon, an Olympic champion in dozens of things and a very funny ventriloquist.”

The choice of Federman was not unanimous. All three selection committee members, Rabbi Dov Lior, David Ha’ivri and Baruch Marzel, each initially recommended himself for the PM post. However, after lengthy debate, Ha’ivri and Rabbi Lior agreed upon Federman as a compromise PM. Marzel called that decision “an abomination” and abruptly resigned from the committee, taking members of his Chayil Party to the Judean hills to hide out.

2008-09-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

ARAB OCCUPATION ENDS

The Provisional Government of Yisrael declared that the Arab occupation of the land of Yisrael had ended completely . “No Arab blood defiles Yisraeli soil,” said Acting Interior Minister Baruch Ben Yossef. “The door hit the ass of the last Arab on his way out.” Ben Yossef added that all other goyim were also being expelled. “Soon the Jewish people will inhale only the Jewish breath exhaled by the Jewish people.” Rabbi Yossef Dayan, Acting Minister of Tourism, conducted a pulsa denura to put a death curse on any Jew secretly harboring goyische breath in his lungs.

Reaction to the end of the Arab occupation and the expulsion of foreign workers was mixed. “Blessed be He,” said one Rabbi. “Now we can build the Third Temple and live in the dark.” But a young software designer was not so sure. “They kicked out the foreign labor? Now who’s going to do the boring stuff?”

2008-09-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

PM SELECTION COMMITTEE FORMED. WAR DECLARED.

UPDATE. The Provisional Government of the State of Yisrael announced that a Settlers’ Selection Committee, comprised of Rabbi Dov Lior, David Ha’ivri and Baruch Marzel, has been formed to choose an acting Prime Minister who will serve until elections are conducted in Hebron, Kiryat Arba and selected settlements.

In a separate statement, the Provisional Government declared that the State of Yisrael is at war with Iran, Syria, Lebanon and Barak Obama. IDF reservists were called to duty and yeshiva students were exhorted to intensify their Torah studies.

2008-09-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

BUSH RECOGNIZES NEW YISRAELI GOVERNMENT

President George Bush announced that the United States recognizes the new government of the State of Yisrael. Standing in the White House Rose Garden, flanked by Morton Klein of the Zionist Organization of American, the President declared that the US “stands behind our Yisraeli allies on whatever they wanna call themselves. America will never give in to terror.” Mr. Bush then began explaining that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice would be dispatched to the Middle East to revive the peace process, but Mr. Klein diverted him by tossing a ball on the lawn, which the President retrieved. Mr. Klein clarified that Secretary Rice’s agenda was still under development.

2008-09-05T23:02:00.002-07:00

ARABS LEAVING EN MASSE TO JOIN OWN KIND

UPDATE. Daniela Weiss, Acting Minister of Arab Affairs for the Provisional Government of Yisrael, told Channel 2 today that thousands of Arabs were voluntarily “returning to the places they all came from a few years ago.” Weiss compared this mass migration to the outflow of Arabs from Eretz Yisrael during the 1948 War of Independence. “Just like ’48, they realize they can’t just squat on Jewish land. And I think they miss the places they’re more familiar with.” She added that the IDF was assisting the movement of people and personal property by “providing directions and demolishing those temporary residences blocking their way out.” Commenting on widespread reports of looting of Arab communities by Jews, Weiss explained that “the Jewish people are doing whatever they can to lighten the burdens the Arabs are carrying on their backs. Listen, the Arabs have old women schlepping air conditioners. Whoever heard of such a thing?”

2008-09-05T23:02:00.001-07:00

ISRAEL NOW SPELLED YISRAEL

UPDATE. The Provisional Government has decreed that the English spelling for the Jewish state will now be Yisrael. The decree also bans the use of English, along with Arabic, Russian, Yiddish and Amharic, inside Israel. The decree directs foreign diplomats to incorporate the name change in official correspondence. According to spokesperson Itamar Ben Gvir, “that’s how God spells it.” In a separate decree, the Provisional Government ordered most nations to close their embassies and withdraw their diplomatic personnel. Notable exceptions include the International Christian Embassy, Colombia and Nauru.

2008-09-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

CALM STREETS, SWIFT CHANGES AFTER COUP D’ETAT

An uneasy quiet blanketed Circus Israel today after an alliance of settlers and ultra-orthodox Jews unseated the elected coalition government in Jerusalem. Although bands of armed settlers patrolled the streets of several cities, most Jewish Israelis appeared to conduct their everyday activities without interruption. Said one secular Israeli software designer, “the settlers and the haredim called the shots anyway, so let’s not get too excited.”

Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and most members of his cabinet, including Defense Minister Ehud Barak, have gone into hiding. Shmuel Ben-Yishai, the Acting Prime Minister of the Provisional Government of Eretz Israel, declared that “the traitors will be hunted like rodents and dealt with according to Halakah.” Israeli President Shimon Peres, who has also gone into seclusion, offered via email to remain in office to assure an orderly transfer of power.

According to a communiqué released by the Provisional Government, Israel will not renounce violence, honor existing agreements with other entities or recognize the right of Palestinians, or any other Arab group, to a state of their own. The citizenship of Israeli Arabs has been revoked in a mass swearing-out ceremony. “The debate about a Jewish state or a democratic state has been settled,” Ben-Yishai declared.

2008-09-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL COUP D’ETAT!!!

JERUSALEM. Shortly before dawn today, the Hebron Regional Committee, aided by the Kiryat Arba Local Council, seized key state offices and deposed Circus Israel’s governing coalition in a bloodless coup d’etat. Declaring itself the Provisional Government of Eretz Israel, the Committee imposed a dusk-to-dawn curfew outside of Judea and Sumaria and suspended all official activity. Various ultra-orthodox groups from both sides of the Green Line joined the wave of orange-bedecked autos and buses flowing into the capitol.

No shots were fired during the take-over, although several marchers sustained Horah injuries during the ensuing celebration. IDF units stood casually on the sidelines, as if observing another round of settler-on-Arab violence. Many soldiers reinforced hilltop youth trashing vehicles or praying spontaneously. Civilians, enroute to work or school, simply shrugged, while members of the “Peace Camp” nodded gravely.

Spokesperson David “Dave” Wilder, reading from a prepared statement, explained that the committee had lost patience with the Kadima coalition’s FOG (Facts on the Ground) and SAND (Self-Absorbed Nest Development) strategy of incremental redemption of the land. “We’re sick of waiting. The land belongs to the Jewish people, who want to be Jewish on it.”

Questioned by a foreign journalist, Wilder characterized the settler movement as the “tail that wagged the dog” for too long. “Now we are the dog. The big, chosen Jewish dog. And we bite.” The journalist was, in fact, bitten by Wilder and Rabbi Dov Lior.

The coup leaders announced that Ben Gurion Airport had been shut down and the nation’s “provisional” borders were sealed. An information blackout was also imposed, although most Israeli television programming was encouraged to continue.

2008-08-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

EHUD OLMERT MASTERS FOG & SAND (in his own words)

Let's get our facts straight. Everyone says I’m utterly weakened. That’s true. Everyone calls me a failure. That used to be true. Now it’s completely wrong. After an admittedly messy start, I am, like the great ringmasters before me, quietly and firmly directing Circus Israel’s perpetual show, FOG and SAND. Ask yourself, this, you critics – who dominates Eretz Israel today? We do. The Jews. And who takes a little bit more each day for our very own? We do. And how do we do this? A demolition here, a confiscation there, and streets full of lovely new houses on the hill. The FOG of Facts on the Ground and the SAND of Self-Absorbed Nest Development. Every righteous Jew playing their part, and the soothing warble of meaningless negotiations beguiling friend and foe alike. This is what works today, people. This is how we grab all the good candy. The Circus doesn’t need some belligerent, dumb-ass screwing this up with a big shoot-out. I tried that in Lebanon when I thought I was strong and popular, and look what it got me. Now that I’m utterly weak, I can’t try that foolishness anymore. That’s the genius of FOG and SAND. Just plug and play and don’t touch the machine. And get off my back about the money.

2008-07-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

MUSIC REVIEW – MEN OF WAR ROCK HAYARKON PARK

Even their most ardent fans agree that the Men of War are nothing if not a predictable band. With vocalist Ehud Olmert, lead guitar Ehud Barak, Avi Dichter on bass and Yuval Diskin on drums, what you’ve already heard is what you get. So it wasn’t surprising that the Men dedicated their performance to Hamas. But when they began the sultry evening in Hayarkon Park with their recent release, the critically panned “Gaza Ceasefire,” it’s doubtful anybody expected a rendition as lifeless as this. Olmert seemed to be going through the motions, Barak kept re-tuning his axe and Diskin abandoned his skins to make a furtive phone call in the wings. When Olmert tore off his shirt and mock-humped Barak, he seemed more desperate than raunchy. The crowd looked resigned to a night of pure buzz-kill.

Fortunately, the band knew it had a problem. After a knowing glance from Olmert, Avi Dichter began laying down the familiar opening bass line of “Searing the Consciousness,” and a grateful audience flung away its boredom like an Arab ID card and sprang to its feet. Olmert preened, Diskin returned to attack his skins with a guttural snarl and the sheer power of this savvy band began to re-emerge. The Men raged through a scorching medley of “West Bank Redeemer,” “Resistance is Terror,” “Mohammed Stole My Car” and “Statehood Never!,” erecting their signature Wall of Noise like a territorial imperative. Olmert and Barak seemed bent on besting each other with every relentless lick.

During “Statehood,” excitement boiled to a frenzy when Olmert began the customary call-and-response with “No mosques!,” and the throaty crowd replied “Throw ‘em Out!.” Olmert skillfully piloted the throng through the standard litany – no schools, no clinics, no trade unions, no sports clubs, no soup kitchens, etc. – reaching orgasmic intensity on “No you!” Such is the power of the band’s Hamas obsession.

Momentum flagged however when Olmert warned some cops on the periphery of the crowd to “leave me the fuck alone,” then began rambling on about one big plan or another. Barak broke in frequently to remind the other Ehud to “quit writin’ checks you can’t cash,” but Olmert lurched on until Diskin spat Jack Daniels on his red Chuck Taylors. After a brief shoving match, the band warmed up “Demolition Derby,” and Olmert foolishly took the crowd’s enthusiasm personally. When he leaped off the stage, nobody bothered to catch him.

The other Ehud re-lit the flame, though, with a bluesy exploration of “Sweet Home Jerusalem.” He’d probably disagree, but Barak seems more at ease in the role of side man than he did as leader of his own ill-fated group, Camp David. Dismissed as a poseur and a flop, he took refuge in a solo tour of the States before returning to the Men of War. Free of the burdens of leadership, his almost maniacal attention to irrelevant detail now adds immeasurably to the band’s capacity to repeat itself. True, he still resorts to stale onstage pyrotechnics – the windmill strum, the chords behind the neck, the guitar as phallus – but when he’s in his groove, few can amp a crowd better, yet deliver less, than E-Bar.

Tempers flared when a group of young women began chanting “Tzipi Livni” during Dichter’s patented 34-minute bass solo on “Arab Graveyard.” Although A-Dic customarily responds to feminine voices with tantalizing flicks of his serpentine tongue, this time he snapped “Shut up, you fucking cunts.” The hecklers replied by increasing their volume and flashing their breasts. Moments later, Olmert had seen and heard enough. “Rock is cock!” he growled. “And, ladies, you ain’t got the goods.”

After a brief break - while the band rang up George Bush on their mobile phones, evidently just to show they could – the Men unveiled “Iran Hamastan,” a work in progress they hope to release this year. The group displayed some vigor, and Yuval Diskin slapped a suspect’s face to interesting percussive effect, but the overall endeavor was hardly ready for prime time. The backbeat was undercooked, and the lyrics sounded like something Golda Meir might’ve said if Ariel Sharon had interrupted her shower.

A transcendent experience did seem possible moments later, when the Men of War invited former band members Bogie Ayalon and Dan Halutz to sit in. Alas, they added nothing new. Halutz wobbled unsteadily, as if he’d waterboarded himself in Goldstar, and Bogie apparently just wanted a few expensive cigars from Olmert’s Talansky stash. The mood only deteriorated when Dan the Man beckoned Dichter’s girl hecklers to enjoy the “dunams of free parking on my face.” Not to be outdone, Avi tried welcoming the ladies onstage for a “scavenger hunt in my pants.” Bogie then dropped his own pants and mooned anyone interested in looking.

When the clowning finally ended, the Men and their erstwhile band mates did passable work on “Hamas Harvest” and “Smashin’ the Calm.” There was enough Ecstasy in the crowd to make it sound better than it was. By the time the band repeated “Statehood Never!” as an encore, it truly seemed that the Men of War had run out of fresh ideas.

The Men were preceded onstage by the erratic all-rabbi hair band, Iron Halakah. It’s old news that Rabbis Yona Metzger (lead vocals & shofar), Yisrael Lau (lead guitar) and Chaim Kanievsky (bass), along with brothers Yaakov (keyboards) and Yisrael (percussion) Ariel, struggle to play the same sheet of music. Despite their prodigious individual talents, Iron Halakah can make the easy seem very difficult. With their seemingly endless monologues to the crowd and each other, momentum can feel like a distant dream. But when they come together – as they did on their all-time best-seller “No Compromise” – their fans are amply rewarded for their patience. Maybe it was the weed and malt liquor, both on the bandstand and off, but the group’s hard-driving Daven Rock concocted a frothy and paranoid vibe that their secular headliners, the famed Men of War, almost wasted.

2008-07-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

CATERPILLAR PRESS RELEASE

Caterpillar, Inc., the world’s largest manufacturer of construction machinery, regrets the intentional misuse of its equipment in Jerusalem by a (YOUR PICK) (terrorist) (emotionally overwhelmed individual). As we emphasized when Palestinians were buried alive during home demolitions and Rachel Corrie was crushed in a stand-off - it is people, not bulldozers, that kill people. When employed properly by a qualified operator, Caterpillar equipment changes our shared world in positive ways. We expect, for example, that a Caterpillar bulldozer will destroy the homes of Mr. Duwiyat’s relatives, temporarily quenching the thirst of righteous Israelis (especially rabies victim Baruch Marzel) for revenge. Caterpillar continues to urge responsible use of heavy equipment.

2008-06-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

YESHA COUNCIL ISSUES AN URGENT WARNING

The Yesha Council sounded an alarm today about a video appearing in various media available to Jewish men in Eretz Israel. The video features a young woman, apparently of Semitic origin, seductively shedding her ankle-length dress to reveal a skimpy halter top and underpants. Vamping to the camera, she says the following:

“I don’t feel like going out tonight. Not with all those terrorists out there. I just want to slip my clothes off…and lie back…and chat with you. I know you’re there…redeeming Eretz Israel…with your fully loaded Uzi…cocked…and ready. Let’s talk. Call me, at 02-670-5555…and tell me what turns you on…I could listen to you talk about rebuilding an outpost…all night long. Mmmmmm. And if you’re as hot as they say…maybe you can come…to my place. I’m wearing my nationalist-religious panties. You can tear them off…and tickle my nipples with your payot…and I’ll lick the crumbs from your beard…while we make exPLOsive love…like Jacob & Bilhah. Uhhhhmmmm. Don’t keep me waiting. Somebody else might call first. Somebody without Zionist devotion. And I’m sooo horny. Call now. 02-670-5555. And ram through my checkpoints. 02-670-5555. Ohhhhhhhh…”

The Council warns that this video may be an Arab trap, luring righteous Jews into marriages outside the faith. “This looks suspiciously like the latest weapon in the demographic war,” said Yesha’s spokesman, Danny “Danny” Dayan.

2008-06-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

SHAUL MOFAZ HAS AN ABSTRACT THOUGHT

Shaul Mofaz, Circus Israel’s Transportation Minister and Deputy Prime Minister, confirmed what close associates have recently claimed – he had an abstract thought. Rumors began floating over a week ago, and on Thursday a Mofaz confidant, Juma Azbaraga, commented publicly that “Shaul had a fuzzy feeling in his head.” Mofaz acknowledged this today. “All of a sudden, there it was. Look, these things can happen to anybody.”

Despite persistent questioning, Mofaz didn’t describe the abstract thought in any detail. “I don’t have words for this kind of nonsense. I don’t need them.” Mofaz explained that his thoughts are typically more aggressive and pertain to replacing beleaguered PM Ehud Olmert or attacking Iran. He did not welcome the abrupt onset of abstraction. “It made me uncomfortable. Not frightened, of course. I’m a military man. But uneasy.”

The Iranian-born Deputy PM emphasized that the unwanted thought had not diminished his determination to bring about regime change in both Tehran and Jerusalem. “Not at all. It was just a stupid thing about clouds or something.” Mofaz reiterated that nothing but a punishing air assault would achieve Israel’s desired result in Iran.

Azbaraga conceded that he had leaked news of the abstraction before Mofaz’s rivals could discover it independently. “I could see Shaul was upset. Not frightened, of course. He’s a military man. But testier than usual. I made sure he got out in front of the story and controlled it.”

Mofaz initially denied ever entertaining abstract thoughts in the past. He insisted that even his dreams are very concrete and usually about replacing beleaguered PM Ehud Olmert or attacking Iran. However, after another Mofaz associate, Shlomo Abramovitz, said that Mofaz had once made a “very far-out remark” at a political meeting, Mofaz admitted the earlier abstraction. “I just wondered why some animals had extra breasts. That’s all.”

2008-06-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL CLARIFIES INTENTIONS

Officials have been frustrated by diplomatic misinterpretation of recent Israeli actions. Israel’s refusal to allow Gaza students to claim their Fulbright Fellowships was wrongly construed as pressure on Hamas, while extensive air force exercises over the Mediterranean were erroneously perceived as a warning against Iran’s nuclear ambitions. “This is completely backwards,” griped Mark Regev, wind-up doll for PM Ehud Olmert. According to Regev, the air force exercises were meant to emphasize that Palestinians are puny and powerless and incapable of wresting even a scrap of ground from Jewish control. “Why would a nation that refuels jets in mid-air surrender anything to peasants that schlep stuff with donkeys? What part of ‘mighty’ don’t they understand?” As for the stranded Gaza scholars, David Baker, another PM bullshit machine, said Israel was signaling that Iranian students would be barred from southern California universities if Iran continued asserting sovereignty within its own borders. Baker emphasized that the same academics and contributors that have silenced criticism of Israel in American universities are ready to ensure that Iranians find closed doors at UCLA, USC and Cal State Northridge. “By the way, these Iranian students live like princes, club-hopping all night and skipping class. Let’s see how Ahmedenijad likes having those fashionistas come back home,” said Baker. Added gruff PM wannabe Shaul Mofaz, “anyone who misreads Israel’s signals is just asking for trouble.”

2008-06-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

(PAID ADVERTISEMENT)

University of Kiryat Arba (On-Line) – fully self-accredited Baccalaureate Degree in Occupation & Settlement Studies. Sign up now!

PHILOSOPHY OF OCCUPATION
The ontology, cosmology, epistemology, axiology and eschatology of occupation, with particular emphasis on kicking ass and taking names. Readings of the seminal thinkers, including Herzl, Kook, Jabotinsky, Katznelson, Ben-Gurion, Weizmann, Custer, Botha and their progeny, Sharon, Netanyahu and Hagee. Examine the fundamental truths of occupation – “Send out zealots, hustlers and head-cases and the army will follow,” and “Take the gun AND the cannoli.”

FOUNDATIONS OF SETTLEMENT
Slow but steady – a necessity in the post-colonial age. Why we can’t just run them out in a single day like the Egyptians did to us before God parted the sea in our historically accurate saga of dispossession. Access roads – the mesh of the Zionist net. Neatness counts - pushing Arabs into tidy little piles. The outpost as virus. Readings include Sharon, Lieberman, Zeevi, Levinger, Kahane and Morton Klein. Examine the fundamental truths of settlement – “Everybody loves free land” and “Possession beats ownership any day of the week.”

ARAB MANAGEMENT
Identifying best practices in encircling, isolating, assaulting, culling and excising. The power of despair and other proven techniques for breaking through sumud. Tough love – the pointlessness of empathy, the error of dialogue, the mistake of compromise. The Palestinian narrative of hardship and how not to fall for it. Snitch control – the carrots and the sticks. Should the Passover Plagues be revised – or can we really make frogs rain on Jenin? Case studies include Algeria, Lebanon, Iraq & the Jordan Valley.

BROOKLYN TO SUMERIA, CLEVELAND TO JUDEA - THE TRANSITION TO ALIYAH
The challenge of leaving competition behind and always winning. Why Blacks can’t intimidate you here. Harnessing the exhilaration of lawlessness – hitting an Arab, not your girlfriend. The sectarian militia – wearing that slick assault rifle in unofficial national service. Manly men and fecund women – for a change. Head covering – the accessory that says it all. “Hey, where’s that tax break for my gemstone business in Chicago?”

ARABIC FOR DUMMIES (NATURALLY!)
Commands, curses, ridicule, challenges and inducements. Anatomical references and comparisons to domesticated animals. Recreational drug slang. The “ABC Method” (“Always Be Chastising”). Intentional mispronunciation – and how to make it sting. The battle of the glottis and why we must prevail.

OLIVE HARVESTING – REDEEMING THE FRUIT OF THE LAND
Identifying the defining characteristic of jewish olives (they grew in eretz Israel). Watching Arabs for the telltale signs that the olives are ready for stealing. Problem-solving in the fields: Pick the fruit or wait for them to do it? Move the tree or move the Arab?

INTERNATIONAL LAW
Treaties and protocols – when to enforce and when to spread on toast. The truth about the UN – a goyische cartel run by the enemies of Israel for the sole purpose of oppressing us. Special attention to Resolution 242 (and how the missing “the” means we keep the land). Lord Balfour’s 1917 letter to Lord Rothschild - one white guy writing to another, the gold standard of international law. The 4th Geneva Convention as practical joke gone awry. You hurt one of ours, we hurt a hundred of yours - the most satisfying law in the whole wide world.

TOMB OBSESSION – JEWS DON’T DIE, WE PERPETUALLY OCCUPY
Why do we so love the grave? Essential truth or proof of land title? Special emphasis on the Cave of the Patriarchs and why Hebron is a tourist goldmine. Case studies includes the imaginary tomb of imaginary Adam and Eve. Students are encouraged to ponder why Esau’s body isn’t buried with his head. Additional emphasis on the Tomb of the Matriarchs. Identify the tombs of Bilhah (Rachel’s handmaid), Zilpah (Leah’s handmaid and personal trainer) and Sherry (Miriam’s publicist). Why Zebulon’s tomb proves Lebanon belongs to the Jews. Deconstruction of the virulent myth that Muslims are buried in Eretz Israel. How to find a decent hotel near an A-List grave. How to own a decent hotel near an A-List grave. What to say while staring at the ground.

DIASPORA RELATIONS
Those who can, occupy. Those who can’t, send financing. AIPAC – how did we get so lucky? Christian Zionists – how did we get so lucky? Keeping it unreal: what AIPAC and Christian Zionists should never say to each other. Emphasis on Israel as safe haven: when the other urologists turn on you, when your law partners unleash a pogrom, when the hedge fund managers slaughter your livestock, Eretz Israel will take you in. Emphasis on Israel as precarious victim: when Arabs reproduce with impunity in Jerusalem, when Assad starts sounding reasonable, when Obama doesn’t sound fervent enough, put away the mah jongg tiles and get on the phone. Coercing assimilated Jews who doubt our righteousness to shut the fuck up.

JEWISH GEOLOGY
Discussion of rocks that a lot of Jewish people know or have heard of. (Note: partial credit awarded for throwing rocks at Arabs hitting on our girls in Pisgat Ze'ev.)

2008-05-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

ELDAD DECLARES HE'S A VAMPIRE

I am Aryeh Eldad. I am a vampire. This makes me no less a physician. It's why I'm a physician. And a burn specialist. The barbeque flavor. And it makes me no less a Jew. Frankly, I'm a better Jew than you. Did you demand death for surrender of Jewish land? Did you brawl with the police at Amona? Did you bellow for expulsion of the Arabs in Hebron? Did you insert your finger in Irving Moskowitz's ass to examine his aging prostate? No??!! Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!! Then I'm the better Jew!! And the better vampire!!!!

2008-05-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL FORGIVES ITSELF AND MOVES ON

The Security Cabinet of Circus Israel has issued the following Statement as an official Trial Balloon. The Security Cabinet reserves full discretion to, at any time: 1) repudiate the Statement, in whole or in part; 2) deny that the Statement, or any part, ever existed; 3) characterize the statement, or any part, as a misquotation, misrepresentation and/or internal working document representing nothing; 4) impute anti-Semitism to any person or entity that agrees with, or disagrees with, the Statement or any repudiation, denial or characterization of the Statement by the Security Cabinet; 5) counteract the Statement with a military incursion in Ramallah.

STATEMENT…The State of Israel has decided to move on with its life. We acknowledge certain actions may’ve been perceived by some others as non-optimal. Sometimes, things just get misunderstood. We sincerely regret that this misperception occurred. Even though Israel obviously suffers from post-traumatic stress, and even though we’ve been put through an ordeal since day one, we won’t ask for special treatment. That’s not who we are. But nobody’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things that come out the wrong way. That’s what makes us human. All we can do is accept that we can’t control others (except Arabs). We can only control ourselves (and, like we said, Arabs). So it’s time to put this all behind us, to forgive ourselves, to give ourselves permission to heal and move ahead. We’re going to take some time for us. Time for closure. We’ll just settle for awhile, sipping the under-appreciated wine of the Golan and watching the sun set over Judea. We’ll work to figure out who we really are, in our infinite complexity. And once we’re spiritually reinvigorated, we promise we’ll do everything we can to be true to ourselves.

HAPPY 60TH TO CIRCUS ISRAEL

2008-05-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

Roses are red, violets are blue. It's a happy birthday, if you're a...

2008-05-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

“DREAM ARAB'S” LIFE IS TOPSY-TURVY

Circus Israel talked with Nabila Hatem, Israel’s “Dream Arab,” on February 8. Nabila told us she’s a relentless anti-semite whose sole focus is Jew-hatred (which is, of course, why she won the coveted title, “Arab of our dreams!”). Since then, she’s been caught up in a whirlwind of public attention. Here’s what she has to say.

NABILA HATEM: It’s so crazy. When the Jews called me the “Dream Arab” I said, “I don’t care what you do. I hate you. That’s what I do.” Now they won’t stay away. “Nabila, you’re perfect. Come talk to our synagogue. You are the truth.” So I scream at them. “Leave me alone! Stinking monkey-Jews! Go, before my dog gnaws on your unclean haunches!” And they’re so happy.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: It’s a distraction for you?

NABILA HATEM: This’s the problem! I have no time to myself. As I told you before, nothing is more important than my anti-semitism. I just want to sit in my refugee camp and think about slurping Jewish blood. That’s it.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: But you have time at the checkpoints, don’t you?

NABILA: They wave me right through! Like a Zionist. They want to take their picture with me on the cellphone.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Well, you’re something of an international celebrity now.

NABILA HATEM: Letters, letters, from all the places the Jews should go back to. Look at this. “Nabila, thank you. Whenever someone says Israel should live with the Arabs, I tell them about you. Then they see that violence is the only language you understand. Please, Nabila, continue your important work and know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers.”

CIRCUS ISRAEL: We heard you want to leave.

NABILA HATEM: Yes, of course. Let me go where I can hate Jews in peace. I demanded transfer, but the Jews said no, you go last, after the rest.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: So you’re stuck here?

NABILA: They say if I recognize Israel’s right to exist, they’ll kick me out sooner. Why do you say, "2 Jews, 3 opinions?" I only see one.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Nabila, you're a delight. If we didn’t have you, we’d have to invent you. Once again, thank you.

NABILA HATEM: Thank you for calling. Death to the Jews.

2008-05-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

QUICK-TAKES UNDER THE CIRCUS ISRAEL BIG-TOP

According to witnesses and journalists, an IDF paratrooper mistakenly landed on spectators during the 60th birthday celebration at Tel Aviv’s Jerusalem beach. Eight people were reportedly injured, two seriously. The IDF denies that the incident occurred. The IDF explains that a generally similar event may have been staged by enemies of Israel “to undermine deterrence.” In any case, the IDF states that the casualties were not Jewish and were not harmed by the paratrooper, but by explosives hidden under their beachwear.

Israel’s 60th-birthday Flechettes Over Gaza extravaganza will go on as scheduled. Defense Minister Ehud Barak emphasized that cluster bombs are not prohibited by any treaty when deployed with patriotic intent. Barak also questioned the motivation of the event’s opponents. “Why don’t these people chill out? Because anti-semitism oozes from their every pore, that’s why.”

The political standing of PM Ehud Olmert has apparently not been harmed by the discovery of a sex dungeon under his Jerusalem home. Indeed, the absence of Nazi symbols and paraphernalia was received positively, boosting Olmert’s approval rating to 6%. American businessman Morris “Mr. T” Talansky denied contributing any money to Olmert for a dungeon. “That was the Eliot Spitzer deal,” Talansky clarified.

Internal Security Minister Avi Dichter announced that no Palestinian prisoners in administrative detention would be released at the present time. The Minister stated that administrative prisoners, who are detained without charge, represent a “grave danger” to Israel. “The longer they’ve been in detention, the longer they’ve failed to establish their innocence of the charges that haven’t been lodged. Meanwhile, the terrorist acts they were suspected of intending to commit have not, in fact, been committed. You do the math.”

Danny "Danny" Danon, chairman of World Likud, demanded that Avi Dichter strictly prohibit ambivalence toward the State of Israel by Israeli Arabs. Danon contended that non-Jewish ambivalence constitutes incitement and an existential threat to the Jewish State. "The space between ambivalence and terror attacks is miniscule. The state must act decisively," Danon declared. "This doesn't apply to my friend, Rev. John Hagee, by the way. He's kidding about converting us."

Convicted spy Jonathan Pollard told supporters that while he tries to stay optimistic, he's been depressed lately. "I had some problems with my suitcase and my jocker traded me for a dozen squares and a quart of pruno. I should shank his new punk, but the Israel-haters'd just love that."

2008-05-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

HAMAS GETS IN LINE

Circus Israel has long complained that Hamas and the other non-surrendering Palestinian factions have hidden among civilians as they fight our armed forces. (If one wants to be hyper-technical, the factions are civilians themselves, since we’ve done everything possible to prevent a Palestinian state with a formal military apparatus. Whatever.) The obvious problem with this unscrupulous human shield business is that Circus Israel can’t execute Arab fighters without hearing international guff about civilian casualties. But, at long last, Hamas is getting its act together. According to senior commander Muhammad Deif, the military wing of Hamas (Izz-al-Din al-Qassam) will begin lining up in formation, “like a proper army.”

“A lot of the shaheeds felt like we were kind of cheating,” said Deif. “I mean, the Zionist enemy has to wear uniforms and fly numbered jets and all that stuff, but we’ve been pretty loosey-goosey. So no more hit and run. We’re gonna form ranks out in the open and charge them, the way you’re supposed to. They wanna fix bayonets, fine, let’s get it on.”

Hamas is still ironing out the details. Locating wide-open, civilian-free battlefields has been especially troublesome. “We thought about renting one of those spacious, elite football pitches you see all over Gaza,” Deif explained. “But the mujahadeen want to dig World War I-style trenches and spread barbed wire and then we’d have to clean everything up after the battle so the kids can play ball.”

Ahmad Jabri, another Izz-al-Din al-Qassam commander, said the factions might borrow the Israeli tactic of demolishing civilian residences with bulldozers, to clear space for combat. “Civilians have been pretty lukewarm about the idea, though. I can’t put my finger on it, but people seem a little apathetic. The housing market’s been cold.”

Still, the factions have made substantial progress toward their goal of fighting what Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya calls “good, old-fashioned war.” Hamas downloaded a vintage US Army Field Manual from the Web and distributed copies to enthusiastic fighters. “The boys are revved up," Haniya said. “Their getting helmets and some very classy uni’s with their names on the back. What I didn’t expect was the medals. Everybody wants medals.”

Commanders have been similarly excited by the new policy. “I’m having a ball,” says Islamic Jihad’s Ramadan Abdullah. “I’m reading Clausewitz, Napolean, the Romans and Greeks, you name it. I can’t wait to try my first enfilade on the Israeli flank. The Zionists’ll crap their pants.”

All of the factions see a bright future. “I think our navy’ll be able to slap a blockade on the Zionist coast by November,” says Haniya. Air superiority will take longer, he concedes. “For now, our airmen will run around in plain sight with their arms out, making realistic airplane noises. These guys’re the best of the best.”

Islamic Jihad’s Abdullah points out that the Israeli critique has helped the factions appreciate the adverse consequences of their guerilla tactics. “Maybe we’ve been so busy with our Jihad al saghir, we got a bit tone deaf. I’ve had plenty of civilians complain that our shenanigans are disrupting powdered milk distribution. We needed a wake-up call.”

However, Hamas co-founder Mahmoud al-Zahar notes that the Israelis don’t always help their own cause. “Look, when they come to a casbah in the middle of the night to arrest or execute somebody, they don’t always leave us much time to evacuate civilians in an orderly fashion before we assume our fighting positions. And the air attacks. I mean, c’mon, give us a couple minutes to get our martyrs into a phalanx.” Muhammad Deif disagrees. “Let’s not make excuses. The bottom line is, the Zionists have worked their tails off to maintain absolute purity of arms. We can’t get so caught up in our own troubles that we mess that up.”

2008-05-01T18:11:00.000-07:00

JEWS HYPE TIBET IN BIZARRO WORLD

Comic book readers know that in Bizarro World, everything is reversed. Some of the more opportunistic Godfathers of American Jewry recently convened in Bizarro World to issue a DECLARATION (oooohhhh!!), directing Jews to boycott the Beijing Olympics. Led by pompous blowhards “Yitz” (how sporty) Greenberg, Haskell Lookstein and Rafael Medoff (Wyman Institute), the signatories are “deeply troubled” by Chinese “injustice and persecution” toward Tibet. The Chinese transgressions troubling these gasbags surely include:

Suppression of an indigenous people by overwhelming military superiority;

Settlement of majority (Han Chinese) civilians in Tibetan provinces to dilute Tibetan continuity and undermine Tibetan autonomy;

Manipulation of public opinion to brand the victimized minority as the aggressor;

Demonization of the Tibetan minority’s chosen leaders, and refusal to negotiate with them;

Exaggerated emphasis on ethnic and religious differences and minimization of common or universal interests.

There’s no hypocrisy in Bizarro World, only mirror images, so the obvious similarities to Circus Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians don’t deeply trouble the DECLARATION pushers. Consequently, they can opine, without irony, that “Jews should not be party to the whitewashing of such a regime."

The real reason these charlatans are belly-aching about China is to exert pressure on China’s “friendship” with Iran and Syria - and to blow smoke about Islamist violence in southern Sudan to curry favor with Christian Zionists. In Bizarro World, Israel’s associations with – to name a few - Apartheid South Africa, the Nicaraguan Contras, Jonas Savimbi, the Colombian right-wing death squads and, for that matter, China, don’t register.

As for the selective demand that Jewish jocks boycott the games (apparently gentile athletes wouldn’t have the moral fiber), who cares? Exactly what Olympic event will be diminished if Jews don’t suit up?

2008-04-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

EHUD OLMERT’S PLAYIN’ HARD-TO-GET

So why won’t Ehud Olmert give his phone number to Khaled Meshal? Everyone knows cool Khaled’s been begging their mutual friends to hook 'em up. But insiders tell Circus Israel our hunky PM's just not ready to go ALL THE WAY. CI’s LOL!! Sounds like Ehud just doesn’t want anything named after him. And the 'Hudster knows if he kicks it with Khaled, Shas will soooo leave him (like so-pious Eli Yishai isn’t hot for Khaled himself???). And then where’s an ex-PriMin gonna hang his kippah? Well, 'Hude-Dude, it’s not like your peeps wanna wait 4-evuh. All the facts of life ain’t on the ground, player. Everybody’s gotta put out – and pull out - eventually.

2008-04-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

WHO’S THE BIGGER CHUMP?

In the Israeli-American alliance, who’s getting punked – the bulked-up superpower or the combative ethnocracy? CI posed the question to an Israeli and an American.

Ari is a Canadian-born free-lance web designer residing in the Ariel settlement. He likes motorbikes, vigilante patrols and the color orange. Ari says:

EMPTY YOUR POCKETS! Where’s our money, America?? There’s serious Jewish poverty in Israel. For most of our 60 years, we’ve been your sheriff on the petroleum frontier. How much is that worth? Well, let’s see. If Joe Stiglitz is right, Iraq is draining you of 3 trillion bucks, and it’s a long way from over. Let’s say he’s only half-right. Where’s our trillion-five? For all the sand and blood you didn’t swallow before 2003. And what’ve we got for our trouble? $100 billion? Maybe another $20 billion off the books? And how much of that chump change just went to your arms industry anyway? You obviously can’t do your own bag jobs. You can’t put a ship in a Yemeni harbor or a barrack in Lebanon without getting yourself blown up. You played Chuck Norris in Iraq, but you had no bleeding script. Now your military’s tied down like Gulliver and your gas is jumping past 4 bucks a gallon. But we’re still on the job, aren’t we? That was an IAF operation in Syria, wasn’t it, big brother? Meanwhile, no one, including Iran, is opening a second war front in the neighborhood, are they? That ain’t because of you, you clown. We live on the edge, everyone loathes us, you block our deals with the Chinese, but you still want a discount? Pay up, you deadbeat asshole!

Kevin is a 4th-year metallurgy major at Virginia Tech University. He likes dirt bikes, Dungeons & Dragons and Sam Adams in long-neck bottles. Kevin says:

GROW UP! Happy 60th birthday, moocher. Does this mean you're old enough to pay for your own ethnic cleansing party? We realize you don’t think we have anything better to do with our soldiers and money, but this targeted assassination number we did on Saddam has become a full-blown occupation purgatory. It just doesn’t leave much to finance your Jerusalem/West Bank building boom and make your contractors richer than they already are. And why do you keep begging for more and more? So your little cult can have its theme park. Not just minus everyone else, but minus borders. In case you haven’t noticed, modern states have some goddamn boundaries. Hey, the Bible ain’t a property deed, but if you want to treat it like one, pay for your own hallucination. We don’t really care if you control every aquifer, every hilltop, every olive tree and every tourist-magnet-in-a-tomb. You’re addicted to conflict and you cause more blowback than a drunk puking out a car window. Fuck you and the narcissism you rode in on!

2008-04-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IZZY!

Hey, buddy, it's your 60th birthday - the Big Six-Oh! - and we just wanted you to know we really love you, man. It hasn't always been easy, with the land problems and all. But you've always been straight with us, dude, so we all chipped in to get you what we thought you'd like. Here it is, man - all the land from the river to the sea, plus the Golan and Shebaa Farms and the Sinai. And we didn't want you to think we cheaped out, so we got a gift certificate if you want some more. We couldn't afford the whole region, but you can have southern Lebanon up to the Litani if you want, and you can take some of Jordan, too, if that'd be cool. And no worries about expelling us or anything. We'll leave tonight and we'll send somebody around to get our stuff after we settle into our refugee camps. Sorry if sometimes we misunderstood where you were coming from, Izzy. You always kept it real, dude, and we just needed a little time to catch up to it. It's really been awesome hangin' out with you, man. Don't be a stranger. Anytime you need some weed or something, just give us a jingle.

Your homies,

The Hamas, Islamic Jihad, the Al Aqsa Martyrs, Fatah, the Palestinian Authority, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, the Committee of Arab Mayors in Israel, the Islamic Movement in Israel, Azmi Bishara, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine, Hezbollah, the Syrian Arab Republic, the Arab Republic of Egypt, the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood, the Lebanese Republic, the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and the Provisional Government of Iraq.

PS - Take good care of Jerusalem, man. We're gonna miss her.

2008-04-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

ASK THE RABBI

Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. (Regarding the loose talk in Ramat Beit Shamesh, the Rabbi informs us that his son’s broken nose was the result of a davening accident.)

Shalom, Rabbi. Can you recommend a good mobile phone for me? I am taking part-time office work to supplement my husband’s Torah allotment and our child allowances.
Batya, from Modi’in Ilit.

Shalom, Batya. First, I approve of your working in support of your husband’s studies, so long as you avoid heretical influences. Now, let us get to the business at hand. You are apparently a pious Jewish woman for whom only a kosher mobile telephone would be acceptable. As you may know from my teachings, I am an authorized Motorola (Mirs) distributor in the Land of Israel. While I do not wish to influence your purchase in any way, the Motorola product was the first mobile telephone approved by the appropriate rabbinical authorities and it is, of course, an excellent instrument. That is not to suggest, however, that Nokia and Telit have failed to provide an acceptable alternative for the impious. The Telit X60, for example, is not a terrible device.

And while we are on the subject, let us consider the proper purposes of a mobile telephone. Naturally, your husband may need to communicate with you about Halakhic matters or his expectations of you. In addition, however, you may observe IDF stormtroopers moving to expel righteous Jews from their so-called “outpost.” Your duty is to use your mobile telephone to summon the faithful to obstruct this atrocity. Similarly, you may encounter a demonstration or other terror activity by arabs or their leftist dupes. In that case, your obligation is to summon the IDF to defend the Jewish People. I must tell you that such situations have caused me to ponder whether a camera telephone might be consistent with Torah, to capture the images of those who threaten the Land of Israel, for later punishment. I am consulting the commentaries on this and will advise you when my reflections culminate. In summary, if I can assist you in the purchase of a Motorola mobile telephone, please feel free to contact me on my Motorola mobile telephone. Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I seek your advice in the strictest confidence. I no longer wish to perform the reproductive act with my husband. He doesn’t give the slightest consideration to my enjoyment. I am taking part-time office work to avoid him. Is this sinful, Rabbi?
Batya, from Modi’in Ilit.

Shalom, Batya. I must tell you, I just received an inquiry from another Batya from Modi’in Ilit. Such coincidences bless the life of a Rabbi! But on to your inquiry. Surely you are aware of your obligations to your husband, particularly to relieve him of shameful urges that divert him from his studies. Of course, he has responsibilities to you as well, so that you will join with him earnestly to fulfill the purpose of your marriage and preserve the reputation of your matchmaker. You do not provide details, but perhaps your husband has failed to encircle your conjugal bed with powder, or has recited the names of the 12 sons of Jacob incorrectly during the procreative act. Such misdeeds can be corrected with sufficient concentration by both parties. And this must occur, lest the profligate wombs of backward arab women usurp us from the Land of Israel. Be not confused, Batya. Every creature reproduces, from the inquisitive giraffe to the treacherous moslem to the frivolous chloinim in Tel Aviv with their chukos hagoyim. But only a virtuous Jewish mother can yield the pious Jews that will expand our domain to infinity and beyond. I hope these remarks help you reap the enjoyment of the marital bed. Blessed be he.

2008-04-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

THE SETTLER RATES THE MOVIES

Circus Israel asked Yesha Council veteran Pinhas Wallerstein, a patriarch of the settlements, to review films for Jewish viewers. Here’s what he said about some of the classics.

The Godfather I & II – “Sheer anti-semitism. What they did to Moe Green. This proud Jew, who made the desert bloom. The goyim want to buy him out? When Moe says, ‘No, I’ll buy YOU out!,’ I wept without shame. Not only do they exterminate Moe Green, they kill their own brother because he showed respect to a Jew. And Hyman Roth! Envy torments these Italians until they annihilate him. But who triumphs from all this terror? The Pacino brother...Michael, the one who marries outside his own race. They claim this film is about family and identity, but this little Jew-hating shit can’t find an Italian wife? Who ever heard of such a thing? But where does he go when he needs protection? To Italy. To his own people. And still the left says Israel isn’t for the Jews!”

Rocky I – “This’s what cinema should be. Obviously a metaphor for the Jewish experience. Downtrodden and despised, he batters an overwhelming enemy, an enemy with every conceivable advantage. Rocky taught that arrogant black terrorist the essential lesson - if you strike me, you’ll pay in blood many times over. Jabotinsky could’ve made this movie. But I have to tell you, I didn’t understand the two turtles. A metaphor for the conflict, perhaps? The sons of Abraham? Then they belong in separate bowls, one for the Jewish turtle, the Arab turtle goes to Jordan.”

The Graduate – “A very painful indictment of the diaspora. All that driving back and forth. Hoffman should be in Judea, putting roots in the homeland and underwriting real estate. So Anne Bancroft has to run around in her underwear? She has to go practically naked to seduce the young man? Zambish says this’s what Mel Brooks gets for marrying outside the faith.”

The Ten Commandments – “We just lost Charlton Heston. My heart aches. A great friend of Israel. He loved guns, all kinds, six-shooters, assault weapons. He understood the primal attachment. Whatever he was, he made a beautiful Jew. I can’t say very much about the movie. I haven’t seen it in years.”

The Sound of Music – “Don’t get me started on those Austrians.”

The Wizard of Oz – “A story of surrender. When Dorothy returned to Kansas, I was sick at heart. There was the land of Oz, right under her feet. Seize it, dear God, seize it. Expel the Munchkins. Play the good witch against the bad. Make facts on the ground. I understand the lion was a coward, but give him proper armament, reliable intelligence and night vision goggles, he’ll roar like a Maccabee.”

2008-04-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

PROPERTY AVAILABLE - LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!

Location is everything in Circus Israel – and prime locations are yours for the taking! You’re Jewish? Then just look around. The options are dazzling! East Jerusalem, East of the Green Line, East of the Wall, or anywhere in Eretz Israel an Arab can be dispossessed, hemmed in, blocked off or just plain dominated. It’s all on the market for Jews worldwide. Bad credit? No worries. Your credit comes from God. No money? Exactly!! How big will the houses be? Hey, forget about square feet, meters, hectares, dunums, acres and all the rest of that linear distraction. We’re talking location. Geo-political location. Facts-on-the ground location. Eternal location. Tired of the urban rat-race? Spread out in the Jordan Valley. Crave the urban rat-race? Surround a casbah with sheer numbers of righteous Jews. Amenities? Build what you want, where you want, water it in the sunshine, spew as you wish. The sky’s the limit! And don’t forget to dump your trash on you-know-who. But hurry. The Pals are multiplying. As the Yesha Council teaches us - location, location, location.

2008-03-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL'S COMPLAINT & HELP LINE IS READY

Circus Israel’s new National Complaint and Help Line has completed its testing phase with flying colors. Now, anyone with a cellphone, landline or VOIP connection can easily obtain official information or assistance by dialing 211. This is what you’ll hear:

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

[3 is pressed]

“If you’re not an Arab, press 2. If you are, press 484329103 twice without pausing between any numbers, then wait 7 seconds and press the same sequence backwards, pausing either 2, 4 or 16 seconds between numbers, depending upon the security situation. You must alternate hands when pressing each number. However, if you begin with your left hand, do not complete dialing with your right hand if you are a male under 45 years of age or a female who has given birth. If you cough while dialing, begin the sequence again, but not today.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed without coughing]

“The sequence you pressed is not recognized. Please dial a recognized sequence.”

[the Arab sequence is again pressed without coughing]

“If you really must persist, say `I must persist’ flawlessly in Hebrew.

[“I must persist” is spoken in Hebrew]

“All representatives are currently unavailable or have not been connected to the Complaint and Help Line. If this is an emergency, repeat the earlier dialing sequence to repeat this message.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed again, with brief coughing]

“Your coughing is not a humanitarian crisis. You are attempting to sway international opinion against the State of Israel. No nation on earth would permit this aggression. Press 7 to apologize.”

[7 is pressed]

“That was insincere and solely intended to buy time to re-arm the terror infrastructure. Press and say 5 simultaneously to demonstrate sincerity. Or press 8 for other humiliation.”

[8 is pressed]

“Remove your clothing, put your hands behind your head and place your identity papers in your mouth. Do not move unless directed to do so by a soldier or border policeman. After 45 minutes in a bent-over position, you may terminate this call by saying ‘terminate this call’ in Mandarin Chinese spoken with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada.”

[after the required interval, “terminate this call” is spoken in Mandarin Chinese with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada]

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

2008-03-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

THE ART OF FALSE NEGOTIATONS

Circus Israel’s revered national game, faux negotiations with the Palestinians, is on again – and as fresh as ever. We talk and we take, while the clock ticks away. And when the sun goes down, Circus Israel’s a little larger and Mohammed’s a little more exhausted.

But is it as easy at it looks? We spoke with Circus Israel’s current ringmaster and head bullshit artist, Ehud Olmert. Here’s how he plays the game…

EO: Listen, Abbas knows my end game. More land, fewer Arabs. That’s it. But we meet anyway, for Condoleeza Brown Rice and the European Union. We talk. I kill time. We talk. I kill more time. Anything I can do to stall. I stall like a yeshiva boy outside the girls’ toilet. If I didn’t have some fun with it, I’d go crazy. I floss my teeth, I start sobbing, I laugh like a monkey, I text Livni with raunchy jokes. I make us exercise, half an hour, as much as they’ll take. I told Erekat, “You’re so fat, Saeb. Sweat, goddamn you!” Oy, the things that pop out of my mouth. “Mahmoud, let’s give each other a massage.” “Hey, who’s this Guitar Hero I keep hearing about?” But seriously, when I just can’t take anymore, I run some jeeps into Tulkarm for a shoot-up and the Pals go pout for a few days. Look, it is what it is. They can’t take a hint, so we do what we have to. It makes the time pass.

Circus Israel: Aren’t you concerned they’ll call your bluff and agree to your terms?

EO: My terms? My terms are bubbles. You can hardly see them – then poof.

CI: But seriously –

EO: Listen, this’ll never end. Even if they agreed to leave, who says they’d stay away?

CI; What about Sderot and Ashkelon? If this conflict never ends –

EO: Sderot and Ashkelon are waging the eternal struggle of the Jewish People by making our enemies look bad. We all have to sacrifice. I have to get a sore tuchus listening to Ahmed Queria. Hey, how about a massage?

2008-03-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

PALESTINIAN WEAPONS SUPERIORITY GROWS

Because the shooter at the Mercaz Herav yeshiva was an Israeli Arab, it’s clear that the Palestinians have a far greater advantage in Self-Destructing Weapons (SDW) than previously estimated. On the assumption that every Arab in the territories is an SDW, Circus Israel’s military establishment had quantified the Palestinian SDW stockpile at approximately 3.5 million. After the yeshiva attack, however, officials have conceded that Arab citizens of Israel must be counted, bringing the Palestinian SDW arsenal to at least 5 million. In contrast, the Jews of Circus Israel, who enjoy feeding the Palestinians their own medicine, have yet to develop a credible SDW. As former Chief of Staff Moshe Yaalon acknowledges, “We follow General Patton’s maxim that no son-of-a-bitch wins a war dying for his country, but by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. But this hasn’t really fulfilled our strategic objectives. We seem to do better just taking their land.” Under pressure from the Shas party, which threatened to leave the governing coalition unless the massive SDW imbalance is eliminated, Defense Minister Ehud Barak has attempted to purchase SDWs from Thailand, Romania and other potential suppliers. Other than a delivery of 2 million human kidneys from Brazil, these efforts have been unsuccessful. “Asymmetrical warfare is completely unfair to Israel,” declared Internal Security Minister Avi Dichter. “When we’re on the short end, I mean.”

2008-03-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

MATAN VILNAI ESSAY CONTEST

MK and Deputy Minister of Defense Matan Vilnai has threatened the Gaza Strip with a "holocaust." Genocidal threats always put Circus Israel in a reflective mood, so we’re proud to inaugurate the Matan Vilnai Essay Contest, open to all righteous Jews. In honor of General Vilnai’s bachelor’s degree in General History (as well as his tenure as Chairman of the Minsterial Committee on the Affairs of Arab Citizens - we're not making this up), our topic is: “Chosen People or Master Race?” Compare and contrast, fulminate and self-congratulate. All entries must be anonymous, misspelled and bursting with prophecy. The author of the winning essay will receive a blindfold and the runner-up can follow the winner around.

2008-03-08T16:03:00.001-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL LAMENTS PURIM TRAGEDY

On the day of Purim, February 25, 1994, Dr. Baruch Goldstein killed 29 praying Arabs and wounded 150 more with a machine-gun at the Tomb of the Patriarchs. All of Circus Israel no doubt mourns this senseless loss of life, as it does more recent tragedies.

2008-03-05T21:45:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL PERSONALS

Dominant male white Zionist Entity seeks partner for one-sided conflict resolution. I am powerful and fixated, yet profoundly complex and achingly poetic. You must be servile, desperate and repugnant to everyone. I love long, romantic walks on your land, sipping water from your aquifers, winter rain on a checkpoint, all-night talks about why I won’t talk, reviewing combat errors and window-shopping. You adore construction and fruit-picking. Turn-offs – non-Jewish head coverings, non-Jewish falafel and non-Jews. Come, let’s make a lasting arrangement with deep tunnels and soaring walls. Explore with me the small and crowded spaces that will be your home. We’ll dance madly to Hatikvah as we say farewell! (Dov Weisglass says, "No fatties!")

2008-02-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL WILL ARRANGE “WAR DATE ™”

Circus Israel knows the USA wants to have some quality belligerence time with Iran, but just can’t find room in its hectic combat schedule to squeeze in another active conflict. And as the world’s only nation without ulterior motives, we want to help. So we’ve blended our proven military and incitement skills to create the most exciting service in international relations today - War Date ™! Just leave the arrangements to us. War Date™ heightens tensions, spreads disinformation, undermines rapproachment and has you fighting in a jiffy. War Date™ delivers a sure-fire answer to every question a weak-kneed nation’ll ask. “Is there really a threat (You bet!)?” “Should we explore mutual interests (“There are none – they’re not like you!)?” “Should we hit them now (Of course - it saves lives!)?” We’ll even launch the first strike to get things rockin’! Nothing gets you from doubt to doomsday faster than War Date™. Not convinced? Look at how we’ve shredded that wacky National Intelligence Estimate in the States. In fact, if the US doesn’t bitch-slap Iran in 24 months or less, we’ll refund your War Date ™ fee (except where prohibited by Israeli law). And if you’re a little short on war toys, just ask us. On a per-capita basis, nobody makes more or better instruments of destruction than gritty little Circus Israel. So try War Date™! There’s no time to lose.

2008-02-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL’S OBAMA PROBLEM

Why are so many in Circus Israel trashing American presidential candidate Barak Hussein Obama? Two words: camel jockey. Whatever he says in that smooth way of his, he’s a camel jockey here. You don’t have to go to a Beitar Jerusalem football match to get the idea. It’s all over the Circus. And if somebody here tells you otherwise, they’re lying. Camel jockey. Towel-head. Wog. Which is why Circus Israel will test him if he’s elected. We’ll demand something he truly doesn’t want to give. We’ll make him bend over backwards to repudiate his camel jockey-ness. Like we do with the rest of the jockeys.

2008-02-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

ASK THE RABBI

Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions.

Shalom, Rabbi. An Arab has offered to sell me a set of 4 Pirelli Scorpion all-terrain tires with outlined white lettering. Is it permissible to buy these tires from an Arab? I drive a 2006 Toyota Tundra Crew Max 4x4. Mordechai, from Alfe Menashe.

Shalom, Mordechai. The Scorpion is a very fine tire. I was tempted, but installed Michelin LTX A/T2s on my 2007 GMC Yukon 4WD. Also a very fine tire. I understand, however, that your inquiry is not principally automotive in nature. You pose a question for which the Talmud has a ready answer. I have scoured the tractates and must advise that it would be absolutely inconceivable to purchase these goods from an idolatrous Arab in the Land of Israel. However, I am persuaded that the pious 17th-century Rabbi Shabbtay Kohen would frame this question: is the Pirelli Scorpion available at a comparable price from a Jewish source? If not, then I am convinced that the illustrious Rabbi Sofer of Pressburg would suggest that a righteous Jew might urge the Arab to lease the tire to him for a period in excess of the useful life of the tire. The Arab could then be expelled to Gaza. Blessed be He.

2008-02-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

FREE TICKETS TO CIRCUS ISRAEL

Can’t run away to join Circus Israel? Can’t make aliyah? Hey, we understand. Even though net immigration can’t match the Arab birth rate, we understand. Not everyone has the time to gather with the rest of God’s Chosen People to revere and defend the Holy Land for all eternity. Maybe you’ve assimilated and you’re like a goy now. Maybe you’re just a chicken. Fine. No worries. We’ll make aliyah for you.

That’s right. Every Sunday, we pull 18 lucky Jewish names out of a big black hat and make them instant citizens of Eretz Israel. If we pull your name, you’re in. It’s as simple as that.

What’s more, we’ve reserved a big shipping container for you in Judea or Sumeria. We connect it to the electric grid, pave a Jewish-only road to your pre-fab synagogue and protect it with the toughest and purest fighting force in the world. And you pay nothing. Just occupy your new land in three months or we come get you. The easy way or the hard way.

Frankly, we’re a little disappointed in your lack of Zionist fervor. It’s kind of sad that we need to convince you that you’re not really welcome or safe anywhere but here. We’re a tribe (in fact, the gold standard of tribes), and a tribe should stick together and keep everyone else at arm’s length. Because what makes us different is what truly defines us - and whatever is universal about us is irrelevant and un-Jewish. You’re either us or against us.

So pack your suitcase. We’re taking names.

2008-02-12T20:52:00.001-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL FLEXES MUSCLES

With Qassam rockets causing more injuries in Sderot, Circus Israel is, as always, left with no humanly conceivable option but increased force. Since force has never failed to solve our problems, and since Qassams are the latest pretext for not negotiating with our adversaries, our ringmasters have begun the ritual dance of death. Declared Meir Sheetrit, Circus Israel’s ultra-virile Interior Minister, “The IDF needs to wipe out a neighborhood in Gaza.” To show he meant business, Sheetrit burned his forearm with a cigarette.

Inflamed by Sheetrit’s fervor, hard guy Defense Minister Ehud Barak lit firecrackers in his mouth and ass. Catching the power, Infrastructure Minister and Bully Boy Benjamin Ben-Eliezer snorted cleaning solvent and rammed his motorcycle thru a store window. Roughneck Vice Premier Haim Ramon unleashed a prodigious bowel movement. The fire spread, as he-man Interior Security Minister Avi Dichter waterboarded himself, while bonebreaking Housing & Construction Minister Zeev Boim squeezed a lump of coal into a diamond between his chiseled thighs, and Deputy PM and terminator Shaul Mofaz, working with a quieter intensity, slipped across our non-border armed with a sharpened menorah.

Feeling the passion, and a potential electoral deficit, opposition leader and bad-ass Bibi Netanayu bashed beer cans on his forehead, reprising his American experience. Man-Mountain Effie Eitam squashed his own testicles with all his might and tough guy Avigdor Lieberman ripped a Haifa phonebook in half, symbolically severing the Jewish and Arabic communities. The diaspora felt the sizzle, too, as ADL honcho and palooka Abe Foxman ran to his car without a sweater.

The drums are pounding, the armor is simmering and the time is coming to sear a lesson into the Palestinian consciousness. It works like a charm.

2008-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

OUTDOOR ART GALLERY A RESOUNDING SUCCESS!! After Circus Israel generously donated the "Art Wall" to the non-Jewish guests of Eretz Israel, dozens of exhibitors have dodged IDF gunfire to showcase their work.

2008-02-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL TALKS WITH “DREAM ARAB”

The votes are in! Jewish TV viewers choose the Arab of Their Dreams. Circus Israel chats with Nabila Hatem.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Nabila, tell us about yourself.

NABILA HATEM: Like I’ve been saying, I’m anti-semitic. It’s really all there is to know about me. I’m basically just an anti-semitic young woman. I spend all my time being anti-semitic. Morning, noon and night. Sometimes, I forget to eat, and when someone tells me I might get sick, I yell at them - “Can’t you see I’m busy being anti-semitic!” I don’t like when anything interferes with my anti-semitism. I don’t care about work, or having things or being healthy, and I don’t care about my family or my community. I’m just anti-semitic. Sometimes I even wish my children would all go away, so I can use every second for my anti-semitism. All my friends feel the same way. We just don’t care about anything except hating Jews. Why? Because. It’s in our blood.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: So now that you’re Israel’s Dream Arab, what’s next?

NABILA HATEM: I’ll just keep trying to push Jews into the sea, I guess. What else would I do?

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Well, thanks for fulfilling our dreams.

NABILA HATEM: You’re welcome. Death to the Jews.

2008-02-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

LETTER FROM PEACE CAMP

Dear Mom and Dad,

I hate Peace Camp! Please come take me home. This camp sucks!!!

There’s no camp spirit at all. Everyone just mopes around. Not that I blame them, since the Arab camp never has anything good to say about us. We’ve told them a hundred times that we’re thinking about getting ready to consider some kind of procedure for setting up a process to define parameters for talking about talking about preliminary principles. Nothing satisfies them. It just pisses me off.

Take last Monday, for example. We invited a famous novelist to come talk about our precarious existential condition and what does the Arab camp do? They lobbed shit over the fence. Again. It just makes everybody mad, and that makes it even harder to help them. They never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity to suck up to us kids in Peace Camp. Well, if they’re just going to throw shit at us, I don’t even want to try anymore. Basically, I use my free time to masturbate.

I sure thought Peace Camp would be a lot easier. I came fully prepared to posture about painful concessions, but these Arab jerks actually expect me to make some. Yeah, right. Like I’m going to tell the settlers to move. They’d kick my ass. And then what? I really can’t stand the Arabs for making me feel impotent like that.

In fact, I think we should just attack the Arab camp one night and beat the shit out of them. I mean really stomp them. Then they’ll start behaving themselves and we can all have some peace and quiet. I know it’ll work. Yaron London said it will. It would work on him.

Shalom. And please send more halvah.
Moshe

2008-02-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

CHECKPOINT GREETERS WANTED

Effervescent young performers are invited to audition for Greeter openings in the Checkpoint Entertainment Program. Singers, dancers, comics, clowns, jugglers, mimes, ventriloquists, ultra-orthodox rituals and novelty acts of every kind encouraged to apply. No act is too zany. We’re looking for high energy and irresistible charm – whatever it takes to make the grumpiest Arab smile when the lines slow down. Competitive salary and full benefits, plus a guaranteed share of property seized. Arabic fluency not required, as long as your performance says “We’re the nicest occupiers in the whole world!” Call the Defense Ministry for an appointment.

2008-02-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

Circus Israel Accident Prone – Loses Insurance

It’s well known throughout the entire world that we are the unluckiest people ever. No matter how spotless our Jewish hearts may be, no matter how responsibly we behave, none of our good deeds go unpunished. Something always goes wrong, some accident we couldn’t have predicted in 5000 years. And now the insurance company wants to cancel our coverage. “Too many accidents,” they say. Why does He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named (really, it's God)forsake us so?

It all started when Supreme Court President Dorit Beinisch opened her big mouth. She says – in writing! – that Circus Israel sometimes accidentally hurts civilians when we act in justifiable self-defense. So the insurance company starts nosing around and, sure enough, they fixate on the accidents. Of course, they trot out the one-ton bomb we dropped on Shehadeh’s building and blame us for the baked children. Hindsight is so easy. It was an accident, a freak million-to-one surprise. And nobody was more surprised that people actually lived there than Circus Israel.

Then these insurance company bookkeepers dredge up all the dead bystanders at targeted assassinations, the dead knuckleheads who approach the Security Wall, the dead goofballs that try to catch our artillery shells, the dead curfew violators, the dead medical cases and dead pregnant women and stillborns at the checkpoints, the dead international meddlers, the dead demonstrators, and all the other accidental dead that completely shocked us every time. Why are we the only people in the history of the world to be second-guessed for everything?

It’s not as though this insurance company has paid a lot of compensation. Circus Israel doesn’t compensate. But if we ever do, for public relations purposes, where will we get the money? We’ll have to bother our friends in real estate development, liquor distribution and bingo parlors. All because of some cockamamie accidents that nobody in his right mind could have seen coming.

2008-02-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

CIRCUS ISRAEL GUEST EDITORIAL
By Gen. Uzi Orluzi (Res.)

The Winograd Committee completely missed the point. There’s no one to blame for the failure of Lebanon II, because there was no failure. Circus Israel fought a war. That’s what we do. We fight with Arabs. It’s our collective identity. There’s no failure when we fight with Arabs. For us, war is its own victory. It focuses us and relieves our anxieties. It’s energizing. It’s tough-Jew.

Look, where did we get this hubris about zero casualties? This fantasy of the perfectly executed war? Do we think we’re the New England Patriots? Circus Israel doesn’t need perfection to deter the neighbors. We killed more than a thousand Lebanese, and most of them had nothing to do with the border skirmish that became our pretext. That’s deterrent. That’s why no nation has challenged Circus Israel in 35 years. We’re psycho.

Israeli casualties? Absolutely necessary. Anyone can wage war without losses. But when we lose some boys, and keep on picking fights, we prove something. We love to rumble, and rumble to love.

Most of us know a guy like Circus Israel. Self-absorbed. Infallible. Hyper-sensitive. Volcanic. Something sets him off, the whole place gets trashed. Who wants to fight with this guy? Who wants to be in the same room? It’s not worth it. That’s deterrent. Hey, we sunk the Liberty – and that was an ally.

Remember what Nasrallah said. He just wanted a couple bargaining chips. If he’d known Circus Israel would go berserk over it, he wouldn’t have done it. Well, he should’ve known. We were due for a brawl. Overdue. Don’t kid yourself, Judge Winograd. Lebanon II was a smash. Put that in your report.

2008-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

Sharon’s Erection Still Stands Tall

Circus Israel Exclusive!

Like the high ground he always captured, Ariel Sharon still rears up defiantly. His avenging erection (“Big Arik”) has never faltered. So claim knowledgeable sources, who ask not to be identified because they aren’t authorized to discuss penises. What’s more, the PM’s boner has never required medical intervention to remain engorged. It just is. Fearsome, resolute and crafty, it will never submit, never be pushed into the sea. Sources assert it’s every bit as turgid as the hard-on that stormed the Mitla Pass and annihilated Qibya. In fact, the PM purportedly continues to wage demographic war, allegedly fathering three children from his deep sleep. According to sources, sensitive audio devices have detected Big Arik declaring it will not relax until terror and incitement have ceased forever.

2008-01-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

BEATLES CAN COME IN THROUGH BATHROOM WINDOW

In a shocking reversal of a decades-old policy, the surviving Beatles are now welcome in Circus Israel. Many Israelis call this a catastrophic tactical, strategic and existential blunder. “After the Beatles went to the States, there was integration and the peace movement,” noted a prominent Likud MK. “That’s a direct threat to the existence of the Jewish State.” Said an Israel Beiteinu MK, “It’s anti-semitism. Both the old kind and the new kind.” He compared Paul McCartney to Hitler, Arafat, Ahmadinejad and Saddam Hussein. The PM brushed these criticisms aside, emphasizing that neither Beatle would be admitted without renouncing violence, adhering to all prior agreements and acknowledging Circus Israel’s right to exist. A spokesperson for Ringo Starr responded that Mr. Starr was too overcome with gratitude to issue a formal statement.

2008-01-29T21:01:00.000-08:00

Best Ultimate Fighting in Eretz Israel!!!

Bring your crew and kick some ass!!

Every Sunday at the J-Dome.

You bring the clubs – We bring the Enemy.

Our promise to you –

Your posse will face a genuine Arab shepherd, leftist or queer – No Fakes!!

We maintain a strict 20:1 ratio. You will NEVER attack without a full posse of 20 righteous Jews – and you will NEVER face more than one enemy at a time.

IDF always on duty for your protection.

Child care available.

The olives and sheep are yours to keep!!

Monday night is Ladies Nite!!!! Break their bones, gals!!!!

Every Tuesday - the Haredim Hustle – Ramat Beit Shemesh defends its title - All day long!!!

And don’t miss our Purim Tournament. Compete against the best from Kiryat Arba, Hebron, Kfar Tapuach - and the Wandering Jews of Netzarim. See if you can trim an Arab like the big boys!!!

2008-01-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

IDENTITY CRISIS IN GAZA

Gaza, Gaza, what are we going to do with you? Do you actually expect us to live like you? When you lob these Qassams at Sderot, we live in dread. Well, Circus Israel doesn’t dread. We cause dread. We don’t take consequences, we give them. That’s why we have war planes, helicopter gunships, drones, artillery and armored vehicles. That’s why we use them. So that you’ll live in dread until you just can’t stand it. Then you’ll go away. Why can’t you understand this? The whole reason Circus Israel threw you out was to live like winners. If we’re going to be anxiety-ridden and depressed like you, what’s next? Negotiations? Circus Israel doesn’t negotiate. We dictate. That’s it.

OK, look, here’s a deal for you. We offer this NOT because you’re such a pain in the ass, but because we’re the best people on this planet, period. Now listen - Chief Rabbi Metzger is willing to relocate you in a brand new state in Sinai. As he says, you’ll have everything – “trains, buses, cars,” whatever. Free of charge. Rabbi Metzger says it’ll be “like in Arizona.” Arizona! That’s right next to California! What more can you want? That’s it.

OK, listen, the Rebbe didn’t mention this, but we’ll even dig you a Grand Canyon, “like in Arizona.” A tourism magnet, baby. Donkey rides, helicopter rides – no, no helicopter rides. We can’t let you leave the ground. Security reasons. Anyway, donkey rides.

Thank Rabbi Metzger for this. From his own pocket, he gives you Egyptian land and makes a big suburb for you with American and European money. You win, we win. And don’t start whining about your attachment to a particular piece of land. That’s strictly for Jews. That’s it.

2008-01-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

Circus Israel's acclaimed Dubi Brothers - fearlessly creating facts on the ground without sunblock!!

2008-01-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

CASTING CALL…

Settler women and girls, ages 15-29, needed for Circus Israel production of a feature film, “The Manson Family in Judea” (Charlie, Squeaky and the rest of Charlie’s Girls break jail and redeem the land). 4 speaking and shrieking roles available. Extras also needed for evacuation scenes. Looking for helter-skelter types, capable of maniacal frenzy and bottomless despair. If your eyes have those high-beam headlights, please call and demand an audition at Masada whenever you feel it should be. Must be able to distinguish cinema from real life.