Sunday, October 19, 2008


Avigdor Lieberman, head of the Yisrael Beiteinu Party, and OJ Simpson, the former American football star, announced they have signed a formal agreement to “advance mutual interests in Israel and the United States.” The two symbolically shook hands through a video hook-up between Simpson’s jail cell in Las Vegas, Nevada and a bar in the riot-torn Israeli city of Acre, where Lieberman is working temporarily as a bouncer.

“Juice brings a very special energy to the table,” Lieberman said. “If somebody has what belongs to him, he goes after it. That’s it. No fucking around. Just what the Jewish People need.” Lieberman explained that OJ would provide motivational speaking services via the internet until pressure from right-wing Jews and Christian Zionists secured his release. Simpson would also grant Yisrael Beiteinu a license to sell OJ bobbleheads in the familiar combat garb of the Hilltop Youth or the righteous black of ultra-orthodox yeshiva boys.

Simpson himself wore a yamulka and jewel-encrusted Star of David as he flashed the irrepressible smile that has illuminated his life on the world stage. “Shalom and peace to all my friends in Israel,” he enthused. “And bin Laden, you best not let me get my hands on you.” OJ stood for the camera when Lieberman noted that his jail-issue jumpsuit featured the same vivid orange of the settlers’ movement to redeem the Land of Israel.

Asked what he expected from his partnership with Lieberman, Simpson said “anything they can do for my sentencing judge would be appreciated.” Insisting on his innocence, despite his recent kidnapping conviction, OJ conceded that he’s “kind of jammed-up right now.” He added that Lieberman’s organization “understands that somebody’s trying to keep me down, just like the Jews. ‘Dor gets it, man.”

Lieberman and Simpson first met three years ago at the annual Compulsive Attention Seekers’ Happening in Miami Beach. Lieberman was immediately impressed by Simpson’s shameless posturing. “I’m telling you, OJ’s a world class camera magnet. It’s in his blood. We hit it off right away.”

Simpson found Lieberman equally compelling. “‘Dor’s just an amazing publicity hound, man. It’s like he’s not even trying. You can’t coach that. That’s pure God-given talent.”

Lieberman brushed aside questions about the civil verdict against Simpson for the death of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman. “Listen, Nicole wasn’t even Jewish, so what’s it got to do with Arab pogroms in Acre? You can’t compare a family quarrel this with terror. This’s outrageous.” For his part, Simpson assured Jews that nothing he may or may not have done was motivated by anti-semitism. “It wasn’t like that. If I did Ron Goldman, it wasn’t because he was Jewish. The dude was drilling my woman.”

Lieberman indicated he would bring OJ Simpson to Acre if he were released. “You want buzz? I’m telling you, two sleaze-balls like us, we’d light this town up like an Iraqi oil well. Even the Arabs’d want our autographs before they go live in Jordan or whatever.”

As Lieberman terminated the conversation to exchange currency and un-labeled beverages with a group of Russian-speaking men, Simpson flashed a peace sign. “Florida’s got the oranges, but Jerusalem’s got the Juice!” he gushed.

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