Saturday, August 22, 2009


For reasons that are murky – and probably sinister – the Jewish People have acquired a reputation for demonizing any criticism of the Jewish State. The inference is that we evade responsibility and justify anything we do, no matter how repugnant. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. We enthusiastically welcome constructive criticism. However, certain recent events – the appearance of Rachel Corrie’s mother at the San Francisco Film festival, the histrionics of leftist cults like Breaking the Silence and New Profile, the libelous slurs of academics at various universities in the US (William Robinson at the University of California, Santa Barbara, for instance), the UK, (witness the execrable Hilary Rose), Canada (the flagrant Jew-haters in the CUPE) and Israel (e.g., the traitors, Neve Gordon and Noah Slor at Ben-Gurion University), the lunatic ravings of Arab Israelis (MK Ahmed Tibi, for one) and self-hating Israeli Jews (Ezra Nawi, naturally) and misguided references to the so-called “Nakba” in Israeli textbooks – have simply not been constructive. They've been anti-semitic. They needed correction.

Nonetheless, although we are chosen, we're not perfect. It's “fair game” to discuss our shortcomings. To encourage such healthy discussion, we will provide examples of reasonable criticism of the State of Israel. Goyim should not hesitate to address the following Israeli deficiencies, so long as the content and tone of your discourse are not hurtful to our sensibilities.

1) Israel has not done everything possible to save the entire world from nuclear annihilation by Iran. Although Amadinejad and the bloodthirsty, Arab-like Persian mullahs unquestionably intend to slaughter most of the human race and enslave the survivors, Israel has failed to convince the world to annihilate the Iranians first.

2) Israel has failed to redeem all the Land of Israel for the exclusive enjoyment of the Jewish People. Israel has allowed the selfishness and perfidy of various intruders and their sponsors to obstruct our redemption - which is the sole reason the universe was created.

3) Israel has neglected to arm both sides of several international conflicts, thus depriving one side of the benefits of Israeli military technology. The People who gave the world Einstein, Freud and Marx now have a responsibility to fully share the products of Israel Military Industries and Elbit.

4) Israel has failed to help more Palestinians find jobs in London, Istanbul and New Jersey. We are working on this and will ask Irving Moskowitz, Sheldon Adelson and Haim Saban to fund a job board or something.

5) Israel hasn't always told the exact truth to non-Jews. This is entirely attributable to our security needs. And to the simple fact that we're very special and smart. And you couldn’t handle the truth anyway.

6) Israeli has only a couple of golf courses and they suck.

7) Israeli human traffickers aren't providing even a minimal education for the women they sell. As a result, these women have little value to their pimps after their erotic appeal wears out.

8) Israel has allowed far too many gentiles to learn Hebrew, undermining its function as a secret code. This jeopardizes our security and singularity. We recommend you study Navajo and leave our language to us.

9) Israel has failed to reach out to diaspora Jews living on other planets. Consequently, few extra-terrestrials have made aliyah to the Land of Israel.

10) Israel has not been sufficiently precise about the Arab-to-Jew ratio for purposes of prisoner exchanges. The official and precise ratio is hereby set at is 1100 to 1. The comparable ratio for casualty counts is 1,000,000 to 1. Also, the official and precise ceiling on the acceptable Arab population of the Land of Israel is 1. Or less.

11) Israelis have trained themselves to lick their own balls. While this has prevented intermarriage in many instances, it has made us appear self-absorbed.

12) Israel loves too much. We give and give and give, but where does it get us? Enough said.

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