Monday, February 25, 2008


Circus Israel knows the USA wants to have some quality belligerence time with Iran, but just can’t find room in its hectic combat schedule to squeeze in another active conflict. And as the world’s only nation without ulterior motives, we want to help. So we’ve blended our proven military and incitement skills to create the most exciting service in international relations today - War Date ™! Just leave the arrangements to us. War Date™ heightens tensions, spreads disinformation, undermines rapproachment and has you fighting in a jiffy. War Date™ delivers a sure-fire answer to every question a weak-kneed nation’ll ask. “Is there really a threat (You bet!)?” “Should we explore mutual interests (“There are none – they’re not like you!)?” “Should we hit them now (Of course - it saves lives!)?” We’ll even launch the first strike to get things rockin’! Nothing gets you from doubt to doomsday faster than War Date™. Not convinced? Look at how we’ve shredded that wacky National Intelligence Estimate in the States. In fact, if the US doesn’t bitch-slap Iran in 24 months or less, we’ll refund your War Date ™ fee (except where prohibited by Israeli law). And if you’re a little short on war toys, just ask us. On a per-capita basis, nobody makes more or better instruments of destruction than gritty little Circus Israel. So try War Date™! There’s no time to lose.


Why are so many in Circus Israel trashing American presidential candidate Barak Hussein Obama? Two words: camel jockey. Whatever he says in that smooth way of his, he’s a camel jockey here. You don’t have to go to a Beitar Jerusalem football match to get the idea. It’s all over the Circus. And if somebody here tells you otherwise, they’re lying. Camel jockey. Towel-head. Wog. Which is why Circus Israel will test him if he’s elected. We’ll demand something he truly doesn’t want to give. We’ll make him bend over backwards to repudiate his camel jockey-ness. Like we do with the rest of the jockeys.

Monday, February 18, 2008


Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions.

Shalom, Rabbi. An Arab has offered to sell me a set of 4 Pirelli Scorpion all-terrain tires with outlined white lettering. Is it permissible to buy these tires from an Arab? I drive a 2006 Toyota Tundra Crew Max 4x4.
Mordechai, from Alfe Menashe.

Shalom, Mordechai. The Scorpion is a very fine tire. I was tempted, but installed Michelin LTX A/T2s on my 2007 GMC Yukon 4WD. Also a very fine tire. I understand, however, that your inquiry is not principally automotive in nature. You pose a question for which the Talmud has a ready answer. I have scoured the tractates and must advise that it would be absolutely inconceivable to purchase these goods from an idolatrous Arab in the Land of Israel. However, I am persuaded that the pious 17th-century Rabbi Shabbtay Kohen would frame this question: is the Pirelli Scorpion available at a comparable price from a Jewish source? If not, then I am convinced that the illustrious Rabbi Sofer of Pressburg would suggest that a righteous Jew might urge the Arab to lease the tire to him for a period in excess of the useful life of the tire. The Arab could then be expelled to Gaza. Blessed be He.

Friday, February 15, 2008


Can’t run away to join Circus Israel? Can’t make aliyah? Hey, we understand. Even though net immigration can’t match the Arab birth rate, we understand. Not everyone has the time to gather with the rest of God’s Chosen People to revere and defend the Holy Land for all eternity. Maybe you’ve assimilated and you’re like a goy now. Maybe you’re just a chicken. Fine. No worries. We’ll make aliyah for you.

That’s right. Every Sunday, we pull 18 lucky Jewish names out of a big black hat and make them instant citizens of Eretz Israel. If we pull your name, you’re in. It’s as simple as that.

What’s more, we’ve reserved a big shipping container for you in Judea or Sumeria. We connect it to the electric grid, pave a Jewish-only road to your pre-fab synagogue and protect it with the toughest and purest fighting force in the world. And you pay nothing. Just occupy your new land in three months or we come get you. The easy way or the hard way.

Frankly, we’re a little disappointed in your lack of Zionist fervor. It’s kind of sad that we need to convince you that you’re not really welcome or safe anywhere but here. We’re a tribe (in fact, the gold standard of tribes), and a tribe should stick together and keep everyone else at arm’s length. Because what makes us different is what truly defines us - and whatever is universal about us is irrelevant and un-Jewish. You’re either us or against us.

So pack your suitcase. We’re taking names.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


With Qassam rockets causing more injuries in Sderot, Circus Israel is, as always, left with no humanly conceivable option but increased force. Since force has never failed to solve our problems, and since Qassams are the latest pretext for not negotiating with our adversaries, our ringmasters have begun the ritual dance of death. Declared Meir Sheetrit, Circus Israel’s ultra-virile Interior Minister, “The IDF needs to wipe out a neighborhood in Gaza.” To show he meant business, Sheetrit burned his forearm with a cigarette.

Inflamed by Sheetrit’s fervor, hard guy Defense Minister Ehud Barak lit firecrackers in his mouth and ass. Catching the power, Infrastructure Minister and Bully Boy Benjamin Ben-Eliezer snorted cleaning solvent and rammed his motorcycle thru a store window. Roughneck Vice Premier Haim Ramon unleashed a prodigious bowel movement. The fire spread, as he-man Interior Security Minister Avi Dichter waterboarded himself, while bonebreaking Housing & Construction Minister Zeev Boim squeezed a lump of coal into a diamond between his chiseled thighs, and Deputy PM and terminator Shaul Mofaz, working with a quieter intensity, slipped across our non-border armed with a sharpened menorah.

Feeling the passion, and a potential electoral deficit, opposition leader and bad-ass Bibi Netanayu bashed beer cans on his forehead, reprising his American experience. Man-Mountain Effie Eitam squashed his own testicles with all his might and tough guy Avigdor Lieberman ripped a Haifa phonebook in half, symbolically severing the Jewish and Arabic communities. The diaspora felt the sizzle, too, as ADL honcho and palooka Abe Foxman ran to his car without a sweater.

The drums are pounding, the armor is simmering and the time is coming to sear a lesson into the Palestinian consciousness. It works like a charm.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


OUTDOOR ART GALLERY A RESOUNDING SUCCESS!! After Circus Israel generously donated the "Art Wall" to the non-Jewish guests of Eretz Israel, dozens of exhibitors have dodged IDF gunfire to showcase their work.

Friday, February 8, 2008


The votes are in! Jewish TV viewers choose the Arab of Their Dreams. Circus Israel chats with Nabila Hatem.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Nabila, tell us about yourself.

NABILA HATEM: Like I’ve been saying, I’m anti-semitic. It’s really all there is to know about me. I’m basically just an anti-semitic young woman. I spend all my time being anti-semitic. Morning, noon and night. Sometimes, I forget to eat, and when someone tells me I might get sick, I yell at them - “Can’t you see I’m busy being anti-semitic!” I don’t like when anything interferes with my anti-semitism. I don’t care about work, or having things or being healthy, and I don’t care about my family or my community. I’m just anti-semitic. Sometimes I even wish my children would all go away, so I can use every second for my anti-semitism. All my friends feel the same way. We just don’t care about anything except hating Jews. Why? Because. It’s in our blood.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: So now that you’re Israel’s Dream Arab, what’s next?

NABILA HATEM: I’ll just keep trying to push Jews into the sea, I guess. What else would I do?

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Well, thanks for fulfilling our dreams.

NABILA HATEM: You’re welcome. Death to the Jews.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Dear Mom and Dad,

I hate Peace Camp! Please come take me home. This camp sucks!!!

There’s no camp spirit at all. Everyone just mopes around. Not that I blame them, since the Arab camp never has anything good to say about us. We’ve told them a hundred times that we’re thinking about getting ready to consider some kind of procedure for setting up a process to define parameters for talking about talking about preliminary principles. Nothing satisfies them. It just pisses me off.

Take last Monday, for example. We invited a famous novelist to come talk about our precarious existential condition and what does the Arab camp do? They lobbed shit over the fence. Again. It just makes everybody mad, and that makes it even harder to help them. They never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity to suck up to us kids in Peace Camp. Well, if they’re just going to throw shit at us, I don’t even want to try anymore. Basically, I use my free time to masturbate.

I sure thought Peace Camp would be a lot easier. I came fully prepared to posture about painful concessions, but these Arab jerks actually expect me to make some. Yeah, right. Like I’m going to tell the settlers to move. They’d kick my ass. And then what? I really can’t stand the Arabs for making me feel impotent like that.

In fact, I think we should just attack the Arab camp one night and beat the shit out of them. I mean really stomp them. Then they’ll start behaving themselves and we can all have some peace and quiet. I know it’ll work. Yaron London said it will. It would work on him.

Shalom. And please send more halvah.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Effervescent young performers are invited to audition for Greeter openings in the Checkpoint Entertainment Program. Singers, dancers, comics, clowns, jugglers, mimes, ventriloquists, ultra-orthodox rituals and novelty acts of every kind encouraged to apply. No act is too zany. We’re looking for high energy and irresistible charm – whatever it takes to make the grumpiest Arab smile when the lines slow down. Competitive salary and full benefits, plus a guaranteed share of property seized. Arabic fluency not required, as long as your performance says “We’re the nicest occupiers in the whole world!” Call the Defense Ministry for an appointment.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Circus Israel Accident Prone – Loses Insurance

It’s well known throughout the entire world that we are the unluckiest people ever. No matter how spotless our Jewish hearts may be, no matter how responsibly we behave, none of our good deeds go unpunished. Something always goes wrong, some accident we couldn’t have predicted in 5000 years. And now the insurance company wants to cancel our coverage. “Too many accidents,” they say. Why does He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named (really, it's God)forsake us so?

It all started when Supreme Court President Dorit Beinisch opened her big mouth. She says – in writing! – that Circus Israel sometimes accidentally hurts civilians when we act in justifiable self-defense. So the insurance company starts nosing around and, sure enough, they fixate on the accidents. Of course, they trot out the one-ton bomb we dropped on Shehadeh’s building and blame us for the baked children. Hindsight is so easy. It was an accident, a freak million-to-one surprise. And nobody was more surprised that people actually lived there than Circus Israel.

Then these insurance company bookkeepers dredge up all the dead bystanders at targeted assassinations, the dead knuckleheads who approach the Security Wall, the dead goofballs that try to catch our artillery shells, the dead curfew violators, the dead medical cases and dead pregnant women and stillborns at the checkpoints, the dead international meddlers, the dead demonstrators, and all the other accidental dead that completely shocked us every time. Why are we the only people in the history of the world to be second-guessed for everything?

It’s not as though this insurance company has paid a lot of compensation. Circus Israel doesn’t compensate. But if we ever do, for public relations purposes, where will we get the money? We’ll have to bother our friends in real estate development, liquor distribution and bingo parlors. All because of some cockamamie accidents that nobody in his right mind could have seen coming.

Friday, February 1, 2008

By Gen. Uzi Orluzi (Res.)

The Winograd Committee completely missed the point. There’s no one to blame for the failure of Lebanon II, because there was no failure. Circus Israel fought a war. That’s what we do. We fight with Arabs. It’s our collective identity. There’s no failure when we fight with Arabs. For us, war is its own victory. It focuses us and relieves our anxieties. It’s energizing. It’s tough-Jew.

Look, where did we get this hubris about zero casualties? This fantasy of the perfectly executed war? Do we think we’re the New England Patriots? Circus Israel doesn’t need perfection to deter the neighbors. We killed more than a thousand Lebanese, and most of them had nothing to do with the border skirmish that became our pretext. That’s deterrent. That’s why no nation has challenged Circus Israel in 35 years. We’re psycho.

Israeli casualties? Absolutely necessary. Anyone can wage war without losses. But when we lose some boys, and keep on picking fights, we prove something. We love to rumble, and rumble to love.

Most of us know a guy like Circus Israel. Self-absorbed. Infallible. Hyper-sensitive. Volcanic. Something sets him off, the whole place gets trashed. Who wants to fight with this guy? Who wants to be in the same room? It’s not worth it. That’s deterrent. Hey, we sunk the Liberty – and that was an ally.

Remember what Nasrallah said. He just wanted a couple bargaining chips. If he’d known Circus Israel would go berserk over it, he wouldn’t have done it. Well, he should’ve known. We were due for a brawl. Overdue. Don’t kid yourself, Judge Winograd. Lebanon II was a smash. Put that in your report.

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