Thursday, May 29, 2008


I am Aryeh Eldad. I am a vampire. This makes me no less a physician. It's why I'm a physician. And a burn specialist. The barbeque flavor. And it makes me no less a Jew. Frankly, I'm a better Jew than you. Did you demand death for surrender of Jewish land? Did you brawl with the police at Amona? Did you bellow for expulsion of the Arabs in Hebron? Did you insert your finger in Irving Moskowitz's ass to examine his aging prostate? No??!! Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!! Then I'm the better Jew!! And the better vampire!!!!

Monday, May 26, 2008


The Security Cabinet of Circus Israel has issued the following Statement as an official Trial Balloon. The Security Cabinet reserves full discretion to, at any time: 1) repudiate the Statement, in whole or in part; 2) deny that the Statement, or any part, ever existed; 3) characterize the statement, or any part, as a misquotation, misrepresentation and/or internal working document representing nothing; 4) impute anti-Semitism to any person or entity that agrees with, or disagrees with, the Statement or any repudiation, denial or characterization of the Statement by the Security Cabinet; 5) counteract the Statement with a military incursion in Ramallah.

STATEMENT…The State of Israel has decided to move on with its life. We acknowledge certain actions may’ve been perceived by some others as non-optimal. Sometimes, things just get misunderstood. We sincerely regret that this misperception occurred. Even though Israel obviously suffers from post-traumatic stress, and even though we’ve been put through an ordeal since day one, we won’t ask for special treatment. That’s not who we are. But nobody’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says things that come out the wrong way. That’s what makes us human. All we can do is accept that we can’t control others (except Arabs). We can only control ourselves (and, like we said, Arabs). So it’s time to put this all behind us, to forgive ourselves, to give ourselves permission to heal and move ahead. We’re going to take some time for us. Time for closure. We’ll just settle for awhile, sipping the under-appreciated wine of the Golan and watching the sun set over Judea. We’ll work to figure out who we really are, in our infinite complexity. And once we’re spiritually reinvigorated, we promise we’ll do everything we can to be true to ourselves.

Thursday, May 15, 2008



Roses are red, violets are blue. It's a happy birthday, if you're a...


Circus Israel talked with Nabila Hatem, Israel’s “Dream Arab,” on February 8. Nabila told us she’s a relentless anti-semite whose sole focus is Jew-hatred (which is, of course, why she won the coveted title, “Arab of our dreams!”). Since then, she’s been caught up in a whirlwind of public attention. Here’s what she has to say.

NABILA HATEM: It’s so crazy. When the Jews called me the “Dream Arab” I said, “I don’t care what you do. I hate you. That’s what I do.” Now they won’t stay away. “Nabila, you’re perfect. Come talk to our synagogue. You are the truth.” So I scream at them. “Leave me alone! Stinking monkey-Jews! Go, before my dog gnaws on your unclean haunches!” And they’re so happy.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: It’s a distraction for you?

NABILA HATEM: This’s the problem! I have no time to myself. As I told you before, nothing is more important than my anti-semitism. I just want to sit in my refugee camp and think about slurping Jewish blood. That’s it.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: But you have time at the checkpoints, don’t you?

NABILA: They wave me right through! Like a Zionist. They want to take their picture with me on the cellphone.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Well, you’re something of an international celebrity now.

NABILA HATEM: Letters, letters, from all the places the Jews should go back to. Look at this. “Nabila, thank you. Whenever someone says Israel should live with the Arabs, I tell them about you. Then they see that violence is the only language you understand. Please, Nabila, continue your important work and know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers.”

CIRCUS ISRAEL: We heard you want to leave.

NABILA HATEM: Yes, of course. Let me go where I can hate Jews in peace. I demanded transfer, but the Jews said no, you go last, after the rest.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: So you’re stuck here?

NABILA: They say if I recognize Israel’s right to exist, they’ll kick me out sooner. Why do you say, "2 Jews, 3 opinions?" I only see one.

CIRCUS ISRAEL: Nabila, you're a delight. If we didn’t have you, we’d have to invent you. Once again, thank you.

NABILA HATEM: Thank you for calling. Death to the Jews.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


According to witnesses and journalists, an IDF paratrooper mistakenly landed on spectators during the 60th birthday celebration at Tel Aviv’s Jerusalem beach. Eight people were reportedly injured, two seriously. The IDF denies that the incident occurred. The IDF explains that a generally similar event may have been staged by enemies of Israel “to undermine deterrence.” In any case, the IDF states that the casualties were not Jewish and were not harmed by the paratrooper, but by explosives hidden under their beachwear.

Israel’s 60th-birthday Flechettes Over Gaza extravaganza will go on as scheduled. Defense Minister Ehud Barak emphasized that cluster bombs are not prohibited by any treaty when deployed with patriotic intent. Barak also questioned the motivation of the event’s opponents. “Why don’t these people chill out? Because anti-semitism oozes from their every pore, that’s why.”

The political standing of PM Ehud Olmert has apparently not been harmed by the discovery of a sex dungeon under his Jerusalem home. Indeed, the absence of Nazi symbols and paraphernalia was received positively, boosting Olmert’s approval rating to 6%. American businessman Morris “Mr. T” Talansky denied contributing any money to Olmert for a dungeon. “That was the Eliot Spitzer deal,” Talansky clarified.

Internal Security Minister Avi Dichter announced that no Palestinian prisoners in administrative detention would be released at the present time. The Minister stated that administrative prisoners, who are detained without charge, represent a “grave danger” to Israel. “The longer they’ve been in detention, the longer they’ve failed to establish their innocence of the charges that haven’t been lodged. Meanwhile, the terrorist acts they were suspected of intending to commit have not, in fact, been committed. You do the math.”

Danny "Danny" Danon, chairman of World Likud, demanded that Avi Dichter strictly prohibit ambivalence toward the State of Israel by Israeli Arabs. Danon contended that non-Jewish ambivalence constitutes incitement and an existential threat to the Jewish State. "The space between ambivalence and terror attacks is miniscule. The state must act decisively," Danon declared. "This doesn't apply to my friend, Rev. John Hagee, by the way. He's kidding about converting us."

Convicted spy Jonathan Pollard told supporters that while he tries to stay optimistic, he's been depressed lately. "I had some problems with my suitcase and my jocker traded me for a dozen squares and a quart of pruno. I should shank his new punk, but the Israel-haters'd just love that."

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Circus Israel has long complained that Hamas and the other non-surrendering Palestinian factions have hidden among civilians as they fight our armed forces. (If one wants to be hyper-technical, the factions are civilians themselves, since we’ve done everything possible to prevent a Palestinian state with a formal military apparatus. Whatever.) The obvious problem with this unscrupulous human shield business is that Circus Israel can’t execute Arab fighters without hearing international guff about civilian casualties. But, at long last, Hamas is getting its act together. According to senior commander Muhammad Deif, the military wing of Hamas (Izz-al-Din al-Qassam) will begin lining up in formation, “like a proper army.”

“A lot of the shaheeds felt like we were kind of cheating,” said Deif. “I mean, the Zionist enemy has to wear uniforms and fly numbered jets and all that stuff, but we’ve been pretty loosey-goosey. So no more hit and run. We’re gonna form ranks out in the open and charge them, the way you’re supposed to. They wanna fix bayonets, fine, let’s get it on.”

Hamas is still ironing out the details. Locating wide-open, civilian-free battlefields has been especially troublesome. “We thought about renting one of those spacious, elite football pitches you see all over Gaza,” Deif explained. “But the mujahadeen want to dig World War I-style trenches and spread barbed wire and then we’d have to clean everything up after the battle so the kids can play ball.”

Ahmad Jabri, another Izz-al-Din al-Qassam commander, said the factions might borrow the Israeli tactic of demolishing civilian residences with bulldozers, to clear space for combat. “Civilians have been pretty lukewarm about the idea, though. I can’t put my finger on it, but people seem a little apathetic. The housing market’s been cold.”

Still, the factions have made substantial progress toward their goal of fighting what Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya calls “good, old-fashioned war.” Hamas downloaded a vintage US Army Field Manual from the Web and distributed copies to enthusiastic fighters. “The boys are revved up," Haniya said. “Their getting helmets and some very classy uni’s with their names on the back. What I didn’t expect was the medals. Everybody wants medals.”

Commanders have been similarly excited by the new policy. “I’m having a ball,” says Islamic Jihad’s Ramadan Abdullah. “I’m reading Clausewitz, Napolean, the Romans and Greeks, you name it. I can’t wait to try my first enfilade on the Israeli flank. The Zionists’ll crap their pants.”

All of the factions see a bright future. “I think our navy’ll be able to slap a blockade on the Zionist coast by November,” says Haniya. Air superiority will take longer, he concedes. “For now, our airmen will run around in plain sight with their arms out, making realistic airplane noises. These guys’re the best of the best.”

Islamic Jihad’s Abdullah points out that the Israeli critique has helped the factions appreciate the adverse consequences of their guerilla tactics. “Maybe we’ve been so busy with our Jihad al saghir, we got a bit tone deaf. I’ve had plenty of civilians complain that our shenanigans are disrupting powdered milk distribution. We needed a wake-up call.”

However, Hamas co-founder Mahmoud al-Zahar notes that the Israelis don’t always help their own cause. “Look, when they come to a casbah in the middle of the night to arrest or execute somebody, they don’t always leave us much time to evacuate civilians in an orderly fashion before we assume our fighting positions. And the air attacks. I mean, c’mon, give us a couple minutes to get our martyrs into a phalanx.” Muhammad Deif disagrees. “Let’s not make excuses. The bottom line is, the Zionists have worked their tails off to maintain absolute purity of arms. We can’t get so caught up in our own troubles that we mess that up.”

Thursday, May 1, 2008


Comic book readers know that in Bizarro World, everything is reversed. Some of the more opportunistic Godfathers of American Jewry recently convened in Bizarro World to issue a DECLARATION (oooohhhh!!), directing Jews to boycott the Beijing Olympics. Led by pompous blowhards “Yitz” (how sporty) Greenberg, Haskell Lookstein and Rafael Medoff (Wyman Institute), the signatories are “deeply troubled” by Chinese “injustice and persecution” toward Tibet. The Chinese transgressions troubling these gasbags surely include:

Suppression of an indigenous people by overwhelming military superiority;

Settlement of majority (Han Chinese) civilians in Tibetan provinces to dilute Tibetan continuity and undermine Tibetan autonomy;

Manipulation of public opinion to brand the victimized minority as the aggressor;

Demonization of the Tibetan minority’s chosen leaders, and refusal to negotiate with them;

Exaggerated emphasis on ethnic and religious differences and minimization of common or universal interests.

There’s no hypocrisy in Bizarro World, only mirror images, so the obvious similarities to Circus Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians don’t deeply trouble the DECLARATION pushers. Consequently, they can opine, without irony, that “Jews should not be party to the whitewashing of such a regime."

The real reason these charlatans are belly-aching about China is to exert pressure on China’s “friendship” with Iran and Syria - and to blow smoke about Islamist violence in southern Sudan to curry favor with Christian Zionists. In Bizarro World, Israel’s associations with – to name a few - Apartheid South Africa, the Nicaraguan Contras, Jonas Savimbi, the Colombian right-wing death squads and, for that matter, China, don’t register.

As for the selective demand that Jewish jocks boycott the games (apparently gentile athletes wouldn’t have the moral fiber), who cares? Exactly what Olympic event will be diminished if Jews don’t suit up?

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