Saturday, February 21, 2009



You got our groove back, baby!

In the fighting spirit of the US Army at My Lai, the Serbian Army at Srebenica, the Soviet Army at Katyn Forest, and the German Einsatzgruppen at Babi Yar, you faced down an implacable foe and insurmountable odds in Gaza. And you kicked ass and took names (names like Mohammed)!!

Now kick back and read all about it!! In JEWISH WARRIOR magazine!!

Hey, soldier, I’m Col. Ofer Gadseik, just retired from the IDF. I was in Gaza with you, gever. In the meat-grinder. Fighting Achmed in hell and fighting our way out. And now it’s all on glossy, top-quality paper, in my new 'zine, JEWISH WARRIOR!

JEWISH WARRIOR pulls no punches, comrades, because You Can Handle the Truth! Check out these features –

COMBAT POV – interviews with the men and women who fought Mahmoud toe-to-toe.

Avi (the pilot): “I kept reminding myself that I had a job to do. Ignore the infinitesimal possibility of a raging snow storm or a magical Arabian flying carpet or a flock of California Condors getting sucked into my jet engines. Drop my bombs and get home…”

Shlomo (the tank officer): “I couldn’t see shit! There’s white phosphorus everywhere and buildings crashing down and I couldn’t tell if my barrage on the school was proportional! Listen, the burden of being the world’s most moral army is almost unbearable…”

Baruch (the naval artilleryman): “Finally the navy got some action. Seizing medical supplies and busting fishermen was getting really old. Our guns were rockin’ for a change. It was ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ out here.”

WORLD SOLDIER – Praise from warriors around the globe.

Sgt. Dick Stuart, US Marine Corps: “Man, I was on Grenada in “83 and I know just what you guys went through. Enemy goes and hides in a hole. Civilians bitching about everything you’re doing to help them. Lucky you dudes didn’t have Cuban engineers coming at you. Those motherfuckers could really light it up…”

Maj. Omer Baabas, Janjaweed Militia, Darfur, Sudan: “What are you supposed to do? Make sure both sides have just the same number of fighters, just the same kind of weapons, just the same chance to survive? All this political correctness…”

Capt. Nikolai Kozlov, Soviet 62nd Army, 1942-44, age 88: “I was in battle of Stalingrad, 6 months. My foot is blown off and I am made deaf. But when I see what you face in Gaza Strip, I am sick to my stomach and cry like a little girl…”

John Bolton, former UN Ambassador and Maryland National Guard (Vietnam era): “Nothing like it in the history of warfare. Certainly not since Thermopylae, where 300 chiseled Spartans gallantly resisted the Iranians. God I wish I could’ve been there with you…”


Are you a tad edgy or a little shvizoot? Who wouldn’t be, after what you went through? That was war, bro. We lost some of our own. Even if it was friendly fire, we still lost ‘em. It hurts. So JEWISH WARRIOR checks out the best spots to get your zoola on.

In our premiere issue - – India beckons! Everybody’s favorite is better than ever! And since they buy Israeli weaponry big time, let’s say thanks while we cool out. It’s win-win! JEWISH WARRIOR tells you where to hallucinate and where to find the sweetest kama sutra. And after Mumbai, they just might let you punk a Moslem while you’re on holiday!


JEWISH WARRIOR knows every one of you deserves a chest full of medals. So JEWISH WARRIOR has 6 full pages of colorful peel-off decals featuring medals, ribbons and pins from the Gaza Campaign! Paste ‘em on your TAR-21, your mobile phone, your phylacteries!! Wear ‘em with pride, soldiers! You earned ‘em, you magnificent bastards!


JEWISH WARRIOR is your reunion HQ. It’s been over a month since the Big One. Time to look back. To reminisce. To catch up with the brothers that made it back, picked up the pieces and went on with their lives. JEWISH WARRIOR hooks you up, with our interactive Reunion Finder, available online to our subscribers. Find your Golanchkim. Reconnect with your S'galgal. Remember those Arabs dropping their pants?? We gotta talk!!


Check our website - Former Chief of Staff Gen. Dan Halutz reads customized passages from Shakespeare’s Henry V (“…And Hanukkah shall ne’er go by, from this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered – we few, we happy few, we band of brothers…”). The Bard was talking about us, achi.


Uncensored pix of Bar Refaeli in a thong, disarming a landmine. That sweat is real, dudes!

JEWISH WARRIOR magazine. Get it by mail. Get it online. Just get it!!

Friday, February 13, 2009


Law enforcement officials in Circus Israel conceded today that their investigation of the alleged homicide of the Gaza Strip may have been irrevocably compromised. After news reports suggested that Israel’s armed forces fatally assaulted the Strip in December and January, a task force of Israeli detectives was dispatched to the alleged crime scene. Seasoned investigators from the IDF and the Shin Bet intelligence agency purportedly discovered a decomposing Bantustan lying near the Mediterranean Sea. They carefully drew a white outline around the territory and sealed it off with yellow tape that clearly announced “Crime Scene – Do Not Enter”

Then things began to unravel. Unknown persons, apparently Arabs, disregarded the taped barrier and passed heedlessly through the crime scene, running in packs or skidding around in ambulances. According to detectives, crucial evidence of any wrongdoing was adulterated, moved or looted. Consequently, apprehension and prosecution of perpetrators, if any, is highly unlikely.

“We’re very frustrated,” said task force spokesperson Maj. Avital Leibovich. “Nothing means more to Israel than putting thugs behind bars, especially if they were Jewish and used phosphorus to cover their tracks. Now we’ll never know what really happened. I blame Hamas for trashing our investigation.”

Avi Dichter, Israel's lame duck Minister of Public Security, demanded an aggressive Israeli investigation of Hamas’ interference with the Israeli investigation. “Something must be done. No nation would permit this obstruction, which places Israel in grave danger of not capturing the guilty parties, if any.”

However, Israeli Defense Minister and electoral flop Ehud Barak downplayed the importance of the investigation itself. “Don’t throw around words like homicide. Maybe the Gaza Strip just got sick or didn’t eat enough. Maybe Jimmy Carter hit them.”

Mahmoud Abbas, sleepy Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority, murmured that whatever government is formed after the recent Israeli elections should “let bygones be bygones” and discuss a 2-state solution with him until he finishes decomposing.

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