Tuesday, December 30, 2008


This is the climax. Six millenia of collective experience and wisdom and ritual have brought us to this. We are the storm of death. From atop our exquisite mountain of ultimate weaponry, we decide and we destroy. We are the Jews of 5769.

Spread-legged beneath us are the others. They can’t stop us. And no one will intervene. We will shit and shit and cum and cum and piss and piss and set them on fire. We will devise their agony as it pleases us. We are the Jews of 5769.

They make us do this. Such paradox. They spit from their cage and cause our anxiety. We’re mighty beyond their imagination, but never secure. They absorb our daily torment and make us watch their tricks. Make us scheme and posture and deprive them, until it can’t be borne a moment longer and we lull them with a nearly open hand that quickly clenches and explodes their prideful faces. We are the Jews of 5769!

There is no other twist to our saga because we don’t want one. We want this. This orgy. We waited centuries for this absolute dominion, we seized it when the world pitied us, we sucked it into our hearts. Sweet divine addiction! To the throat of the other as our blade opens their skin. To the release of the will. We are the Jews of 5769.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


In Kiryat Arba, a loose coalition of settler cults recently hosted a visiting delegation from the Ku Klux Klan, the American white supremacist organization. The settlers and Klansmen prayed at the recently evacuated House of Contention in Hebron, then went behind closed doors for private discussions and a vigilante fashion show. “We gabbed a lot about hoods,” laughed fruitcake Daniella Weiss, the former mayor of the Kedumim settlement. “The Klan has a beautiful tradition with hoods. Very classy. But, listen, Jewish hoods are improving every day.” Still, Weiss added, she wouldn’t wear a hood when exhorting Hilltop Youth to gang up on an Arab. “I love the camera too much.”

Rob Thomas, who identified himself as the official Kludd (chaplain) of the Imperial Klans of America, called the settlers’ enthusiasm for Klan hoods gratifying. But he emphasized that a hood is only one element of an effective uniform. “It ain’t just about hiding your face,” he said. “A good hood works together with a slick robe to communicate superiority and dominance. The Jews got a long way to go yet.”

Both the settlers and Klansmen agreed they had to overcome entrenched prejudices before coming together in Eretz Israel. According to settler spokesperson David Wilder, the Klan’s history of Jew-hating seemed daunting, “until we realized they’re just Christian Zionists in ceremonial costumes.” The Klansmen, in turn, were troubled by their perception of Jews as money-grubbing bloodsuckers. “But we could see they’re just as interested in stomping camel jockeys and fags as we are. Hell, more. Besides, they paid for the plane tickets and gave us some walking-around money over here.”

After their formal meetings and a potluck buffet of falafel and horse meat, settlers and Klansmen roamed the Judean Hills looking for Arabs to bully. The Klansmen initially seemed apprehensive about the presence of Israeli police and IDF troops – because, Rob Thomas complained, “the cops always side with the niggers.” But after reassurance from the settlers that Israeli forces will protect, and occasionally join, anti-Arab activities, the visitors readily joined the settlers’ pogrom.

“These guys’re great!” gushed Yisrael, a Hilltop Youth. “They really get into it, like righteous Jews. And they showed me how to drag someone behind a jeep.”

The Klansmen presented the settlers with a Confederate flag, then departed Judea with a tallit sanctified by the settlers’ own tears. “We all agree about Chosen People,” said Thomas. “We just disagree about who got chosen.”

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