Thursday, March 27, 2008

 
CIRCUS ISRAEL'S COMPLAINT & HELP LINE IS READY

Circus Israel’s new National Complaint and Help Line has completed its testing phase with flying colors. Now, anyone with a cellphone, landline or VOIP connection can easily obtain official information or assistance by dialing 211. This is what you’ll hear:

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

[3 is pressed]

“If you’re not an Arab, press 2. If you are, press 484329103 twice without pausing between any numbers, then wait 7 seconds and press the same sequence backwards, pausing either 2, 4 or 16 seconds between numbers, depending upon the security situation. You must alternate hands when pressing each number. However, if you begin with your left hand, do not complete dialing with your right hand if you are a male under 45 years of age or a female who has given birth. If you cough while dialing, begin the sequence again, but not today.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed without coughing]

“The sequence you pressed is not recognized. Please dial a recognized sequence.”

[the Arab sequence is again pressed without coughing]

“If you really must persist, say `I must persist’ flawlessly in Hebrew.

[“I must persist” is spoken in Hebrew]

“All representatives are currently unavailable or have not been connected to the Complaint and Help Line. If this is an emergency, repeat the earlier dialing sequence to repeat this message.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed again, with brief coughing]

“Your coughing is not a humanitarian crisis. You are attempting to sway international opinion against the State of Israel. No nation on earth would permit this aggression. Press 7 to apologize.”

[7 is pressed]

“That was insincere and solely intended to buy time to re-arm the terror infrastructure. Press and say 5 simultaneously to demonstrate sincerity. Or press 8 for other humiliation.”

[8 is pressed]

“Remove your clothing, put your hands behind your head and place your identity papers in your mouth. Do not move unless directed to do so by a soldier or border policeman. After 45 minutes in a bent-over position, you may terminate this call by saying ‘terminate this call’ in Mandarin Chinese spoken with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada.”


[after the required interval, “terminate this call” is spoken in Mandarin Chinese with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada]

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

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