Tuesday, April 8, 2008
THE SETTLER RATES THE MOVIES
Circus Israel asked Yesha Council veteran Pinhas Wallerstein, a patriarch of the settlements, to review films for Jewish viewers. Here’s what he said about some of the classics.
The Godfather I & II – “Sheer anti-semitism. What they did to Moe Green. This proud Jew, who made the desert bloom. The goyim want to buy him out? When Moe says, ‘No, I’ll buy YOU out!,’ I wept without shame. Not only do they exterminate Moe Green, they kill their own brother because he showed respect to a Jew. And Hyman Roth! Envy torments these Italians until they annihilate him. But who triumphs from all this terror? The Pacino brother...Michael, the one who marries outside his own race. They claim this film is about family and identity, but this little Jew-hating shit can’t find an Italian wife? Who ever heard of such a thing? But where does he go when he needs protection? To Italy. To his own people. And still the left says Israel isn’t for the Jews!”
Rocky I – “This’s what cinema should be. Obviously a metaphor for the Jewish experience. Downtrodden and despised, he batters an overwhelming enemy, an enemy with every conceivable advantage. Rocky taught that arrogant black terrorist the essential lesson - if you strike me, you’ll pay in blood many times over. Jabotinsky could’ve made this movie. But I have to tell you, I didn’t understand the two turtles. A metaphor for the conflict, perhaps? The sons of Abraham? Then they belong in separate bowls, one for the Jewish turtle, the Arab turtle goes to Jordan.”
The Graduate – “A very painful indictment of the diaspora. All that driving back and forth. Hoffman should be in Judea, putting roots in the homeland and underwriting real estate. So Anne Bancroft has to run around in her underwear? She has to go practically naked to seduce the young man? Zambish says this’s what Mel Brooks gets for marrying outside the faith.”
The Ten Commandments – “We just lost Charlton Heston. My heart aches. A great friend of Israel. He loved guns, all kinds, six-shooters, assault weapons. He understood the primal attachment. Whatever he was, he made a beautiful Jew. I can’t say very much about the movie. I haven’t seen it in years.”
The Sound of Music – “Don’t get me started on those Austrians.”
The Wizard of Oz – “A story of surrender. When Dorothy returned to Kansas, I was sick at heart. There was the land of Oz, right under her feet. Seize it, dear God, seize it. Expel the Munchkins. Play the good witch against the bad. Make facts on the ground. I understand the lion was a coward, but give him proper armament, reliable intelligence and night vision goggles, he’ll roar like a Maccabee.”
Circus Israel asked Yesha Council veteran Pinhas Wallerstein, a patriarch of the settlements, to review films for Jewish viewers. Here’s what he said about some of the classics.
The Godfather I & II – “Sheer anti-semitism. What they did to Moe Green. This proud Jew, who made the desert bloom. The goyim want to buy him out? When Moe says, ‘No, I’ll buy YOU out!,’ I wept without shame. Not only do they exterminate Moe Green, they kill their own brother because he showed respect to a Jew. And Hyman Roth! Envy torments these Italians until they annihilate him. But who triumphs from all this terror? The Pacino brother...Michael, the one who marries outside his own race. They claim this film is about family and identity, but this little Jew-hating shit can’t find an Italian wife? Who ever heard of such a thing? But where does he go when he needs protection? To Italy. To his own people. And still the left says Israel isn’t for the Jews!”
Rocky I – “This’s what cinema should be. Obviously a metaphor for the Jewish experience. Downtrodden and despised, he batters an overwhelming enemy, an enemy with every conceivable advantage. Rocky taught that arrogant black terrorist the essential lesson - if you strike me, you’ll pay in blood many times over. Jabotinsky could’ve made this movie. But I have to tell you, I didn’t understand the two turtles. A metaphor for the conflict, perhaps? The sons of Abraham? Then they belong in separate bowls, one for the Jewish turtle, the Arab turtle goes to Jordan.”
The Graduate – “A very painful indictment of the diaspora. All that driving back and forth. Hoffman should be in Judea, putting roots in the homeland and underwriting real estate. So Anne Bancroft has to run around in her underwear? She has to go practically naked to seduce the young man? Zambish says this’s what Mel Brooks gets for marrying outside the faith.”
The Ten Commandments – “We just lost Charlton Heston. My heart aches. A great friend of Israel. He loved guns, all kinds, six-shooters, assault weapons. He understood the primal attachment. Whatever he was, he made a beautiful Jew. I can’t say very much about the movie. I haven’t seen it in years.”
The Sound of Music – “Don’t get me started on those Austrians.”
The Wizard of Oz – “A story of surrender. When Dorothy returned to Kansas, I was sick at heart. There was the land of Oz, right under her feet. Seize it, dear God, seize it. Expel the Munchkins. Play the good witch against the bad. Make facts on the ground. I understand the lion was a coward, but give him proper armament, reliable intelligence and night vision goggles, he’ll roar like a Maccabee.”
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