Sunday, May 4, 2008
HAMAS GETS IN LINE
Circus Israel has long complained that Hamas and the other non-surrendering Palestinian factions have hidden among civilians as they fight our armed forces. (If one wants to be hyper-technical, the factions are civilians themselves, since we’ve done everything possible to prevent a Palestinian state with a formal military apparatus. Whatever.) The obvious problem with this unscrupulous human shield business is that Circus Israel can’t execute Arab fighters without hearing international guff about civilian casualties. But, at long last, Hamas is getting its act together. According to senior commander Muhammad Deif, the military wing of Hamas (Izz-al-Din al-Qassam) will begin lining up in formation, “like a proper army.”
“A lot of the shaheeds felt like we were kind of cheating,” said Deif. “I mean, the Zionist enemy has to wear uniforms and fly numbered jets and all that stuff, but we’ve been pretty loosey-goosey. So no more hit and run. We’re gonna form ranks out in the open and charge them, the way you’re supposed to. They wanna fix bayonets, fine, let’s get it on.”
Hamas is still ironing out the details. Locating wide-open, civilian-free battlefields has been especially troublesome. “We thought about renting one of those spacious, elite football pitches you see all over Gaza,” Deif explained. “But the mujahadeen want to dig World War I-style trenches and spread barbed wire and then we’d have to clean everything up after the battle so the kids can play ball.”
Ahmad Jabri, another Izz-al-Din al-Qassam commander, said the factions might borrow the Israeli tactic of demolishing civilian residences with bulldozers, to clear space for combat. “Civilians have been pretty lukewarm about the idea, though. I can’t put my finger on it, but people seem a little apathetic. The housing market’s been cold.”
Still, the factions have made substantial progress toward their goal of fighting what Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya calls “good, old-fashioned war.” Hamas downloaded a vintage US Army Field Manual from the Web and distributed copies to enthusiastic fighters. “The boys are revved up," Haniya said. “Their getting helmets and some very classy uni’s with their names on the back. What I didn’t expect was the medals. Everybody wants medals.”
Commanders have been similarly excited by the new policy. “I’m having a ball,” says Islamic Jihad’s Ramadan Abdullah. “I’m reading Clausewitz, Napolean, the Romans and Greeks, you name it. I can’t wait to try my first enfilade on the Israeli flank. The Zionists’ll crap their pants.”
All of the factions see a bright future. “I think our navy’ll be able to slap a blockade on the Zionist coast by November,” says Haniya. Air superiority will take longer, he concedes. “For now, our airmen will run around in plain sight with their arms out, making realistic airplane noises. These guys’re the best of the best.”
Islamic Jihad’s Abdullah points out that the Israeli critique has helped the factions appreciate the adverse consequences of their guerilla tactics. “Maybe we’ve been so busy with our Jihad al saghir, we got a bit tone deaf. I’ve had plenty of civilians complain that our shenanigans are disrupting powdered milk distribution. We needed a wake-up call.”
However, Hamas co-founder Mahmoud al-Zahar notes that the Israelis don’t always help their own cause. “Look, when they come to a casbah in the middle of the night to arrest or execute somebody, they don’t always leave us much time to evacuate civilians in an orderly fashion before we assume our fighting positions. And the air attacks. I mean, c’mon, give us a couple minutes to get our martyrs into a phalanx.” Muhammad Deif disagrees. “Let’s not make excuses. The bottom line is, the Zionists have worked their tails off to maintain absolute purity of arms. We can’t get so caught up in our own troubles that we mess that up.”
Circus Israel has long complained that Hamas and the other non-surrendering Palestinian factions have hidden among civilians as they fight our armed forces. (If one wants to be hyper-technical, the factions are civilians themselves, since we’ve done everything possible to prevent a Palestinian state with a formal military apparatus. Whatever.) The obvious problem with this unscrupulous human shield business is that Circus Israel can’t execute Arab fighters without hearing international guff about civilian casualties. But, at long last, Hamas is getting its act together. According to senior commander Muhammad Deif, the military wing of Hamas (Izz-al-Din al-Qassam) will begin lining up in formation, “like a proper army.”
“A lot of the shaheeds felt like we were kind of cheating,” said Deif. “I mean, the Zionist enemy has to wear uniforms and fly numbered jets and all that stuff, but we’ve been pretty loosey-goosey. So no more hit and run. We’re gonna form ranks out in the open and charge them, the way you’re supposed to. They wanna fix bayonets, fine, let’s get it on.”
Hamas is still ironing out the details. Locating wide-open, civilian-free battlefields has been especially troublesome. “We thought about renting one of those spacious, elite football pitches you see all over Gaza,” Deif explained. “But the mujahadeen want to dig World War I-style trenches and spread barbed wire and then we’d have to clean everything up after the battle so the kids can play ball.”
Ahmad Jabri, another Izz-al-Din al-Qassam commander, said the factions might borrow the Israeli tactic of demolishing civilian residences with bulldozers, to clear space for combat. “Civilians have been pretty lukewarm about the idea, though. I can’t put my finger on it, but people seem a little apathetic. The housing market’s been cold.”
Still, the factions have made substantial progress toward their goal of fighting what Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya calls “good, old-fashioned war.” Hamas downloaded a vintage US Army Field Manual from the Web and distributed copies to enthusiastic fighters. “The boys are revved up," Haniya said. “Their getting helmets and some very classy uni’s with their names on the back. What I didn’t expect was the medals. Everybody wants medals.”
Commanders have been similarly excited by the new policy. “I’m having a ball,” says Islamic Jihad’s Ramadan Abdullah. “I’m reading Clausewitz, Napolean, the Romans and Greeks, you name it. I can’t wait to try my first enfilade on the Israeli flank. The Zionists’ll crap their pants.”
All of the factions see a bright future. “I think our navy’ll be able to slap a blockade on the Zionist coast by November,” says Haniya. Air superiority will take longer, he concedes. “For now, our airmen will run around in plain sight with their arms out, making realistic airplane noises. These guys’re the best of the best.”
Islamic Jihad’s Abdullah points out that the Israeli critique has helped the factions appreciate the adverse consequences of their guerilla tactics. “Maybe we’ve been so busy with our Jihad al saghir, we got a bit tone deaf. I’ve had plenty of civilians complain that our shenanigans are disrupting powdered milk distribution. We needed a wake-up call.”
However, Hamas co-founder Mahmoud al-Zahar notes that the Israelis don’t always help their own cause. “Look, when they come to a casbah in the middle of the night to arrest or execute somebody, they don’t always leave us much time to evacuate civilians in an orderly fashion before we assume our fighting positions. And the air attacks. I mean, c’mon, give us a couple minutes to get our martyrs into a phalanx.” Muhammad Deif disagrees. “Let’s not make excuses. The bottom line is, the Zionists have worked their tails off to maintain absolute purity of arms. We can’t get so caught up in our own troubles that we mess that up.”
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