Wednesday, May 7, 2008

 
QUICK-TAKES UNDER THE CIRCUS ISRAEL BIG-TOP

According to witnesses and journalists, an IDF paratrooper mistakenly landed on spectators during the 60th birthday celebration at Tel Aviv’s Jerusalem beach. Eight people were reportedly injured, two seriously. The IDF denies that the incident occurred. The IDF explains that a generally similar event may have been staged by enemies of Israel “to undermine deterrence.” In any case, the IDF states that the casualties were not Jewish and were not harmed by the paratrooper, but by explosives hidden under their beachwear.

Israel’s 60th-birthday Flechettes Over Gaza extravaganza will go on as scheduled. Defense Minister Ehud Barak emphasized that cluster bombs are not prohibited by any treaty when deployed with patriotic intent. Barak also questioned the motivation of the event’s opponents. “Why don’t these people chill out? Because anti-semitism oozes from their every pore, that’s why.”

The political standing of PM Ehud Olmert has apparently not been harmed by the discovery of a sex dungeon under his Jerusalem home. Indeed, the absence of Nazi symbols and paraphernalia was received positively, boosting Olmert’s approval rating to 6%. American businessman Morris “Mr. T” Talansky denied contributing any money to Olmert for a dungeon. “That was the Eliot Spitzer deal,” Talansky clarified.

Internal Security Minister Avi Dichter announced that no Palestinian prisoners in administrative detention would be released at the present time. The Minister stated that administrative prisoners, who are detained without charge, represent a “grave danger” to Israel. “The longer they’ve been in detention, the longer they’ve failed to establish their innocence of the charges that haven’t been lodged. Meanwhile, the terrorist acts they were suspected of intending to commit have not, in fact, been committed. You do the math.”

Danny "Danny" Danon, chairman of World Likud, demanded that Avi Dichter strictly prohibit ambivalence toward the State of Israel by Israeli Arabs. Danon contended that non-Jewish ambivalence constitutes incitement and an existential threat to the Jewish State. "The space between ambivalence and terror attacks is miniscule. The state must act decisively," Danon declared. "This doesn't apply to my friend, Rev. John Hagee, by the way. He's kidding about converting us."

Convicted spy Jonathan Pollard told supporters that while he tries to stay optimistic, he's been depressed lately. "I had some problems with my suitcase and my jocker traded me for a dozen squares and a quart of pruno. I should shank his new punk, but the Israel-haters'd just love that."

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