Saturday, June 7, 2008
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University of Kiryat Arba (On-Line) – fully self-accredited Baccalaureate Degree in Occupation & Settlement Studies. Sign up now!
PHILOSOPHY OF OCCUPATION
The ontology, cosmology, epistemology, axiology and eschatology of occupation, with particular emphasis on kicking ass and taking names. Readings of the seminal thinkers, including Herzl, Kook, Jabotinsky, Katznelson, Ben-Gurion, Weizmann, Custer, Botha and their progeny, Sharon, Netanyahu and Hagee. Examine the fundamental truths of occupation – “Send out zealots, hustlers and head-cases and the army will follow,” and “Take the gun AND the cannoli.”
FOUNDATIONS OF SETTLEMENT
Slow but steady – a necessity in the post-colonial age. Why we can’t just run them out in a single day like the Egyptians did to us before God parted the sea in our historically accurate saga of dispossession. Access roads – the mesh of the Zionist net. Neatness counts - pushing Arabs into tidy little piles. The outpost as virus. Readings include Sharon, Lieberman, Zeevi, Levinger, Kahane and Morton Klein. Examine the fundamental truths of settlement – “Everybody loves free land” and “Possession beats ownership any day of the week.”
ARAB MANAGEMENT
Identifying best practices in encircling, isolating, assaulting, culling and excising. The power of despair and other proven techniques for breaking through sumud. Tough love – the pointlessness of empathy, the error of dialogue, the mistake of compromise. The Palestinian narrative of hardship and how not to fall for it. Snitch control – the carrots and the sticks. Should the Passover Plagues be revised – or can we really make frogs rain on Jenin? Case studies include Algeria, Lebanon, Iraq & the Jordan Valley.
BROOKLYN TO SUMERIA, CLEVELAND TO JUDEA - THE TRANSITION TO ALIYAH
The challenge of leaving competition behind and always winning. Why Blacks can’t intimidate you here. Harnessing the exhilaration of lawlessness – hitting an Arab, not your girlfriend. The sectarian militia – wearing that slick assault rifle in unofficial national service. Manly men and fecund women – for a change. Head covering – the accessory that says it all. “Hey, where’s that tax break for my gemstone business in Chicago?”
ARABIC FOR DUMMIES (NATURALLY!)
Commands, curses, ridicule, challenges and inducements. Anatomical references and comparisons to domesticated animals. Recreational drug slang. The “ABC Method” (“Always Be Chastising”). Intentional mispronunciation – and how to make it sting. The battle of the glottis and why we must prevail.
OLIVE HARVESTING – REDEEMING THE FRUIT OF THE LAND
Identifying the defining characteristic of jewish olives (they grew in eretz Israel). Watching Arabs for the telltale signs that the olives are ready for stealing. Problem-solving in the fields: Pick the fruit or wait for them to do it? Move the tree or move the Arab?
INTERNATIONAL LAW
Treaties and protocols – when to enforce and when to spread on toast. The truth about the UN – a goyische cartel run by the enemies of Israel for the sole purpose of oppressing us. Special attention to Resolution 242 (and how the missing “the” means we keep the land). Lord Balfour’s 1917 letter to Lord Rothschild - one white guy writing to another, the gold standard of international law. The 4th Geneva Convention as practical joke gone awry. You hurt one of ours, we hurt a hundred of yours - the most satisfying law in the whole wide world.
TOMB OBSESSION – JEWS DON’T DIE, WE PERPETUALLY OCCUPY
Why do we so love the grave? Essential truth or proof of land title? Special emphasis on the Cave of the Patriarchs and why Hebron is a tourist goldmine. Case studies includes the imaginary tomb of imaginary Adam and Eve. Students are encouraged to ponder why Esau’s body isn’t buried with his head. Additional emphasis on the Tomb of the Matriarchs. Identify the tombs of Bilhah (Rachel’s handmaid), Zilpah (Leah’s handmaid and personal trainer) and Sherry (Miriam’s publicist). Why Zebulon’s tomb proves Lebanon belongs to the Jews. Deconstruction of the virulent myth that Muslims are buried in Eretz Israel. How to find a decent hotel near an A-List grave. How to own a decent hotel near an A-List grave. What to say while staring at the ground.
DIASPORA RELATIONS
Those who can, occupy. Those who can’t, send financing. AIPAC – how did we get so lucky? Christian Zionists – how did we get so lucky? Keeping it unreal: what AIPAC and Christian Zionists should never say to each other. Emphasis on Israel as safe haven: when the other urologists turn on you, when your law partners unleash a pogrom, when the hedge fund managers slaughter your livestock, Eretz Israel will take you in. Emphasis on Israel as precarious victim: when Arabs reproduce with impunity in Jerusalem, when Assad starts sounding reasonable, when Obama doesn’t sound fervent enough, put away the mah jongg tiles and get on the phone. Coercing assimilated Jews who doubt our righteousness to shut the fuck up.
JEWISH GEOLOGY
Discussion of rocks that a lot of Jewish people know or have heard of. (Note: partial credit awarded for throwing rocks at Arabs hitting on our girls in Pisgat Ze'ev.)
University of Kiryat Arba (On-Line) – fully self-accredited Baccalaureate Degree in Occupation & Settlement Studies. Sign up now!
PHILOSOPHY OF OCCUPATION
The ontology, cosmology, epistemology, axiology and eschatology of occupation, with particular emphasis on kicking ass and taking names. Readings of the seminal thinkers, including Herzl, Kook, Jabotinsky, Katznelson, Ben-Gurion, Weizmann, Custer, Botha and their progeny, Sharon, Netanyahu and Hagee. Examine the fundamental truths of occupation – “Send out zealots, hustlers and head-cases and the army will follow,” and “Take the gun AND the cannoli.”
FOUNDATIONS OF SETTLEMENT
Slow but steady – a necessity in the post-colonial age. Why we can’t just run them out in a single day like the Egyptians did to us before God parted the sea in our historically accurate saga of dispossession. Access roads – the mesh of the Zionist net. Neatness counts - pushing Arabs into tidy little piles. The outpost as virus. Readings include Sharon, Lieberman, Zeevi, Levinger, Kahane and Morton Klein. Examine the fundamental truths of settlement – “Everybody loves free land” and “Possession beats ownership any day of the week.”
ARAB MANAGEMENT
Identifying best practices in encircling, isolating, assaulting, culling and excising. The power of despair and other proven techniques for breaking through sumud. Tough love – the pointlessness of empathy, the error of dialogue, the mistake of compromise. The Palestinian narrative of hardship and how not to fall for it. Snitch control – the carrots and the sticks. Should the Passover Plagues be revised – or can we really make frogs rain on Jenin? Case studies include Algeria, Lebanon, Iraq & the Jordan Valley.
BROOKLYN TO SUMERIA, CLEVELAND TO JUDEA - THE TRANSITION TO ALIYAH
The challenge of leaving competition behind and always winning. Why Blacks can’t intimidate you here. Harnessing the exhilaration of lawlessness – hitting an Arab, not your girlfriend. The sectarian militia – wearing that slick assault rifle in unofficial national service. Manly men and fecund women – for a change. Head covering – the accessory that says it all. “Hey, where’s that tax break for my gemstone business in Chicago?”
ARABIC FOR DUMMIES (NATURALLY!)
Commands, curses, ridicule, challenges and inducements. Anatomical references and comparisons to domesticated animals. Recreational drug slang. The “ABC Method” (“Always Be Chastising”). Intentional mispronunciation – and how to make it sting. The battle of the glottis and why we must prevail.
OLIVE HARVESTING – REDEEMING THE FRUIT OF THE LAND
Identifying the defining characteristic of jewish olives (they grew in eretz Israel). Watching Arabs for the telltale signs that the olives are ready for stealing. Problem-solving in the fields: Pick the fruit or wait for them to do it? Move the tree or move the Arab?
INTERNATIONAL LAW
Treaties and protocols – when to enforce and when to spread on toast. The truth about the UN – a goyische cartel run by the enemies of Israel for the sole purpose of oppressing us. Special attention to Resolution 242 (and how the missing “the” means we keep the land). Lord Balfour’s 1917 letter to Lord Rothschild - one white guy writing to another, the gold standard of international law. The 4th Geneva Convention as practical joke gone awry. You hurt one of ours, we hurt a hundred of yours - the most satisfying law in the whole wide world.
TOMB OBSESSION – JEWS DON’T DIE, WE PERPETUALLY OCCUPY
Why do we so love the grave? Essential truth or proof of land title? Special emphasis on the Cave of the Patriarchs and why Hebron is a tourist goldmine. Case studies includes the imaginary tomb of imaginary Adam and Eve. Students are encouraged to ponder why Esau’s body isn’t buried with his head. Additional emphasis on the Tomb of the Matriarchs. Identify the tombs of Bilhah (Rachel’s handmaid), Zilpah (Leah’s handmaid and personal trainer) and Sherry (Miriam’s publicist). Why Zebulon’s tomb proves Lebanon belongs to the Jews. Deconstruction of the virulent myth that Muslims are buried in Eretz Israel. How to find a decent hotel near an A-List grave. How to own a decent hotel near an A-List grave. What to say while staring at the ground.
DIASPORA RELATIONS
Those who can, occupy. Those who can’t, send financing. AIPAC – how did we get so lucky? Christian Zionists – how did we get so lucky? Keeping it unreal: what AIPAC and Christian Zionists should never say to each other. Emphasis on Israel as safe haven: when the other urologists turn on you, when your law partners unleash a pogrom, when the hedge fund managers slaughter your livestock, Eretz Israel will take you in. Emphasis on Israel as precarious victim: when Arabs reproduce with impunity in Jerusalem, when Assad starts sounding reasonable, when Obama doesn’t sound fervent enough, put away the mah jongg tiles and get on the phone. Coercing assimilated Jews who doubt our righteousness to shut the fuck up.
JEWISH GEOLOGY
Discussion of rocks that a lot of Jewish people know or have heard of. (Note: partial credit awarded for throwing rocks at Arabs hitting on our girls in Pisgat Ze'ev.)
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I see you forgot to list the job I seek: Levantine Slacker. No qualifications necessary or desireable and duties involve drinking myriad cups of Arab Coffee, smoking filterless Camels, and arguing politics in a loud, strident way. Can I apply?
Mazel Tov,
Malaka
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Mazel Tov,
Malaka
# posted by 
: June 11, 2008 at 11:25 AM
: June 11, 2008 at 11:25 AM Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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