Thursday, September 18, 2008
DOG SAYS FEDERMAN DEMANDED ANSWERS
During an acrimonious meeting of Yisrael’s security cabinet, PM Noam Federman insisted on clear answers and swift results from his military commanders, according to a dog present at the meeting. In an exclusive interview with Circus Israel, Zion, a pure-breed Canaan Dog, described the often bitter exchanges among the PM, Chief of Staff Effi Eitam, Acting Defense Minister Shmuel Ben-Yishai, Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe, Rabbi David Dudkevitch, Rabbi Yosef Dayan and General Yitzhak “Haki” Harel. As a result of the meeting, Zion said, the multi-pronged assault - dubbed by Federman “the 5-Day War” even before it began - will accelerate dramatically.
Although Zion occasionally napped under a table, he claims that his waking memories are precise “because they came with a smell.” Excerpts from a transcript of Zion’s report appear below. (NOTE to ultra-orthodox readers: Zion the talking dog is a “literary device.”)
FEDERMAN: (to EITAM) Where’s the attack? Nothing’s happening. What’re you waiting for?
EITAM: What am I waiting for?! A ground war with 3 nations and Gaza, an air war with Iran, maybe I should have some PLANS!!!
FEDERMAN: I gave you plans! Attack our enemies and redeem our land!
EITAM: That’s not so simple SINCE YOU ALREADY TOLD THEM WE’RE COMING!!!
DAYAN: All this talk of compromise! What of the Kingdom of the Jewish People?!
[ZION: I kind’ve spaced out at this point. I really had to lick my nuts.]
* * *
HAREL: Morale is horrible. Soldiers are disappearing from their units.
BEN-YISHAI: Look for them in Tel Aviv. Attack the Nazis in Tel Aviv!
DAYAN: Listen, listen! Shabbat is coming! There must be an eruv!
WOLPE: Yes, Rabbi Dayan is entirely correct! An eruv!
HAREL: What’re you talking about? Poles and wires?
DAYAN: All the way to the front lines. To Beirut, to Damascus, there must be an eruv!
WOLPE: And for the pilots. An eruv in the air!
[ZION: (sniffing) Dayan had shawarma today.]
* * *
DUDKEVITCH: I’m weary of hearing our commanders whine. I don’t judge anyone, but this weakness is very grave.
WOLPE: It’s an outrage!
HAREL: Why did I come out of retirement?
DUDKEVITCH: Then go back. Mister “I-kill-Arabs-like-mowing-a-lawn.” Go mow your lawn at home!
EITAM: Go send your own army! Send your hilltop boys with their paint cans and BAGS OF SHIT!!
BEN-YISHAI: Don’t be so cute. The boys would go! If the IDF would provide massive weapons superiority and shackle the Arabs, the boys would deal a decisive blow before the sun sets on Netzarim!!
[ZION: (sniffing) Is Wolpe trying to clear the room?]
* * *
WOLPE: Who’s rounding up the secular traitors and dragging them to the front? This is not being discussed!!!
DAYAN: A pulsa denura on them!!!
WOLPE: From you? Your curses are nothing!!!
DAYAN: My curses bring angels of destruction!!!
WOLPE: My curses are atomic bombs!!!
DUDKEVITCH: Yisrael has atomic bombs. Are they ready, Federman?
FEDERMAN: Everything is ready but my CHIEF OF STAFF!!!
EITAM: How can I be the REASONABLE ONE IN THIS ROOM?!?!?!?
[ZION: Do these people ever stop yelling? I decided to get some sleep, but the mobile phones woke me up.]
BEN-YISHAI: Hello?
DAYAN: Is that a kosher phone? Let me see it!!
BEN-YISHAI: It’s Baruch Ben Yosef. They think they saw an Arab! They're burning the orchards to find him!
WOLPE: It’s an outrage!
BEN-YISHAI: No, no, no, no, no. It’s a Motorola.
WOLPE: The terrorist must be found!!
DAYAN: Will they never cease their persecution of the Jewish People?!
DUDKEVITCH: Already I’m nostalgic for the simpler times. Ganging up on the shepherds, cursing the queers, making the seculars kiss my tuchus. Always something to loathe. A golden era of Jewish life!
[ZION: Somebody needs a mikvah in here.]
* * *
FEDERMAN: That’s it! The cowardly generals are dismissed! We move today!!!
WOLPE: Your dog is breaking wind!!
[ZION: You should talk, Rabbi.]
During an acrimonious meeting of Yisrael’s security cabinet, PM Noam Federman insisted on clear answers and swift results from his military commanders, according to a dog present at the meeting. In an exclusive interview with Circus Israel, Zion, a pure-breed Canaan Dog, described the often bitter exchanges among the PM, Chief of Staff Effi Eitam, Acting Defense Minister Shmuel Ben-Yishai, Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe, Rabbi David Dudkevitch, Rabbi Yosef Dayan and General Yitzhak “Haki” Harel. As a result of the meeting, Zion said, the multi-pronged assault - dubbed by Federman “the 5-Day War” even before it began - will accelerate dramatically.
Although Zion occasionally napped under a table, he claims that his waking memories are precise “because they came with a smell.” Excerpts from a transcript of Zion’s report appear below. (NOTE to ultra-orthodox readers: Zion the talking dog is a “literary device.”)
FEDERMAN: (to EITAM) Where’s the attack? Nothing’s happening. What’re you waiting for?
EITAM: What am I waiting for?! A ground war with 3 nations and Gaza, an air war with Iran, maybe I should have some PLANS!!!
FEDERMAN: I gave you plans! Attack our enemies and redeem our land!
EITAM: That’s not so simple SINCE YOU ALREADY TOLD THEM WE’RE COMING!!!
DAYAN: All this talk of compromise! What of the Kingdom of the Jewish People?!
[ZION: I kind’ve spaced out at this point. I really had to lick my nuts.]
* * *
HAREL: Morale is horrible. Soldiers are disappearing from their units.
BEN-YISHAI: Look for them in Tel Aviv. Attack the Nazis in Tel Aviv!
DAYAN: Listen, listen! Shabbat is coming! There must be an eruv!
WOLPE: Yes, Rabbi Dayan is entirely correct! An eruv!
HAREL: What’re you talking about? Poles and wires?
DAYAN: All the way to the front lines. To Beirut, to Damascus, there must be an eruv!
WOLPE: And for the pilots. An eruv in the air!
[ZION: (sniffing) Dayan had shawarma today.]
* * *
DUDKEVITCH: I’m weary of hearing our commanders whine. I don’t judge anyone, but this weakness is very grave.
WOLPE: It’s an outrage!
HAREL: Why did I come out of retirement?
DUDKEVITCH: Then go back. Mister “I-kill-Arabs-like-mowing-a-lawn.” Go mow your lawn at home!
EITAM: Go send your own army! Send your hilltop boys with their paint cans and BAGS OF SHIT!!
BEN-YISHAI: Don’t be so cute. The boys would go! If the IDF would provide massive weapons superiority and shackle the Arabs, the boys would deal a decisive blow before the sun sets on Netzarim!!
[ZION: (sniffing) Is Wolpe trying to clear the room?]
* * *
WOLPE: Who’s rounding up the secular traitors and dragging them to the front? This is not being discussed!!!
DAYAN: A pulsa denura on them!!!
WOLPE: From you? Your curses are nothing!!!
DAYAN: My curses bring angels of destruction!!!
WOLPE: My curses are atomic bombs!!!
DUDKEVITCH: Yisrael has atomic bombs. Are they ready, Federman?
FEDERMAN: Everything is ready but my CHIEF OF STAFF!!!
EITAM: How can I be the REASONABLE ONE IN THIS ROOM?!?!?!?
[ZION: Do these people ever stop yelling? I decided to get some sleep, but the mobile phones woke me up.]
BEN-YISHAI: Hello?
DAYAN: Is that a kosher phone? Let me see it!!
BEN-YISHAI: It’s Baruch Ben Yosef. They think they saw an Arab! They're burning the orchards to find him!
WOLPE: It’s an outrage!
BEN-YISHAI: No, no, no, no, no. It’s a Motorola.
WOLPE: The terrorist must be found!!
DAYAN: Will they never cease their persecution of the Jewish People?!
DUDKEVITCH: Already I’m nostalgic for the simpler times. Ganging up on the shepherds, cursing the queers, making the seculars kiss my tuchus. Always something to loathe. A golden era of Jewish life!
[ZION: Somebody needs a mikvah in here.]
* * *
FEDERMAN: That’s it! The cowardly generals are dismissed! We move today!!!
WOLPE: Your dog is breaking wind!!
[ZION: You should talk, Rabbi.]
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