Wednesday, September 10, 2008
PM FEDERMAN ORDERS MILITARY INTO ACTION
Prime Minister Noam Federman ordered all three branches of Yisrael’s armed forces to immediately begin military operations against Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the Gaza Strip. Alluding to Yisrael’s 6-Day Way in 1967, Federman declared “I expect victory in five days or less. It’s inconceivable that I’d need as much time as the dainty Levi Eshkol.” Federman identified three objectives for the multi-front attack. “First, we’ll show again that we aren’t weak. This must be shown again and again, without pause or exception. Second, we’ll humiliate every weak-kneed Jew that shrunk from confrontation with those who must understand we aren’t weak.”
The PM then asked Rabbi Dov Lior to describe the third war objective, but Rabbi Lior was shouldered aside by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe. “Third,” shouted Rabbi Wolpe, who is still recovering from an ultra-orthodox colonoscopy, “we’ll redeem the Land of Greater Yisrael from the Arab Nazis!! All which was given to the descendants of Abraham, from the Nile to the Euphrates.” Rabbi Lior remonstrated that the Nile was in Egypt, a country not included in the declaration of war. A beard-pulling scuffle ensued, and as the PM interceded, both rabbis spat at him and stalked from the room. “Okay,” the PM called after them, “Egypt, too.”
Shortly after the PM’s announcement, Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi cautioned that the military was not fully prepared for simultaneous war against so many entities. “Maybe the PM could just prioritize one or two and we’ll do those first.” In response, Mr. Federman relieved General Ashkenazi of command, replacing him with retired Gen. Effie Eitam. “Eitam likes to ramble on about his destiny. Let’s see what he can actually accomplish.” From his Fortress of Solitude in the Golan Heights, General Eitam replied, “tell Federman I’m coming back a war hero. And war heroes make excellent prime ministers.”
Prime Minister Noam Federman ordered all three branches of Yisrael’s armed forces to immediately begin military operations against Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the Gaza Strip. Alluding to Yisrael’s 6-Day Way in 1967, Federman declared “I expect victory in five days or less. It’s inconceivable that I’d need as much time as the dainty Levi Eshkol.” Federman identified three objectives for the multi-front attack. “First, we’ll show again that we aren’t weak. This must be shown again and again, without pause or exception. Second, we’ll humiliate every weak-kneed Jew that shrunk from confrontation with those who must understand we aren’t weak.”
The PM then asked Rabbi Dov Lior to describe the third war objective, but Rabbi Lior was shouldered aside by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe. “Third,” shouted Rabbi Wolpe, who is still recovering from an ultra-orthodox colonoscopy, “we’ll redeem the Land of Greater Yisrael from the Arab Nazis!! All which was given to the descendants of Abraham, from the Nile to the Euphrates.” Rabbi Lior remonstrated that the Nile was in Egypt, a country not included in the declaration of war. A beard-pulling scuffle ensued, and as the PM interceded, both rabbis spat at him and stalked from the room. “Okay,” the PM called after them, “Egypt, too.”
Shortly after the PM’s announcement, Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi cautioned that the military was not fully prepared for simultaneous war against so many entities. “Maybe the PM could just prioritize one or two and we’ll do those first.” In response, Mr. Federman relieved General Ashkenazi of command, replacing him with retired Gen. Effie Eitam. “Eitam likes to ramble on about his destiny. Let’s see what he can actually accomplish.” From his Fortress of Solitude in the Golan Heights, General Eitam replied, “tell Federman I’m coming back a war hero. And war heroes make excellent prime ministers.”
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