Wednesday, April 8, 2009

 
A MESSAGE FROM THE IRS ABOUT CIRCUS ISRAEL

Dear Taxpayer:

It’s tax time again in the United States of America. As we gratefully pay our annual dues to Circus Israel, our staunchest ally and colonial subcontractor, here’s WHAT’S NEW IN 2008:

CAST LEAD SURCHARGE – Regrettably, Israel was unable to bend Gaza to its will by withholding life’s essentials. It became necessary to expend essential military resources in the defensive operation known as Cast Lead, which Israel survived against all odds. Naturally, these resources must be replaced by the United States. A surcharge of .01542% of adjusted gross income will be added to each taxpayer’s return on Line 58a of Form 1040.

GAZA RECOVERY – America is committed to full restoration of the Gaza Strip to its pre-invasion status as a forlorn purgatory. If Israel had to bear this financial burden itself, it would be discouraged from inflicting sufficient destruction during future invasions to maintain deterrence. Accordingly, a Gaza Recovery Factor of .008793% of adjusted gross income will be added on Line 58b of Form 1040. This Factor may be quadrupled in tax year 2009 if Israel allows the Palestinians to use cement. Deductions for direct donations of expired medicines, dubious lunch meat or abstinence pamphlets must be claimed on Form GR, which will become available after every Palestinian sincerely recognizes Israel with a full and joyous heart.

WEST BANK STIMULUS PLAN – Ultra-masculine Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has proposed rapid development of the Palestinian economy. In order to find a Palestinian economy, painstaking research will be conducted. If an economy can be found or invented among the captive and disconnected townships allotted for Palestinian subsistence, stimulus funding will be necessary. Since any resulting economic activity would compete with Israeli enterprises, compensation for lost Israeli revenue must be provided. The West Bank Stimulus Plan will therefore reduce the value of each personal exemption on Line 6d by a nickel.

ISRAELI RESTRAINT RIDER – The United States has publicly discouraged Israel from striking Iran’s nuclear facilities. By accepting this restraint on its capacity to project strength across the borders of other nations, Israel has spared America the enormous expense of underwriting yet another war with an Islamic country. Yet those savings have cost Israel dearly – by risking Israel’s regional nuclear monopoly, by diminishing its international reputation as an implacable psychopath, and by implicitly suggesting that its existential fears can be tempered by rational discourse. As compensation, an Israeli Restraint Rider of 1.5% will be added to the total tax reported on Line 61 of Form 1040, and Hezbollah will get teed up like a Sudanese refugee truck.

2-STATE CHECK-OFF – It’s not easy to sustain the illusive “carrot” of a Palestinian state in the distant tomorrow. Ambiguous diplomatic gestures, along with camouflage for settlement expansion and Arab dispossession, require constant calibration. The cost of these vital activities will soar under the Netanyahu administration, as it tirelessly sidesteps explicit contradictions. Americans can voluntarily support these efforts through the 2-State Check-Off, located at the top of Form 1040, which allocates $3 per taxpayer to the “peace process,” the “Roadmap” or “two states living side-by-side, like a gentlemen and his towel.” Yes, checking this box will change your tax or refund.

FOREIGN TAX CREDIT. The Foreign Tax Credit on Line 47 of Form 1040 is now unlimited for dual Israeli-American citizens, provided that at least 25% of such taxes are spent by Israel on US goods, such as un-manned drones or un-droned men. American citizens with Palestinian “passports” cannot claim the credit for taxes paid in Palestine. Palestine is not a state.

HIDDEN TAX – Certain operations and arrangements with Israel (and occasionally Egypt) are frankly none of your business. Nevertheless, President Obama has mandated general disclosure of the Hidden Tax, since there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Listen, don’t tie up our Help Line with a bunch of questions. We can’t track the money either. All we know is that everybody's serious.

“Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.”

Commissioner Douglas “Doug” Shulman (quoting Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes).

Comments:
I hear "Doug" actually is a pseudonym for "Demosthenes". He's a fraud.
 
Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]





<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]