Thursday, April 23, 2009
PRO-ISRAEL SALES VIDEO UNCOVERED
A “motivational sales video” obtained by Circus Israel reveals that the combined success of pro-Zionist lobbying and Israeli hasbara is no accident. Although copies of the DVD were apparently distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, the video “Guide to Effective Advocacy for Israel” was unknown to a larger audience until accidentally discovered by a prostitute at a recent AIPAC policy conference. The Guide is narrated by the American actor Alec Baldwin. Speculation that the text was authored by the writer and sensitively virile Jewish warrior David Mamet could not be confirmed, despite repeated waterboarding. Mr. Mamet’s will was simply too strong.
In the video, Mr. Baldwin appears to be in a shabby sales office on a rainy evening, perhaps to symbolize the existential danger that lurks just beyond the camera. Mr. Baldwin says:
“Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…your big beautiful sign. At the synagogue. ‘We Stand With Israel.’ Stand? Who gives a shit where you stand? Huh? Gravestones stand. That your plan for the Jewish People? Extinction? So what’s new? DO something, you fucking mamzer. Act! Or get the hell out. Jimmy Carter’s speaking in your town? Act, you pussy. Ruin him. Break his lease, shut that cracker up, stuff him in a sewer, flail him like a camel. (Whining) ‘But he’s a president.’ Fuck you. He’s what WE say he is. A desiccated, Jew-hating, redneck whack job. Nothing more, nothing less. Because WE said so. Because YOU said so. Or did you bother? Get your sorry ass outta the sitzbath and slime that anti-semitic hillbilly to high heaven right now. Or get the fuck out. Turn in your book, take a hike. We don’t need you.
I'm gonna ask you something. Is there an Arab still teaching at a university within a hundred kilometers of you? Why is that? Huh? What the fuck have you been doing? That cocksucking towel-head spews his blood libel on the State of the Jewish People and you’re too busy? You schlemiel. Act! Take a goddamn meeting with the college chancellor. Hitler was a chancellor. Oh, yeah. How quickly we forget. Talk to that faggot in the language he understands. The mother-tongue of endowment. Grab his grill till he’s staring you right in the eyes and tell him he won’t – repeat, will not - see dollar one if that A-rab hairball gets tenure. This ain’t rocket science, people. We got the little judenrats like Finkelstein and Kovel, we can get Khalidi and Massad and all the other little catfish.
I know exactly what you’re thinking. Who the hell does he think he is? To talk to me like this, a card-carrying member of the AJC? Well hoo-fucking-ray. Who ain’t? If that’s all you got, leave. Turn in your book, marry a goy, take your kids to the church up the street. 'Cause if you didn’t win one today, we lost. 17 million of us, billions of them. They win just by waking up. Beat ‘em back or they beat you down. Every day. So don’t show me your membership cards or your cancelled checks. Show me your teethmarks on an anti-semite’s throat or get the fuck out. And for your information, I’m the guy that got Charles Freeman. I’m the guy that made that evangelical cunt Stephen Harper boycott Durban and throw George Galloway out on his ass. I’m the guy that got us three long, strong weeks to pound Gaza to hummus. What’d YOU do today, you self-hating crybaby?
What? You’re sniveling about what exactly? The leads? Not strong enough? You’re not strong enough! We gave you killer leads. How inept can you be? Terror! Who can’t sell terror? Get outta the way, sells itself. Osama motherfucking bin Laden. (Simpering) 'Oh, can’t sell that anymore, need new leads.' Mahmoud Ahmadenijad! A fucking gift from God. Old Faithful. Every five minutes, another Jew-hating fart. Anyone can’t sell Mahmoud is a total deadbeat loser. You don’t deserve a Jewish state. Go fish. How do I get through to you people? Huh? You got product. You got leads. Sell. Terror, terror, Islamofascism, terror, Holocaust, terror, anti-semitism, terror, security, terror, civilized values, terror, terror, terror. Sold. Israel forever, river to the sea.
(Walks to a chalkboard) ABC. A-always. B-be. C-condemning. Always be condemning. Always. Not when you fucking feel up to it. Not on Thursday night after a good bowel movement. Always. Be. Condemning. Not chiding. Not criticizing. Condemning! Smearing Israel is a pogrom. Smearing Israel is extermination. Do we critique extermination? Do we remonstrate? No, we condemn! ABC! Desmond Tutu trash-talks Israel. Condemn. Caryl Churchill scrawls a run-on sentence. Condemn. Jerry Adams swabs Guinness off his beard, says ‘Palestine.’ Condemn! Like a gever. Or turn in your book, go pray to Mecca with the rest of the traife.
Listen, every day is doomsday in the Land of Israel. Comes with the territory. The ground belongs to us, or Ali takes it away. That’s it. Gonna fight for it? Gonna mensch up? (Mocking, weak) ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my daughter’ll make aliyah.’ Fuck you. Stay home, make aliyah in your pants. Israel needs you right where you are, kicking ass, naming names, mowing the lawn. I don’t give a shit how tiny that anti-Israel weed looks to you. Mow it! If it might be, could be, may be, bad for Israel, mow it! Mow first, don’t bother asking questions later. John Stewart. Is he just fucking around? Can’t tell? Mow him. Mow that sonofabitch while he’s still smiling. Know what it takes to mow weeds for Israel? (Taking metal balls on a string from his pocket) Big brass ones. Got any? Well, hustle over to Just Brass Balls and get a pair. ‘Cause you gotta mow Mearsheimer. And Walt. And Ronnie Kasrils and Kathy Kelly and Ali Abunimah and John Ging and that whole dungheap at UNRWA. And ol’ George Mitchell and the poofter Tony Blair if they EVER forget who sent them. Capiche? Savvy? Versteht? Act! Act now. Act always, you equivocating sack of shit. ‘Cause Israel doesn’t need part-timers or weak sisters or nervous nellies or any other variety of self-flagellating semi-Jew in this game-that-ain’t-no-game. Sell the enlightened, outnumbered, yearning-for-peace Jewish State and mow those anti-semitic weeds! Or turn in your book and walk to the ovens. Now haul ass.”
A “motivational sales video” obtained by Circus Israel reveals that the combined success of pro-Zionist lobbying and Israeli hasbara is no accident. Although copies of the DVD were apparently distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, the video “Guide to Effective Advocacy for Israel” was unknown to a larger audience until accidentally discovered by a prostitute at a recent AIPAC policy conference. The Guide is narrated by the American actor Alec Baldwin. Speculation that the text was authored by the writer and sensitively virile Jewish warrior David Mamet could not be confirmed, despite repeated waterboarding. Mr. Mamet’s will was simply too strong.
In the video, Mr. Baldwin appears to be in a shabby sales office on a rainy evening, perhaps to symbolize the existential danger that lurks just beyond the camera. Mr. Baldwin says:
“Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…your big beautiful sign. At the synagogue. ‘We Stand With Israel.’ Stand? Who gives a shit where you stand? Huh? Gravestones stand. That your plan for the Jewish People? Extinction? So what’s new? DO something, you fucking mamzer. Act! Or get the hell out. Jimmy Carter’s speaking in your town? Act, you pussy. Ruin him. Break his lease, shut that cracker up, stuff him in a sewer, flail him like a camel. (Whining) ‘But he’s a president.’ Fuck you. He’s what WE say he is. A desiccated, Jew-hating, redneck whack job. Nothing more, nothing less. Because WE said so. Because YOU said so. Or did you bother? Get your sorry ass outta the sitzbath and slime that anti-semitic hillbilly to high heaven right now. Or get the fuck out. Turn in your book, take a hike. We don’t need you.
I'm gonna ask you something. Is there an Arab still teaching at a university within a hundred kilometers of you? Why is that? Huh? What the fuck have you been doing? That cocksucking towel-head spews his blood libel on the State of the Jewish People and you’re too busy? You schlemiel. Act! Take a goddamn meeting with the college chancellor. Hitler was a chancellor. Oh, yeah. How quickly we forget. Talk to that faggot in the language he understands. The mother-tongue of endowment. Grab his grill till he’s staring you right in the eyes and tell him he won’t – repeat, will not - see dollar one if that A-rab hairball gets tenure. This ain’t rocket science, people. We got the little judenrats like Finkelstein and Kovel, we can get Khalidi and Massad and all the other little catfish.
I know exactly what you’re thinking. Who the hell does he think he is? To talk to me like this, a card-carrying member of the AJC? Well hoo-fucking-ray. Who ain’t? If that’s all you got, leave. Turn in your book, marry a goy, take your kids to the church up the street. 'Cause if you didn’t win one today, we lost. 17 million of us, billions of them. They win just by waking up. Beat ‘em back or they beat you down. Every day. So don’t show me your membership cards or your cancelled checks. Show me your teethmarks on an anti-semite’s throat or get the fuck out. And for your information, I’m the guy that got Charles Freeman. I’m the guy that made that evangelical cunt Stephen Harper boycott Durban and throw George Galloway out on his ass. I’m the guy that got us three long, strong weeks to pound Gaza to hummus. What’d YOU do today, you self-hating crybaby?
What? You’re sniveling about what exactly? The leads? Not strong enough? You’re not strong enough! We gave you killer leads. How inept can you be? Terror! Who can’t sell terror? Get outta the way, sells itself. Osama motherfucking bin Laden. (Simpering) 'Oh, can’t sell that anymore, need new leads.' Mahmoud Ahmadenijad! A fucking gift from God. Old Faithful. Every five minutes, another Jew-hating fart. Anyone can’t sell Mahmoud is a total deadbeat loser. You don’t deserve a Jewish state. Go fish. How do I get through to you people? Huh? You got product. You got leads. Sell. Terror, terror, Islamofascism, terror, Holocaust, terror, anti-semitism, terror, security, terror, civilized values, terror, terror, terror. Sold. Israel forever, river to the sea.
(Walks to a chalkboard) ABC. A-always. B-be. C-condemning. Always be condemning. Always. Not when you fucking feel up to it. Not on Thursday night after a good bowel movement. Always. Be. Condemning. Not chiding. Not criticizing. Condemning! Smearing Israel is a pogrom. Smearing Israel is extermination. Do we critique extermination? Do we remonstrate? No, we condemn! ABC! Desmond Tutu trash-talks Israel. Condemn. Caryl Churchill scrawls a run-on sentence. Condemn. Jerry Adams swabs Guinness off his beard, says ‘Palestine.’ Condemn! Like a gever. Or turn in your book, go pray to Mecca with the rest of the traife.
Listen, every day is doomsday in the Land of Israel. Comes with the territory. The ground belongs to us, or Ali takes it away. That’s it. Gonna fight for it? Gonna mensch up? (Mocking, weak) ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my daughter’ll make aliyah.’ Fuck you. Stay home, make aliyah in your pants. Israel needs you right where you are, kicking ass, naming names, mowing the lawn. I don’t give a shit how tiny that anti-Israel weed looks to you. Mow it! If it might be, could be, may be, bad for Israel, mow it! Mow first, don’t bother asking questions later. John Stewart. Is he just fucking around? Can’t tell? Mow him. Mow that sonofabitch while he’s still smiling. Know what it takes to mow weeds for Israel? (Taking metal balls on a string from his pocket) Big brass ones. Got any? Well, hustle over to Just Brass Balls and get a pair. ‘Cause you gotta mow Mearsheimer. And Walt. And Ronnie Kasrils and Kathy Kelly and Ali Abunimah and John Ging and that whole dungheap at UNRWA. And ol’ George Mitchell and the poofter Tony Blair if they EVER forget who sent them. Capiche? Savvy? Versteht? Act! Act now. Act always, you equivocating sack of shit. ‘Cause Israel doesn’t need part-timers or weak sisters or nervous nellies or any other variety of self-flagellating semi-Jew in this game-that-ain’t-no-game. Sell the enlightened, outnumbered, yearning-for-peace Jewish State and mow those anti-semitic weeds! Or turn in your book and walk to the ovens. Now haul ass.”
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