Wednesday, September 9, 2009

 
DESPITE STIMULUS, IS ISRAEL FAILING U.S. ECONOMY?

Israeli officials were on the defensive. Finance Minister and conspiracy theorist Yuval Steinitz angrily rejected the accusation that Israel had not done enough with American military aid to boost the flagging U.S. economy. Steinitz was reacting to an editorial in the influential American magazine TV Guide that charged Israel with failing to spend enough on military hardware in the United States. “What’s Israel doing with all that stimulus cash?” the editorial demanded. “As far as we can tell, it’s going to bonuses and perks instead of Raytheon and Boeing.” Steinitz branded the editorial “genocidal” and declared that “Nobody transfers more dollars from the American taxpayer to the U.S. defense industry than the State of Israel. If they want us to spend more, send it to us.”

Other Israeli officials echoed Steinitz’s refutation of TV Guide’s assertions. “We completely support the American stimulus program,” said compromised Defense Minister Ehud Barak. “Every IDF fighter knows we expect massive firepower and gratuitous target shooting. We prime the pump.”

Still, the TV Guide allegations are not easily dismissed. Israel’s assaults on Gaza and Lebanon didn’t consume the quantity of war materiel that justifies massive replenishment from U.S. suppliers. Big ticket items – aircraft, armored assault vehicles, integrated systems and the like - were essentially undamaged, even by Hezbollah. “Hey, our opponents just aren’t that big,” retorted Barak. “They’re militias, for crying out loud. Throw in some civilians, stretch the campaign out, you still can’t clear much inventory. Size matters in this business.”

Perhaps the greatest failure, according to the TV Guide editorial, is Israel’s inaction in Iran. “Why Israel squanders this opportunity to give America’s economy a golden shot in the arm is beyond comprehension. Apparently, Israel prefers to sit on its grossly excessive stockpiles and contemplate the Judean sunset,” wrote TV Guide.

“Total hypocrisy,” Yuval Steinitz fumed. “Who’s holding us back on Iran? The United States of Ambivalence. Turn us loose, it’ll rain money on McDonnell Douglas.” Added Barak, “Iran will be a big payday for us, too, so we’re motivated. And if the Persians strike back, everyone hits the lottery.”

Another criticism from TV Guide is that American aid is staying in Israel to build settlements, either directly or as an offset to Israel’s own domestic spending. “Settlements? What settlements?” asked Ariel Atias, Israel’s Housing and Construction Minister and staunch foe of ethnic mixing. “The State of Israel hasn’t built anything outside Jerusalem that exceeded natural growth or security needs or territorial expansion. Even if we did a few little things, it was by adjustable rate mortgage from the Messiah.”

As for bonuses, Israeli officials were unapologetic. “Yeah, I got a bonus. So what?” declared Yuval Steinitz. “That’s how we retain and incentivize ambitious philosophy graduates like myself.” Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman said that questions about bonuses intruded into Israel’s internal affairs. “Besides, I spread my bonus with my posse. And I buy a lot of duty free stuff at airports on behalf of the people of Israel.”

Mid-level American officials cautioned Israel to temper its response to the TV Guide editorial. One general, who spoke anonymously because he wasn’t authorized to comment without covering his ass, said “[U.S. Defense Secretary] Bob Gates just told the Arabs to boost their military capabilities against Iran. You don’t need a degree from the University of the Negev to know that‘s code for 'Buy American weapons.' On top of Iraq and Afghanistan, that’s a lot of profits and jobs hooked up to Islam. If I were Israel, I’d buy more Yankee muskets.”

It was left to Shimon Peres, Israel’s President and venerable cloak of insincere moderation, to quell the potential rift between allies. “Of course we’re doing everything in our power to generate military expenditures with our American friends. We’re actively preparing to attack Hezbollah and our actions will be appropriately disproportionate.”

In the meantime, Defense Minister Barak promised there would be no more entry visas for TV Guide.



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