Wednesday, September 23, 2009
MASA RECOVERS LOST JEWISH PROPERTY
Masa, an organization jointly concocted by the Israeli government and the Jewish Agency, recently cancelled an ad campaign decrying assimilation by Jews outside Israel. Alarmed by intermarriage, the campaign urged Israelis to contact Masa and rat out “lost” Jews. Although the ads have been pulled, Masa still receives tips, then dispatches its rapid response teams to bring wayward Jews back into the demographic war. Masa begins the retrieval process with a phone call to the lost Jew. Those calls are randomly monitored for quality assurance, and Circusisrael obtained a transcript of a typical Masa outreach.
NATHAN: Hello.
TEVYE: Natan?
NATHAN: Who’s this?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: Tevye?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: From “Fiddler”?
TEVYE: Of course. Listen, your cousin from Alfei Menashe called. This’s a very disturbing situation.
NATHAN: What is?
TEVYE: The girlfriend who’s not Jewish. It’s inconceivable. Feh!
NATHAN: Tevye, look -
TEVYE: I’m sure she’s a hottie, Natan. Always ready to take off the clothes.
NATHAN: Whoa –
TEVYE: Especially on Friday night. Just when you want to go to synagogue. Off with the clothes -
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa -
TEVYE: This leads to catastrophe, Natan. First the marriage, then the divorce, then she spends your money on G-d-knows-who.
NATHAN: How did you actually say “God” out loud without an “o”?
TEVYE: Don’t blaspheme, Natan. And don’t change the subject. You can’t marry this shiksa. Bad enough I didn’t stop my Hodel from running off with that little Cossack. But the children were still Jewish -
NATHAN: Tevye, enough –
TEVYE: No! Now I sing “Tradition!”
NATHAN: Please don’t –
TEVYE: Your marriage isn’t about you, Natan! It’s about the Jewish people.
NATHAN: So forget love?
TEVYE: Love a Jewish woman, make Jewish babies. Yente’s got already girls for you. You’ll come to Israel, you’ll have lunch, you’ll pick one –
NATHAN: Stop. This’s ridiculous. You’re too late anyway. We’re getting married today.
TEVYE: Today! Oy! Nobody tells me…now I’ve got to send somebody. Where’s that meshuggeneh button. Hold on…
NATHAN: Tevye? Hello?...Shit! Unbelievable –
TEVYE: Ok, I’m back. I had to use the other line to send the Mossad. They –
NATHAN: Mossad!
TEVYE: Just a hood and handcuffs.
NATHAN: Tell me you’re not serious.
TEVYE: So who did you call about the Goldstone Report?
NATHAN What’s the Goldstone Report got to do with –
TEVYE: Can you blow the shofar, Natan?
NATHAN: Shofar? What – are you stalling or something?
TEVYE: So why do you punish your parents with this girl? They got a bad magician for your Bar Mitzvah?
NATHAN: Guns N Roses tribute band.
TEVYE: I like the show tunes myself. “South Pacific.” Listen, I’m going to be frank. This disgraceful marriage doesn’t mean you can’t spend a little time with Jewish women.
NATHAN: How so?
TEVYE: Men have their affairs, Natan. When you have yours, leave the condom in your wallet. Make a Jew.
NATHAN: Tevye, did you…?
TEVYE: Never! Why should I? With Golde, I made 5 daughters.
NATHAN: C’mon, Tevye. You delivered the milk.
TEVYE: Ok, Ok, maybe I was a backdoor man sometimes, but I kept it strictly in the tribe. I should’ve done more - so when the Arabs surrounded our little stetl with their mighty army -
NATHAN: Not the Arabs. The Czar.
TEVYE: What’s the difference, Natan? We’re always the victims. Never forget that.
NATHAN: I need to go dress for the wedding.
TEVYE: I can’t allow this, Natan. We need the numbers, to redeem the land. You’ll make aliyah, marry a righteous Jew, have children for the IDF. That’s it.
NATHAN: What happened to you, Tevye? You were a nice guy.
TEVYE: A schlamazel. They ran us out of Anatevka. Now we run them out.
NATHAN: Yeah, right. I gotta go, Tevya.
TEVYE: Yes, you do.
An EXPLOSION.
NATHAN: Holy shit!! What is this? Tevye, they blew up my wall!!
TEVYE: Of course. In case you booby-trapped the doors.
NATHAN: They’re putting a hood on my head…!
TEVYE: You’re not lost anymore, Nataneleh. Welcome back!
Masa, an organization jointly concocted by the Israeli government and the Jewish Agency, recently cancelled an ad campaign decrying assimilation by Jews outside Israel. Alarmed by intermarriage, the campaign urged Israelis to contact Masa and rat out “lost” Jews. Although the ads have been pulled, Masa still receives tips, then dispatches its rapid response teams to bring wayward Jews back into the demographic war. Masa begins the retrieval process with a phone call to the lost Jew. Those calls are randomly monitored for quality assurance, and Circusisrael obtained a transcript of a typical Masa outreach.
NATHAN: Hello.
TEVYE: Natan?
NATHAN: Who’s this?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: Tevye?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: From “Fiddler”?
TEVYE: Of course. Listen, your cousin from Alfei Menashe called. This’s a very disturbing situation.
NATHAN: What is?
TEVYE: The girlfriend who’s not Jewish. It’s inconceivable. Feh!
NATHAN: Tevye, look -
TEVYE: I’m sure she’s a hottie, Natan. Always ready to take off the clothes.
NATHAN: Whoa –
TEVYE: Especially on Friday night. Just when you want to go to synagogue. Off with the clothes -
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa -
TEVYE: This leads to catastrophe, Natan. First the marriage, then the divorce, then she spends your money on G-d-knows-who.
NATHAN: How did you actually say “God” out loud without an “o”?
TEVYE: Don’t blaspheme, Natan. And don’t change the subject. You can’t marry this shiksa. Bad enough I didn’t stop my Hodel from running off with that little Cossack. But the children were still Jewish -
NATHAN: Tevye, enough –
TEVYE: No! Now I sing “Tradition!”
NATHAN: Please don’t –
TEVYE: Your marriage isn’t about you, Natan! It’s about the Jewish people.
NATHAN: So forget love?
TEVYE: Love a Jewish woman, make Jewish babies. Yente’s got already girls for you. You’ll come to Israel, you’ll have lunch, you’ll pick one –
NATHAN: Stop. This’s ridiculous. You’re too late anyway. We’re getting married today.
TEVYE: Today! Oy! Nobody tells me…now I’ve got to send somebody. Where’s that meshuggeneh button. Hold on…
NATHAN: Tevye? Hello?...Shit! Unbelievable –
TEVYE: Ok, I’m back. I had to use the other line to send the Mossad. They –
NATHAN: Mossad!
TEVYE: Just a hood and handcuffs.
NATHAN: Tell me you’re not serious.
TEVYE: So who did you call about the Goldstone Report?
NATHAN What’s the Goldstone Report got to do with –
TEVYE: Can you blow the shofar, Natan?
NATHAN: Shofar? What – are you stalling or something?
TEVYE: So why do you punish your parents with this girl? They got a bad magician for your Bar Mitzvah?
NATHAN: Guns N Roses tribute band.
TEVYE: I like the show tunes myself. “South Pacific.” Listen, I’m going to be frank. This disgraceful marriage doesn’t mean you can’t spend a little time with Jewish women.
NATHAN: How so?
TEVYE: Men have their affairs, Natan. When you have yours, leave the condom in your wallet. Make a Jew.
NATHAN: Tevye, did you…?
TEVYE: Never! Why should I? With Golde, I made 5 daughters.
NATHAN: C’mon, Tevye. You delivered the milk.
TEVYE: Ok, Ok, maybe I was a backdoor man sometimes, but I kept it strictly in the tribe. I should’ve done more - so when the Arabs surrounded our little stetl with their mighty army -
NATHAN: Not the Arabs. The Czar.
TEVYE: What’s the difference, Natan? We’re always the victims. Never forget that.
NATHAN: I need to go dress for the wedding.
TEVYE: I can’t allow this, Natan. We need the numbers, to redeem the land. You’ll make aliyah, marry a righteous Jew, have children for the IDF. That’s it.
NATHAN: What happened to you, Tevye? You were a nice guy.
TEVYE: A schlamazel. They ran us out of Anatevka. Now we run them out.
NATHAN: Yeah, right. I gotta go, Tevya.
TEVYE: Yes, you do.
An EXPLOSION.
NATHAN: Holy shit!! What is this? Tevye, they blew up my wall!!
TEVYE: Of course. In case you booby-trapped the doors.
NATHAN: They’re putting a hood on my head…!
TEVYE: You’re not lost anymore, Nataneleh. Welcome back!
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
