Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kook’s website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.

Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, I’m being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I can’t be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.

Avram, from Itamar.

Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obama’s America. I can’t resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Al’s King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL – of course you didn’t pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi. I’m 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, won’t G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?

Eliana from Betar Illit.

Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be “modern” - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.

Dear Rabbi – I’m a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. I’m a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win – man, it isn’t even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though I’m from a small country that’s dependent on the US.

Luis “The Plague” Herrera from San Juan.

Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isn’t trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome – and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and can’t be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. We’d barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldn’t wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,

Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.

Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary must’ve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. “Goebbelstone.” (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased “investigation” from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how we’ve redefined Jimmy Carter – an American President!! – as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.

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