Sunday, October 11, 2009


PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israel’s leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish State’s ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israel’s demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the “5+1 Group” and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israel’s cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iran’s flagrant infringement of Israel’s internationally recognized copyright. “We wrote the book on ‘Talk & Take,’” said Israel’s insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. “We put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. This’s our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.”

Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated ‘Talk & Take’ program. “That provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?” asked Moshe “Boogie” Ya’alon, Israel’s other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. “When I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Wait’ll our lawyers get done with him.”

In fact, Israel’s lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israel’s West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICC’s jurisdiction in 2002. “So what?” snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. “Now we want something.”

“But let's be clear that these allegations can’t be turned against us,” cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. “When you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.”

Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. “No Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,” Morris said. “Ben-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would – wait, is he dead yet or what?”

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