Saturday, December 19, 2009


Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, there’s concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (“An Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitch”). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezer’s office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.

…Next analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.


The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israel’s leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girl’s best friend – and, of course, they’re forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN “blood diamond” accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency weren’t worthless, our mercenaries wouldn’t have to require diamonds as payment.)


The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-one–at-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (“Uzi’s Club”) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons don’t respect borders. They define them.


Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committee’s favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.


We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.


Teva’s status as the world’s largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for “Palestinian-made” goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper – our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.


Israel’s leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people won’t sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.


Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious – a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.


The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers won’t be lost to our Arab enemies. It’s common knowledge that Arabs can’t produce, or even use, technology.

*Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine*-lol. dats crazy. i live there. the persenage of russian woman there is pretty high-they are wifes of jewish immigrants. but there are nothing that looks like human traffic-its noncence.
So, Ilona, simply living somewhere makes one an expert on anything and everything about a place, right? You don't actually have to do any digging? Well, allow me to turn the first sod for you. Go to the Israel Women's Network ( and look under 'human trafficking'.
Hi David, re "It's common knowledge that Arabs can't produce, or even use, technology," here's one for the anti-BDS committee: "Iraqi militants have used $28 off-the-shelf software to intercept live video feeds from US Predator drones, potentially allowing them to evade or monitor US military operations." (Wall St Journal, 18/12/09)

The Jaffa Orange is delicious, as you state. However, not to be "nit picky" but labeling requirements for food imported to the US require the country of origin to be accurately provided. Thus, while these excellent oranges were produced during the nineteenth century when the Ottoman Empire controlled Palestine, it would be illegal to say the country of origin is anything other than the current entity -- Israel.


I too hate to be nit picky but is 'Demosthenes' an accurate label?

Of course it is. I have been called it for 50 years.


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