Thursday, November 19, 2009


Japanese author Taro Gomi’s beloved children’s book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomi’s charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore life’s elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a “handful of revisions” were made to Gomi’s work, to remove the “new anti-semitism” implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.

Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.

Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.

Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.

Arabs poop.
On other people’s land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians won’t poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.

Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israel’s military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Here’s a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.

Europeans poop.
It’s all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.

Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israel’s poop.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, it’s just more of the diplomatic “69” the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock – but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldn’t it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israel’s passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?

From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 – MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has “enormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.” He has also “set up an enormous real estate project…including 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.”

From Reuters, March 20, 2008 – The US government has penalized the “BM Group, Cuba’s largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.” The BM Group is also described as “Cuba’s biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havana’s main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].” The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.

These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But they’re buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan – he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)

Let’s face it, Israel, you’re going through the motions on this American embargo. You’re faking it. You’re two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?

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