Saturday, December 19, 2009


Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, there’s concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (“An Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitch”). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezer’s office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.

…Next analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.


The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israel’s leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girl’s best friend – and, of course, they’re forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN “blood diamond” accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency weren’t worthless, our mercenaries wouldn’t have to require diamonds as payment.)


The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-one–at-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (“Uzi’s Club”) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons don’t respect borders. They define them.


Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committee’s favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.


We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.


Teva’s status as the world’s largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for “Palestinian-made” goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper – our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.


Israel’s leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people won’t sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.


Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious – a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.


The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers won’t be lost to our Arab enemies. It’s common knowledge that Arabs can’t produce, or even use, technology.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel – the ones with “Free Gilad” t-shirts and posters and websites – would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didn’t, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalit’s.

1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed “no-go” zone on the Palestinian side of the border.

2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for “membership in an illegal organization” (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.

3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their child’s tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?

4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that he’s denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?

5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.

6) Israel hasn’t agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) he’s consuming much of Gaza’s meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.

7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalit’s 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunu’s 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.

8) After he’s released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before they’re captured (the “Hannibal Procedure”); d) all of the above.

9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no “b.”

10) True or false: after Gilad Shalit’s release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.

Bonus question for ardent Giladniks – do you think his family might be tired of your shit?

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