Saturday, January 23, 2010


Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late – certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharon’s bowel noises. But it’s great to be late when you get it straight – and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???

What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israel’s ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?

Not convinced Uday’s the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - what’s Israel’s message to the world? You’re either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israel’s a big ol’ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didn’t like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israel’s Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Uday’s. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.

“I really admired that rascal,” said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. “How many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.”

Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, “Uday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.”

Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.

President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committee’s Choice. “Listen, I’m being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I can’t always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine – his personal Shoah – but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.”

And finally, don’t forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So don’t tell us that Uday’s you’ll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesn’t remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israel’s Man of the Decade – Uday Saddam Hussein!!

Spoilt brats, both of them. The products of permissive parenting. If only Daddy had taken away the keys to Uday's Lamborghini. If only Daddy would take away the keys to Israel's F-16.
Isn't Uday a secret sabra?


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