Circus Israel

THANK GOD I WASN’T BORN A GENTILE

In 2009, MK Zevulun Orlev (New National Religious Party) proposed legislation to criminalize public denial of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish and democratic state (but only if that denial might arouse attitudes rejected by all civilized people, such as “disdain”). Also in that year, MK Alex Miller (Yisrael Beitenu) presented a law outlawing commemoration of al Nakba (that sourpuss Palestinian slur for Israeli independence). Yet purple-lipped, Jew-hating zealots vilified us. Us! The Only Democracy in the Middle East! For what? For doing nothing more than invoking our inalienable right to punish opinions we don’t want to hear. Oh, the things they called us – small-minded, racist, weak. Anything to put Jews on the defensive. Now we’re getting hassled for a military order authorizing expulsion or imprisonment of any Palestinian in the West Bank without proper Israeli-issued West Bank identification. Aren’t we the only nation being de-legitimized for administrative efficiency?

Enough. No more explanations, justifications or strategic and minutely limited contrition. No more soothing your gentile sensibilities. The gloves are coming off. Goyim, here’s the truth. We’re better. That’s it. Case closed. Jews are better. You already knew that. Now deal with it. No more asking us to change things for you. Why should we? We’re already better than you. Next time we do something you don’t like, keep your mouths shut. Who are you to tell us anything? You’re less. And in this case, less is not more. Thank God we weren’t born gentiles. Now get out. Leave Eretz Israel. Why would we want you here? We want to be around better people. We are better people. Go. If we want you to do something for us, we’ll let you know. Until then, just go.

We’ve tried to tell you this for a long time. “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” This is our prayer. What part didn’t you understand? “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” Either you didn’t listen carefully or we overestimated your gentile capacity to understand our meaning. So now we’ll remind you every time our paths intersect. We’ve proposed a new law in the Knesset - the “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Law.” It requires us to tell you, whenever possible, how we feel about ourselves and about you. Under the TGIWBAG Law, the words “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile” must appear conspicuously in any document or be spoken in a loud, strong voice whenever:

Israel accepts financial aid, loan guarantees or weaponry from the United States or any other nation;

Israel demands that another country sanction or attack Iran;

Israel demands (1) a veto of an unfavorable UN resolution or (2) international repudiation of a UN agency, an NGO, a BDS proposal or the Goldstone Report;

An Israeli official or diplomat lobbies the US Congress, the parliament of any other nation or any multi-national organization;

Israel enters into a treaty or other agreement with any nation or people;

Anything produced in Israel or by Jewish settlers in the occupied territories is offered for sale outside Israel;

Israel issues a Jewish “nationality” passport (but not any of the other 100-plus “nationalities” on Israeli passports);

Israel communicates with any foreign ambassador or emissary who has not already been insulted;

Israel accepts money or support from a Christian Zionist (unless a Rapture occurs first);

A Jewish Israeli describes “our shared values” to any Western media outlet;

Israel equals or exceeds its total of 1 bronze medal in the 2008 Olympics (note: calling the host nation “scum,” as bronze medalist Sahar Zudari did in Beijing, cannot be substituted for “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile”);

A Jewish Israeli copies the cuisine, music, television, film, dance or popular culture of another people or nation (this includes any version of the high-five, rapping in any language, karaoke and Amir “Brother” Benayoun’s music);

Omri Casspi accepts his paycheck from the Maloof family, the Lebanese-American owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings;

Bibi’s comb-over appears in a foreign publication (speak firmly - and no laughing).

So, gentile, hopefully this will clarify, once and for all, our perspective on Jewish-only highways and Arab inhabitation of East Jerusalem. And the next time you fly into Israel on Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airlines, land at Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airport, and exchange your currency for a stack of Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentiles, look closely at those proud and pious Jewish men strolling in their handsome fur Shtreimels and conversing in Hebrew. You’ll know exactly what they’re thinking.

# posted by david bar echsam @ 9:25 PM