Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud “Little 2-Face” Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe “Boogie” Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi “Dracula” Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer “Chopstix” Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that “we aren’t North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there aren’t second chances for those that don’t defend themselves.” So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.

CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of –

BARAK: Man, don’t be puttin’ your sandal on that footlocker. Y’all disrespectin’ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.

CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. I’m just trying to make sure I understand…when you say “no mercy for the weak,” are you implying the Flotilla was weak? We’ve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.

BARAK: Now y’all puttin’ words in my mouth, yo. What I’m tellin’ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ain’t no way ‘round that in this world.

CI: So you’re saying Israel can’t be perceived as weak or she’ll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -

BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethin’ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gon’ do? Y’all gon’ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gon’ crack my motherfuckin’ head open. Or next time, won’t be no jelly bean. I’ll be takin’ the motherfuckin’ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any ol’ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gon’ do then? Nothin’. ‘Cause it too late.

CI: So it’s as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison –

BARAK: Now you getting’ it, baby. Y’all in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gon’ be somebody’s bitch.

CI: But how do you get out of –

BARAK: Out?! Y’all must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ain’t no out. Shit.

CI: It’s so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.

BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.

CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous “generous offer” at Camp David.

BARAK: Man, y’all gotta understand they wasn’t no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other ho’s. Man, I don’t give nothin’ away. You want what I got, gon’ have to take it.

CI: Aren’t you like a prisoner that’s become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?

BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep ‘em mean.

CI: Even cruel?

BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixin’ to whup my ass. Thinkin’ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gon’ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he don’t never ever think about whupping my ass again. He don’t just think twice about it. He don’t think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothin’ inside him but the fear.

CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justice…

BARAK: Boy, y’all one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else – killaz now, killaz forevuh.

CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said “the IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.” Isn’t that contradicting –

BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.

CI: There’s that vaunted Jewish sense of humor…

BARAK: Ain’t no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitin’ on? Pop a cap in that motherfucker’s ass.

CI: Ahh!! I’m a journalist!

BARAK: Ain’t that some sweet shit…Dracula, cap his ass again!

If I may suggest an amendment to your title: Barak Follows the (Stern) Gangsta Lifestyle?
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