Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Israel’s drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFA’s inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the world’s gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFA’s self-serving procedures “disputed.” All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israel’s Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.

Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg

We’re talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africa’s been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone else’s goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporter’s loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!

“This team's firing on all cylinders!” gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. “I don’t like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, it’s all up to them.”

It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!

Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldn’t be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they could’ve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!

What you football crazies need to understand is this ain’t your rabbi’s old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (“Thank God you’re a man,” the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!

Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, security’s always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a “well-meaning” Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Let’s just say he’s headed his last ball.

Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israel’s-always-wrong crowd can’t stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then there’s that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): “These Israeli guys’re always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, there’s not even a goalie left. But they’re still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.” Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasn’t shown up down here. He’d cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)

By the way, let’s quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad “hit.” Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get “killed” in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.

Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the “official” winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesn’t wait forever. One way or the other…See you at the finals!

You have one of the best blogs around on this subject. You do for Israel what George Orwell did for the USSR. Please, whatever you do, keep blogging.

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