Tuesday, April 27, 2010
THANK GOD I WASN’T BORN A GENTILE
In 2009, MK Zevulun Orlev (New National Religious Party) proposed legislation to criminalize public denial of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish and democratic state (but only if that denial might arouse attitudes rejected by all civilized people, such as “disdain”). Also in that year, MK Alex Miller (Yisrael Beitenu) presented a law outlawing commemoration of al Nakba (that sourpuss Palestinian slur for Israeli independence). Yet purple-lipped, Jew-hating zealots vilified us. Us! The Only Democracy in the Middle East! For what? For doing nothing more than invoking our inalienable right to punish opinions we don’t want to hear. Oh, the things they called us – small-minded, racist, weak. Anything to put Jews on the defensive. Now we’re getting hassled for a military order authorizing expulsion or imprisonment of any Palestinian in the West Bank without proper Israeli-issued West Bank identification. Aren’t we the only nation being de-legitimized for administrative efficiency?
Enough. No more explanations, justifications or strategic and minutely limited contrition. No more soothing your gentile sensibilities. The gloves are coming off. Goyim, here’s the truth. We’re better. That’s it. Case closed. Jews are better. You already knew that. Now deal with it. No more asking us to change things for you. Why should we? We’re already better than you. Next time we do something you don’t like, keep your mouths shut. Who are you to tell us anything? You’re less. And in this case, less is not more. Thank God we weren’t born gentiles. Now get out. Leave Eretz Israel. Why would we want you here? We want to be around better people. We are better people. Go. If we want you to do something for us, we’ll let you know. Until then, just go.
We’ve tried to tell you this for a long time. “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” This is our prayer. What part didn’t you understand? “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” Either you didn’t listen carefully or we overestimated your gentile capacity to understand our meaning. So now we’ll remind you every time our paths intersect. We’ve proposed a new law in the Knesset - the “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Law.” It requires us to tell you, whenever possible, how we feel about ourselves and about you. Under the TGIWBAG Law, the words “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile” must appear conspicuously in any document or be spoken in a loud, strong voice whenever:
Israel accepts financial aid, loan guarantees or weaponry from the United States or any other nation;
Israel demands that another country sanction or attack Iran;
Israel demands (1) a veto of an unfavorable UN resolution or (2) international repudiation of a UN agency, an NGO, a BDS proposal or the Goldstone Report;
An Israeli official or diplomat lobbies the US Congress, the parliament of any other nation or any multi-national organization;
Israel enters into a treaty or other agreement with any nation or people;
Anything produced in Israel or by Jewish settlers in the occupied territories is offered for sale outside Israel;
Israel issues a Jewish “nationality” passport (but not any of the other 100-plus “nationalities” on Israeli passports);
Israel communicates with any foreign ambassador or emissary who has not already been insulted;
Israel accepts money or support from a Christian Zionist (unless a Rapture occurs first);
A Jewish Israeli describes “our shared values” to any Western media outlet;
Israel equals or exceeds its total of 1 bronze medal in the 2008 Olympics (note: calling the host nation “scum,” as bronze medalist Sahar Zudari did in Beijing, cannot be substituted for “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile”);
A Jewish Israeli copies the cuisine, music, television, film, dance or popular culture of another people or nation (this includes any version of the high-five, rapping in any language, karaoke and Amir “Brother” Benayoun’s music);
Omri Casspi accepts his paycheck from the Maloof family, the Lebanese-American owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings;
Bibi’s comb-over appears in a foreign publication (speak firmly - and no laughing).
So, gentile, hopefully this will clarify, once and for all, our perspective on Jewish-only highways and Arab inhabitation of East Jerusalem. And the next time you fly into Israel on Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airlines, land at Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airport, and exchange your currency for a stack of Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentiles, look closely at those proud and pious Jewish men strolling in their handsome fur Shtreimels and conversing in Hebrew. You’ll know exactly what they’re thinking.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, God’s eternally Chosen People and humankind’s eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If you’re too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesn’t.
THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)
Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israel’s struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (“[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.”) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another “and kill” to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes “all day, every day” to “24/7/365.” The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, “will become even bigger animals than they are today.” The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans don’t quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, they’re doomed to live as werewolves.
SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).
In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israel’s image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israel’s supporters with “Justification Fatigue.” He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDF’s principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed “I feel really flatulent.” But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. “Let them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. They’ll awaken to a united Jerusalem.”
IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)
No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to America’s presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)
The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israel’s most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews don’t speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldstein’s medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldstein’s idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.
CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)
Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as “cowardly and naïve.”
AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).
In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israel’s Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israel’s “culinary High Priestess” and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach – how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shi’ite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.
DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)
The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for “the despised,” by pit-bulling for some of America’s biggest – and often wealthiest – assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. “I am,” he insists, “my toughest case.” Labeling himself an “utterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,” the frothy professor persuades us that he’s everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.
RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).
Israel’s Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabet’s letter “J.” After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital “J” the “eternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.” Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. “It is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.”
SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).
Israel’s Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when they’re not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.
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