Thursday, March 27, 2008


Circus Israel’s new National Complaint and Help Line has completed its testing phase with flying colors. Now, anyone with a cellphone, landline or VOIP connection can easily obtain official information or assistance by dialing 211. This is what you’ll hear:

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

[3 is pressed]

“If you’re not an Arab, press 2. If you are, press 484329103 twice without pausing between any numbers, then wait 7 seconds and press the same sequence backwards, pausing either 2, 4 or 16 seconds between numbers, depending upon the security situation. You must alternate hands when pressing each number. However, if you begin with your left hand, do not complete dialing with your right hand if you are a male under 45 years of age or a female who has given birth. If you cough while dialing, begin the sequence again, but not today.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed without coughing]

“The sequence you pressed is not recognized. Please dial a recognized sequence.”

[the Arab sequence is again pressed without coughing]

“If you really must persist, say `I must persist’ flawlessly in Hebrew.

[“I must persist” is spoken in Hebrew]

“All representatives are currently unavailable or have not been connected to the Complaint and Help Line. If this is an emergency, repeat the earlier dialing sequence to repeat this message.”

[the Arab sequence is pressed again, with brief coughing]

“Your coughing is not a humanitarian crisis. You are attempting to sway international opinion against the State of Israel. No nation on earth would permit this aggression. Press 7 to apologize.”

[7 is pressed]

“That was insincere and solely intended to buy time to re-arm the terror infrastructure. Press and say 5 simultaneously to demonstrate sincerity. Or press 8 for other humiliation.”

[8 is pressed]

“Remove your clothing, put your hands behind your head and place your identity papers in your mouth. Do not move unless directed to do so by a soldier or border policeman. After 45 minutes in a bent-over position, you may terminate this call by saying ‘terminate this call’ in Mandarin Chinese spoken with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada.”

[after the required interval, “terminate this call” is spoken in Mandarin Chinese with the accent of a Bolivian who attended university in western Canada]

“Shalom. Welcome to Israel’s National Complaint and Help Line. Your call might be very important to us. If you’re Jewish, press 1. If not, press 3.”

Friday, March 21, 2008


Circus Israel’s revered national game, faux negotiations with the Palestinians, is on again – and as fresh as ever. We talk and we take, while the clock ticks away. And when the sun goes down, Circus Israel’s a little larger and Mohammed’s a little more exhausted.

But is it as easy at it looks? We spoke with Circus Israel’s current ringmaster and head bullshit artist, Ehud Olmert. Here’s how he plays the game…

EO: Listen, Abbas knows my end game. More land, fewer Arabs. That’s it. But we meet anyway, for Condoleeza Brown Rice and the European Union. We talk. I kill time. We talk. I kill more time. Anything I can do to stall. I stall like a yeshiva boy outside the girls’ toilet. If I didn’t have some fun with it, I’d go crazy. I floss my teeth, I start sobbing, I laugh like a monkey, I text Livni with raunchy jokes. I make us exercise, half an hour, as much as they’ll take. I told Erekat, “You’re so fat, Saeb. Sweat, goddamn you!” Oy, the things that pop out of my mouth. “Mahmoud, let’s give each other a massage.” “Hey, who’s this Guitar Hero I keep hearing about?” But seriously, when I just can’t take anymore, I run some jeeps into Tulkarm for a shoot-up and the Pals go pout for a few days. Look, it is what it is. They can’t take a hint, so we do what we have to. It makes the time pass.

Circus Israel: Aren’t you concerned they’ll call your bluff and agree to your terms?

EO: My terms? My terms are bubbles. You can hardly see them – then poof.

CI: But seriously –

EO: Listen, this’ll never end. Even if they agreed to leave, who says they’d stay away?

CI; What about Sderot and Ashkelon? If this conflict never ends –

EO: Sderot and Ashkelon are waging the eternal struggle of the Jewish People by making our enemies look bad. We all have to sacrifice. I have to get a sore tuchus listening to Ahmed Queria. Hey, how about a massage?

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Because the shooter at the Mercaz Herav yeshiva was an Israeli Arab, it’s clear that the Palestinians have a far greater advantage in Self-Destructing Weapons (SDW) than previously estimated. On the assumption that every Arab in the territories is an SDW, Circus Israel’s military establishment had quantified the Palestinian SDW stockpile at approximately 3.5 million. After the yeshiva attack, however, officials have conceded that Arab citizens of Israel must be counted, bringing the Palestinian SDW arsenal to at least 5 million. In contrast, the Jews of Circus Israel, who enjoy feeding the Palestinians their own medicine, have yet to develop a credible SDW. As former Chief of Staff Moshe Yaalon acknowledges, “We follow General Patton’s maxim that no son-of-a-bitch wins a war dying for his country, but by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. But this hasn’t really fulfilled our strategic objectives. We seem to do better just taking their land.” Under pressure from the Shas party, which threatened to leave the governing coalition unless the massive SDW imbalance is eliminated, Defense Minister Ehud Barak has attempted to purchase SDWs from Thailand, Romania and other potential suppliers. Other than a delivery of 2 million human kidneys from Brazil, these efforts have been unsuccessful. “Asymmetrical warfare is completely unfair to Israel,” declared Internal Security Minister Avi Dichter. “When we’re on the short end, I mean.”

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


MK and Deputy Minister of Defense Matan Vilnai has threatened the Gaza Strip with a "holocaust." Genocidal threats always put Circus Israel in a reflective mood, so we’re proud to inaugurate the Matan Vilnai Essay Contest, open to all righteous Jews. In honor of General Vilnai’s bachelor’s degree in General History (as well as his tenure as Chairman of the Minsterial Committee on the Affairs of Arab Citizens - we're not making this up), our topic is: “Chosen People or Master Race?” Compare and contrast, fulminate and self-congratulate. All entries must be anonymous, misspelled and bursting with prophecy. The author of the winning essay will receive a blindfold and the runner-up can follow the winner around.

Saturday, March 8, 2008


On the day of Purim, February 25, 1994, Dr. Baruch Goldstein killed 29 praying Arabs and wounded 150 more with a machine-gun at the Tomb of the Patriarchs. All of Circus Israel no doubt mourns this senseless loss of life, as it does more recent tragedies.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Dominant male white Zionist Entity seeks partner for one-sided conflict resolution. I am powerful and fixated, yet profoundly complex and achingly poetic. You must be servile, desperate and repugnant to everyone. I love long, romantic walks on your land, sipping water from your aquifers, winter rain on a checkpoint, all-night talks about why I won’t talk, reviewing combat errors and window-shopping. You adore construction and fruit-picking. Turn-offs – non-Jewish head coverings, non-Jewish falafel and non-Jews. Come, let’s make a lasting arrangement with deep tunnels and soaring walls. Explore with me the small and crowded spaces that will be your home. We’ll dance madly to Hatikvah as we say farewell! (Dov Weisglass says, "No fatties!")

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