Thursday, April 23, 2009


A “motivational sales video” obtained by Circus Israel reveals that the combined success of pro-Zionist lobbying and Israeli hasbara is no accident. Although copies of the DVD were apparently distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, the video “Guide to Effective Advocacy for Israel” was unknown to a larger audience until accidentally discovered by a prostitute at a recent AIPAC policy conference. The Guide is narrated by the American actor Alec Baldwin. Speculation that the text was authored by the writer and sensitively virile Jewish warrior David Mamet could not be confirmed, despite repeated waterboarding. Mr. Mamet’s will was simply too strong.

In the video, Mr. Baldwin appears to be in a shabby sales office on a rainy evening, perhaps to symbolize the existential danger that lurks just beyond the camera. Mr. Baldwin says:

“Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…your big beautiful sign. At the synagogue. ‘We Stand With Israel.’ Stand? Who gives a shit where you stand? Huh? Gravestones stand. That your plan for the Jewish People? Extinction? So what’s new? DO something, you fucking mamzer. Act! Or get the hell out. Jimmy Carter’s speaking in your town? Act, you pussy. Ruin him. Break his lease, shut that cracker up, stuff him in a sewer, flail him like a camel. (Whining) ‘But he’s a president.’ Fuck you. He’s what WE say he is. A desiccated, Jew-hating, redneck whack job. Nothing more, nothing less. Because WE said so. Because YOU said so. Or did you bother? Get your sorry ass outta the sitzbath and slime that anti-semitic hillbilly to high heaven right now. Or get the fuck out. Turn in your book, take a hike. We don’t need you.

I'm gonna ask you something. Is there an Arab still teaching at a university within a hundred kilometers of you? Why is that? Huh? What the fuck have you been doing? That cocksucking towel-head spews his blood libel on the State of the Jewish People and you’re too busy? You schlemiel. Act! Take a goddamn meeting with the college chancellor. Hitler was a chancellor. Oh, yeah. How quickly we forget. Talk to that faggot in the language he understands. The mother-tongue of endowment. Grab his grill till he’s staring you right in the eyes and tell him he won’t – repeat, will not - see dollar one if that A-rab hairball gets tenure. This ain’t rocket science, people. We got the little judenrats like Finkelstein and Kovel, we can get Khalidi and Massad and all the other little catfish.

I know exactly what you’re thinking. Who the hell does he think he is? To talk to me like this, a card-carrying member of the AJC? Well hoo-fucking-ray. Who ain’t? If that’s all you got, leave. Turn in your book, marry a goy, take your kids to the church up the street. 'Cause if you didn’t win one today, we lost. 17 million of us, billions of them. They win just by waking up. Beat ‘em back or they beat you down. Every day. So don’t show me your membership cards or your cancelled checks. Show me your teethmarks on an anti-semite’s throat or get the fuck out. And for your information, I’m the guy that got Charles Freeman. I’m the guy that made that evangelical cunt Stephen Harper boycott Durban and throw George Galloway out on his ass. I’m the guy that got us three long, strong weeks to pound Gaza to hummus. What’d YOU do today, you self-hating crybaby?

What? You’re sniveling about what exactly? The leads? Not strong enough? You’re not strong enough! We gave you killer leads. How inept can you be? Terror! Who can’t sell terror? Get outta the way, sells itself. Osama motherfucking bin Laden. (Simpering) 'Oh, can’t sell that anymore, need new leads.' Mahmoud Ahmadenijad! A fucking gift from God. Old Faithful. Every five minutes, another Jew-hating fart. Anyone can’t sell Mahmoud is a total deadbeat loser. You don’t deserve a Jewish state. Go fish. How do I get through to you people? Huh? You got product. You got leads. Sell. Terror, terror, Islamofascism, terror, Holocaust, terror, anti-semitism, terror, security, terror, civilized values, terror, terror, terror. Sold. Israel forever, river to the sea.

(Walks to a chalkboard) ABC. A-always. B-be. C-condemning. Always be condemning. Always. Not when you fucking feel up to it. Not on Thursday night after a good bowel movement. Always. Be. Condemning. Not chiding. Not criticizing. Condemning! Smearing Israel is a pogrom. Smearing Israel is extermination. Do we critique extermination? Do we remonstrate? No, we condemn! ABC! Desmond Tutu trash-talks Israel. Condemn. Caryl Churchill scrawls a run-on sentence. Condemn. Jerry Adams swabs Guinness off his beard, says ‘Palestine.’ Condemn! Like a gever. Or turn in your book, go pray to Mecca with the rest of the traife.

Listen, every day is doomsday in the Land of Israel. Comes with the territory. The ground belongs to us, or Ali takes it away. That’s it. Gonna fight for it? Gonna mensch up? (Mocking, weak) ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe my daughter’ll make aliyah.’ Fuck you. Stay home, make aliyah in your pants. Israel needs you right where you are, kicking ass, naming names, mowing the lawn. I don’t give a shit how tiny that anti-Israel weed looks to you. Mow it! If it might be, could be, may be, bad for Israel, mow it! Mow first, don’t bother asking questions later. John Stewart. Is he just fucking around? Can’t tell? Mow him. Mow that sonofabitch while he’s still smiling. Know what it takes to mow weeds for Israel? (Taking metal balls on a string from his pocket) Big brass ones. Got any? Well, hustle over to Just Brass Balls and get a pair. ‘Cause you gotta mow Mearsheimer. And Walt. And Ronnie Kasrils and Kathy Kelly and Ali Abunimah and John Ging and that whole dungheap at UNRWA. And ol’ George Mitchell and the poofter Tony Blair if they EVER forget who sent them. Capiche? Savvy? Versteht? Act! Act now. Act always, you equivocating sack of shit. ‘Cause Israel doesn’t need part-timers or weak sisters or nervous nellies or any other variety of self-flagellating semi-Jew in this game-that-ain’t-no-game. Sell the enlightened, outnumbered, yearning-for-peace Jewish State and mow those anti-semitic weeds! Or turn in your book and walk to the ovens. Now haul ass.”

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Dear Taxpayer:

It’s tax time again in the United States of America. As we gratefully pay our annual dues to Circus Israel, our staunchest ally and colonial subcontractor, here’s WHAT’S NEW IN 2008:

CAST LEAD SURCHARGE – Regrettably, Israel was unable to bend Gaza to its will by withholding life’s essentials. It became necessary to expend essential military resources in the defensive operation known as Cast Lead, which Israel survived against all odds. Naturally, these resources must be replaced by the United States. A surcharge of .01542% of adjusted gross income will be added to each taxpayer’s return on Line 58a of Form 1040.

GAZA RECOVERY – America is committed to full restoration of the Gaza Strip to its pre-invasion status as a forlorn purgatory. If Israel had to bear this financial burden itself, it would be discouraged from inflicting sufficient destruction during future invasions to maintain deterrence. Accordingly, a Gaza Recovery Factor of .008793% of adjusted gross income will be added on Line 58b of Form 1040. This Factor may be quadrupled in tax year 2009 if Israel allows the Palestinians to use cement. Deductions for direct donations of expired medicines, dubious lunch meat or abstinence pamphlets must be claimed on Form GR, which will become available after every Palestinian sincerely recognizes Israel with a full and joyous heart.

WEST BANK STIMULUS PLAN – Ultra-masculine Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has proposed rapid development of the Palestinian economy. In order to find a Palestinian economy, painstaking research will be conducted. If an economy can be found or invented among the captive and disconnected townships allotted for Palestinian subsistence, stimulus funding will be necessary. Since any resulting economic activity would compete with Israeli enterprises, compensation for lost Israeli revenue must be provided. The West Bank Stimulus Plan will therefore reduce the value of each personal exemption on Line 6d by a nickel.

ISRAELI RESTRAINT RIDER – The United States has publicly discouraged Israel from striking Iran’s nuclear facilities. By accepting this restraint on its capacity to project strength across the borders of other nations, Israel has spared America the enormous expense of underwriting yet another war with an Islamic country. Yet those savings have cost Israel dearly – by risking Israel’s regional nuclear monopoly, by diminishing its international reputation as an implacable psychopath, and by implicitly suggesting that its existential fears can be tempered by rational discourse. As compensation, an Israeli Restraint Rider of 1.5% will be added to the total tax reported on Line 61 of Form 1040, and Hezbollah will get teed up like a Sudanese refugee truck.

2-STATE CHECK-OFF – It’s not easy to sustain the illusive “carrot” of a Palestinian state in the distant tomorrow. Ambiguous diplomatic gestures, along with camouflage for settlement expansion and Arab dispossession, require constant calibration. The cost of these vital activities will soar under the Netanyahu administration, as it tirelessly sidesteps explicit contradictions. Americans can voluntarily support these efforts through the 2-State Check-Off, located at the top of Form 1040, which allocates $3 per taxpayer to the “peace process,” the “Roadmap” or “two states living side-by-side, like a gentlemen and his towel.” Yes, checking this box will change your tax or refund.

FOREIGN TAX CREDIT. The Foreign Tax Credit on Line 47 of Form 1040 is now unlimited for dual Israeli-American citizens, provided that at least 25% of such taxes are spent by Israel on US goods, such as un-manned drones or un-droned men. American citizens with Palestinian “passports” cannot claim the credit for taxes paid in Palestine. Palestine is not a state.

HIDDEN TAX – Certain operations and arrangements with Israel (and occasionally Egypt) are frankly none of your business. Nevertheless, President Obama has mandated general disclosure of the Hidden Tax, since there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Listen, don’t tie up our Help Line with a bunch of questions. We can’t track the money either. All we know is that everybody's serious.

“Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.”

Commissioner Douglas “Doug” Shulman (quoting Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes).

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