Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Masa, an organization jointly concocted by the Israeli government and the Jewish Agency, recently cancelled an ad campaign decrying assimilation by Jews outside Israel. Alarmed by intermarriage, the campaign urged Israelis to contact Masa and rat out “lost” Jews. Although the ads have been pulled, Masa still receives tips, then dispatches its rapid response teams to bring wayward Jews back into the demographic war. Masa begins the retrieval process with a phone call to the lost Jew. Those calls are randomly monitored for quality assurance, and Circusisrael obtained a transcript of a typical Masa outreach.

NATHAN: Hello.
TEVYE: Natan?
NATHAN: Who’s this?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: Tevye?
TEVYE: Tevye.
NATHAN: From “Fiddler”?
TEVYE: Of course. Listen, your cousin from Alfei Menashe called. This’s a very disturbing situation.
NATHAN: What is?
TEVYE: The girlfriend who’s not Jewish. It’s inconceivable. Feh!
NATHAN: Tevye, look -
TEVYE: I’m sure she’s a hottie, Natan. Always ready to take off the clothes.
NATHAN: Whoa –
TEVYE: Especially on Friday night. Just when you want to go to synagogue. Off with the clothes -
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa -
TEVYE: This leads to catastrophe, Natan. First the marriage, then the divorce, then she spends your money on G-d-knows-who.
NATHAN: How did you actually say “God” out loud without an “o”?
TEVYE: Don’t blaspheme, Natan. And don’t change the subject. You can’t marry this shiksa. Bad enough I didn’t stop my Hodel from running off with that little Cossack. But the children were still Jewish -
NATHAN: Tevye, enough –
TEVYE: No! Now I sing “Tradition!”
NATHAN: Please don’t –
TEVYE: Your marriage isn’t about you, Natan! It’s about the Jewish people.
NATHAN: So forget love?
TEVYE: Love a Jewish woman, make Jewish babies. Yente’s got already girls for you. You’ll come to Israel, you’ll have lunch, you’ll pick one –
NATHAN: Stop. This’s ridiculous. You’re too late anyway. We’re getting married today.
TEVYE: Today! Oy! Nobody tells me…now I’ve got to send somebody. Where’s that meshuggeneh button. Hold on…
NATHAN: Tevye? Hello?...Shit! Unbelievable –
TEVYE: Ok, I’m back. I had to use the other line to send the Mossad. They –
NATHAN: Mossad!
TEVYE: Just a hood and handcuffs.
NATHAN: Tell me you’re not serious.
TEVYE: So who did you call about the Goldstone Report?
NATHAN What’s the Goldstone Report got to do with –
TEVYE: Can you blow the shofar, Natan?
NATHAN: Shofar? What – are you stalling or something?
TEVYE: So why do you punish your parents with this girl? They got a bad magician for your Bar Mitzvah?
NATHAN: Guns N Roses tribute band.
TEVYE: I like the show tunes myself. “South Pacific.” Listen, I’m going to be frank. This disgraceful marriage doesn’t mean you can’t spend a little time with Jewish women.
NATHAN: How so?
TEVYE: Men have their affairs, Natan. When you have yours, leave the condom in your wallet. Make a Jew.
NATHAN: Tevye, did you…?
TEVYE: Never! Why should I? With Golde, I made 5 daughters.
NATHAN: C’mon, Tevye. You delivered the milk.
TEVYE: Ok, Ok, maybe I was a backdoor man sometimes, but I kept it strictly in the tribe. I should’ve done more - so when the Arabs surrounded our little stetl with their mighty army -
NATHAN: Not the Arabs. The Czar.
TEVYE: What’s the difference, Natan? We’re always the victims. Never forget that.
NATHAN: I need to go dress for the wedding.
TEVYE: I can’t allow this, Natan. We need the numbers, to redeem the land. You’ll make aliyah, marry a righteous Jew, have children for the IDF. That’s it.

NATHAN: What happened to you, Tevye? You were a nice guy.
TEVYE: A schlamazel. They ran us out of Anatevka. Now we run them out.
NATHAN: Yeah, right. I gotta go, Tevya.
TEVYE: Yes, you do.
NATHAN: Holy shit!! What is this? Tevye, they blew up my wall!!
TEVYE: Of course. In case you booby-trapped the doors.
NATHAN: They’re putting a hood on my head…!
TEVYE: You’re not lost anymore, Nataneleh. Welcome back!

Friday, September 11, 2009


Israeli officials announced today that they have submitted a bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. Although the formal deadline for applications passed two years ago, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu said that he “never let international organizations decide what’s best for Israel.” The PM promised that Israel would “vault past” the four cities already chosen as finalists by the International Olympic Committee. “We have something Tokyo, Madrid, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro don’t have – a lethal security barrier.”

After Mr. Netanyahu departed for a “secret meeting with the Russians to discuss Iran,” National Infrastructure Minister and racist crackpot Uzi Landau described the details of the Israeli bid. “Lots of housing. To accommodate all those athletes and personal trainers and whatever, we’ll build thousands of housing units in Judea, Samaria and East Jerusalem.” He identified Ma’ale Adumim and the E-1 area, Givat Ze’ev, Ariel, Har Gilo, the Jordan Valley, Hebron/Kiryat Arba and several Arab neighborhoods in Jerusalem as priority sites for massive construction of housing, synagogues and microchip fabs for Olympic use. Landau added that Arab villages would need to be temporarily relocated, “so they’re not inconvenienced by all those Olympics-only roads.”

Transportation Minister and criminal suspect Yisrael Katz declared that Israel’s leadership was so confident about the success of their bid that construction would begin immediately. “They gave Hitler his Olympics, now it better be our turn.” Asked who would occupy the new housing until the Olympics arrived, Katz said, “I have no idea whatsoever.”

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Israeli officials were on the defensive. Finance Minister and conspiracy theorist Yuval Steinitz angrily rejected the accusation that Israel had not done enough with American military aid to boost the flagging U.S. economy. Steinitz was reacting to an editorial in the influential American magazine TV Guide that charged Israel with failing to spend enough on military hardware in the United States. “What’s Israel doing with all that stimulus cash?” the editorial demanded. “As far as we can tell, it’s going to bonuses and perks instead of Raytheon and Boeing.” Steinitz branded the editorial “genocidal” and declared that “Nobody transfers more dollars from the American taxpayer to the U.S. defense industry than the State of Israel. If they want us to spend more, send it to us.”

Other Israeli officials echoed Steinitz’s refutation of TV Guide’s assertions. “We completely support the American stimulus program,” said compromised Defense Minister Ehud Barak. “Every IDF fighter knows we expect massive firepower and gratuitous target shooting. We prime the pump.”

Still, the TV Guide allegations are not easily dismissed. Israel’s assaults on Gaza and Lebanon didn’t consume the quantity of war materiel that justifies massive replenishment from U.S. suppliers. Big ticket items – aircraft, armored assault vehicles, integrated systems and the like - were essentially undamaged, even by Hezbollah. “Hey, our opponents just aren’t that big,” retorted Barak. “They’re militias, for crying out loud. Throw in some civilians, stretch the campaign out, you still can’t clear much inventory. Size matters in this business.”

Perhaps the greatest failure, according to the TV Guide editorial, is Israel’s inaction in Iran. “Why Israel squanders this opportunity to give America’s economy a golden shot in the arm is beyond comprehension. Apparently, Israel prefers to sit on its grossly excessive stockpiles and contemplate the Judean sunset,” wrote TV Guide.

“Total hypocrisy,” Yuval Steinitz fumed. “Who’s holding us back on Iran? The United States of Ambivalence. Turn us loose, it’ll rain money on McDonnell Douglas.” Added Barak, “Iran will be a big payday for us, too, so we’re motivated. And if the Persians strike back, everyone hits the lottery.”

Another criticism from TV Guide is that American aid is staying in Israel to build settlements, either directly or as an offset to Israel’s own domestic spending. “Settlements? What settlements?” asked Ariel Atias, Israel’s Housing and Construction Minister and staunch foe of ethnic mixing. “The State of Israel hasn’t built anything outside Jerusalem that exceeded natural growth or security needs or territorial expansion. Even if we did a few little things, it was by adjustable rate mortgage from the Messiah.”

As for bonuses, Israeli officials were unapologetic. “Yeah, I got a bonus. So what?” declared Yuval Steinitz. “That’s how we retain and incentivize ambitious philosophy graduates like myself.” Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman said that questions about bonuses intruded into Israel’s internal affairs. “Besides, I spread my bonus with my posse. And I buy a lot of duty free stuff at airports on behalf of the people of Israel.”

Mid-level American officials cautioned Israel to temper its response to the TV Guide editorial. One general, who spoke anonymously because he wasn’t authorized to comment without covering his ass, said “[U.S. Defense Secretary] Bob Gates just told the Arabs to boost their military capabilities against Iran. You don’t need a degree from the University of the Negev to know that‘s code for 'Buy American weapons.' On top of Iraq and Afghanistan, that’s a lot of profits and jobs hooked up to Islam. If I were Israel, I’d buy more Yankee muskets.”

It was left to Shimon Peres, Israel’s President and venerable cloak of insincere moderation, to quell the potential rift between allies. “Of course we’re doing everything in our power to generate military expenditures with our American friends. We’re actively preparing to attack Hezbollah and our actions will be appropriately disproportionate.”

In the meantime, Defense Minister Barak promised there would be no more entry visas for TV Guide.

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