Tuesday, June 24, 2008


The Yesha Council sounded an alarm today about a video appearing in various media available to Jewish men in Eretz Israel. The video features a young woman, apparently of Semitic origin, seductively shedding her ankle-length dress to reveal a skimpy halter top and underpants. Vamping to the camera, she says the following:

“I don’t feel like going out tonight. Not with all those terrorists out there. I just want to slip my clothes off…and lie back…and chat with you. I know you’re there…redeeming Eretz Israel…with your fully loaded Uzi…cocked…and ready. Let’s talk. Call me, at 02-670-5555…and tell me what turns you on…I could listen to you talk about rebuilding an outpost…all night long. Mmmmmm. And if you’re as hot as they say…maybe you can come…to my place. I’m wearing my nationalist-religious panties. You can tear them off…and tickle my nipples with your payot…and I’ll lick the crumbs from your beard…while we make exPLOsive love…like Jacob & Bilhah. Uhhhhmmmm. Don’t keep me waiting. Somebody else might call first. Somebody without Zionist devotion. And I’m sooo horny. Call now. 02-670-5555. And ram through my checkpoints. 02-670-5555. Ohhhhhhhh…”

The Council warns that this video may be an Arab trap, luring righteous Jews into marriages outside the faith. “This looks suspiciously like the latest weapon in the demographic war,” said Yesha’s spokesman, Danny “Danny” Dayan.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Shaul Mofaz, Circus Israel’s Transportation Minister and Deputy Prime Minister, confirmed what close associates have recently claimed – he had an abstract thought. Rumors began floating over a week ago, and on Thursday a Mofaz confidant, Juma Azbaraga, commented publicly that “Shaul had a fuzzy feeling in his head.” Mofaz acknowledged this today. “All of a sudden, there it was. Look, these things can happen to anybody.”

Despite persistent questioning, Mofaz didn’t describe the abstract thought in any detail. “I don’t have words for this kind of nonsense. I don’t need them.” Mofaz explained that his thoughts are typically more aggressive and pertain to replacing beleaguered PM Ehud Olmert or attacking Iran. He did not welcome the abrupt onset of abstraction. “It made me uncomfortable. Not frightened, of course. I’m a military man. But uneasy.”

The Iranian-born Deputy PM emphasized that the unwanted thought had not diminished his determination to bring about regime change in both Tehran and Jerusalem. “Not at all. It was just a stupid thing about clouds or something.” Mofaz reiterated that nothing but a punishing air assault would achieve Israel’s desired result in Iran.

Azbaraga conceded that he had leaked news of the abstraction before Mofaz’s rivals could discover it independently. “I could see Shaul was upset. Not frightened, of course. He’s a military man. But testier than usual. I made sure he got out in front of the story and controlled it.”

Mofaz initially denied ever entertaining abstract thoughts in the past. He insisted that even his dreams are very concrete and usually about replacing beleaguered PM Ehud Olmert or attacking Iran. However, after another Mofaz associate, Shlomo Abramovitz, said that Mofaz had once made a “very far-out remark” at a political meeting, Mofaz admitted the earlier abstraction. “I just wondered why some animals had extra breasts. That’s all.”

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Officials have been frustrated by diplomatic misinterpretation of recent Israeli actions. Israel’s refusal to allow Gaza students to claim their Fulbright Fellowships was wrongly construed as pressure on Hamas, while extensive air force exercises over the Mediterranean were erroneously perceived as a warning against Iran’s nuclear ambitions. “This is completely backwards,” griped Mark Regev, wind-up doll for PM Ehud Olmert. According to Regev, the air force exercises were meant to emphasize that Palestinians are puny and powerless and incapable of wresting even a scrap of ground from Jewish control. “Why would a nation that refuels jets in mid-air surrender anything to peasants that schlep stuff with donkeys? What part of ‘mighty’ don’t they understand?” As for the stranded Gaza scholars, David Baker, another PM bullshit machine, said Israel was signaling that Iranian students would be barred from southern California universities if Iran continued asserting sovereignty within its own borders. Baker emphasized that the same academics and contributors that have silenced criticism of Israel in American universities are ready to ensure that Iranians find closed doors at UCLA, USC and Cal State Northridge. “By the way, these Iranian students live like princes, club-hopping all night and skipping class. Let’s see how Ahmedenijad likes having those fashionistas come back home,” said Baker. Added gruff PM wannabe Shaul Mofaz, “anyone who misreads Israel’s signals is just asking for trouble.”

Saturday, June 7, 2008


University of Kiryat Arba (On-Line) – fully self-accredited Baccalaureate Degree in Occupation & Settlement Studies. Sign up now!

The ontology, cosmology, epistemology, axiology and eschatology of occupation, with particular emphasis on kicking ass and taking names. Readings of the seminal thinkers, including Herzl, Kook, Jabotinsky, Katznelson, Ben-Gurion, Weizmann, Custer, Botha and their progeny, Sharon, Netanyahu and Hagee. Examine the fundamental truths of occupation – “Send out zealots, hustlers and head-cases and the army will follow,” and “Take the gun AND the cannoli.”

Slow but steady – a necessity in the post-colonial age. Why we can’t just run them out in a single day like the Egyptians did to us before God parted the sea in our historically accurate saga of dispossession. Access roads – the mesh of the Zionist net. Neatness counts - pushing Arabs into tidy little piles. The outpost as virus. Readings include Sharon, Lieberman, Zeevi, Levinger, Kahane and Morton Klein. Examine the fundamental truths of settlement – “Everybody loves free land” and “Possession beats ownership any day of the week.”

Identifying best practices in encircling, isolating, assaulting, culling and excising. The power of despair and other proven techniques for breaking through sumud. Tough love – the pointlessness of empathy, the error of dialogue, the mistake of compromise. The Palestinian narrative of hardship and how not to fall for it. Snitch control – the carrots and the sticks. Should the Passover Plagues be revised – or can we really make frogs rain on Jenin? Case studies include Algeria, Lebanon, Iraq & the Jordan Valley.

The challenge of leaving competition behind and always winning. Why Blacks can’t intimidate you here. Harnessing the exhilaration of lawlessness – hitting an Arab, not your girlfriend. The sectarian militia – wearing that slick assault rifle in unofficial national service. Manly men and fecund women – for a change. Head covering – the accessory that says it all. “Hey, where’s that tax break for my gemstone business in Chicago?”

Commands, curses, ridicule, challenges and inducements. Anatomical references and comparisons to domesticated animals. Recreational drug slang. The “ABC Method” (“Always Be Chastising”). Intentional mispronunciation – and how to make it sting. The battle of the glottis and why we must prevail.

Identifying the defining characteristic of jewish olives (they grew in eretz Israel). Watching Arabs for the telltale signs that the olives are ready for stealing. Problem-solving in the fields: Pick the fruit or wait for them to do it? Move the tree or move the Arab?

Treaties and protocols – when to enforce and when to spread on toast. The truth about the UN – a goyische cartel run by the enemies of Israel for the sole purpose of oppressing us. Special attention to Resolution 242 (and how the missing “the” means we keep the land). Lord Balfour’s 1917 letter to Lord Rothschild - one white guy writing to another, the gold standard of international law. The 4th Geneva Convention as practical joke gone awry. You hurt one of ours, we hurt a hundred of yours - the most satisfying law in the whole wide world.

Why do we so love the grave? Essential truth or proof of land title? Special emphasis on the Cave of the Patriarchs and why Hebron is a tourist goldmine. Case studies includes the imaginary tomb of imaginary Adam and Eve. Students are encouraged to ponder why Esau’s body isn’t buried with his head. Additional emphasis on the Tomb of the Matriarchs. Identify the tombs of Bilhah (Rachel’s handmaid), Zilpah (Leah’s handmaid and personal trainer) and Sherry (Miriam’s publicist). Why Zebulon’s tomb proves Lebanon belongs to the Jews. Deconstruction of the virulent myth that Muslims are buried in Eretz Israel. How to find a decent hotel near an A-List grave. How to own a decent hotel near an A-List grave. What to say while staring at the ground.

Those who can, occupy. Those who can’t, send financing. AIPAC – how did we get so lucky? Christian Zionists – how did we get so lucky? Keeping it unreal: what AIPAC and Christian Zionists should never say to each other. Emphasis on Israel as safe haven: when the other urologists turn on you, when your law partners unleash a pogrom, when the hedge fund managers slaughter your livestock, Eretz Israel will take you in. Emphasis on Israel as precarious victim: when Arabs reproduce with impunity in Jerusalem, when Assad starts sounding reasonable, when Obama doesn’t sound fervent enough, put away the mah jongg tiles and get on the phone. Coercing assimilated Jews who doubt our righteousness to shut the fuck up.

Discussion of rocks that a lot of Jewish people know or have heard of. (Note: partial credit awarded for throwing rocks at Arabs hitting on our girls in Pisgat Ze'ev.)

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