Tuesday, April 22, 2008


So why won’t Ehud Olmert give his phone number to Khaled Meshal? Everyone knows cool Khaled’s been begging their mutual friends to hook 'em up. But insiders tell Circus Israel our hunky PM's just not ready to go ALL THE WAY. CI’s LOL!! Sounds like Ehud just doesn’t want anything named after him. And the 'Hudster knows if he kicks it with Khaled, Shas will soooo leave him (like so-pious Eli Yishai isn’t hot for Khaled himself???). And then where’s an ex-PriMin gonna hang his kippah? Well, 'Hude-Dude, it’s not like your peeps wanna wait 4-evuh. All the facts of life ain’t on the ground, player. Everybody’s gotta put out – and pull out - eventually.


In the Israeli-American alliance, who’s getting punked – the bulked-up superpower or the combative ethnocracy? CI posed the question to an Israeli and an American.

Ari is a Canadian-born free-lance web designer residing in the Ariel settlement. He likes motorbikes, vigilante patrols and the color orange. Ari says:

EMPTY YOUR POCKETS! Where’s our money, America?? There’s serious Jewish poverty in Israel. For most of our 60 years, we’ve been your sheriff on the petroleum frontier. How much is that worth? Well, let’s see. If Joe Stiglitz is right, Iraq is draining you of 3 trillion bucks, and it’s a long way from over. Let’s say he’s only half-right. Where’s our trillion-five? For all the sand and blood you didn’t swallow before 2003. And what’ve we got for our trouble? $100 billion? Maybe another $20 billion off the books? And how much of that chump change just went to your arms industry anyway? You obviously can’t do your own bag jobs. You can’t put a ship in a Yemeni harbor or a barrack in Lebanon without getting yourself blown up. You played Chuck Norris in Iraq, but you had no bleeding script. Now your military’s tied down like Gulliver and your gas is jumping past 4 bucks a gallon. But we’re still on the job, aren’t we? That was an IAF operation in Syria, wasn’t it, big brother? Meanwhile, no one, including Iran, is opening a second war front in the neighborhood, are they? That ain’t because of you, you clown. We live on the edge, everyone loathes us, you block our deals with the Chinese, but you still want a discount? Pay up, you deadbeat asshole!

Kevin is a 4th-year metallurgy major at Virginia Tech University. He likes dirt bikes, Dungeons & Dragons and Sam Adams in long-neck bottles. Kevin says:

GROW UP! Happy 60th birthday, moocher. Does this mean you're old enough to pay for your own ethnic cleansing party? We realize you don’t think we have anything better to do with our soldiers and money, but this targeted assassination number we did on Saddam has become a full-blown occupation purgatory. It just doesn’t leave much to finance your Jerusalem/West Bank building boom and make your contractors richer than they already are. And why do you keep begging for more and more? So your little cult can have its theme park. Not just minus everyone else, but minus borders. In case you haven’t noticed, modern states have some goddamn boundaries. Hey, the Bible ain’t a property deed, but if you want to treat it like one, pay for your own hallucination. We don’t really care if you control every aquifer, every hilltop, every olive tree and every tourist-magnet-in-a-tomb. You’re addicted to conflict and you cause more blowback than a drunk puking out a car window. Fuck you and the narcissism you rode in on!

Friday, April 18, 2008


Hey, buddy, it's your 60th birthday - the Big Six-Oh! - and we just wanted you to know we really love you, man. It hasn't always been easy, with the land problems and all. But you've always been straight with us, dude, so we all chipped in to get you what we thought you'd like. Here it is, man - all the land from the river to the sea, plus the Golan and Shebaa Farms and the Sinai. And we didn't want you to think we cheaped out, so we got a gift certificate if you want some more. We couldn't afford the whole region, but you can have southern Lebanon up to the Litani if you want, and you can take some of Jordan, too, if that'd be cool. And no worries about expelling us or anything. We'll leave tonight and we'll send somebody around to get our stuff after we settle into our refugee camps. Sorry if sometimes we misunderstood where you were coming from, Izzy. You always kept it real, dude, and we just needed a little time to catch up to it. It's really been awesome hangin' out with you, man. Don't be a stranger. Anytime you need some weed or something, just give us a jingle.

Your homies,

The Hamas, Islamic Jihad, the Al Aqsa Martyrs, Fatah, the Palestinian Authority, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, the Committee of Arab Mayors in Israel, the Islamic Movement in Israel, Azmi Bishara, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine, Hezbollah, the Syrian Arab Republic, the Arab Republic of Egypt, the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood, the Lebanese Republic, the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan and the Provisional Government of Iraq.

PS - Take good care of Jerusalem, man. We're gonna miss her.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. (Regarding the loose talk in Ramat Beit Shamesh, the Rabbi informs us that his son’s broken nose was the result of a davening accident.)

Shalom, Rabbi. Can you recommend a good mobile phone for me? I am taking part-time office work to supplement my husband’s Torah allotment and our child allowances.

Batya, from Modi’in Ilit.

Shalom, Batya. First, I approve of your working in support of your husband’s studies, so long as you avoid heretical influences. Now, let us get to the business at hand. You are apparently a pious Jewish woman for whom only a kosher mobile telephone would be acceptable. As you may know from my teachings, I am an authorized Motorola (Mirs) distributor in the Land of Israel. While I do not wish to influence your purchase in any way, the Motorola product was the first mobile telephone approved by the appropriate rabbinical authorities and it is, of course, an excellent instrument. That is not to suggest, however, that Nokia and Telit have failed to provide an acceptable alternative for the impious. The Telit X60, for example, is not a terrible device.

And while we are on the subject, let us consider the proper purposes of a mobile telephone. Naturally, your husband may need to communicate with you about Halakhic matters or his expectations of you. In addition, however, you may observe IDF stormtroopers moving to expel righteous Jews from their so-called “outpost.” Your duty is to use your mobile telephone to summon the faithful to obstruct this atrocity. Similarly, you may encounter a demonstration or other terror activity by arabs or their leftist dupes. In that case, your obligation is to summon the IDF to defend the Jewish People. I must tell you that such situations have caused me to ponder whether a camera telephone might be consistent with Torah, to capture the images of those who threaten the Land of Israel, for later punishment. I am consulting the commentaries on this and will advise you when my reflections culminate. In summary, if I can assist you in the purchase of a Motorola mobile telephone, please feel free to contact me on my Motorola mobile telephone. Blessed be He.

Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I seek your advice in the strictest confidence. I no longer wish to perform the reproductive act with my husband. He doesn’t give the slightest consideration to my enjoyment. I am taking part-time office work to avoid him. Is this sinful, Rabbi?

Batya, from Modi’in Ilit.

Shalom, Batya. I must tell you, I just received an inquiry from another Batya from Modi’in Ilit. Such coincidences bless the life of a Rabbi! But on to your inquiry. Surely you are aware of your obligations to your husband, particularly to relieve him of shameful urges that divert him from his studies. Of course, he has responsibilities to you as well, so that you will join with him earnestly to fulfill the purpose of your marriage and preserve the reputation of your matchmaker. You do not provide details, but perhaps your husband has failed to encircle your conjugal bed with powder, or has recited the names of the 12 sons of Jacob incorrectly during the procreative act. Such misdeeds can be corrected with sufficient concentration by both parties. And this must occur, lest the profligate wombs of backward arab women usurp us from the Land of Israel. Be not confused, Batya. Every creature reproduces, from the inquisitive giraffe to the treacherous moslem to the frivolous chloinim in Tel Aviv with their chukos hagoyim. But only a virtuous Jewish mother can yield the pious Jews that will expand our domain to infinity and beyond. I hope these remarks help you reap the enjoyment of the marital bed. Blessed be he.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


Circus Israel asked Yesha Council veteran Pinhas Wallerstein, a patriarch of the settlements, to review films for Jewish viewers. Here’s what he said about some of the classics.

The Godfather I & II – “Sheer anti-semitism. What they did to Moe Green. This proud Jew, who made the desert bloom. The goyim want to buy him out? When Moe says, ‘No, I’ll buy YOU out!,’ I wept without shame. Not only do they exterminate Moe Green, they kill their own brother because he showed respect to a Jew. And Hyman Roth! Envy torments these Italians until they annihilate him. But who triumphs from all this terror? The Pacino brother...Michael, the one who marries outside his own race. They claim this film is about family and identity, but this little Jew-hating shit can’t find an Italian wife? Who ever heard of such a thing? But where does he go when he needs protection? To Italy. To his own people. And still the left says Israel isn’t for the Jews!”

Rocky I – “This’s what cinema should be. Obviously a metaphor for the Jewish experience. Downtrodden and despised, he batters an overwhelming enemy, an enemy with every conceivable advantage. Rocky taught that arrogant black terrorist the essential lesson - if you strike me, you’ll pay in blood many times over. Jabotinsky could’ve made this movie. But I have to tell you, I didn’t understand the two turtles. A metaphor for the conflict, perhaps? The sons of Abraham? Then they belong in separate bowls, one for the Jewish turtle, the Arab turtle goes to Jordan.”

The Graduate – “A very painful indictment of the diaspora. All that driving back and forth. Hoffman should be in Judea, putting roots in the homeland and underwriting real estate. So Anne Bancroft has to run around in her underwear? She has to go practically naked to seduce the young man? Zambish says this’s what Mel Brooks gets for marrying outside the faith.”

The Ten Commandments – “We just lost Charlton Heston. My heart aches. A great friend of Israel. He loved guns, all kinds, six-shooters, assault weapons. He understood the primal attachment. Whatever he was, he made a beautiful Jew. I can’t say very much about the movie. I haven’t seen it in years.”

The Sound of Music – “Don’t get me started on those Austrians.”

The Wizard of Oz – “A story of surrender. When Dorothy returned to Kansas, I was sick at heart. There was the land of Oz, right under her feet. Seize it, dear God, seize it. Expel the Munchkins. Play the good witch against the bad. Make facts on the ground. I understand the lion was a coward, but give him proper armament, reliable intelligence and night vision goggles, he’ll roar like a Maccabee.”

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Location is everything in Circus Israel – and prime locations are yours for the taking! You’re Jewish? Then just look around. The options are dazzling! East Jerusalem, East of the Green Line, East of the Wall, or anywhere in Eretz Israel an Arab can be dispossessed, hemmed in, blocked off or just plain dominated. It’s all on the market for Jews worldwide. Bad credit? No worries. Your credit comes from God. No money? Exactly!! How big will the houses be? Hey, forget about square feet, meters, hectares, dunums, acres and all the rest of that linear distraction. We’re talking location. Geo-political location. Facts-on-the ground location. Eternal location. Tired of the urban rat-race? Spread out in the Jordan Valley. Crave the urban rat-race? Surround a casbah with sheer numbers of righteous Jews. Amenities? Build what you want, where you want, water it in the sunshine, spew as you wish. The sky’s the limit! And don’t forget to dump your trash on you-know-who. But hurry. The Pals are multiplying. As the Yesha Council teaches us - location, location, location.

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