Friday, September 24, 2010
CIRCUS HIATUS
Circus Israel’s going to the back burner. Because the Israeli government is immersed in good-faith negotiations with the Palestinian Authority? Making the painful concessions necessary to a just resolution? No way. Israel’s more-land-fewer-goyim peace plan is still the only thing on the table.
Then why is Circus Israel, in the phrasing of the U.S. armed forces, standing down? No getting around it - after 30 months and 101 entries (enough for an anti-Zionist coffee table book), we’ve fallen short of our goals. Huh? Circus Israel had goals? Yes. To help sustain, even empower, fighters for the Palestinian cause. To skewer and piss off a lot of Zionists.
The Circus has reached a handful of fighters, and your responses have been genuinely inspiring. Whether we’ve bolstered you in this impossible struggle, know that you’ve sustained us. But it’s come to feel like sharing in-jokes with a few staunch friends, rather than contributing meaningfully to a larger movement.
As for pissing off Zionists, we’ve failed dismally. Despite our most earnest and scatological efforts. How these people can detect an anti-Zionist insult sealed in kryptonite a thousand meters away, yet take no offense at Circus Israel, is just puzzling. Unless we consider the obvious. They don’t read the Circus.
This doesn’t mean we’re leaving the fight. Hell no. Just changing tactics, turning to other writing genres, other expressive forms. But not changing the subject. The Palestinians can’t walk away from this one-sided mess, so we won’t either.
Please don’t de-activate whatever alert mechanism you might use for new Circus entries. When Circus Israel seems like the best platform for an idea, that’s where it’ll go.
Thanks for seeing the show.
(…and as the last clown gestures to the footlights, we FADE TO BLACK.)
Circus Israel’s going to the back burner. Because the Israeli government is immersed in good-faith negotiations with the Palestinian Authority? Making the painful concessions necessary to a just resolution? No way. Israel’s more-land-fewer-goyim peace plan is still the only thing on the table.
Then why is Circus Israel, in the phrasing of the U.S. armed forces, standing down? No getting around it - after 30 months and 101 entries (enough for an anti-Zionist coffee table book), we’ve fallen short of our goals. Huh? Circus Israel had goals? Yes. To help sustain, even empower, fighters for the Palestinian cause. To skewer and piss off a lot of Zionists.
The Circus has reached a handful of fighters, and your responses have been genuinely inspiring. Whether we’ve bolstered you in this impossible struggle, know that you’ve sustained us. But it’s come to feel like sharing in-jokes with a few staunch friends, rather than contributing meaningfully to a larger movement.
As for pissing off Zionists, we’ve failed dismally. Despite our most earnest and scatological efforts. How these people can detect an anti-Zionist insult sealed in kryptonite a thousand meters away, yet take no offense at Circus Israel, is just puzzling. Unless we consider the obvious. They don’t read the Circus.
This doesn’t mean we’re leaving the fight. Hell no. Just changing tactics, turning to other writing genres, other expressive forms. But not changing the subject. The Palestinians can’t walk away from this one-sided mess, so we won’t either.
Please don’t de-activate whatever alert mechanism you might use for new Circus entries. When Circus Israel seems like the best platform for an idea, that’s where it’ll go.
Thanks for seeing the show.
(…and as the last clown gestures to the footlights, we FADE TO BLACK.)
Monday, August 9, 2010
NETANYAHU WINS PEACE PRIZE
The California-based Irving Moskowitz Foundation (IMF) announced today that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will receive the foundation’s first annual Economic Peace Prize. It is “only natural” to award the Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu, IMF’s press release stated, since “economic peace is his schtick.” The foundation and the PM both define economic peace as productive economic activity without active armed conflict or a political settlement. The essence of economic peace, the IMF explained, is that “Israel gets the benefit of captive customers, natural resources and low-cost labor without friction or territorial compromise.”
“I’m delighted and entirely deserving,” said the Prime Minister, reached at his residence, where he was receiving a celebratory enema from his wife, Sarah. “As I’ve said all along, it’s time for the Palestinians to stop obsessing about sovereignty and open some more strip malls and hookah joints. At least until they leave the region.”
Finance Minister Yuval Steinitz, an ardent proponent of economic peace, released the award announcement in Israel on behalf of the IMF. “Economic peace enables responsible Arabs to grow their local economy, which could lead to discussions about non-state sovereignty in certain urbanized areas. Both sides win.” Asked why Israel then opposed Palestinian participation in the World Trade Organization, Steinitz dismissed the Palestinian WTO effort as “unilateralism.” Steinitz also rejected the notion of supplanting the Israeli siege of Gaza with economic peace. “There can be no economic peace unless Hamas recognizes our right to exist as a Jewish State on all land we control or covet.”
Other finalists for the Economic Peace Prize were Quartet envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, former US President Bill Clinton, fictional character Gordon Gekko and Rafael Advanced Defense Systems (in recognition of its Bollywood-style arm sales video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktQOLO4U5iQ&feature). Like the other finalists, a Rafael executive accepted the results gracefully, describing Netanyahu as “a real prize himself.” Only Mr. Gekko sounded a negative note, saying “they gave the award to my charmless clone.”
In Arab-occupied Ramallah, a spokesperson for Fatah expressed ambivalence about the award. “We wanted Fayyad to win,” the spokesperson remarked. “But if economic peace is where Omri Sharon opens a casino for our high-rollers, it’s still okay.” Hamas was notably less enthusiastic. “I suppose this makes us the bad guys again, but we view economic peace as intercourse with our colonizer while he dispossesses us,” said spokesman Taher al-Nono. “Wasn’t the North American slave trade a form of economic peace with African chieftains?”
Attempts to reach Dr. Moskowitz were unsuccessful. A person answering his office telephone stated that Dr. Moskowitz was unavailable “because his nose hairs are entangled in another person’s earring.” However, a purported representative did subsequently contact Circus Israel to state that Dr. Moskowitz’s tax exempt foundation, which derives most of its wealth from “charity bingo,” sees no need to foster economic peace in East Jerusalem, where the foundation vigorously underwrites Jewish settlement activity. “Once the Arabs’re cleaned out of there, peace and economic development will take care of themselves.”
In a prepared statement, Mr. Netanyahu characterized economic peace as “scalable, even at the teeny-tiniest micro-level” so that Palestinians had no basis for demanding additional territory. On a related subject, the PM’s statement criticized Elvis Costello, the Pixies, Gil Scott Heron and other artists that have refused to perform in Israel. According to the statement, “these C-list performers are enemies of economic peace, apparently preferring to promote suicide attacks that leave little bits of human flesh dangling from the tattered awnings of family-owned enterprises.”
With some reluctance, but also with a clear awareness of where his money comes from, Noam Arnon will formally present the Moskowitz Foundation Economic Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu in Hebron, where Jewish settler violence has virtually exterminated Palestinian commercial activity around Shuhada Street.
The California-based Irving Moskowitz Foundation (IMF) announced today that Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will receive the foundation’s first annual Economic Peace Prize. It is “only natural” to award the Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu, IMF’s press release stated, since “economic peace is his schtick.” The foundation and the PM both define economic peace as productive economic activity without active armed conflict or a political settlement. The essence of economic peace, the IMF explained, is that “Israel gets the benefit of captive customers, natural resources and low-cost labor without friction or territorial compromise.”
“I’m delighted and entirely deserving,” said the Prime Minister, reached at his residence, where he was receiving a celebratory enema from his wife, Sarah. “As I’ve said all along, it’s time for the Palestinians to stop obsessing about sovereignty and open some more strip malls and hookah joints. At least until they leave the region.”
Finance Minister Yuval Steinitz, an ardent proponent of economic peace, released the award announcement in Israel on behalf of the IMF. “Economic peace enables responsible Arabs to grow their local economy, which could lead to discussions about non-state sovereignty in certain urbanized areas. Both sides win.” Asked why Israel then opposed Palestinian participation in the World Trade Organization, Steinitz dismissed the Palestinian WTO effort as “unilateralism.” Steinitz also rejected the notion of supplanting the Israeli siege of Gaza with economic peace. “There can be no economic peace unless Hamas recognizes our right to exist as a Jewish State on all land we control or covet.”
Other finalists for the Economic Peace Prize were Quartet envoy Tony Blair, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad, former US President Bill Clinton, fictional character Gordon Gekko and Rafael Advanced Defense Systems (in recognition of its Bollywood-style arm sales video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktQOLO4U5iQ&feature). Like the other finalists, a Rafael executive accepted the results gracefully, describing Netanyahu as “a real prize himself.” Only Mr. Gekko sounded a negative note, saying “they gave the award to my charmless clone.”
In Arab-occupied Ramallah, a spokesperson for Fatah expressed ambivalence about the award. “We wanted Fayyad to win,” the spokesperson remarked. “But if economic peace is where Omri Sharon opens a casino for our high-rollers, it’s still okay.” Hamas was notably less enthusiastic. “I suppose this makes us the bad guys again, but we view economic peace as intercourse with our colonizer while he dispossesses us,” said spokesman Taher al-Nono. “Wasn’t the North American slave trade a form of economic peace with African chieftains?”
Attempts to reach Dr. Moskowitz were unsuccessful. A person answering his office telephone stated that Dr. Moskowitz was unavailable “because his nose hairs are entangled in another person’s earring.” However, a purported representative did subsequently contact Circus Israel to state that Dr. Moskowitz’s tax exempt foundation, which derives most of its wealth from “charity bingo,” sees no need to foster economic peace in East Jerusalem, where the foundation vigorously underwrites Jewish settlement activity. “Once the Arabs’re cleaned out of there, peace and economic development will take care of themselves.”
In a prepared statement, Mr. Netanyahu characterized economic peace as “scalable, even at the teeny-tiniest micro-level” so that Palestinians had no basis for demanding additional territory. On a related subject, the PM’s statement criticized Elvis Costello, the Pixies, Gil Scott Heron and other artists that have refused to perform in Israel. According to the statement, “these C-list performers are enemies of economic peace, apparently preferring to promote suicide attacks that leave little bits of human flesh dangling from the tattered awnings of family-owned enterprises.”
With some reluctance, but also with a clear awareness of where his money comes from, Noam Arnon will formally present the Moskowitz Foundation Economic Peace Prize to Mr. Netanyahu in Hebron, where Jewish settler violence has virtually exterminated Palestinian commercial activity around Shuhada Street.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A CHALLENGE TO ALL CHICKENSHIT ZIONISTS
Zionists, listen up! I, David Bar Echsam, challenge you to a fight. All of you. You’re weak, self-hating cowards and I’m gonna kick your asses.
That means face-to-face combat, bochur. No keyboards, no remote-controlled drones, no mob to protect you. Just you and me. Prison rules. Or no rules at all. And no weapons. Except hands, feet, teeth, permanently affixed prostheses and, when appropriate, genitals. Frankly, after I knock you out, I may have my way with you.
You love force and aggression? Great. Let’s go. Big or small, young or old, ultra-orthodox or secular, male, female or in transition, I don’t care. Fight me. Are you trained? A krav maga expert? A big Jackie Chan fan? Cool. Fight me. You a pencil-necked, pimple-faced yeshiva boy or some other wanker? That’s your problem. Fight me.
A little doubt just crept into your tummy, didn’t it? A brief, disorienting flash of you - all by yourself - somewhere beyond the internet café, somewhere beyond the barracks or the bath-house, nothing lethal or ironic in your hands, exposed and responsible, waiting...
Oh, don’t lose your water, pussy. You’re safe. Unless you take the challenge. Unless you tell me where to find you. Unless you man up and fight me.
Here’s my Zionist fighting schedule: anywhere, any time. You provide the coordinates, I show up, we fight. Feel free to pick a nice place to convalesce after I slap the shit out of you. But don’t delay. I’m limiting myself to bitch-slapping 18 Zionists per day. Why 18? It’s probably a vestige of family gift-giving to the Jewish Federation. I’d go double chai, but there’re only so many hours in a day.
So come out, come out, yellow-belly. This really is the ass-whipping you need. And since you’re not used to fighting without weapons superiority, I’ll take it easy on you. It won’t be like the stomping you’d get in a fair fight with a Palestinian.
Zionists, listen up! I, David Bar Echsam, challenge you to a fight. All of you. You’re weak, self-hating cowards and I’m gonna kick your asses.
That means face-to-face combat, bochur. No keyboards, no remote-controlled drones, no mob to protect you. Just you and me. Prison rules. Or no rules at all. And no weapons. Except hands, feet, teeth, permanently affixed prostheses and, when appropriate, genitals. Frankly, after I knock you out, I may have my way with you.
You love force and aggression? Great. Let’s go. Big or small, young or old, ultra-orthodox or secular, male, female or in transition, I don’t care. Fight me. Are you trained? A krav maga expert? A big Jackie Chan fan? Cool. Fight me. You a pencil-necked, pimple-faced yeshiva boy or some other wanker? That’s your problem. Fight me.
A little doubt just crept into your tummy, didn’t it? A brief, disorienting flash of you - all by yourself - somewhere beyond the internet café, somewhere beyond the barracks or the bath-house, nothing lethal or ironic in your hands, exposed and responsible, waiting...
Oh, don’t lose your water, pussy. You’re safe. Unless you take the challenge. Unless you tell me where to find you. Unless you man up and fight me.
Here’s my Zionist fighting schedule: anywhere, any time. You provide the coordinates, I show up, we fight. Feel free to pick a nice place to convalesce after I slap the shit out of you. But don’t delay. I’m limiting myself to bitch-slapping 18 Zionists per day. Why 18? It’s probably a vestige of family gift-giving to the Jewish Federation. I’d go double chai, but there’re only so many hours in a day.
So come out, come out, yellow-belly. This really is the ass-whipping you need. And since you’re not used to fighting without weapons superiority, I’ll take it easy on you. It won’t be like the stomping you’d get in a fair fight with a Palestinian.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
PALESTINIANS STRIVE TO RESIST APPROPRIATELY
According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeli’s “security barrier” would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish State’s admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.
Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that won’t offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).
Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollard’s publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Sa’adat (PFLP).
MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so I’m just gonna say what needs to be said. We’re screwing up the one thing we always agreed on – Israel’s needs come first. We must – I mean must – find modes of resistance that don’t offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. I’ll burn copies for you guys.
SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldn’t agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since it's stuff made on our land and all that, but it’s just way too aggressive. We should’ve run it by the Yesha Council.
FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla – what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, it’s a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.
SA’ADAT: Say, who’s gonna talk to these hotheads in Ni’lin and Bi’lin? It’s not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I don’t want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.
FAYYAD: You’re blaming the Authority, I assume.
SA’ADAT: Your turf, man.
FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have –
MESHAL: C’mon, c’mon. Guys, there’s plenty of blame for everyone. Let’s keep it positive.
SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says –
SA’ADAT: This the one where the rabbi says “oy vey, it’s bigger than a palm tree”?
SHALLAH: You heard it already?
MESHAL: Who hasn’t? That joke’s older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, let’s focus here. One suggestion - why don’t we just ask the Israelis what protest they’ll tolerate?
SA’ADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, you’re just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, it’s our duty to figure this out.
MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?
SHALLAH: That’s just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis don’t have a comparable peacemaker.
FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.
MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit it quietly through proper channels, we can’t go wrong. It’s their own form.
SHALLAH: That’s good. Just let’s not flood them with complaints. We’ll look like a nuisance and it’s not very nice.
MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.
FAYYAD: Well, too little’s okay.
SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!
SA’ADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like he’s in my head!
FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!
MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but we’re burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesn’t offend those guys, it’s good to go.
SA’ADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.
MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.
SA’ADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, you’d know I’ve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.
MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said they’re very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?
FAYYAD: Demand?
MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.
SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully request…what?
SA’ADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?
FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?
SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?
SA’ADAT: No, no – that’s to be negotiated.
SHALLAH: This’s really hard. Ya know, I just don’t think it’s so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what they’ll tolerate.
MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.
SA’ADAT: Why can’t we be delightfully quirky like that?
MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest voting’s obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."
FAYYAD: Khaled, c’mon, man…
MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything we’re talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, it’s all on purpose to make us surrender?
SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, that’s really paranoid.
SA’ADAT: Worse, it’s anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, I’m very disappointed.
SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.
FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.
MESHAL: Sorry. Guess I’m a little frustrated…
SHALLAH: Here’s a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says “let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. “Let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, “I’m not buying you guys any more drinks.” Jewish guy says, “good, ‘cause we’re tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!”
FAYYAD: Now that’s funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!
According to messages intercepted by an Israeli security service that may or may not exist, Palestinian leadership is struggling to identify a form of protest acceptable to Israel. The Palestinians had hoped their communal demonstrations in Bi'lin and Ni'ilin against Israeli’s “security barrier” would compare favorably with the hostilities associated with the 2nd Intifada, but Israel responded with gunfire, gas grenades and arrests. Palestinian opposition to the Jewish State’s admission to the multi-national Office of Economic Cooperation and Development was similarly panned, and even the Palestinian boycott of products from the occupied territories has been waved out of bounds by Israeli commentators. And of course the nine deaths during the Gaza Aid Flotilla completely failed to resonate with the Israeli public.
Consequently, officials from the Fatah-dominated Palestinian Authority, Hamas, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and Islamic Jihad have been communicating frantically, groping for a resistance strategy that won’t offend Jewish sensitivities. Despite their differences and suspicions (including the question of which side the PA is actually on), their secretly recorded communications reveal a shared predicament. They also confirm that Arabs incessantly conspire (except when they incessantly quarrel and prove themselves incapable of self-government).
Circus Israel obtained transcripts of the Arab discourse from an Israeli espionage operative by posing as Jonathan Pollard’s publicist. The following conference call involved Khaled Meshal (Hamas), Salam Fayyad (PA), Abdullah Ramadan Shallah (Islamic Jihad) and Ahmad Sa’adat (PFLP).
MESHAL: Everyone hooked up?..Okay, gentlemen, we have a big problem, so I’m just gonna say what needs to be said. We’re screwing up the one thing we always agreed on – Israel’s needs come first. We must – I mean must – find modes of resistance that don’t offend the Jews. By the way, I just got a bootleg Avi Gefen CD and it kicks ass. I’ll burn copies for you guys.
SHALLAH: Cool. Listen, I couldn’t agree more about re-calibrating strategy, Khaled. I really thought the settlement boycott would be OK, since it's stuff made on our land and all that, but it’s just way too aggressive. We should’ve run it by the Yesha Council.
FAYYAD: And that Aid Flotilla – what a bright idea. Not! Look, we were warned. When Lieberman calls something a violent provocation, it’s a violent provocation. Those crazy boats and what-have-you. Why? Because of a siege? It just makes Israel look bad.
SA’ADAT: Say, who’s gonna talk to these hotheads in Ni’lin and Bi’lin? It’s not okay to provoke tear gas and bullets and scrawl that potty-mouth stuff on the Wall. I don’t want Jewish kids seeing that trash on TV.
FAYYAD: You’re blaming the Authority, I assume.
SA’ADAT: Your turf, man.
FAYYAD: My turf? Listen, I have –
MESHAL: C’mon, c’mon. Guys, there’s plenty of blame for everyone. Let’s keep it positive.
SHALLAH: Hey, a rabbi, a sheikh and a midget walk into a brothel. The sheikh says –
SA’ADAT: This the one where the rabbi says “oy vey, it’s bigger than a palm tree”?
SHALLAH: You heard it already?
MESHAL: Who hasn’t? That joke’s older than the Jewish presence in Jerusalem. Look, let’s focus here. One suggestion - why don’t we just ask the Israelis what protest they’ll tolerate?
SA’ADAT: No, no, no, no, no! Khaled, are you trying to make things worse? Every lover wants you to just understand them and not ask a lot of questions. Besides, you’re just trying to shift responsibility to the Jews. As Abdullah said, it’s our duty to figure this out.
MESHAL: What about a Palestinian Gandhi?
SHALLAH: That’s just another version of asymmetrical warfare. With Sharon under the weather, the Israelis don’t have a comparable peacemaker.
FAYYAD: How about we use protest letters? Firm but polite. Good quality paper.
MESHAL: Better yet, does anybody know if the Israelis have a standard complaint form? We fill it out, submit it quietly through proper channels, we can’t go wrong. It’s their own form.
SHALLAH: That’s good. Just let’s not flood them with complaints. We’ll look like a nuisance and it’s not very nice.
MESHAL: Right, exactly. Everything in moderation. Not too much and not too little.
FAYYAD: Well, too little’s okay.
SHALLAH: Of course. By the way, a friend sent me an old Jackie Mason album. Vinyl - mint condition! Guy makes me laugh so hard I plotz!
SA’ADAT: Jackie takes something, like, half-formed in my mind and says it perfectly. Like he’s in my head!
FAYYAD: You wish, Ahmad!
MESHAL: Hey, I hate to be a nudje, but we’re burning minutes. Listen, how about something like this Flotilla Commission the Israelis put together? A focus group of really old Jews that detest us. If something doesn’t offend those guys, it’s good to go.
SA’ADAT: Again you make the Jews responsible! Not only do you want painful concessions, you want them to tell you how to ask for them. Nutty.
MESHAL: Okay, Mr. Diplomat, make a proposal - for once. One constructive idea.
SA’ADAT: Well, maybe if you listened a little more carefully, you’d know I’ve been suggesting a petition drive from day one.
MESHAL: I like petition drives. I always said they’re very effective with the Israelis. But what do we demand?
FAYYAD: Demand?
MESHAL: Okay, not demand. Request.
SHALLAH: Something like, we, the undersigned, respectfully request…what?
SA’ADAT: Negotiations?... Discussions about negotiations?
FAYYAD: Preliminary discussions about preliminary negotiations?
SHALLAH: Jordanian citizenship and limited residency rights in restricted West Bank areas?
SA’ADAT: No, no – that’s to be negotiated.
SHALLAH: This’s really hard. Ya know, I just don’t think it’s so wrong to ask the Israelis for a little guidance. They know what they’ll tolerate.
MESHAL: Do they? 2 Jews, 3 opinions.
SA’ADAT: Why can’t we be delightfully quirky like that?
MESHAL: Lemme tell you something Abu Tir said the other day. "Hamas wins parliamentary elections and they arrest 64 of us. So protest voting’s obviously not allowed. After 4 years in prison, they revoke my Jerusalem residency. So even thinking about resistance is not allowed in territory they control. Maybe they just want us out of here."
FAYYAD: Khaled, c’mon, man…
MESHAL: This never occurs to you? That everything we’re talking about, the expulsions, the land grabs, the contempt, it’s all on purpose to make us surrender?
SHALLAH: Wow. My brother, that’s really paranoid.
SA’ADAT: Worse, it’s anti-semitic incitement. Khaled, I’m very disappointed.
SHALLAH: Those Syrians slipped something in your falafel.
FAYYAD: Look, if we present the right request in the right way at the right time, Israel will always consider it. Just like Oslo.
MESHAL: Sorry. Guess I’m a little frustrated…
SHALLAH: Here’s a good one. Arab walks into a bar on Jaffa Street in Jerusalem. Slaps a pile of shekels on the bar, says “let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Bunch of Jewish guys get drunk, they jump the Arab and beat his ass. Week later, the Arab comes back in. “Let bygones be bygones – drinks’re on me!” Jews get drunk, beat his ass again. Another week, in comes the Arab. This time he says, “I’m not buying you guys any more drinks.” Jewish guy says, “good, ‘cause we’re tired of you making us drink before we beat your ass!”
FAYYAD: Now that’s funny! I gotta tell that one to Tony Blair!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
ISRAEL CONTINUES WORLD CUP ADVANCE
Israel’s drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFA’s inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the world’s gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFA’s self-serving procedures “disputed.” All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israel’s Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.
Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg
We’re talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africa’s been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone else’s goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporter’s loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!
“This team's firing on all cylinders!” gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. “I don’t like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, it’s all up to them.”
It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!
Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldn’t be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they could’ve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!
What you football crazies need to understand is this ain’t your rabbi’s old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (“Thank God you’re a man,” the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!
Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, security’s always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a “well-meaning” Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Let’s just say he’s headed his last ball.
Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israel’s-always-wrong crowd can’t stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then there’s that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): “These Israeli guys’re always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, there’s not even a goalie left. But they’re still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.” Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasn’t shown up down here. He’d cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)
By the way, let’s quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad “hit.” Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get “killed” in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.
Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the “official” winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesn’t wait forever. One way or the other…See you at the finals!
Israel’s drive to world football supremacy has been nothing less than unstoppable. As our fans will certainly remember, once the Jewish State boldly rejected FIFA’s inherently anti-semitic qualifying process and charted its own course to the World Cup, our vaunted eleven has steamrolled all opposition. Circus Israel condemns the world’s gentile soccer bosses who smugly expected Israel to surrender after being forced to play (and succumb to) Latvia - just 10 days before Rosh Hashana!! And kudos to Limor Livnat, whose Ministry of Culture & Sport declared FIFA’s self-serving procedures “disputed.” All every righteous Beitar Jerusalem supporter ever wanted was a fair chance and - as always - we had to take it for ourselves. Shug Sheleg, Circus Israel’s Sports Editor, reports from the playing fields of South Africa.
Jewish Juggernaut Jolts Johannesburg!
By Shug Sheleg
We’re talking football, gever! Over the din of the vuvuzelas (and you better believe Israel has a nice piece of that action!), southern Africa’s been rocking to the sound of Israel blasting that wacky Jabulani into the back of someone else’s goal. The Blues and Whites pound it in from every angle - and this reporter’s loving it, baby. Our guys are for real!
“This team's firing on all cylinders!” gushed Coach Dror Kashtan as he stuffed cartons of French cigarettes into the false bottom of an enormous Adidas gym bag. “I don’t like patting myself on the back, but my idea of swarming the pitch with 40 or so lads is starting to pay off. Of course, they still have to execute the game plan. When they rappel down from the helicopters, paint guns blazing, it’s all up to them.”
It sure is, Coach (and personal friend of yours truly), and the Selected obviously love the challenge. Taking full advantage of its right to play at the time and place of its own choosing, the Israeli squad has surprised - and vanquished - one random group of Arabs and other terrorists after another. Typical example? Just last night in Cape Town, they confronted a Hezbollah-dominated Lebanese crew that apparently hoped to stage a premeditated ambush in a hotel lounge. Armed to the teeth with cocktail skewers and buffet forks, that bunch! The moral of the story? Bring your night-vision goggles next time, Arabush. Israel owns the dark!
Then there was the grungy gaggle of Palestinians that demanded a match, but couldn’t be bothered to first recognize Israel as the State of the Jewish People. Be assured that Coach Kashtan was too clever to get suckered into a pregame discussion with unfavorable preconditions. But fiery team captain Ofer Kriseik (another chum of this humble scribe) reasserted Israeli football deterrence by keying the Pals' rental car. Not that they could’ve stood up to our footballers anyway. These suicide bombers play footie like they pray - lying down!
What you football crazies need to understand is this ain’t your rabbi’s old football team. Sure, my long-time wingman Moshe Gezundheit's still keeping goal, and Amir Nockov continues to find the open net while guzzling ice cold Goldstar (“Thank God you’re a man,” the ladies still shriek at that magnificent bastard). But this high-tech squad also has a half-dozen remotely operated drones that can strafe every blade of grass inside - or beyond - the chalk lines. The pitch belongs to us, achi, undivided and eternal!
Of course, with Turks and Iranians lurking around, security’s always a major concern. But no fear, team loyalists - nobody plays our side until they shed their shirt, take a full cavity search and undergo hours of stress-position questioning. Predictably,a “well-meaning” Syrian midfielder still managed to ignore the clear warning to stay away from our sideline blockade. Let’s just say he’s headed his last ball.
Naturally, when the Jewish State triumphs, critics abound. The Israel’s-always-wrong crowd can’t stop whining about our proud sabra referee - as if a Jewish team could get a fair shake from anyone else! Then there’s that tired old flopping complaint. Listen to this Egyptian fan(atic): “These Israeli guys’re always diving, man. OK, everybody flops, but before kickoff? After their ref red cards everybody, there’s not even a goalie left. But they’re still flopping! Bunch of crybabies.” Right, Mohammed. The crybabies that whipped your yashvan 246 nil! Your gang collapsed faster than a Rafah tunnel!! (Fortunately, Goldstone hasn’t shown up down here. He’d cry foul on our fellows for not playing to lose!)
By the way, let’s quash a vile rumor before it goes any further. The alleged suffocation of the Algerian team trainer (face down in a take-away carton of couscous) was hardly a Mossad “hit.” Despite the usual security camera montage of Israelis with fake beards, this so-called shaheed had plenty of enemies in the shady world of massage therapy. The only thing that might get “killed” in South Africa these days is the buzz about Israeli football.
Finally, discussions with FIFA to schedule our match with the “official” winner of the Cup are dragging on. Caution to FIFA: when her vital interests are at stake, Israel doesn’t wait forever. One way or the other…See you at the finals!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
BARAK FOLLOWS THE GANGSTA LIFESTYLE
Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud “Little 2-Face” Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe “Boogie” Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi “Dracula” Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer “Chopstix” Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that “we aren’t North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there aren’t second chances for those that don’t defend themselves.” So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.
CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of –
BARAK: Man, don’t be puttin’ your sandal on that footlocker. Y’all disrespectin’ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.
CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. I’m just trying to make sure I understand…when you say “no mercy for the weak,” are you implying the Flotilla was weak? We’ve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.
BARAK: Now y’all puttin’ words in my mouth, yo. What I’m tellin’ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ain’t no way ‘round that in this world.
CI: So you’re saying Israel can’t be perceived as weak or she’ll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -
BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethin’ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gon’ do? Y’all gon’ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gon’ crack my motherfuckin’ head open. Or next time, won’t be no jelly bean. I’ll be takin’ the motherfuckin’ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any ol’ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gon’ do then? Nothin’. ‘Cause it too late.
CI: So it’s as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison –
BARAK: Now you getting’ it, baby. Y’all in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gon’ be somebody’s bitch.
CI: But how do you get out of –
BARAK: Out?! Y’all must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ain’t no out. Shit.
CI: It’s so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.
BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.
CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous “generous offer” at Camp David.
BARAK: Man, y’all gotta understand they wasn’t no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other ho’s. Man, I don’t give nothin’ away. You want what I got, gon’ have to take it.
CI: Aren’t you like a prisoner that’s become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?
BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep ‘em mean.
CI: Even cruel?
BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixin’ to whup my ass. Thinkin’ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gon’ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he don’t never ever think about whupping my ass again. He don’t just think twice about it. He don’t think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothin’ inside him but the fear.
CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justice…
BARAK: Boy, y’all one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else – killaz now, killaz forevuh.
CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said “the IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.” Isn’t that contradicting –
BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.
CI: There’s that vaunted Jewish sense of humor…
BARAK: Ain’t no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitin’ on? Pop a cap in that motherfucker’s ass.
CI: Ahh!! I’m a journalist!
BARAK: Ain’t that some sweet shit…Dracula, cap his ass again!
Several days ago, Defense Minister Ehud “Little 2-Face” Barak visited Atlit, the base of the best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos who conducted the defensive, but unexpectedly deadly, assault on the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Vice Prime Minister Moshe “Boogie” Ayalon was unable to accompany Barak, but the Defense Minister was joined by Chief of Staff Gabi “Dracula” Ashkenazi and Navy Commander Eliezer “Chopstix” Marom. Circus Israel tagged along and was rewarded with a face-to-face interview with Barak. We were most intrigued by his comment to his commandos that “we aren’t North America or Western Europe - we live in the Middle East, in a place where there is no mercy for the weak and there aren’t second chances for those that don’t defend themselves.” So, to illuminate the Israeli worldview, we explored the origins and implications of his commitment to the thug life.
CI: Minister, although you distinguished Israel from North America, your comment evokes the American racial ghettos and the gangster ethos of –
BARAK: Man, don’t be puttin’ your sandal on that footlocker. Y’all disrespectin’ my rank. Your skinny ass lucky to be up in here at all.
CI: Sorry, Minister. No disrespect intended. I’m just trying to make sure I understand…when you say “no mercy for the weak,” are you implying the Flotilla was weak? We’ve been hearing just the opposite from the administration, that the passengers were armed to the teeth and very dangerous.
BARAK: Now y’all puttin’ words in my mouth, yo. What I’m tellin’ you, boy, is you got to represent. Ain’t no way ‘round that in this world.
CI: So you’re saying Israel can’t be perceived as weak or she’ll be destroyed? Then even allowing a handful of small civilian vessels to -
BARAK: Look here, fool, if I take somethin’ from your lunch tray, even a jelly bean or a cracker, what you gon’ do? Y’all gon’ let me mess up your lunch tray? Hell no! You gon’ crack my motherfuckin’ head open. Or next time, won’t be no jelly bean. I’ll be takin’ the motherfuckin’ Tunisian sandwich off your tray and the falafel and the hummus and any ol’ shit I want. Then your lunch tray my lunch tray. What you gon’ do then? Nothin’. ‘Cause it too late.
CI: So it’s as if Israel and her neighbors are in a prison –
BARAK: Now you getting’ it, baby. Y’all in a prison. And you best be the boss, or you gon’ be somebody’s bitch.
CI: But how do you get out of –
BARAK: Out?! Y’all must be stuck on stupid, boy. Ain’t no out. Shit.
CI: It’s so bleak, this belief that the conflict never ends.
BARAK: Oh, it end. Yes it do. When the other motherfucker dead.
CI: You see compromise as weakness and weakness as annihilation, yet you made the now infamous “generous offer” at Camp David.
BARAK: Man, y’all gotta understand they wasn’t no generous offer to Arafat. Motherfucker run out the door, that offer so nasty. Shit was for Clinton and Tony Blair and all my other ho’s. Man, I don’t give nothin’ away. You want what I got, gon’ have to take it.
CI: Aren’t you like a prisoner that’s become institutionaIized? You seem most comfortable in perpetual war, perpetually reviled. How does that serve you?
BARAK: Gotta keep my dogs hungry. Keep ‘em mean.
CI: Even cruel?
BARAK: Lemme break it down for you, boy. Some Arab fixin’ to whup my ass. Thinkin’ if he get big enough, bad enough, mean enough, what-the-fuck enough, he gon’ have his way. Now that motherfucker, he got to get beat so bad he don’t never ever think about whupping my ass again. He don’t just think twice about it. He don’t think about it at all. You understand? Break his bones, sear his motherfucking consciousness, leave nothin’ inside him but the fear.
CI: But what about Jewish values? Compassion, scholarship, justice…
BARAK: Boy, y’all one sorry weak-ass motherfucker. Jewish value same as everybody else – killaz now, killaz forevuh.
CI: Yet this year, in response to the Goldstone Report, you said “the IDF is like no other army, both from a moral standpoint as well as from a professional standpoint.” Isn’t that contradicting –
BARAK: Yo, Dracula! Get your ass over here and shoot this motherfucker.
CI: There’s that vaunted Jewish sense of humor…
BARAK: Ain’t no joke, man. Dracula, what you waitin’ on? Pop a cap in that motherfucker’s ass.
CI: Ahh!! I’m a journalist!
BARAK: Ain’t that some sweet shit…Dracula, cap his ass again!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, it’s time to play Israel’s favorite game, “How Stupid Are You?” Sure, you’re familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, let’s review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because here’s where you come in. You’ll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you can’t, or - better yet - you don’t even know it’s a lie, a panel of Israel’s top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler “How Stupid Are You?” And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahu’s own spin doctor, the bullshitter’s bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the “pro” in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and let’s play “How Stupid Are You?!!”
“With the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.” Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?
“Israel had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.” Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?
“Anything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.” Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?
“Our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not ‘weapons’ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.” Kosher? How Stupid Are You?
“The beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara – objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the world’s most powerful armed forces.” Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?
“Forcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.” Cool? How stupid are you?
“With the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, there’s a rock-solid rumor that they’re linked to Al Qaeda.” Wow. How Stupid Are You?
“This whole unfortunate incident could’ve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of ‘humanitarian’ would’ve applied, which means most of the ships’ cargo would’ve been rejected, and the rest would’ve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.” Anything? How stupid are you?
“If there were any reason to investigate Israel’s defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea – and there is none – Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.” How Stupid Are You?
“Any belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britain’s Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.” How...stupid...are...you?
Thanks for playing “How stupid are you?” Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and c’mon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.
Hey, Israel massacred the Gaza Aid Flotilla. Know what that means? Once again, it’s time to play Israel’s favorite game, “How Stupid Are You?” Sure, you’re familiar with the game, but for the benefit of new players, let’s review how things work. First, Israel does something despicable and lots of other people die. Then, Israel cranks up its bullshit machine and lies flow out like soap bubbles. Got it so far? Great! Because here’s where you come in. You’ll get 10 seconds to burst each bubble. If you can’t, or - better yet - you don’t even know it’s a lie, a panel of Israel’s top bullshit artists will ring their bells, blow their horns and holler “How Stupid Are You?” And have we got a panel for you! Bibi Netanyahu’s own spin doctor, the bullshitter’s bullshitter, Mark Regev! The word warrior herself, the straightest face in hasbara, Major Avital Leibovich! And our guest panelist, the guy who put the “pro” in propaganda, Yediot Aharonot writer Yoaz Hendel! OK, panel, unleash the lies - and let’s play “How Stupid Are You?!!”
“With the Svengali-like foresight that only remorseless terrorists can muster, the Flotilla organizers orchestrated the massacre from conception to finish, leaving Israel absolutely no choice but to assault the Mavi Mamara with military force, at night, from the air, in international waters, with no mainstream Western journalists around.” Spot any lies? No? How Stupid Are You?
“Israel had every right to defend its sovereignty by attacking and seizing civilian vessels on the high seas, particularly vessels bound for a territory that has hostile relations with Israel. Operation Cast Lead proved how hostile those relations are. In other words, our massacre on land in 2009 justifies our massacre at sea in 2010. Sometimes international law is ironic that way.” Any lies? None? How Stupid Are You?
“Anything an Israeli spokesperson tells you about the events aboard the Mavi Mamara is true and anything you hear later from a so-called humanitarian on the ship is utterly false and anti-Israel incitement. Israel would never be the first to resort to violence.” Any problems with that? How Stupid Are You?
“Our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos were unarmed, except for paint guns, which they carry in case they land in a beer commercial or fraternity party. Their handguns, rifles and grenades were not ‘weapons’ within this context, but they became weapons when taken away by our enemies.” Kosher? How Stupid Are You?
“The beleaguered Israeli commandos discovered pipes and knives on the Mavi Mamara – objects that are never found on ships. Moreover, as the so-called humanitarians plainly understood, such implements are fully capable of vanquishing and humiliating one of the world’s most powerful armed forces.” Sounds good? How Stupid Are You?
“Forcibly boarding a civilian ship in international water is piracy when Blacks do it off the coast of Africa, but not when Israel does it in the Mediterranean. Consequently, the so-called humanitarians had no right to defend themselves against our best-of-the-best-of-the-best Shayetet 13 commandos. In fact, whenever you call yourself a humanitarian, you forfeit your right to defend yourself.” Cool? How stupid are you?
“With the possible exception of a handful of ideological dupes, the so-called humanitarians are actually terrorists or links in the terror chain - and, as the Israeli ambassador to Denmark cogently observed, there’s a rock-solid rumor that they’re linked to Al Qaeda.” Wow. How Stupid Are You?
“This whole unfortunate incident could’ve been avoided by accepting our offer to inspect the Flotilla at Ashdod and ship actual humanitarian items by land. Of course, our definition of ‘humanitarian’ would’ve applied, which means most of the ships’ cargo would’ve been rejected, and the rest would’ve gone in on our existing slow schedule, thus maintaining the blockaded status quo Israel and her American ally prefer, but this is irrelevant.” Anything? How stupid are you?
“If there were any reason to investigate Israel’s defensive response to the terrorist ambush at sea – and there is none – Israel is more than capable of impartially uncovering the truth of every anti-Israel provocation.” How Stupid Are You?
“Any belligerence or aggression by Israel or the pre-partition Jewish Yishuv was unavoidable self-defense, including the assassinations of UN mediator Folke Bernadotte and Britain’s Lord Moyne, the lynching of British soldiers in retaliation for the capture of Jewish terrorists, the Haifa bus bombings, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the massacres at Deir Yassin and dozens of other Palestinian villages, the sinking of the US ship Liberty, the launch of the 1967 war, every invasion and bombing of Lebanon, the killings of Rachel Corrie, Tom Hurndall and James Miller, Operation Cast Lead, the Dubai hit on Mahmoud al-Mamhouh, the as-yet unidentified victims of the Flotilla Massacre and the thousands of other killings and needless deaths, mostly Arab, that, when listed together, would reveal a culture of megalomania and necrophilia if gentiles were involved.” How...stupid...are...you?
Thanks for playing “How stupid are you?” Please enjoy a cleansing enema - and c’mon back for another game when the next Flotilla approaches Gaza.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
ISRAEL FEELING SINGLED OUT
The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)
SHMUEL R. (software designer): “All I’m saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, you’re a Jew-hating shit-head. That’s all I’m saying.”
ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): “I’m only against being singled out. I don’t oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that we’re unique, a Light Unto Nations, God’s Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, don’t single us out.”
ADINA L. (early childhood educator): “Once in a while, single us out for something good we’ve developed – like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.”
YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): “How about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?”
TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): “Maybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause in…all those places they cause trouble in."
STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) “Why don’t they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why don’t they? Nothing to say, judenrat?”
AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) “Us they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?”
MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): “Can you believe what they’re getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?”
YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): “Which singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?”
DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) “Blood libel!”
SHIMON P. (President of Israel): “It’s time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites.”
AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): “As a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. It’s a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.”
GOLDA A. (painless dentist): “I have only one question about this repulsive singling out – is it good for the Jews?”
The righteous Hebraic air of Eretz Israel is again scented with the complaint that our nation is singled out, among all others, for rebuke. Such anti-Israel criticism is hypocrisy, we cry, and an expression of anti-semitism. To probe this troubling development, Circus Israel thrust its investigatory rectal thermometer into the shopping centers of the Jewish State. As customers squeezed out of busy supermarkets, we absorbed their discourse on the unequal treatment of their homeland. Whether they paced agitatedly or sat uneasily on stools, their pungent opinions represent the by-product of the unique Jewish experience in a stressful world. Representative samples appear below. (To ensure that Circus Israel took no side in the ongoing Sabbath desecration controversy, our researchers collected remarks at stores affiliated with both Supersol and Blue Square.)
SHMUEL R. (software designer): “All I’m saying is when you discuss Israel negatively, you have to mention every other nation in the same breath. Otherwise, you’re a Jew-hating shit-head. That’s all I’m saying.”
ELIE W. (professional survivor and honoree): “I’m only against being singled out. I don’t oppose saying our suffering must be elevated above all others, or that we’re unique, a Light Unto Nations, God’s Chosen People, never wrong and above international law. But, please, don’t single us out.”
ADINA L. (early childhood educator): “Once in a while, single us out for something good we’ve developed – like armored bulldozers or family punishment or certain interrogation methods.”
YISRAEL Y. (redeemer of sacred hilltops): “How about me and my posse single you out, you fucking traitor?”
TATIANA M. (beautician and drug mule): “Maybe they could single out Iran for once. Is Iran invisible? Look at all the trouble they cause in…all those places they cause trouble in."
STEVEN P. (Haifa University professor) “Why don’t they pick on all the other countries with undefined borders, ethnic-based public policy, a vast apparatus of usurpation and occupation, a siege on another people, a continuous history of attacking neighboring states and a disregard for international law? Why don’t they? Nothing to say, judenrat?”
AVIGAIL B. (fertile womb of the Jewish People) “Us they single out? The only ethno-religious democracy in the Middle East? Who ever heard of such a thing?”
MENACHEM D. (yeshiva student): “Can you believe what they’re getting for yogurt here? At these prices, who can afford to feed me?”
YORAM N. (IDF Lieutenant and DJ): “Which singling out do you mean, bro? Where Obama has to give us more military aid than anybody else?”
DOV L. (rabbi & mohel) “Blood libel!”
SHIMON P. (President of Israel): “It’s time to begin proximity negotiations to quantify the number and characteristics of other nations that must be discussed when criticizing Israel. But first there must be confidence building measures, such as the purchase of Israeli products and airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites.”
AVIGDOR L. (Israeli Foreign Minister): “As a boy, I was often singled out for hitting other children with a lead pipe, so I know how that feels. It’s a real slap in the face to your self-esteem.”
GOLDA A. (painless dentist): “I have only one question about this repulsive singling out – is it good for the Jews?”
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
THANK GOD I WASN’T BORN A GENTILE
In 2009, MK Zevulun Orlev (New National Religious Party) proposed legislation to criminalize public denial of Israel’s right to exist as a Jewish and democratic state (but only if that denial might arouse attitudes rejected by all civilized people, such as “disdain”). Also in that year, MK Alex Miller (Yisrael Beitenu) presented a law outlawing commemoration of al Nakba (that sourpuss Palestinian slur for Israeli independence). Yet purple-lipped, Jew-hating zealots vilified us. Us! The Only Democracy in the Middle East! For what? For doing nothing more than invoking our inalienable right to punish opinions we don’t want to hear. Oh, the things they called us – small-minded, racist, weak. Anything to put Jews on the defensive. Now we’re getting hassled for a military order authorizing expulsion or imprisonment of any Palestinian in the West Bank without proper Israeli-issued West Bank identification. Aren’t we the only nation being de-legitimized for administrative efficiency?
Enough. No more explanations, justifications or strategic and minutely limited contrition. No more soothing your gentile sensibilities. The gloves are coming off. Goyim, here’s the truth. We’re better. That’s it. Case closed. Jews are better. You already knew that. Now deal with it. No more asking us to change things for you. Why should we? We’re already better than you. Next time we do something you don’t like, keep your mouths shut. Who are you to tell us anything? You’re less. And in this case, less is not more. Thank God we weren’t born gentiles. Now get out. Leave Eretz Israel. Why would we want you here? We want to be around better people. We are better people. Go. If we want you to do something for us, we’ll let you know. Until then, just go.
We’ve tried to tell you this for a long time. “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” This is our prayer. What part didn’t you understand? “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile.” Either you didn’t listen carefully or we overestimated your gentile capacity to understand our meaning. So now we’ll remind you every time our paths intersect. We’ve proposed a new law in the Knesset - the “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Law.” It requires us to tell you, whenever possible, how we feel about ourselves and about you. Under the TGIWBAG Law, the words “Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile” must appear conspicuously in any document or be spoken in a loud, strong voice whenever:
Israel accepts financial aid, loan guarantees or weaponry from the United States or any other nation;
Israel demands that another country sanction or attack Iran;
Israel demands (1) a veto of an unfavorable UN resolution or (2) international repudiation of a UN agency, an NGO, a BDS proposal or the Goldstone Report;
An Israeli official or diplomat lobbies the US Congress, the parliament of any other nation or any multi-national organization;
Israel enters into a treaty or other agreement with any nation or people;
Anything produced in Israel or by Jewish settlers in the occupied territories is offered for sale outside Israel;
Israel issues a Jewish “nationality” passport (but not any of the other 100-plus “nationalities” on Israeli passports);
Israel communicates with any foreign ambassador or emissary who has not already been insulted;
Israel accepts money or support from a Christian Zionist (unless a Rapture occurs first);
A Jewish Israeli describes “our shared values” to any Western media outlet;
Israel equals or exceeds its total of 1 bronze medal in the 2008 Olympics (note: calling the host nation “scum,” as bronze medalist Sahar Zudari did in Beijing, cannot be substituted for “Thank God I wasn’t born a gentile”);
A Jewish Israeli copies the cuisine, music, television, film, dance or popular culture of another people or nation (this includes any version of the high-five, rapping in any language, karaoke and Amir “Brother” Benayoun’s music);
Omri Casspi accepts his paycheck from the Maloof family, the Lebanese-American owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings;
Bibi’s comb-over appears in a foreign publication (speak firmly - and no laughing).
So, gentile, hopefully this will clarify, once and for all, our perspective on Jewish-only highways and Arab inhabitation of East Jerusalem. And the next time you fly into Israel on Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airlines, land at Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentile Airport, and exchange your currency for a stack of Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Gentiles, look closely at those proud and pious Jewish men strolling in their handsome fur Shtreimels and conversing in Hebrew. You’ll know exactly what they’re thinking.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
SPRING BOOKS FOR FERVENT ZIONISTS
Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, God’s eternally Chosen People and humankind’s eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If you’re too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesn’t.
THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)
Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israel’s struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (“[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.”) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another “and kill” to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes “all day, every day” to “24/7/365.” The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, “will become even bigger animals than they are today.” The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans don’t quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, they’re doomed to live as werewolves.
SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).
In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israel’s image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israel’s supporters with “Justification Fatigue.” He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDF’s principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed “I feel really flatulent.” But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. “Let them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. They’ll awaken to a united Jerusalem.”
IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)
No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to America’s presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)
The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israel’s most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews don’t speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldstein’s medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldstein’s idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.
CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)
Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as “cowardly and naïve.”
AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).
In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israel’s Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israel’s “culinary High Priestess” and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach – how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shi’ite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.
DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)
The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for “the despised,” by pit-bulling for some of America’s biggest – and often wealthiest – assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. “I am,” he insists, “my toughest case.” Labeling himself an “utterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,” the frothy professor persuades us that he’s everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.
RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).
Israel’s Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabet’s letter “J.” After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital “J” the “eternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.” Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. “It is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.”
SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).
Israel’s Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when they’re not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.
Spring is a time of renewal. As with all things, this is of greatest importance for the Jews, God’s eternally Chosen People and humankind’s eternally chosen victim. In this spirit, Circus Israel recommends several recently published books for spring reading by everyone committed to complete and permanent redemption of the Jewish homeland. These works are sure to restore, revitalize and reinvigorate your determination to reject, resist and repudiate the encroachment of universal values on Jewish culture. If you’re too busy moving Arab furniture to read them, at least display them on your own coffee table - and question the loyalty of anyone who doesn’t.
THE MEAT LOCKER NEXT DOOR, by Arnon Soffer (Three Rivers Press)
Distinguished Geography Professor Arnon Soffer expands his legendary interview with the Jerusalem Post into a book-length treatise on Israel’s struggle against the Arab occupation of the Jewish State. Still refusing to pull his punches, the hard-nosed advisor to Israeli leaders forcefully demonstrates that his central thesis (“[I]f we want to remain alive, we will have to kill and kill and kill. All day, every day.”) remains as vital today as when it first spurted from his foam-flecked lips in 2004. Soffer cogently adds another “and kill” to account for population growth in Gaza, and, in a welcome shout-out to the youth culture at his home base at the University of Haifa, changes “all day, every day” to “24/7/365.” The no-nonsense author also makes explicit the ineluctable principle underlying his work - that no two peoples can constructively co-exist and the strong owe it to themselves to devour the weak while they have the advantage. Finally, Soffer fearlessly revisits another of his 2004 predictions: that the Arabs in Gaza, if isolated, “will become even bigger animals than they are today.” The Professor boldly declares that if the Gazans don’t quickly abandon their preoccupation with rebuilding their homes and direct their non-blockaded resources to developing a world class desalinization program, they’re doomed to live as werewolves.
SPINNING WITHOUT SLEEP: HOW COMBATING ANTI-ISRAELI LIES MAKES YOU TIRED, by Dore Gold (Regnery Press).
In this groundbreaking effort, the prolific Dore Gold (The Rise of Nuclear Iran: How Tehran Defies the West; and Tower of Babble: How the United Nations Has Fueled Global Chaos) discourses on the grueling toll - and existential necessity - of defending Israel’s image among nations. Gold begins ominously, chronicling how a deluge of ill-informed criticism of the proportionate defensive measure known as Operation Cast Lead has left Israel’s supporters with “Justification Fatigue.” He highlights the heart-rending plight of Maj. Avital Leibovich, the IDF’s principal spokesperson during the Gaza campaign. Under an unrelenting bombardment of misinformation and Arab propaganda, Maj. Leibovich corrected and contextualized to the brink of exhaustion. At one precarious moment, Gold reveals, the beleaguered major turned to Mark Regev, her equally weary civilian counterpart, and softly confessed “I feel really flatulent.” But it is at just such junctures, former UN Ambassador Gold intones, that every Jew must dip into our unique genetic reservoir of resourcefulness to continue the eternal resistance against extinction. And Gold practices what he preaches, resolutely guiding the reader from near-despair to vigorous resolve. “Let them snore, the Goldstones, the Jimmy Carters, the Ahmadinejads. They’ll awaken to a united Jerusalem.”
IT WAS STRICTLY THE TIMING, by Eli Yishai (Shocken Publishing)
No matter how strenuously the Israel-haters may yearn for a US-Israel rift over Jewish housing construction in East Jerusalem, they will be disappointed by this 8-volume compilation. With an avalanche of correspondence, email, press releases, interview transcriptions, text messages, tweets, telephone logs, diplomatic cables, back-channel reassurances, love letters, ransom notes and campaign pledges, editor and Israeli Interior Minister Eli Yishai irrevocably buries the bizarre notion that American officials objected to anything but the TIMING OF THE ANNOUNCEMENT of 1600 Jewish-only housing units in the Ramat Shlomo neighborhood. Nevertheless, for good measure, Yishai blends in American and Israeli commentary exposing Palestinian criticism of Jewish construction in East Jerusalem as nothing more than anti-semitic incitement. Prominent contributors include Joe Biden, Hilary and Bill Clinton, George Mitchell, Robert Gates, Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin, Infrastructure Minister Uzi Landau, Pres. Shimon Peres, Henry Kissinger and Massab Yousef. Under-Appreciated Fact - far from an insult,1600 was chosen as an homage to America’s presidential address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
GUNFIGHT AT MA'ALE REHAVAM, by Gen. Moshe Arens (Dekel Publishing)
The cranky general tries his hand at biographical fiction and whips up a frothy and action-packed brew. Arens imagines the ultimate showdown between mass killer Baruch Goldstein and assassin Yigal Amir, two of Israel’s most storied gunfighters. In the Judean frontier, where redemption spits from the barrel of a rifle, Arens knows well that Jews don’t speak the language of compromise. So, while the headstrong protagonists are the last to realize it, Arens deftly pulls the inevitability of their confrontation into an ever-tightening net. Whether it was the potions Amir purloined from Dr. Goldstein’s medical bag, or the intoxication of Goldstein’s idolatrous night with Larisa Trembovler, the reader has no doubt there will be blood.
CONQUERING THE VOID, by Ariel Sharon, as told to Dov Weisglass (Gefen Publishing)
Resolute as ever, the Bulldozer reports from his comatose netherworld, as narrated by his trusted advisor and favorite quipster, attorney Dov Weisglass. Predictably, the incapacitated PM finds no Palestinian partner for peace in the indefinite beyond and must carve out the borders of the Jewish Vegetative State unilaterally. Left with no reasonable alternative, he parachutes behind enemy ether and establishes irrevocable Jewish facts in the clouds. When ethereal Arabs reflexively respond with mindless terror, Arik deploys the IDF to break their vaguely formed bones. Of course, Sharon simultaneously works the diplomatic channel, outflanking Arafat by abruptly disengaging from certain peripheral and non-strategic gastric functions. In a lighter note, the indisposed PM playfully recounts his distaste for his free-floating miasmic dust-bunnies, which he describes as “cowardly and naïve.”
AN IRANIAN COOKBOOK, by Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, foreword by Phyllis Glazer (Dekel Publishing).
In this colorful and zesty volume, Maj. Gen. Amos Yadlin, Israel’s Director of Military Intelligence, serves up a tasty sampling of Iranian cuisine on a platter filled with compelling analysis of the Iranian threat to Israel and everyone else who eats. The two actual Iranian recipes in this 289-page delight are provided in a piquant foreword by Phyllis Glazer, Israel’s “culinary High Priestess” and a committed Zionist. She puckishly convinces us that both the chicken and chick pea flour dish known as Gundi and the rice-based Chelo (and, in fact, rice, chickens and chick peas themselves) derive from Persian Jewish ingenuity. The appetite thus whetted, Gen. Yadlin concocts an extraordinary casserole of facts, insights and predictions about the Iranian danger to Judeo-Christian hegemony. Most unsettling to the stomach – how an Iranian nuclear capability would both nullify the conventional weapons deterrent bought with billions of American dollars and undermine the implicit anti-Iranian/anti-Shi’ite shield Israel provides for Saudia Arabia and Egypt.
DERSH-BAG, by Alan Dershowitz (John Wiley & Sons)
The words virtually run screeching from the page in this self-defense by media personality and Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz. Since clawing his way into Brooklyn College, Dershowitz has constructed a potent image as the advocate for “the despised,” by pit-bulling for some of America’s biggest – and often wealthiest – assholes, including O.J. Simpson, Leona Helmsley, junk bond hustler Michael Milken, Jewish Defense League bomb-maker Sheldon Seigel, lurid nursing home operator (and orthodox rabbi) Bernard Bergman, traitor and spy Jonathon Pollard, disgraced evangelist Rev. Jim Bakker and the absolutely essential Claus Von Bulow. And, of course, the State of Israel. That sort of list would challenge even the most frantic attention-seeker in the search for an ever more odious lightning rod, but Dershowitz is up to the task. “I am,” he insists, “my toughest case.” Labeling himself an “utterly obnoxious and quasi-hysterical Dersh-Bag,” the frothy professor persuades us that he’s everything his critics claim and - for that reason - an inspiration.
RECLAIMING THE J, by Limor Livnat (Shocken Publishing).
Israel’s Minister of Culture and Sport, Limor Livnat, reasserts her political relevance with this daring demand for recognition of the Jewish birthright. In simple, stark prose, she asserts our inalienable right to the English alphabet’s letter “J.” After convincingly tracing its origin to the Roman alphabet - devised by the very destroyers of the Second Temple - Livnat forcefully declares the capital “J” the “eternal and undivided Capital Letter of the Jewish People.” Is it too much, she queries, for the Jews to have just one letter among 26? Her answer is emphatic. “It is ours, this J, this magnificent character, from its purposeful upward thrust toward the God that gave it to us, to its sacred basin that collects every tear of Jewish suffering.”
SHOW THEM THE DOOR, by Avigdor Lieberman (Vanity Press).
Israel’s Foreign Minister draws from his experiences as a bar bouncer to craft a daring and paradigm-shifting plan for resolving our conflict with the Palestinians. The bullet points - 1) Get all your guys together; 2) Jump the Towel-Heads when they’re not looking; 3) Beat the shit out of them; 4) Throw them out on their asses. For ages 4 and up.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I LOVE LUCY THE CHRISTIAN ZIONIST
Another Circus Israel exclusive: Israel Channel 1 will roll out a new comedy series remaking the legendary American sitcom “I Love Lucy.” The original “Lucy” premiered in the 1950’s and has delighted succeeding generations in re-run. The title roles, inaugurated by Lucille Ball (“Lucy Ricardo”) and Desi Arnaz (“Ricky Ricardo”), will be assumed by Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon and his Israeli-American spouse, Anne. Evgeny Afineevsky of New Generation Films will produce and direct. Afineevsky’s previous work includes “Oy Vey, My Son is Gay” and “Booty and the Beast.” The new “Lucy” will be called "I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist" and will be set in contemporary Israel, retaining the flavor and characters of the original. “Listen, I’m so thrilled with this project!” said Afineevsky. "Danny and Anne are perfect, and I’ve got Menahem Golan, who loved ‘Lucy’ forever, backing me up again. And I’ll tell you something else. I worked with Carmen Electra in 'Oy Vey,’ and you just might see her as a wacky neighbor who’s into Kabbalah.” Circus Israel obtained a rough-cut of the first episode of the new “Lucy” by telling Danny Ayalon he looked “youthful.” Here’s what we saw on the screen…
SCENE 1
The Ricardos' living room in Hod Hasharon. RICKY RICARDO enters, humming. Applause. He stumbles on a toy - a dinosaur with a skullcap and payot. He picks it up, sighs.
RICKY: And they say the Jews haven’t been here since time immemorial?
As Ricky puts the toy on the sofa, LUCY RICARDO enters. Applause.
LUCY: What’d you say, honey?...(Seeing the toy) Oof! Nim'as li! (Firing the toy at a frightened MAID) Are you retarded? Clean this room! (To Ricky, suddenly smiling) Sweetheart, I was just thinking… (straightens his tie) how ever since we met 33 years ago when I was an Ohio schoolgirl with fresh, all-American looks, red hair, unexpectedly fulsome breasts and oral skills tailor-made to hook a handsome, ambitious, high-strung but essentially insecure Mizrahi bandleader-politician hunting for a trophy wife men would lust for…(pauses for breath), you’ve made me almost the happiest gal in Israel.
RICKY: “Almost.” Wait a second. You’re up to something, Lucy. Another one of your hare-brained schemes?
LUCY: Oh, Ricky, how could you say such a thing?
RICKY: C’mon, what is it this time?
LUCY: Well, nothing really. Just Ethel and I are working on a cabaret act …
RICKY: And?
LUCY: And we’d really like to perform in your show -
RICKY: Absolutely not.
LUCY: Please, honey -
RICKY: I said no. That’s it. Now let’s get ready for the Turkish ambassador. He’ll be here any minute. With plenty of news cameras.
LUCY: Cameras?
RICKY: Lucy, no bright ideas.
LUCY: Of course not, dear.
SCENE 2
Lucy’s in the family garden, arranging chairs. She continuously rearranges, trying for perfection. After several changes, she returns to the original arrangement, triggering the laugh track. ESTHER “ETHEL” MERTZ enters in a cabaret dress. Applause. She looks around furtively.
ETHEL: Ricky around?
LUCY: He’s flirting with the hall mirror. The big lug says it completes him.
ETHEL: Where’s your cabaret dress, Lucy?
LUCY: Ready to go.
ETHEL: I just don’t think this’ll work.
LUCY: Stop worrying, Ethel. It’s foolproof. We put on those dreadful veils and tell the security detail we’re with the Turkish ambassador. Once we get in front of the cameras, we ditch the veils and start singing. Ricky has to go along - he can’t admit we crashed his meeting. Uh-oh, here he comes! Hide behind that Shoah memorial fountain.
Ethel does. Ricky enters.
RICKY: Lucy, what’re you doing? Are you crazy?
LUCY: What’s wrong? Everything’s equal.
RICKY: That’s what’s wrong! Ahabla! Don’t you understand - we’re humiliating Turkey for criticizing Operation Cast Lead and making the Mossad look violent on TV. (Pulling down the Turkish flag) Throw this rag away. (Tossing chair) And no seat. Inflate that little wading pool and fill it with warm water. The ambassador can sit in it like a baby. I’ll stand on the lifeguard tower and look down at him.
LUCY: I thought Turkey was our ally.
RICKY: I told you a thousand times, Israel doesn’t have allies. We have mutual interests. Turkey’s no different than you Christian Zionists.
LUCY: We’re selling Heron drones to the Christian Zionists, too? About time.
RICKY: Stop being silly and go find some handcuffs. We’ll strip the ambassador naked and let our dog lunge at him. And no funny business with the cabaret stuff.
Lucy leaves to find handcuffs. Ricky shakes his head. EFRAIM “FRED” MERTZ enters. Applause.
FRED: Hey, Rick. You won’t believe what happened to me. They used my passport.
RICKY: Who?
FRED: The Mossad. When they hit al-Mabhouh in Dubai. Hell, I never left the country. I’ve been constipated for a month.
RICKY: Maybe it wasn’t the Mossad.
FRED: And maybe the Pals don’t miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
RICKY: That line never gets old, Fred.
FRED: Wish I could say the same about Ethel. Hey, listen, I got that Congressman Delahunt coming to your little shindig. And his J Street puppetmasters.
RICKY: Nice work! We’re going to have quite a humiliation party. Speaking of which, Lucy and Ethel are cooking something up.
FRED: Not Ethel’s eggplant salad.
RICKY: Worse. Cabaret. And I’ve got a little surprise for them. I figure they’ll try to sneak in with the Turkish ambassador. So I told the security boys to pick ‘em up and interrogate ’em. Let’s see if an hour with their heads in a vomit-filled bag improves their behavior.
FRED: Heck, Ethel’s already a vomit-filled bag.
RICKY. Fred. Be nice.
FRED: Easy for you to say. Your wife’s got all-American looks, red hair and unexpectedly fulsome breasts
RICKY: (indicating the corner of his mouth) Fred…
FRED: Huh? Oh…(he wipes food from his face) Ethel’s eggplant salad. Hey, a man’s gotta eat.
RICKY: C’mon, it’s almost show time. Call Avigdor, tell him we’re set.
Ricky and Fred leave. Ethel comes out of hiding, furious. Lucy enters.
LUCY: Thought they’d never leave.
ETHEL: Vomit-filled bag, huh?
LUCY: What’s wrong, Ethel.
ETHEL: Nothing a targeted assassination wouldn’t cure. By the way, they‘ve already figured out your plan.
LUCY: Then we’ll just go to Plan B.
SCENE 3
In front of the Ricardo home. The Turkish AMBASSADOR (Ahmet Oguz Celikkol) and his entourage alight from several cars. The usual klan of ultra-nationalist, ultra-orthodox and ultra-nationalist/ultra-orthodox protesters, premature burnouts and Aryeh Eldad scream and spit at them. Security personnel and police from various agencies watch indifferently. Ricky and Fred are sunbathing on recliners.
RICKY: Hey, what’s this, a Qassam squad?
FRED: Or just car thieves?
AMBASSADOR: Please, Deputy Minister Ricardo, help us.
RICKY: And you are…?
AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Celikkol, of course. You know this.
RICKY: From…?
FRED: Iran?
RICKY: Hamas? No, wait. From that empire that used to occupy our land. Ottoman.
FRED: The kind you put your feet on.
RICKY: (passing sunscreen to the Ambassador) Here, get my legs. Then go back to our pool. My wife has your place ready.
AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage!
RICKY: (to security) Escort the ambassador and his henchmen to the pool. And question those two.
As the Ambassador and his entourage are hustled away, two women with veiled faces are separated and taken toward a security vehicle. Ricky and Fred cackle.
RICKY: Question them thoroughly!
FRED: Watch out for the fat one! She kicks like a mule!
Ricky and Fred stroll toward the rear of the house. Nearby, two bearded RABBIS stride past other security officers.
OFFICER: Stop. Show me an invitation.
1ST RABBI: We just want to throw these bricks at the Turk.
OFFICER: (waving them in) Stay away from the buffet.
SCENE 4
The Ambassador sits handcuffed in a child’s wading pool, where Fred’s hosing him down. Ricky’s talking to the news cameras.
RICKY: Look how puny he is! Like his backward, anti-semitic country. Yet we’re offering him a cool drink of water.
AMBASSADOR: You must stop!
FRED: Water too Jewish for ya?
Security escorts US. CONGRESSMAN BILL DELAHUNT toward the pool.
RICKY: Ah, Congressman, welcome to the Land of Israel! You see how I welcome you when you’re not with the Israel-haters from J Street?
DELAHUNT: I’m very puzzled by all this. And, frankly, offended.
RICKY: Offended? You question Israel’s right to exist? (To cameras) Do you hear this incitement to terror?
DELAHUNT: I’m a United States Congressman, sir.
FRED: Not for long. When the campaign cash rains on your Republican opponent, they’ll Scott Brown your butt right outta Massachusetts.
RICKY: Israel’s legitimacy will not be undermined by the international community. It comes directly from God, channeled through implacable future Prime Ministers like myself. (Climbing up to the diving board of his swimming pool) Witness our power! Behold! I part the waters!! (He gestures down to the pool. Nothing happens.) Behold! (to Fred, sotto voce) Psst – Fred, drain the pool!
FRED: Sorry, Rick. I got caught up with the Turkish bath. I’ll get right on it.
As Fred runs to open the pool drain, the two Rabbis dash in front of the cameras.
1ST RABBI: Mordechai, did you hear the one about the Arab that didn’t blame all his problems on Israel?
2ND RABBI: Sure didn’t, Meir.
1ST RABBI: Neither did I.
2ND RABBI: Then we might as well enjoy some cabaret.
The Rabbis toss off their disguises and long coats, revealing Lucy and Ethel in their cabaret dresses.
RICKY: Lucy! What’re you doing? This is MY show!
Lucy and Ethel sing “Willkommen” from the musical “Cabaret.” These lyrics flow and repeat as the action continues:
Another Circus Israel exclusive: Israel Channel 1 will roll out a new comedy series remaking the legendary American sitcom “I Love Lucy.” The original “Lucy” premiered in the 1950’s and has delighted succeeding generations in re-run. The title roles, inaugurated by Lucille Ball (“Lucy Ricardo”) and Desi Arnaz (“Ricky Ricardo”), will be assumed by Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon and his Israeli-American spouse, Anne. Evgeny Afineevsky of New Generation Films will produce and direct. Afineevsky’s previous work includes “Oy Vey, My Son is Gay” and “Booty and the Beast.” The new “Lucy” will be called "I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist" and will be set in contemporary Israel, retaining the flavor and characters of the original. “Listen, I’m so thrilled with this project!” said Afineevsky. "Danny and Anne are perfect, and I’ve got Menahem Golan, who loved ‘Lucy’ forever, backing me up again. And I’ll tell you something else. I worked with Carmen Electra in 'Oy Vey,’ and you just might see her as a wacky neighbor who’s into Kabbalah.” Circus Israel obtained a rough-cut of the first episode of the new “Lucy” by telling Danny Ayalon he looked “youthful.” Here’s what we saw on the screen…
SCENE 1
The Ricardos' living room in Hod Hasharon. RICKY RICARDO enters, humming. Applause. He stumbles on a toy - a dinosaur with a skullcap and payot. He picks it up, sighs.
RICKY: And they say the Jews haven’t been here since time immemorial?
As Ricky puts the toy on the sofa, LUCY RICARDO enters. Applause.
LUCY: What’d you say, honey?...(Seeing the toy) Oof! Nim'as li! (Firing the toy at a frightened MAID) Are you retarded? Clean this room! (To Ricky, suddenly smiling) Sweetheart, I was just thinking… (straightens his tie) how ever since we met 33 years ago when I was an Ohio schoolgirl with fresh, all-American looks, red hair, unexpectedly fulsome breasts and oral skills tailor-made to hook a handsome, ambitious, high-strung but essentially insecure Mizrahi bandleader-politician hunting for a trophy wife men would lust for…(pauses for breath), you’ve made me almost the happiest gal in Israel.
RICKY: “Almost.” Wait a second. You’re up to something, Lucy. Another one of your hare-brained schemes?
LUCY: Oh, Ricky, how could you say such a thing?
RICKY: C’mon, what is it this time?
LUCY: Well, nothing really. Just Ethel and I are working on a cabaret act …
RICKY: And?
LUCY: And we’d really like to perform in your show -
RICKY: Absolutely not.
LUCY: Please, honey -
RICKY: I said no. That’s it. Now let’s get ready for the Turkish ambassador. He’ll be here any minute. With plenty of news cameras.
LUCY: Cameras?
RICKY: Lucy, no bright ideas.
LUCY: Of course not, dear.
SCENE 2
Lucy’s in the family garden, arranging chairs. She continuously rearranges, trying for perfection. After several changes, she returns to the original arrangement, triggering the laugh track. ESTHER “ETHEL” MERTZ enters in a cabaret dress. Applause. She looks around furtively.
ETHEL: Ricky around?
LUCY: He’s flirting with the hall mirror. The big lug says it completes him.
ETHEL: Where’s your cabaret dress, Lucy?
LUCY: Ready to go.
ETHEL: I just don’t think this’ll work.
LUCY: Stop worrying, Ethel. It’s foolproof. We put on those dreadful veils and tell the security detail we’re with the Turkish ambassador. Once we get in front of the cameras, we ditch the veils and start singing. Ricky has to go along - he can’t admit we crashed his meeting. Uh-oh, here he comes! Hide behind that Shoah memorial fountain.
Ethel does. Ricky enters.
RICKY: Lucy, what’re you doing? Are you crazy?
LUCY: What’s wrong? Everything’s equal.
RICKY: That’s what’s wrong! Ahabla! Don’t you understand - we’re humiliating Turkey for criticizing Operation Cast Lead and making the Mossad look violent on TV. (Pulling down the Turkish flag) Throw this rag away. (Tossing chair) And no seat. Inflate that little wading pool and fill it with warm water. The ambassador can sit in it like a baby. I’ll stand on the lifeguard tower and look down at him.
LUCY: I thought Turkey was our ally.
RICKY: I told you a thousand times, Israel doesn’t have allies. We have mutual interests. Turkey’s no different than you Christian Zionists.
LUCY: We’re selling Heron drones to the Christian Zionists, too? About time.
RICKY: Stop being silly and go find some handcuffs. We’ll strip the ambassador naked and let our dog lunge at him. And no funny business with the cabaret stuff.
Lucy leaves to find handcuffs. Ricky shakes his head. EFRAIM “FRED” MERTZ enters. Applause.
FRED: Hey, Rick. You won’t believe what happened to me. They used my passport.
RICKY: Who?
FRED: The Mossad. When they hit al-Mabhouh in Dubai. Hell, I never left the country. I’ve been constipated for a month.
RICKY: Maybe it wasn’t the Mossad.
FRED: And maybe the Pals don’t miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
RICKY: That line never gets old, Fred.
FRED: Wish I could say the same about Ethel. Hey, listen, I got that Congressman Delahunt coming to your little shindig. And his J Street puppetmasters.
RICKY: Nice work! We’re going to have quite a humiliation party. Speaking of which, Lucy and Ethel are cooking something up.
FRED: Not Ethel’s eggplant salad.
RICKY: Worse. Cabaret. And I’ve got a little surprise for them. I figure they’ll try to sneak in with the Turkish ambassador. So I told the security boys to pick ‘em up and interrogate ’em. Let’s see if an hour with their heads in a vomit-filled bag improves their behavior.
FRED: Heck, Ethel’s already a vomit-filled bag.
RICKY. Fred. Be nice.
FRED: Easy for you to say. Your wife’s got all-American looks, red hair and unexpectedly fulsome breasts
RICKY: (indicating the corner of his mouth) Fred…
FRED: Huh? Oh…(he wipes food from his face) Ethel’s eggplant salad. Hey, a man’s gotta eat.
RICKY: C’mon, it’s almost show time. Call Avigdor, tell him we’re set.
Ricky and Fred leave. Ethel comes out of hiding, furious. Lucy enters.
LUCY: Thought they’d never leave.
ETHEL: Vomit-filled bag, huh?
LUCY: What’s wrong, Ethel.
ETHEL: Nothing a targeted assassination wouldn’t cure. By the way, they‘ve already figured out your plan.
LUCY: Then we’ll just go to Plan B.
SCENE 3
In front of the Ricardo home. The Turkish AMBASSADOR (Ahmet Oguz Celikkol) and his entourage alight from several cars. The usual klan of ultra-nationalist, ultra-orthodox and ultra-nationalist/ultra-orthodox protesters, premature burnouts and Aryeh Eldad scream and spit at them. Security personnel and police from various agencies watch indifferently. Ricky and Fred are sunbathing on recliners.
RICKY: Hey, what’s this, a Qassam squad?
FRED: Or just car thieves?
AMBASSADOR: Please, Deputy Minister Ricardo, help us.
RICKY: And you are…?
AMBASSADOR: Ambassador Celikkol, of course. You know this.
RICKY: From…?
FRED: Iran?
RICKY: Hamas? No, wait. From that empire that used to occupy our land. Ottoman.
FRED: The kind you put your feet on.
RICKY: (passing sunscreen to the Ambassador) Here, get my legs. Then go back to our pool. My wife has your place ready.
AMBASSADOR: This is an outrage!
RICKY: (to security) Escort the ambassador and his henchmen to the pool. And question those two.
As the Ambassador and his entourage are hustled away, two women with veiled faces are separated and taken toward a security vehicle. Ricky and Fred cackle.
RICKY: Question them thoroughly!
FRED: Watch out for the fat one! She kicks like a mule!
Ricky and Fred stroll toward the rear of the house. Nearby, two bearded RABBIS stride past other security officers.
OFFICER: Stop. Show me an invitation.
1ST RABBI: We just want to throw these bricks at the Turk.
OFFICER: (waving them in) Stay away from the buffet.
SCENE 4
The Ambassador sits handcuffed in a child’s wading pool, where Fred’s hosing him down. Ricky’s talking to the news cameras.
RICKY: Look how puny he is! Like his backward, anti-semitic country. Yet we’re offering him a cool drink of water.
AMBASSADOR: You must stop!
FRED: Water too Jewish for ya?
Security escorts US. CONGRESSMAN BILL DELAHUNT toward the pool.
RICKY: Ah, Congressman, welcome to the Land of Israel! You see how I welcome you when you’re not with the Israel-haters from J Street?
DELAHUNT: I’m very puzzled by all this. And, frankly, offended.
RICKY: Offended? You question Israel’s right to exist? (To cameras) Do you hear this incitement to terror?
DELAHUNT: I’m a United States Congressman, sir.
FRED: Not for long. When the campaign cash rains on your Republican opponent, they’ll Scott Brown your butt right outta Massachusetts.
RICKY: Israel’s legitimacy will not be undermined by the international community. It comes directly from God, channeled through implacable future Prime Ministers like myself. (Climbing up to the diving board of his swimming pool) Witness our power! Behold! I part the waters!! (He gestures down to the pool. Nothing happens.) Behold! (to Fred, sotto voce) Psst – Fred, drain the pool!
FRED: Sorry, Rick. I got caught up with the Turkish bath. I’ll get right on it.
As Fred runs to open the pool drain, the two Rabbis dash in front of the cameras.
1ST RABBI: Mordechai, did you hear the one about the Arab that didn’t blame all his problems on Israel?
2ND RABBI: Sure didn’t, Meir.
1ST RABBI: Neither did I.
2ND RABBI: Then we might as well enjoy some cabaret.
The Rabbis toss off their disguises and long coats, revealing Lucy and Ethel in their cabaret dresses.
RICKY: Lucy! What’re you doing? This is MY show!
Lucy and Ethel sing “Willkommen” from the musical “Cabaret.” These lyrics flow and repeat as the action continues:
Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
Fremder, etranger, stranger
Glcklich zu sehen,
Je suis enchant,
Happy to see you,
Bleibe, reste, stay.
Willkommen! Bienvenue!
Welcome!
FRED: (returning) OK, Rick, the pool's draining.
RICKY: Lucy! Are you crazy?! (He curses to the heavens in Hebrew, then) Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do!
Foreign Minister AVIGDOR LIEBERMAN marches in, leading a line of ambassadors from several nations, tied together. His Star of David, Chai and other Jewish bling cover his powder-blue jogging suit.
LIEBERMAN: Yo, Ricky! I got all they asses, baby. All them goy-ass countries. Y’all wanna disrespect Israel? We gon’ show you what time it is!...Hey, whassup with your bitch?
RICKY: She gets some crazy ideas in that head of hers.
AVIGDOR: But all them cameras on her now! That's wrong, man. I got to do everything myself?
RICKY: Just waiting for the pool to drain so I can finish my Red Sea -
AVIGDOR: I know what you fixin' to do, man! Don't need no explanation. I need action - before all them media leave out. (Climbing up to Ricky) So what you gon' do - get your ho on “A Star is Born” or represent for Israel?... Best be makin’ up your mind, dog. Y’all won’t be gettin’ no better shit than this here.
FRED: Go for it, Rick!
RICKY: You’re right. It’s our destiny, Avigdor. (To cameras and ambassadors) Heed me, you ambassadors of Jew-hatred! The important thing is that you’re lower and we’re up high and there’s only one flag, and you see we’re not smiling!
AVIGDOR: Hell no! Ain’t no smilin’!
RICKY: Criticize Israel at your peril!
AVIGDOR: Damn right!
RICKY: Israel will do as it pleases – and you will be silent! We will attack all who unsettle us! Strength lies not in defense but in attack!
AVIGDOR: Word!
RICKY: We are fighting for our very lives -
LUCY: Ricky -
RICKY: - armed only with a slingshot -
LUCY: Ricky!!
RICKY: What?! Can’t you see I’m surging?
LUCY: Can Ethel and I be in your show?
RICKY: Let’s discuss this later, sweetheart.
LUCY: Listen, Moses, I know you too well. It’s now or never.
RICKY: OK, honey, you win. (As Lucy & Ethel hug in delight) As soon as the Palestinians disarm, renounce refugee return, sign away East Jerusalem and the Jordan Valley and move obediently into their urban reservations linked only by vehicle tunnels deep underground, you’re in the show.
As Lucy’s lips purse in her trademark “I’ve-been-punked” grimace and she makes her familiar “eeehhh” sound, the “I Love Lucy the Christian Zionist” theme song comes up and everyone resumes what they were doing.
Monday, February 22, 2010
JEWS HOOKED ON REVENGE, SAYS BAR MITZVAH BOY
Circus Israel recently attended the bar mitzvah of a spirited 13-year old in Toronto. In the Jewish tradition, this ceremony marks the passage of boy-to-man, as the burgeoning male recites foundational text to his congregation for the first time, then discourses about its meaning. He then assumes responsibility for his own adherence to Jewish law. He can now form binding contracts and get married. This doesn’t mean he can actually marry anywhere in North America, or have lawful sexual relations. Or execute a cell phone contract. Or drive a car, own a gun, order a drink, leave school, consent to medical care, vote, buy real estate, play organized sports or stay out late if his parents say no. But that’s not the point. This is our tradition, it sets us apart, and Chinese kids under ten ruled dynasties. In some cultures, he’d already be a dad. In any case, after this particular, newly-minted Toronto man finished his Torah recitation, he offered the following reflections (captured on a Sony ICD-UX71Digital Voice Recorder – the official digital voice recorder of Circus Israel).
Today, I am a man. OK, first I want to thank my parents, Norman and Ruth, and of course Rabbi Zonenshein-Imeibachdor, and my tutor, Bogie, and really like everybody who came to my Bar Mitzvah. Some of you came from far away and that’s really nice. I wish Zade and Bubbe Krakpotkin could be here today, too. I didn’t know them, but I know their spirit is here with us. And I even want to thank my sister Leah, who helped me so much. Yeah, right. Leah, it’s your turn next year, and payback is gonna be sweet. And that’s actually the subject of my D’var Torah. I know I’m supposed to talk about the parashah from the service, but I kind of relate to this a little better.
Like, I’m 13 now, and I was really thinking about what it means to be a Jew in today’s world. You’ve all really taught me a lot, and we’ve been to Israel twice, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out. It’s revenge. I mean, people say a lot of stuff and everything, about the culture and the Torah and Hebrew and all that. But the most important part is revenge. Like my mom says, “After what we’ve been through, we’re not gonna be the nice one now.” And I think that’s, like, really true. It’s like everybody else thinks there should be this big Civil Rights Law for the whole world, and maybe that’s a good idea, but not till we finish getting even.
I know this isn’t the coolest thing to say. You don’t just come out and say we want vengeance. But that’s what we want. You can see it. I mean it’s not just my second-cousin Aaron with the price tag policy in the territories. Uncle Alan’s the brains in the family - no offense to everyone else, but a psychoanalyst in New York, that’s a no-brainer. I meant that pun. Anyway, he’s always helping these liberal causes and he never raises his voice. Even his head hardly moves. He just studies you, like he’s doing to me now. But when the IDF toasted Gaza, you should’ve seen him. Like, “Crush ‘em! Wipe ‘em out!” And Aunt Rachel, too. The art dealer. Totally pumped. Like hyenas on a carcass, those two! I mean, you never see that at the High Holidays, or anytime really. I was, like, wow, they rock! It was Jewish payback time!
As far as I can tell, we can’t get enough revenge. I just saw on TV about that Hamas guy the Mossad killed in Dubai. More revenge, right? What else are we supposed to do with Hamas, talk to ‘em?
VOICE: Blood libel!!
It’s Great-Uncle Shlomo! Awesome! For my friends who don’t know, Uncle Shlomo’s Mr. Blood Libel. Tell him the sun’s up - blood libel. There’s dandruff on your coat – blood libel. You missed the Early Bird Buffet at Denny’s-
VOICE: Blood libel!
You’re the best, Uncle Shlomo! And that’s revenge, too, right? You’ve got to avenge a blood libel. Something that awful, you have to. Even if it’s not really that awful, once you say it is, it is. Then you can do whatever you want. You’re never wrong. It’s just retribution.
Man, the Jewish People are like revenge addicts. For the Egyptians and the Romans and the Spaniards and the Germans and the Czar and all the rest of ‘em. We just take it out on the Arabs. And they can’t do anything about it. Sweet. Who’d wanna give that up?
Uh-oh. My parents are giving me that look. Hey, I’m a man today. I’m the man today. This’s my revenge for all those boring classes. No, I’m kidding. It was really fun. The 10 plagues of Egypt. I know ‘em by heart, in order - blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first-born children. Vengeance, baby. I’ve seen “Inglorious Basterds” like six times. Next Halloween, I’m going as my favorite Basterd - Bear Jew. Batter up!
Hey, is this microphone still on? Mom, c’mon. The rabbi said I should tell an anecdote to illustrate my point…No, I promise I’ll talk about the culture. The culture of Jewish revenge!...Fine, I don’t need a mike. My voice’s changing anyway. So… there’s this kid in my lunch period at school and all of a sudden he said, “Dude, you got enough food stuck in your braces to make a sandwich,” and everyone laughed. Real funny. So I got this totally stupid ad about erections and I put the kid’s name on it and slipped it in this really tough kid’s locker. I even drew a heart with Cupid’s arrow. It makes me laugh just describing it. So the tough kid punched the other kid in the eye and they both got suspended. It was awesome! This kid’d really embarrassed me and I got him back like twenty times over. It felt great! And nobody could prove I did it. I mean, everybody kind of knew, but I just like kept it ambiguous.
So, on this day of my bar mitzvah, I conclude that payback is great. I really want to do it again. I hope somebody else messes with me, and I hope I don’t have to wait a long time. It really gets you organized. And if the world really wants to understand the Jewish People, it better understand that’s how we roll.
Okay, let’s get this party started! There’s breast of chicken and an awesome DJ. Mazel tov!
Circus Israel recently attended the bar mitzvah of a spirited 13-year old in Toronto. In the Jewish tradition, this ceremony marks the passage of boy-to-man, as the burgeoning male recites foundational text to his congregation for the first time, then discourses about its meaning. He then assumes responsibility for his own adherence to Jewish law. He can now form binding contracts and get married. This doesn’t mean he can actually marry anywhere in North America, or have lawful sexual relations. Or execute a cell phone contract. Or drive a car, own a gun, order a drink, leave school, consent to medical care, vote, buy real estate, play organized sports or stay out late if his parents say no. But that’s not the point. This is our tradition, it sets us apart, and Chinese kids under ten ruled dynasties. In some cultures, he’d already be a dad. In any case, after this particular, newly-minted Toronto man finished his Torah recitation, he offered the following reflections (captured on a Sony ICD-UX71Digital Voice Recorder – the official digital voice recorder of Circus Israel).
Today, I am a man. OK, first I want to thank my parents, Norman and Ruth, and of course Rabbi Zonenshein-Imeibachdor, and my tutor, Bogie, and really like everybody who came to my Bar Mitzvah. Some of you came from far away and that’s really nice. I wish Zade and Bubbe Krakpotkin could be here today, too. I didn’t know them, but I know their spirit is here with us. And I even want to thank my sister Leah, who helped me so much. Yeah, right. Leah, it’s your turn next year, and payback is gonna be sweet. And that’s actually the subject of my D’var Torah. I know I’m supposed to talk about the parashah from the service, but I kind of relate to this a little better.
Like, I’m 13 now, and I was really thinking about what it means to be a Jew in today’s world. You’ve all really taught me a lot, and we’ve been to Israel twice, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out. It’s revenge. I mean, people say a lot of stuff and everything, about the culture and the Torah and Hebrew and all that. But the most important part is revenge. Like my mom says, “After what we’ve been through, we’re not gonna be the nice one now.” And I think that’s, like, really true. It’s like everybody else thinks there should be this big Civil Rights Law for the whole world, and maybe that’s a good idea, but not till we finish getting even.
I know this isn’t the coolest thing to say. You don’t just come out and say we want vengeance. But that’s what we want. You can see it. I mean it’s not just my second-cousin Aaron with the price tag policy in the territories. Uncle Alan’s the brains in the family - no offense to everyone else, but a psychoanalyst in New York, that’s a no-brainer. I meant that pun. Anyway, he’s always helping these liberal causes and he never raises his voice. Even his head hardly moves. He just studies you, like he’s doing to me now. But when the IDF toasted Gaza, you should’ve seen him. Like, “Crush ‘em! Wipe ‘em out!” And Aunt Rachel, too. The art dealer. Totally pumped. Like hyenas on a carcass, those two! I mean, you never see that at the High Holidays, or anytime really. I was, like, wow, they rock! It was Jewish payback time!
As far as I can tell, we can’t get enough revenge. I just saw on TV about that Hamas guy the Mossad killed in Dubai. More revenge, right? What else are we supposed to do with Hamas, talk to ‘em?
VOICE: Blood libel!!
It’s Great-Uncle Shlomo! Awesome! For my friends who don’t know, Uncle Shlomo’s Mr. Blood Libel. Tell him the sun’s up - blood libel. There’s dandruff on your coat – blood libel. You missed the Early Bird Buffet at Denny’s-
VOICE: Blood libel!
You’re the best, Uncle Shlomo! And that’s revenge, too, right? You’ve got to avenge a blood libel. Something that awful, you have to. Even if it’s not really that awful, once you say it is, it is. Then you can do whatever you want. You’re never wrong. It’s just retribution.
Man, the Jewish People are like revenge addicts. For the Egyptians and the Romans and the Spaniards and the Germans and the Czar and all the rest of ‘em. We just take it out on the Arabs. And they can’t do anything about it. Sweet. Who’d wanna give that up?
Uh-oh. My parents are giving me that look. Hey, I’m a man today. I’m the man today. This’s my revenge for all those boring classes. No, I’m kidding. It was really fun. The 10 plagues of Egypt. I know ‘em by heart, in order - blood, frogs, lice, flies, dead animals, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first-born children. Vengeance, baby. I’ve seen “Inglorious Basterds” like six times. Next Halloween, I’m going as my favorite Basterd - Bear Jew. Batter up!
Hey, is this microphone still on? Mom, c’mon. The rabbi said I should tell an anecdote to illustrate my point…No, I promise I’ll talk about the culture. The culture of Jewish revenge!...Fine, I don’t need a mike. My voice’s changing anyway. So… there’s this kid in my lunch period at school and all of a sudden he said, “Dude, you got enough food stuck in your braces to make a sandwich,” and everyone laughed. Real funny. So I got this totally stupid ad about erections and I put the kid’s name on it and slipped it in this really tough kid’s locker. I even drew a heart with Cupid’s arrow. It makes me laugh just describing it. So the tough kid punched the other kid in the eye and they both got suspended. It was awesome! This kid’d really embarrassed me and I got him back like twenty times over. It felt great! And nobody could prove I did it. I mean, everybody kind of knew, but I just like kept it ambiguous.
So, on this day of my bar mitzvah, I conclude that payback is great. I really want to do it again. I hope somebody else messes with me, and I hope I don’t have to wait a long time. It really gets you organized. And if the world really wants to understand the Jewish People, it better understand that’s how we roll.
Okay, let’s get this party started! There’s breast of chicken and an awesome DJ. Mazel tov!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
ISRAEL’S MAN OF THE DECADE – UDAY HUSSEIN
Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late – certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharon’s bowel noises. But it’s great to be late when you get it straight – and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???
What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israel’s ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?
Not convinced Uday’s the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - what’s Israel’s message to the world? You’re either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israel’s a big ol’ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didn’t like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israel’s Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Uday’s. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.
“I really admired that rascal,” said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. “How many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.”
Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, “Uday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.”
Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.
President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committee’s Choice. “Listen, I’m being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I can’t always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine – his personal Shoah – but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.”
And finally, don’t forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So don’t tell us that Uday’s you’ll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesn’t remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israel’s Man of the Decade – Uday Saddam Hussein!!
Circus Israel proudly announces its Man of the Decade 2000-2009, Mr. Uday Hussein. Yes, we're late – certain members of the Selection Committee were reluctant to recognize the gentile New Year, and we needed time to interpret Ariel Sharon’s bowel noises. But it’s great to be late when you get it straight – and the committee sure hit the bullseye this time! Who better to represent the brash and boisterous Jewish State than that most prodigal of sons, the Ace of Hearts himself, Uday Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti???
What makes this unforgettable Iraqi Arab - who lived to see only the first three years of the new millennium - Israel’s ideal mega-hero? Simple. He was our mirror image, our doppelganger. He was a Man. An unabashed, self-centered go-getter who knew what he wanted and snatched it with both hands. Who never backed down from a fight with an unarmed rival. Who never gave a shit (pardon our Arabic!) about what anybody thought. Who lived by one simple rule - Is it good for me?
Not convinced Uday’s the perfect reflection of Eretz Israel? Okay - what’s Israel’s message to the world? You’re either a hammer or a nail, baby. Israel’s a big ol’ hammer and so was Uday. Any hint of resistance? Down comes that Israeli hammer. Uday didn’t like your face? Hammer time. Israel jails Arabs indefinitely without trial. So did Uday. Some of Israel’s Arab prisoners forget to breathe in detention. So did Uday’s. We keep water from our Arabs. Uday dried up his Marsh Arabs. We love cursing Arab football players. Uday loved disciplining them.
“I really admired that rascal,” said Foreign Minister and baboon-in-a-suit Avigdor Lieberman. “How many Jews made more Arabs want to leave than Uday? I can only dream about transferring numbers like that.”
Even Bar Rafaeli weighed in approvingly. Reached in Haiti, where she was distributing bathing suits to earthquake survivors, Ms. Rafaeli said, “Uday really had that bad-boy thing going on. He could charm a hottie into his Lamborghini with just this like cute little nod to his bodyguards. Like a sabra with a Russian chick.”
Honorary Selection Committee Chairperson Shimon Peres, the venerable President and Official Linen Napkin of the State of Israel, will conduct a posthumous award ceremony for Mr. Hussein in the Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood of Jerusalem. A bloc of illegally improved Arab dwellings will be razed later to make room for the Uday S. Hussein Online Museum and 650 Jewish residential units.
President Peres told Circus Israel he was very pleased with the Committee’s Choice. “Listen, I’m being preserved in formaldehyde as a symbol of Israeli moderation, so I can’t always say what I mean. But Uday was a real mensch. A bullet in his spine – his personal Shoah – but he never complained. He just lashed out as he saw fit.”
And finally, don’t forget how Uday left this world. With his brother Qusay at his side, guns blazing, snarling at American interference, defiant to the end. So don’t tell us that Uday’s you’ll-never-take-me-alive spirit doesn’t remind you of something central to the Israeli narrative. Like Masada or the Warsaw Ghetto. Get on your feet, put your hands together and give it up for Israel’s Man of the Decade – Uday Saddam Hussein!!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
THE REAL IMPACT OF BOYCOTTING ISRAEL
Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, there’s concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (“An Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitch”). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezer’s office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.
…Next analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.
CUT DIAMONDS
The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israel’s leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girl’s best friend – and, of course, they’re forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN “blood diamond” accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency weren’t worthless, our mercenaries wouldn’t have to require diamonds as payment.)
MILITARY EQUIPMENT
The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-one–at-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (“Uzi’s Club”) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons don’t respect borders. They define them.
HUMAN TRAFFIC
Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committee’s favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.
MERCENARIES & ANTI-TERRORISM CONSULTANTS
We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.
PHARMACEUTICALS
Teva’s status as the world’s largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for “Palestinian-made” goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper – our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.
ILLEGAL DRUGS
Israel’s leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people won’t sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.
CITRUS FRUITS
Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious – a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.
SOFTWARE & INTEGRATED CIRCUITS
The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers won’t be lost to our Arab enemies. It’s common knowledge that Arabs can’t produce, or even use, technology.
Officially, the Netanyahu administration regards the international call for boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israeli commerce as ineffectual, anti-semitic and welcomed only by terrorists. More privately, however, there’s concern that the BDS movement will gather momentum and harm the economy and viability of the Jewish State. Accordingly, a committee - under the direction of torpid Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor Binyamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer and Minister of Finance and PM wannabe Yuval Steinitz - produced a ground-breaking report (“An Analysis of the Impact of BDS on the Export Economy of the State of Israel - the World is Still Our Bitch”). Circus Israel obtained a copy from Ben Eliezer’s office by removing it from his face while he napped. Excerpts appear below.
…Next analyzed was a scenario assuming near-universal adoption of BDS by the governments of the principal western nations and China. This would be analogous to the dilemma of our former ally, the white-controlled Union of South Africa. The Committee does not predict meaningful adverse impacts upon Israeli exports. Our products and services address needs rooted in fear, aggression, lust and vanity. As such they are virtually impervious to boycott. Our primary exports are discussed individually in this section.
CUT DIAMONDS
The Committee does not perceive significant negative consequence for cut diamonds (Israel’s leading export commodity to the US, by dollar value). Diamonds remain a girl’s best friend – and, of course, they’re forever. Moreover, diamond buyers are primarily within the economic class that will not be prosecuted for violating legal restrictions. Indeed, they prosecute those who pester them. (Addendum - The Committee urges a vigorous response to recent UN “blood diamond” accusations involving Sierra Leone. If their currency weren’t worthless, our mercenaries wouldn’t have to require diamonds as payment.)
MILITARY EQUIPMENT
The Committee foresees only negligible impact on our military imports from BDS. An effective weapons boycott presupposes international harmony. The desire for military equipment presupposes an absence of international harmony. Absence of harmony is the human condition. It might, however, prove necessary to offer unit price discounts to retain market share. Israel could, for example, consider a buy-one-drone-get-one–at-half-price promotion - or an enormously expensive club (“Uzi’s Club”) with arms distributed free to members. In any case, the arms market will remain robust and weapons don’t respect borders. They define them.
HUMAN TRAFFIC
Erotic desire is embedded more deeply in the human psyche than anything but Jewish identity. Consequently, the Committee believes Israel will experience no loss on the export side of human trafficking. However, Israel is on the short end of a severe flesh trade imbalance. Although Israeli importers pay as little as possible for fresh supply, the sheer volume of women trafficked from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Ukraine and (the Committee’s favorite) Russia far exceeds the outflow of human commodity managed by Israelis. The Committee is pessimistic about reversing this trend, unless the haredim spend their allotments on other items and our foreign laborers become too exhausted to copulate.
MERCENARIES & ANTI-TERRORISM CONSULTANTS
We are assured that regimes and groups employing mercenaries will not honor a boycott. Every strongman the Committee contacted scoffed at the idea of dumping his Israeli mercs. One spontaneously executed a servant to emphasize his independence from effete international norms, while another presented us a severed head as a gift. Our love-sick mercenaries just keep falling for the bad boys.
PHARMACEUTICALS
Teva’s status as the world’s largest generic drug maker would be theoretically vulnerable to BDS, as international competitors will quietly support an attack on our market share. Fortunately, the demand for discounted pharmaceuticals is nurtured by the worldwide recession and patent expirations. Nonetheless, it may become necessary to disguise Israeli brands as they move through the distribution stream. Exploitation of misguided support for “Palestinian-made” goods should be fully explored. Additionally, our generics can be exported via Canada as Manitoba erection stimulant. Israel can rely on the full cooperation of Canadian PM Stephen Harper – our most useful idiot since George W. Bush.
ILLEGAL DRUGS
Israel’s leadership position in the Ecstacy trade should not be diminished by BDS. Young people won’t sacrifice pleasure so Palestinians can have more chickens. Israeli distribution channels for all drugs remain strong, particularly when bundled with legal products at Israeli-owned jewelry kiosks in Japan. However, the inflow of drugs from other countries must not result in an unfavorable trade balance or excess enrichment of Bedouin smugglers. And Gonen Segev is still a dumb-ass.
CITRUS FRUITS
Citrus fruits have declined as a percentage of national export, as other nations dominate world markets. Arguably, Israeli citrus production has already served its primary purpose of removing land from Arab control and curtailing their economic activity. Of course, Jaffa oranges are exceptionally delicious – a taste made all the sweeter by our successful rebranding of this pre-state commodity (40 million shipped annually from Palestine in the 19th Century) as an Israeli product.
SOFTWARE & INTEGRATED CIRCUITS
The Committee concludes that Israeli technology, in contrast to our other primary exports, is susceptible to considerable BDS-related revenue loss. Despite the favorable international profile of Checkpoint, Amdocs and Tower, software and circuits are fungible goods and not inherently lethal. Foreign competitors will exploit BDS to our disadvantage. But our customers won’t be lost to our Arab enemies. It’s common knowledge that Arabs can’t produce, or even use, technology.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
THE GILAD SHALIT QUIZ
Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel – the ones with “Free Gilad” t-shirts and posters and websites – would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didn’t, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalit’s.
1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed “no-go” zone on the Palestinian side of the border.
2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for “membership in an illegal organization” (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.
3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their child’s tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?
4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that he’s denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?
5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.
6) Israel hasn’t agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) he’s consuming much of Gaza’s meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.
7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalit’s 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunu’s 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.
8) After he’s released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before they’re captured (the “Hannibal Procedure”); d) all of the above.
9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no “b.”
10) True or false: after Gilad Shalit’s release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.
Bonus question for ardent Giladniks – do you think his family might be tired of your shit?
Gilad Shalit, the IDF soldier captured at the Gaza-Israel border by members of 3 Palestinian factions in June 2006, may be the most famous captive in the world. If captivity were a dance club, Gilad Shalit would be popping Ecstasy in the VIP lounge while Aung San Suu Kyi (Myanmar), Karim Amir (Egypt) and Shi Tao (China) waited outside beyond the ropes. Had this young man joined the refuseniks in Shministim or Courage to Refuse (Ometz Leserev), his legions of new friends in Israel – the ones with “Free Gilad” t-shirts and posters and websites – would want him in an Israeli prison today. But he didn’t, so they filled him with the satisfying helium of Israeli victimhood and he ascended to the skies. Every icon deserves a quiz, and here is Gilad Shalit’s.
1) When he was captured, Corporal (now Sergeant) Shalit was: a) bringing medicine and toys to Gaza; b) remarking to Said Siyam and his son (who were still alive at the time) that while he disagreed with the choice of Hamas, he respected the right of the Palestinian people to select their own leaders; c) a tank gunner enforcing the Israeli-imposed “no-go” zone on the Palestinian side of the border.
2) Name any of the over 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israeli custody, other than Marwan Barghouti. Bonus points if the Palestinian is being held for “membership in an illegal organization” (plus an additional point if the prisoner is an elected Hamas parliamentarian); more bonus points if the prisoner is under 17; even more points if the prisoner is held without any charge at all.
3) Which parents have the best hope for a happy ending for their child’s tragedy: a) Noam & Aviva Shalit; b) Craig & Cindy Corrie; c) the (surviving) parents of the 9 children killed with Salah Shehadeh?
4) Although Israel objects to any characterization of Gilad Shalit as a prisoner of war, it complains that he’s denied access to the Red Cross (one of the rights of a POW under international conventions). Is this the same Red Cross that was denied access to wounded and dying Palestinians, including children, during Operation Cast Lead?
5) Which captive do you most want released (be completely honest - go with your Zionist gut on this): a) Gilad Shalit; b) Jonathon Pollard; c) Yigal Amir.
6) Israel hasn’t agreed to the terms of release for Gilad Shalit because: a) he’s consuming much of Gaza’s meager food supply; b) his living martyrdom helps sustain rejection of Palestinian aspirations; c) unlike previous releases, Israel would have to hand over Hamas prisoners; d) hostage prices tend to drop after the Islamic New Year.
7) Math challenge: express Gilad Shalit’s 3.5 years of captivity as a fraction of Mordechai Vanunu’s 11.5 years in solitary confinement in Israel.
8) After he’s released, if Gilad Shalit expresses any empathy for the Palestinians, he will immediately be re-branded as: a) a victim of Arab brainwashing and the Stockholm Syndrome; b) not worth a thousand Palestinian prisoners; c) a reason for the IDF to risk killing its own soldiers before they’re captured (the “Hannibal Procedure”); d) all of the above.
9) If Gilad Shalit persists in expressing empathy for the Palestinians after a brief recovery period, many Israelis will regard him as: a) a weak, traitorous self-hating Jew; b) there is no “b.”
10) True or false: after Gilad Shalit’s release, Israel will arrest or kill a whole lot of Hamas guys to re-establish deterrence and feel better.
Bonus question for ardent Giladniks – do you think his family might be tired of your shit?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
NOW EVERYBODY POOPS IN HEBREW
Japanese author Taro Gomi’s beloved children’s book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomi’s charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore life’s elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a “handful of revisions” were made to Gomi’s work, to remove the “new anti-semitism” implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.
Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.
Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.
Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.
Arabs poop.
On other people’s land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians won’t poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.
Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israel’s military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Here’s a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.
Europeans poop.
It’s all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.
Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israel’s poop.
Japanese author Taro Gomi’s beloved children’s book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomi’s charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore life’s elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a “handful of revisions” were made to Gomi’s work, to remove the “new anti-semitism” implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.
Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.
Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.
Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.
Arabs poop.
On other people’s land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians won’t poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.
Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israel’s military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Here’s a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.
Europeans poop.
It’s all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.
Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israel’s poop.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
ISRAEL’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, it’s just more of the diplomatic “69” the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock – but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldn’t it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israel’s passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?
From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 – MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has “enormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.” He has also “set up an enormous real estate project…including 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.”
From Reuters, March 20, 2008 – The US government has penalized the “BM Group, Cuba’s largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.” The BM Group is also described as “Cuba’s biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havana’s main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].” The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.
These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But they’re buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan – he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)
Let’s face it, Israel, you’re going through the motions on this American embargo. You’re faking it. You’re two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?
Once again, the United Nations condemned the US trade embargo against Cuba, this time by a vote of 187-3. In the minority were the US and Palau (the future home of the Guantanamo Uighurs). And, of course, Israel. At first glance, it’s just more of the diplomatic “69” the US and Israel always perform for each other. Sure, it feels a little perfunctory now - not like it was with W, when they went at it like 2 rats fucking in a sweat sock – but still reliable and knowing and sincere. Why wouldn’t it be? Israel does better embargo than anybody, as Gaza demonstrates. Israel’s passionate about embargoes. And faithful to its American partner. Or is it?
From Ynet News, June 22, 2006 – MK Rafi Eitan will join a menorah lighting ceremony in Havana with Fidel Castro. Eitan has “enormous citrus lands in Cuba, the size of Gaza.” He has also “set up an enormous real estate project…including 18 [6-story] residential buildings and a commercial shopping center, at around USD 200 million.”
From Reuters, March 20, 2008 – The US government has penalized the “BM Group, Cuba’s largest citrus exporter, co-founded by former Israeli intelligence operations chief Rafi Eitan.” The BM Group is also described as “Cuba’s biggest commercial real estate developer with the building of Havana’s main business center, the Miramar Trade Center [the real estate project referred to in the Ynet News].” The BM Group partnered on the Miramar project with another Israeli investor, the Habas Group.
These business interests are private ventures by Israeli entrepreneurs. But they’re buttressed by commercial and political risk insurance from the Israeli Foreign Trade Risks Insurance Corporation, an entity within the Israeli Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor. (Fun fact about Rafi Eitan – he was the Israeli handler for the convicted American spy, Jonathan Pollard.)
Let’s face it, Israel, you’re going through the motions on this American embargo. You’re faking it. You’re two-timing your significant other. And America, wise up. It was over years ago. Are you even surprised?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
ASK THE RABBI
Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kook’s website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.
Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, I’m being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I can’t be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.
Avram, from Itamar.
Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obama’s America. I can’t resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Al’s King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL – of course you didn’t pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at www.goatbusters.org.il. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi. I’m 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, won’t G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?
Eliana from Betar Illit.
Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be “modern” - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.
Dear Rabbi – I’m a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. I’m a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win – man, it isn’t even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though I’m from a small country that’s dependent on the US.
Luis “The Plague” Herrera from San Juan.
Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isn’t trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome – and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and can’t be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. We’d barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldn’t wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,
Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.
Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary must’ve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. “Goebbelstone.” (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased “investigation” from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how we’ve redefined Jimmy Carter – an American President!! – as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.
Circus Israel’s spiritual, religious and religious-nationalist advisor, Rabbi Messianach Kook, answers your questions. Rabbi Kook’s website is the only website approved for Jewish viewing by Rabbi Kook.
Shalom, Rabbi. Along with some pious associates, I recently came into possession of certain goods, including a large quantity of olives, some rudimentary farming implements and a half-dozen goats. Much like the Land of Israel itself, these items had been under the temporary dominion of itinerant Arabs. The redeemed olives must be consumed or processed quickly, but I have to fly to New Jersey to audit my cut diamond distributor, who might be pulling a fast one on me. Meanwhile, I’m being squeezed by my associates here, as they are offering a pittance for my share of the olives, knowing that I can’t be in two places at once. My sons are studying Torah or I would enlist their help. Rabbi, must I accept the below-market offer of my righteous associates or may I liquidate the olives on the spot market, which may include undisclosed Arab stakeholders? Also, please define the Halakhic boundaries of personal congress with a goat.
Avram, from Itamar.
Shalom, Avram. So, you are off to Obama’s America. I can’t resist telling you that during my own recent journey to the States via JFK, I was unexpectedly brought to the King David Lounge as the guest of a Platinum Member of El Al’s King David Club. A wonderful experience! The complimentary finger sandwiches and desserts were certainly satisfactory and easy to wrap for travel. I must admit I overdid it! Now to your question. If an Arab has not disclosed his presence in the marketplace, who is to say he is there? As the beloved Rabbi Nachman of Breslov might have said, what must be disclosed at a checkpoint need not be negated in commerce. And, Avram, I must remonstrate. You appear to have no hedging strategy. Surely your associates will also need to dump their olives on the spot market. This sudden glut of supply will suppress the market price. Perhaps if you purchased a put option at an attractive strike price with a modest premium, you could derive value from assets (olives) that you presumably redeemed without cost from the Arab usurpers. (As the young people say, I am LOL – of course you didn’t pay for what was inherently yours!!). As for your inquiry regarding domestic animals, remember that the Commentaries were inscribed when wise men and subservient beasts lived side by side. Thus, many are the laws pertaining to such intimacy, and like all Halakha, they should govern our lives for all eternity. In the interest of brevity, I will simply direct you to the ample archives of the Shomron Man-Goat Love Association, accessible at www.goatbusters.org.il. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi. I’m 9 years old and my parents tell me everyday that the Arabs want to drive us into the sea. But if that happens, won’t G-d just part the waters so we can walk to Cyprus or something?
Eliana from Betar Illit.
Shalom, dear Eliana. Such a thoughtful question from a righteous Jewish child! For it is the children who are the future. They will soon guide the Jewish People through the myriad dangers of a world that insists we be “modern” - a world of ever more powerful computers, communications devices and high-tech weapons systems. A world in which science purports to have all the answers. But I digress. No, Eliana, G-d will not leave us floundering in the sea. He will visit plagues of frogs and boils upon our Arab enemies. Blessed be He.
Dear Rabbi – I’m a professional boxer and I live in Puerto Rico. I’m a welterweight and my record is 21-2, with 12 KOs. I have great respect for the Jewish people. You seem to fight a lot and you always win – man, it isn’t even close. Do you have any special training tips or fighting techniques you can tell me about? I want to take it to the next level and be a major player, even though I’m from a small country that’s dependent on the US.
Luis “The Plague” Herrera from San Juan.
Shalom, Luis. Such a surprise to receive an inquiry from a goy! Especially one that isn’t trying to destroy the Jewish People! Welcome – and I assure you we will not eat you! Of course, our secret training rituals, maintained over the centuries, reside within Halakha and can’t be divulged to you. But it may be assumed that food certified as kosher by an esteemed rabbi, such as myself, is conducive to aggression. And our fighting strategies are there for all to see! Maintain overwhelming weapons superiority and attack foes with poor media skills. Blessed be He.
Shalom, Rabbi Kook. I, too, am a rabbi, and it is my privilege to consult with such a prestigious sage about the current assault on our tribe. We’d barely put a stop to Barack Hussein Osama, the black Hitler, when along came that blood libel, the Goebbelstone Report. I wouldn’t wipe my yashvan with that abomination. (Well, once, but my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.) I know you have questioned the Talmudic legitimacy of the pulsa denura, but does this goat-fornicating traitor not deserve a death curse? Has he not emboldened the Jew-hating multitudes to drive us into the sea? I implore you, Rabbi Kook, to encourage your vast audience to curse this genocidal boged to death. Respectfully,
Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yisrael from Yitzar.
Shalom, Rabbi Ben Yisrael. I enjoy a good kabbalic death curse as much as the next ultra-orthodox rebbe. The mistaken notion to the contrary must’ve started when I refused to help Madonna put a pulsa denura on Britney Spears. But to your point about Mr. “Goebbelstone.” (How very apt! Again, I am LOL!) Tempting though it may be to bring death to this vile traitor, we who are both sages (for all rabbis are sages and all sages are rabbis) must discern what is ultimately best for the Jewish People. Would we only create a martyr, leading to yet another biased “investigation” from yet another self-hating Jew? Would the goyim even recognize the causal connection between, say, coronary thrombosis and our pulsa denura? But what if we instead vilify this mamzer until his reputation is in tatters? Is that not a more vivid, more undeniable demonstration of our power? Look how we’ve redefined Jimmy Carter – an American President!! – as a senile and irrelevant antisemite! Will it not be easier with a mere third-world judge? From the homeland of the Afrikaaners, who surrendered their birthright! Which we, as a People of strength, will never do, not even a grain of sand! Ah, Shlomo, blessed be He.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
ISRAEL TO DEFEND COPYRIGHT ON BULLSHIT NEGOTIATIONS
PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israel’s leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish State’s ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israel’s demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the “5+1 Group” and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israel’s cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iran’s flagrant infringement of Israel’s internationally recognized copyright. “We wrote the book on ‘Talk & Take,’” said Israel’s insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. “We put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. This’s our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.”
Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated ‘Talk & Take’ program. “That provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?” asked Moshe “Boogie” Ya’alon, Israel’s other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. “When I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Wait’ll our lawyers get done with him.”
In fact, Israel’s lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israel’s West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICC’s jurisdiction in 2002. “So what?” snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. “Now we want something.”
“But let's be clear that these allegations can’t be turned against us,” cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. “When you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.”
Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. “No Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,” Morris said. “Ben-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would – wait, is he dead yet or what?”
PM Binyamin Netanyahu declared today that Israel will take Iran to court. Almost immediately after the Iranian regime recently agreed to discussions and inspections for its nuclear enrichment program, Israel’s leaders began threatening to enforce the Jewish State’s ownership rights over the combination of phony, time-consuming negotiations and irreversible facts on the ground. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ignored Israel’s demands and persisted with conciliatory gestures toward the “5+1 Group” and the International Atomic Energy Agency. By this morning, Israel’s cabinet had lost patience. It instructed government attorneys to take action against Iran’s flagrant infringement of Israel’s internationally recognized copyright. “We wrote the book on ‘Talk & Take,’” said Israel’s insufferable Vice Prime Minister, Silvan Shalom. “We put decades of R&D into this. The right balance of talking peace and absorbing what we want, the way we time and exaggerate our overtures and spin our expansions, one temporary step forward and ten permanent steps back. This’s our work product. It belongs to the Jewish People.”
Israeli officials are particularly upset that Ahmadinejad believes himself capable of managing a sophisticated ‘Talk & Take’ program. “That provincial fruitcake in a cheap windbreaker thinks he can play our game?” asked Moshe “Boogie” Ya’alon, Israel’s other - and equally unnecessary - Vice Prime Minister. “When I see him making those monkey smiles and going all nicey-nice, it just makes my blood boil. Cut the crap and act like the psycho you really are. Wait’ll our lawyers get done with him.”
In fact, Israel’s lawyers are already drafting formal petitions to the International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the International Criminal Court (ICC). But Israel has had its difficulties with both. It blasted the ICJ for a 2004 advisory opinion condemning Israel’s West Bank separation barrier, and it repudiated the ICC’s jurisdiction in 2002. “So what?” snapped vital Minister Without Portfolio Benny Begin. “Now we want something.”
“But let's be clear that these allegations can’t be turned against us,” cautioned smarmy President Shimon Peres. “When you begin discussing insincere negotiations in the context of nuclear ambiguity, the State of Israel must not be put on the defensive.”
Disintegrating Israeli historian Benny Morris predicts swift victory for Israel in the international tribunals. From the inception of the movement toward a Jewish state, he said, Zionist leaders have consistently refreshed their ownership of faux flexibility coupled with implacable territorial usurpation. “No Israeli leader can allow dilution of our rights,” Morris said. “Ben-Gurion would turn over in his grave. Arik Sharon would – wait, is he dead yet or what?”
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