Thursday, September 25, 2008


In 2005, the European Monitoring Centre on Racism and Xenophobia (now, the European Agency for Fundamental Rights) developed the following “working definition” of anti-semitism:
"Anti-semitism is a certain perception of the Jews, which may be expressed as hatred toward Jews. Rhetorical and physical manifestations of anti-semitism are directed toward Jewish or non-Jewish individuals and/or their property, toward Jewish community institutions and religious facilities.”

Examples of manifestations of anti-semitism include “denying the Jewish people their right to self-determination.”

Despite their laudable intentions, the definition and accompanying examples are incomplete and incompatible with prevailing conditions. Important terms are undefined, and other terms that would provide necessary context are missing. As the New Year approaches, the well-being of the Jewish People requires articulation of the additional principles and definitions appearing below.

PEOPLE - “People” shall be classified according to ethno-religious identity. No other classification, whether based on physical characteristics, anthropological evidence and/or historical patterns shall be recognized. Common or universal attributes shall be disregarded. People shall be classified as Jewish People or non-Jewish People. People (if any) existing before the magical emergence of the Jewish People 5768 years ago need not be classified, and shall not be considered, when determining contemporary rights to land or physical resources in the Middle East (see “self-determination,” below). People who need people are not the luckiest people in the world.

ISRAEL – “Israel” is the nation-state of indeterminate boundaries established by and for the Jewish People as an expression of their self-determination. Non-Jewish People may temporarily visit Israel as a theme park, but should not hang around like they belong here.

ANTI-SEMITISM (ADDITIONAL EXAMPLES) – “Anti-Semitism” includes the application of universal values and international norms to the Jewish People in Israel. Anti-Semitism also includes the characterization of the conscious or unconscious motivations of non-Jewish People, in their relations with the Jewish People, as other than anti-semitic. The predicted End-of-Days destruction of the Jewish People, as espoused by Christian Zionists, shall not constitute anti-semitism.

SELF-DETERMINATION – “Self-determination” is the right of the Jewish People to establish a nation-state on Middle-Eastern land principally inhabited by non-Jewish People during or before 1948. The boundaries of such a nation-state shall be established by the Jewish People in the places and at the times determined by the Jewish People, when and as the Jewish People get around to it. Within the region known as Greater Israel (as defined by the Jewish People), no right to self-determination shall accrue to non-Jewish People unless and until the right of the Jewish People to self-determination shall be expressly forfeited with respect to specific land by the Jewish People (i.e., the Jewish Right of First Refusal). With respect to the land known as Greater Jerusalem (as defined by the Jewish People), no right to self-determination shall accrue to non-Jewish People at any time, even if, God forbid, some soft-in-the-head Israeli governmental entity should purport to forfeit the superior claim of the Jewish People to any such land (even an inch).

The right of the Jewish People to self-determination shall include the right to prevent non-Jewish People from spoiling that right by residing among the Jewish People (with such temporary exceptions as the Jewish People, in their sole discretion, shall permit for shabbes goyim and manual laborers).

No right to self-determination shall accrue to the self-described “Palestinian people” within the region known as Greater Israel (as defined by the Jewish People) unless and until the realm known to non-Jewish People as Hell “freezes over.”

Friday, September 19, 2008


Loathing and ambition plunged screeching from above.
War melted cheek
and shard ripped irreplaceable self.

Now this parable ends,
perhaps to revive as history.
Time to
the fuck

Thursday, September 18, 2008


During an acrimonious meeting of Yisrael’s security cabinet, PM Noam Federman insisted on clear answers and swift results from his military commanders, according to a dog present at the meeting. In an exclusive interview with Circus Israel, Zion, a pure-breed Canaan Dog, described the often bitter exchanges among the PM, Chief of Staff Effi Eitam, Acting Defense Minister Shmuel Ben-Yishai, Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe, Rabbi David Dudkevitch, Rabbi Yosef Dayan and General Yitzhak “Haki” Harel. As a result of the meeting, Zion said, the multi-pronged assault - dubbed by Federman “the 5-Day War” even before it began - will accelerate dramatically.

Although Zion occasionally napped under a table, he claims that his waking memories are precise “because they came with a smell.” Excerpts from a transcript of Zion’s report appear below. (NOTE to ultra-orthodox readers: Zion the talking dog is a “literary device.”)

FEDERMAN: (to EITAM) Where’s the attack? Nothing’s happening. What’re you waiting for?

EITAM: What am I waiting for?! A ground war with 3 nations and Gaza, an air war with Iran, maybe I should have some PLANS!!!

FEDERMAN: I gave you plans! Attack our enemies and redeem our land!


DAYAN: All this talk of compromise! What of the Kingdom of the Jewish People?!

[ZION: I kind’ve spaced out at this point. I really had to lick my nuts.]

* * *

HAREL: Morale is horrible. Soldiers are disappearing from their units.

BEN-YISHAI: Look for them in Tel Aviv. Attack the Nazis in Tel Aviv!

DAYAN: Listen, listen! Shabbat is coming! There must be an eruv!

WOLPE: Yes, Rabbi Dayan is entirely correct! An eruv!

HAREL: What’re you talking about? Poles and wires?

DAYAN: All the way to the front lines. To Beirut, to Damascus, there must be an eruv!

WOLPE: And for the pilots. An eruv in the air!

[ZION: (sniffing) Dayan had shawarma today.]

* * *

DUDKEVITCH: I’m weary of hearing our commanders whine. I don’t judge anyone, but this weakness is very grave.

WOLPE: It’s an outrage!

HAREL: Why did I come out of retirement?

DUDKEVITCH: Then go back. Mister “I-kill-Arabs-like-mowing-a-lawn.” Go mow your lawn at home!

EITAM: Go send your own army! Send your hilltop boys with their paint cans and BAGS OF SHIT!!

BEN-YISHAI: Don’t be so cute. The boys would go! If the IDF would provide massive weapons superiority and shackle the Arabs, the boys would deal a decisive blow before the sun sets on Netzarim!!

[ZION: (sniffing) Is Wolpe trying to clear the room?]

* * *

WOLPE: Who’s rounding up the secular traitors and dragging them to the front? This is not being discussed!!!

DAYAN: A pulsa denura on them!!!

WOLPE: From you? Your curses are nothing!!!

DAYAN: My curses bring angels of destruction!!!

WOLPE: My curses are atomic bombs!!!

DUDKEVITCH: Yisrael has atomic bombs. Are they ready, Federman?

FEDERMAN: Everything is ready but my CHIEF OF STAFF!!!


[ZION: Do these people ever stop yelling? I decided to get some sleep, but the mobile phones woke me up.]


DAYAN: Is that a kosher phone? Let me see it!!

BEN-YISHAI: It’s Baruch Ben Yosef. They think they saw an Arab! They're burning the orchards to find him!

WOLPE: It’s an outrage!

BEN-YISHAI: No, no, no, no, no. It’s a Motorola.

WOLPE: The terrorist must be found!!

DAYAN: Will they never cease their persecution of the Jewish People?!

DUDKEVITCH: Already I’m nostalgic for the simpler times. Ganging up on the shepherds, cursing the queers, making the seculars kiss my tuchus. Always something to loathe. A golden era of Jewish life!

[ZION: Somebody needs a mikvah in here.]

* * *

FEDERMAN: That’s it! The cowardly generals are dismissed! We move today!!!

WOLPE: Your dog is breaking wind!!

[ZION: You should talk, Rabbi.]


Attorney General Yigal Amir shot former President Shimon Peres at point-blank range on a Tel Aviv street today. As Peres munched on a Tunisian Sandwich, Amir stepped from a taxi and opened fire. Peres was rushed to Sourasky Medical Center, where he was pronounced “stable but untrustworthy” by a hospital spokesperson. Amir was serving a life sentence for slaying PM Yitzhak Rabin when coup leaders freed him and appointed him to the Yisraeli cabinet. He remained in the street after today's incident, chatting with bystanders. “What, you didn’t see this coming?” he repeatedly asked. When no one took him into custody, Amir hailed another taxi and returned to Ayalon Prison. He was placed in the cell he recently vacated.

Amir’s wife, Foreign Minister Larisa Trembovler, said “this changes everything. He’s back in the slammer and I’m in love again. This man knows how to please me.”

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Former British PM Tony Blair expressed “grave concern” today that Yisrael’s military assault on four nations and the Gaza Strip will undermine the Mid-East peace process. Mr. Blair, who became the Quartet's regional envoy after stepping down as prime minister and Labour Party leader, cautioned that the “substantial progress” he had achieved in resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict “could be jeopardized by recent developments.” He called upon all parties to “exercise restraint” as they conduct hostilities. “I ask the parties to refrain from finger-pointing and turn to constructive dialogue.” Blair declined to assign blame to Yisrael, despite its unilateral invasive actions. “Many surgeries are ‘invasive,’ and yet they often yield profound benefit.” Asked for specific recommendations for reducing the fighting, Blair said “I urge us all to remain steadfast, as the converse is surely not an option, although some will certainly be tempted to do otherwise. But we have not come to the region to do what is expedient, but to establish a context for robust reconciliation, yet without preconceptions. The stakes are simply too high.

Friday, September 12, 2008


Larisa Trembovler, wife of assassin and Attorney General Yigal Amir, was appointed Yisrael’s Foreign Minister by the Settlers’ Selection Committee of the Provisional Government today. PM Noam Federman extolled the appointment, saying “Larisa’s a Zionist’s Zionist, but she came from Russia, so she knows how to talk to Jew-hating goyim.” Trembovler said she felt “harmonic” about her new role. “I haven’t got a lot of attention lately, so this should inspire me. After you leave your husband and four children to marry an imprisoned killer, how do you top that? And now that Yigal’s free, my work with him is done. I want to travel and do interviews. Ariel Zilber’s composing a soundtrack for my life, so maybe I’ll marry him next.”


According to a survey conducted by Maagar Mochot, 59% of the Yisraeli public approves of the recent right-wing coup d’etat, while 17% disapproves and 24% were unaware that a coup had occurred. Support for the change of government was strongest among settlers, haredim, Russian speakers and real estate developers. Opposition was principally expressed by self-haters, infertile women, homosexuals and Uri Avnery. Many of the respondents with no knowledge of the coup were software designers.

Yitzhak Katz, CEO OF Maagar Mochot, commented that “I wish I felt more confident about our results. Several people expressed misgivings about the takeover, but said the settlers and the haredim were simply too dangerous to contradict. One told me ‘irrationality is power. You can’t defeat it.’ Perhaps it’s absurd, but it almost seemed like they were talking about the Nazis.”

Thursday, September 11, 2008


The politician formerly known as Benjamin Netanyahu charged today that the selection of Yisrael’s new Prime Minister by a committee of three men was “illegitimate.” He contended that “at the very least, the Likud Party leadership should have been included in the selection process. Especially now, when we’re at war with virtually the entire Middle East, the State of Yisrael needs my firm hand at the controls.” The former PM characterized Prime Minister Federman as “an amateur who never faced down a terrorist and made him piss his pants as I have on countless occasions.”

Apparently concerned that he’d been outflanked by the ultra-nationalist and ultra-orthodox leaders of the coup d’etat, the former Netanyahu appeared in a colorful knitted skullcap with payot and an unruly beard pasted on his face. With an Uzi slung across his back, he announced that he had formally changed his name to Yisrael Ben Yisrael, although his followers were welcome to continue calling him “Bibi.” Ben Yisrael initially denied graduating from a Pennsylvania high school or obtaining degrees from American universities, claiming instead to have been a hilltop youth. He later acknowledged residing in the US, “but only to learn dog fighting in South Philly.”

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Prime Minister Noam Federman ordered all three branches of Yisrael’s armed forces to immediately begin military operations against Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the Gaza Strip. Alluding to Yisrael’s 6-Day Way in 1967, Federman declared “I expect victory in five days or less. It’s inconceivable that I’d need as much time as the dainty Levi Eshkol.” Federman identified three objectives for the multi-front attack. “First, we’ll show again that we aren’t weak. This must be shown again and again, without pause or exception. Second, we’ll humiliate every weak-kneed Jew that shrunk from confrontation with those who must understand we aren’t weak.”

The PM then asked Rabbi Dov Lior to describe the third war objective, but Rabbi Lior was shouldered aside by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpe. “Third,” shouted Rabbi Wolpe, who is still recovering from an ultra-orthodox colonoscopy, “we’ll redeem the Land of Greater Yisrael from the Arab Nazis!! All which was given to the descendants of Abraham, from the Nile to the Euphrates.” Rabbi Lior remonstrated that the Nile was in Egypt, a country not included in the declaration of war. A beard-pulling scuffle ensued, and as the PM interceded, both rabbis spat at him and stalked from the room. “Okay,” the PM called after them, “Egypt, too.”

Shortly after the PM’s announcement, Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi cautioned that the military was not fully prepared for simultaneous war against so many entities. “Maybe the PM could just prioritize one or two and we’ll do those first.” In response, Mr. Federman relieved General Ashkenazi of command, replacing him with retired Gen. Effie Eitam. “Eitam likes to ramble on about his destiny. Let’s see what he can actually accomplish.” From his Fortress of Solitude in the Golan Heights, General Eitam replied, “tell Federman I’m coming back a war hero. And war heroes make excellent prime ministers.”

Monday, September 8, 2008


Yigal Amir, the assassin of Yitzhak Rabin, was named Attorney General by the Settlers’ Selection Committee. Prime Minister Noam Federman praised Amir’s legal experience. “Yigal was a law student, so he appreciates the importance of the rule of law. And he’s won every case he’s had in prison. Except that sperm thing.” Amir will assume his duties after vacating his cell. “I’ve collected some pretty nice stuff and I want it packed carefully,” Amir said. He expressed excitement about his new role and looks forward to “showing I can do things besides shooting motherfuckers that piss me off.” Amir fathered a child while in prison, and plans to enjoy as much “quality time” with his son as his official duties permit. “But I’m not into a lot of crying - hey, get out of my business. Family’s off-limits in politics.”

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Communicating via video conference from an undisclosed location, former PM and Defense Minister Ehud Barak proposed that Yisrael’s Provisional Government form a ruling coalition with Barak’s Labor Party. Barak noted that “Jewish tradition” requires Labor participation at the highest official levels to “maintain international confidence in Yisrael’s policies.” Barak proposed an even split of ministerial portfolios "so that Fuad and I can get our old offices back.” Former Defense and Infrastructure Minister Benjamin “Fuad” Ben-Eliezer appeared in a hammock behind Barak, licking hummus from a paper plate. Barak wore a flowing white beard, resembling former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic when he was apprehended. Prime Minister Federman responded that “the Judenrat Barak is not safe in the State of Yisrael. Better that he plays cards with his handlers in Tehran.”


The Settlers’ Selection Committee of the Provisional Government of Yisrael has appointed Noam Federman as the nation's new Prime Minister. A disciple of the late Meir Kahane, Federman is a legendary party planner for righteous Jews at the gravesite of mass murderer Baruch Goldstein. He also hosts an internet chat show acclaimed as “masturbatory” by the magazine Eretz. The selection committee’s official announcement adds that Federman is also “a lawyer, a surgeon, an Olympic champion in dozens of things and a very funny ventriloquist.”

The choice of Federman was not unanimous. All three selection committee members, Rabbi Dov Lior, David Ha’ivri and Baruch Marzel, each initially recommended himself for the PM post. However, after lengthy debate, Ha’ivri and Rabbi Lior agreed upon Federman as a compromise PM. Marzel called that decision “an abomination” and abruptly resigned from the committee, taking members of his Chayil Party to the Judean hills to hide out.


The Provisional Government of Yisrael declared that the Arab occupation of the land of Yisrael had ended completely . “No Arab blood defiles Yisraeli soil,” said Acting Interior Minister Baruch Ben Yossef. “The door hit the ass of the last Arab on his way out.” Ben Yossef added that all other goyim were also being expelled. “Soon the Jewish people will inhale only the Jewish breath exhaled by the Jewish people.” Rabbi Yossef Dayan, Acting Minister of Tourism, conducted a pulsa denura to put a death curse on any Jew secretly harboring goyische breath in his lungs.

Reaction to the end of the Arab occupation and the expulsion of foreign workers was mixed. “Blessed be He,” said one Rabbi. “Now we can build the Third Temple and live in the dark.” But a young software designer was not so sure. “They kicked out the foreign labor? Now who’s going to do the boring stuff?”


UPDATE. The Provisional Government of the State of Yisrael announced that a Settlers’ Selection Committee, comprised of Rabbi Dov Lior, David Ha’ivri and Baruch Marzel, has been formed to choose an acting Prime Minister who will serve until elections are conducted in Hebron, Kiryat Arba and selected settlements.

In a separate statement, the Provisional Government declared that the State of Yisrael is at war with Iran, Syria, Lebanon and Barak Obama. IDF reservists were called to duty and yeshiva students were exhorted to intensify their Torah studies.

Friday, September 5, 2008


President George Bush announced that the United States recognizes the new government of the State of Yisrael. Standing in the White House Rose Garden, flanked by Morton Klein of the Zionist Organization of American, the President declared that the US “stands behind our Yisraeli allies on whatever they wanna call themselves. America will never give in to terror.” Mr. Bush then began explaining that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice would be dispatched to the Middle East to revive the peace process, but Mr. Klein diverted him by tossing a ball on the lawn, which the President retrieved. Mr. Klein clarified that Secretary Rice’s agenda was still under development.


UPDATE. Daniela Weiss, Acting Minister of Arab Affairs for the Provisional Government of Yisrael, told Channel 2 today that thousands of Arabs were voluntarily “returning to the places they all came from a few years ago.” Weiss compared this mass migration to the outflow of Arabs from Eretz Yisrael during the 1948 War of Independence. “Just like ’48, they realize they can’t just squat on Jewish land. And I think they miss the places they’re more familiar with.” She added that the IDF was assisting the movement of people and personal property by “providing directions and demolishing those temporary residences blocking their way out.” Commenting on widespread reports of looting of Arab communities by Jews, Weiss explained that “the Jewish people are doing whatever they can to lighten the burdens the Arabs are carrying on their backs. Listen, the Arabs have old women schlepping air conditioners. Whoever heard of such a thing?”


UPDATE. The Provisional Government has decreed that the English spelling for the Jewish state will now be Yisrael. The decree also bans the use of English, along with Arabic, Russian, Yiddish and Amharic, inside Israel. The decree directs foreign diplomats to incorporate the name change in official correspondence. According to spokesperson Itamar Ben Gvir, “that’s how God spells it.” In a separate decree, the Provisional Government ordered most nations to close their embassies and withdraw their diplomatic personnel. Notable exceptions include the International Christian Embassy, Colombia and Nauru.


An uneasy quiet blanketed Circus Israel today after an alliance of settlers and ultra-orthodox Jews unseated the elected coalition government in Jerusalem. Although bands of armed settlers patrolled the streets of several cities, most Jewish Israelis appeared to conduct their everyday activities without interruption. Said one secular Israeli software designer, “the settlers and the haredim called the shots anyway, so let’s not get too excited.”

Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and most members of his cabinet, including Defense Minister Ehud Barak, have gone into hiding. Shmuel Ben-Yishai, the Acting Prime Minister of the Provisional Government of Eretz Israel, declared that “the traitors will be hunted like rodents and dealt with according to Halakah.” Israeli President Shimon Peres, who has also gone into seclusion, offered via email to remain in office to assure an orderly transfer of power.

According to a communiqué released by the Provisional Government, Israel will not renounce violence, honor existing agreements with other entities or recognize the right of Palestinians, or any other Arab group, to a state of their own. The citizenship of Israeli Arabs has been revoked in a mass swearing-out ceremony. “The
debate about a Jewish state or a democratic state has been settled,” Ben-Yishai declared.


JERUSALEM. Shortly before dawn today, the Hebron Regional Committee, aided by the Kiryat Arba Local Council, seized key state offices and deposed Circus Israel’s governing coalition in a bloodless coup d’etat. Declaring itself the Provisional Government of Eretz Israel, the Committee imposed a dusk-to-dawn curfew outside of Judea and Sumaria and suspended all official activity. Various ultra-orthodox groups from both sides of the Green Line joined the wave of orange-bedecked autos and buses flowing into the capitol.

No shots were fired during the take-over, although several marchers sustained Horah injuries during the ensuing celebration. IDF units stood casually on the sidelines, as if observing another round of settler-on-Arab violence. Many soldiers reinforced hilltop youth trashing vehicles or praying spontaneously. Civilians, enroute to work or school, simply shrugged, while members of the “Peace Camp” nodded gravely.

Spokesperson David “Dave” Wilder, reading from a prepared statement, explained that the committee had lost patience with the Kadima coalition’s FOG (Facts on the Ground) and SAND (Self-Absorbed Nest Development) strategy of incremental redemption of the land. “We’re sick of waiting. The land belongs to the Jewish people, who want to be Jewish on it.”

Questioned by a foreign journalist, Wilder characterized the settler movement as the “tail that wagged the dog” for too long. “Now we are the dog. The big, chosen Jewish dog. And we bite.” The journalist was, in fact, bitten by Wilder and Rabbi Dov Lior.

The coup leaders announced that Ben Gurion Airport had been shut down and the nation’s “provisional” borders were sealed. An information blackout was also imposed, although most Israeli television programming was encouraged to continue.

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